I woke before sunrise again today.
I don't like it when that happens, I ain't never had a good day when I wake before birdsong.
Missy is gon be in trouble again. I tried to rouse her but she just laid there starin' at the wall and crying for her babe. The child been gone 3 months already and I tell her ever'day that she ought to think of him as dead and she tell me that she wishes he was. I don't know what to say to that. She ain't the only one of us who misses that happy little babe, but she's his ma and the depths of a mothers heart are hard found.
Missy ain't eaten in days and when Clara told her off, Missy tell her to let her be and keep close watch on her own babby instead. Clara left soon after that, dabbing her eyes and telling Missy how she can be awful cruel when the mood takes her. Clara been terrified since the birth of her new babe. Her eldest daughter Constance is ten year old and growing too pretty to be any good to anyone. Since Missy lost her own babe she needles Clara all the time telling her to keep a watch on her babies. Misery loves company I guess, but I tell Missy she ain't gotta be so cruel. She tells me to leave her be.
I turn to walk away from her 'cause I ain't gon get any sense outta her when she's in this mood. When I turn back, I notice she clutching the little blanket her boy was wrapped in every night and all my anger blurs away like rain on the mud.
"I don' wanna live like this. Sometime the pain is so great I think it gon kill me, Leon." She sounds broken and wounded and she remind me of a little bird I found last summer with a snapped wing.
"Hush now, Missy." I break some of the bread I made las' night and lay it down next to her. She turns her face away and I can't help but plead with her. "You gon' get us all in trouble bad. Ain't nothin gon bring your baby back, you jus' gotta keep goin'."
"Why?" She says. I can't think of an answer that will satisfy her so I shake my head and leave her alone with her little blanket and her sad heart.
Constance is waiting for me already, scuffing the heel of her shoe against the dust on the road and although I scold her like I'm suppose too, I can't help a smile because she really is the sweetest child I ever saw with her little check dress an' bonnet. We're both early today and I'm grateful for the time to walk along in the sun.
"Whatchu thinkin' about, Leon?" She asks as she skips over the stones on the path.
"All the time you askin' 'whatchu thinkin' Leon?' 'whatchu thinkin' Leon?', it's enough to drive a man to insanity." I chide. She glances at me to check if I'm real angry. I try to keep a mean face but I never was good at make believe.
"Well, I'm jus' askin'."
"You're the most impertinent child I ever did meet." I can' help but laugh when she pokes out her tongue. "Alright, I tell you what I was thinkin'. I was rememberin' almost eleven year gon', your mama calls across to me, 'say Leon, come look at my babby, born last night. She's the prettiest thing you ever saw.' so I goes over to her cabin and right there at the foot of the bed is a crib and inside is the ugliest, scrawniest lil creature-"
"I was not!"
"Yes-m you was." I can't help a laugh at the look of outrage on her face. "And if I'd 'a known you was gon' spend the next ten years pestering me I woulda walked straigh' out that cabin without picking you up and holding you-"
"Well, if I had of known how mean you was gon' be I wouldn't have let you pick me up. I woulda screamed and screamed until you put me back down."
"And then who would you have to listen to all your chatter fo' the next ten years?"
Constance pokes her tongue out again then returns to her skipping. I glance up at the big house and the field after field of cotton behind it and my heart feels like it sinks somewhere near my feet. I remember when I was a child tellin mama I thought the cotton was pieces of cloud that had scraped against the earth and got caught there and she laughed and said, they ain't pieces of heaven child, you fine that out soon enough.
I offer the lord the same prayer as every mornin', please lord, just let this walk last a little longer, please just give me a few more minutes afore I'm there.
"I saw you leaving Missy's cabin."
"I took her some breakfast."
"Mama says you loved Missy. She said you and Missy were done gon' get married but only Missy had a baby and-"
"That's enough Constance."
"But Mama said-"
"I said that's enough Constance!"
I say the words more harshly than I wanted to and it saddens my heart to see the child flinch against my words. I ain't never raised my voice to her before and she bows her head as we walk on in silence. The smell from the bayou is mighty strong today and for one horrible moment I think I see Sam's body hanging up there but o' course they cut it down weeks ago when the smell got too bad.
"I'm sorry."
"Don' worry child. You jus' keep a trap on that tongue of yours. Ain't any good ever come from spreading gossip.'
"I know. I'm sorry Leon, don' be angry with me."
I nod to let her know that I ain't angry, at least, not with her. Clara ought to watch what she sayin' around folks with listenin' ears. Ain't mine and Missy's business got nothin' to do with Clara.
"Mistress gon' be angry today. She said if Missy ain't back to work this morning, she gon' find herself following her babby back to the market and she can see if she find another family who treat her so kind."
"Don' you go fretting your lil self 'bout that Constance, jus' you keep yo' head down and work hard."
"Leon?"
"Yea Constance?"
"You won't never leave, will you?"
"Me?"
"Yea. Now Sam gon' an' Missy babby gon' and if Missy goin'-"
"I ain't goin' nowhere."
And right then in my head like a clear picture from God, I imagine Sam runnin' through that damn bayou in the dead of night with dogs on his heels, just knowin' they was gon' catch him. I pray to God it was over quick for him and he didn' suffer no more than he had too.
"I ain't goin' nowhere, child."
"Do you think you'll ever get married Leon?"
"What's wrong with you this mornin'? You jumpin' b'tween thoughts like a bullfrog!"
"Well, do you?" She tugs on her bonnet and looks up at me earnestly.
"I shouldn't think so, ain't nobody round here took my fancy." I laugh because this child, bless her heart, is the joy of my day.
"I'll marry you Leon."
"Whatchu say?" I have to stop for a minute because the laughter hits me so hard. Lord this child is a gift.
"I'll be a good wife, I'll cook all yo' food and keep our cabin clean-"
"Oh Constance! What brought this idea down upon yo' head?"
"I mean it!" She looks so mad that it makes me laugh more an' the more I laugh she angrier she gets until she stamps her foot and points at me. "If you jus' gon' laugh then ain't no point you walking with me!"
I feel it would be in mean spirit to point out we both headed in the same direction anyway.
"I'm sorry." I try not to laugh. She looks so serious that it aches my heart. "Whatchu want with an old man like me?"
"Yo' not that old." She looks at me kinda doubtful, as if she measuring me up.
"I'm eight and thirty, by time yo' of a marryin' age I'll be an old man."
"I don' mind." She swings her little arms and I feel a heavy weight inside at the innocence of her.
"Why you got it across yo'self to be marryin' me?"
"Because yo' my best friend. An' I think it's a good idea to marry yo' best friend because then they won' annoy yo' too much."
"Oh is that what you think? Well thank you for yo' kind offer." Her little chest swells with dignity and I measure my words careful. "I don't reckon I'm the marryin' kind but yo' uncle Leon won' settle for you jus' marryin' anybody." I say fiercely. "So you better chose well."
"Well I ain't choosing one of the Goodman boys." She says with all of a haughty sniff as one o' those naughty boys whistles across the path to her. I try not to smile, wonderin' how she'll feel in 5 year time when those Goodman boys are big strapin' men who come a'courting with sweet words and posey's.
An' then they'll have me to deal with. I don' know why, but Constance jus' stole my heart the minute she was born, looking for all the world like a skinned rabbit who needed a bit o' help gettin' on in the world.
We're already at the yard and she takes her place in the line in front of me. Her skinny little arms are wrapped around her body and she keep glancing back at me, as if to check I'm still here, but where she thinks I'm going I don' know.
My back aches, my everything aches and I'm sure I'm gon' be hit with a dose of the fever. I ain't been pickin' enough for over two weeks now and I already had a fierce whipping off the overseer an' I can't handle another. They ain't looking to replace Sam, they jus' 'spectin us to pick enough to cover him, but I can't pick any more than I do.
I wonder where Sam is now. Maybe the lord took his soul and let him fly across the ocean and go back home where he wanted to be. I hope so. I truly do hope so. The Master says that's last time he buys a slave straight off the ship, he says they ain't as docile as the ones who been bred here.
The line shuffles forward and I step without thinkin' an' it ain't until they start shoutin' that I notice what's goin' on. The overseer is shouting at Constance because she ain't paying attention and didn't move forward with the line. He gives her a heavy hit with the leather and lord help me, I want to rip it out of his hands and hit him back harder.
Bless her soul, Constance doesn't cry, though her eyes look wet, she stands firm and juts her little chin out with pride.
"Whatchu thinking about Constance?" I ask under my breath when the overseer moves down the line. I was hopin' to make her smile but the tears she was tryin' not to shed look dangerous close now.
"I don' want to go inside, Leon." She looking real fearful up the steps and I follow her eyes to the man standin' on the porch.
The masters son ain't looking at us but I tear my eyes away all the same.
Best not to be caught lookin' at him.
"Constance?" She don't look at me, her eyes are real fearful and I know that look. It's the look Missy used to give him, until he put the babby in her stomach and he left her alone.
But not my little Constance. Please God, not my little sweet Constance.
"Are you scared o' him?"
She nods, real slow and as the line moves forward I have to grab her wrist an' pull her along with me.
"Why? He ever hurt you?"
"No."
"You can tell yo' uncle Leon anything."
She don' speak but she don' have too.
***
They weighin' the cotton, but I ain't concentraitin and it ain't until the overseer shouts my name that I even look up. At first I think it's gon' be another whippin', but he smiling an' he says, "Leon, you managed almost twice as much as yesterday! You got more than anyone else!"
Claras eyes are all filled up with tears and I know that she got less than ever'one else. Ain't easy to pick when you got a babby on yo' back and you still ain't recovered from childbed.
She gon' be alright, overseer Kirk ain't so bad to the women, at least not in the way of beatin' them. He won't whip her.
As soon as we excused I hurry back to the yard. My head been full of jus' one thing all day, jus' one and I ain't thought of anything else.
Constance ain't waiting for me in the yard. Sometimes she ain't recently and I guess I jus' put it down to her workload gettin' harder with Missy gon'. But I ain't goin' back down to my cabin 'til I got my little Constance with me. I don't care 'bout any whippin'.
I ain't been in the big house since I was 'bout same age Constance is now. When I slips into the kitchen, the firs' person I encounter is a housemaid I know is called Celia. When she spots me, she gasps an' drops the jug she was carrying.
"Celia? What on earth are you doing, you stupid girl?"
Celia looks at me and opens her mouth but I shake my head. I don' know her well at all, we don't share no kin an' she don' have a cabin with the rest of us. She sleep up here in the big house an' it's more than her job worth to not tell the mistress 'bout a field slave sneakin' in the back door.
I don't move. She lookin' at me hard, wonderin' what I'm doin' here. I'm wonderin' the same thing.
"Celia?" The mistress don't sound happy.
"I'm sorry ma'am, I just dropped a jug. The dog ran under my feet." Celia calls back. Her eyes don' leave my face.
"Don't you be blaming the dog for your clumsiness, girl!"
Celia knees to scoop up the broken jug and I step into the hall. She keeps her eyes down and pretends she don't notice me. That's the only way to do it, pretend you don't ever see nothin'.
I don't know where Constance will be. In time gone by when my mama worked the big house, most young girl would be in the nursery, but given the masters son ain't given his wife a babby yet, I don't know. The only babby he fathered was to Missy and that babe is long gone.
I can hear people runnin' around and I try to keep outta the way. Most house slaves won't pretend they didn't see me like Clara. Punishment for letting me pass would be too harsh and reward for catchin' me would be too great to miss.
I don't even know where I'm goin'. I should probably turn back, an' if only I could erase the picture of little Constance and her scared face, I would go now. But I can't.
When a hand grabs my arm, I damn near have a heart attack, but it's only old York. York is almost as blind as he is deaf and they say the master only keep him on account o' York bein' his own daddy's favourite slave.
York eyes are milky white and I don't like to look at them too long. He shakes his head and jabs one of his twisted fingers to the a small stairway. I don't know what else to do but follow the direction.
York stands at the bottom of the stair and watches me walk up with those milky eyes of his. Ain't 'til I get upstairs when I break away from where he starin' at me. I can feel his eyes on my back and lord, I don' like it.
There is a noise comin' from inside the room ahead. A low whisper an' a quiet sobbin' an' my blood begins to pump so fast through my veins I don't know how no one else can hear it.
But it ain't until I push the door open an' I see them that ever'thin' inside me turns red. I ain't got control of myself no more.
All my life I jus' kept my head down and do my work. I take every beatin' and harsh word that comes my way an' even though my soul cries, screams out for liberty, I don't cause no trouble, I jus' do as I'm told.
But you see, I ain't ever loved anyone a'fore. Constance is the only pure thing in my life, she's the only thing that gives me any relief from this wretched existence and I truly have no control over what happens next. Truly I don't. I ain't never been a violent soul but I don't even hesitate, even when he tryin' to prise my fingers off his neck, I don't pause for a second.
Constance don't make a sound. She sobs and she heaves but she don't make a single sound. See they taught us to be invisible. They taught us to stay quiet and she does. She turn her face away and cries quietly.
It's all a blur really. I jus' remember big Jack bein' there in the doorway with York standing behind him. An' I thought to myself, that's it now Leon, you gon' go join Sam and hang over that damn bayou. Ain't no way outta this.
But it don't happen like that. Celia follows behind and she almost screams at the sight in the room. Big Jack clamps his hand over her mouth, real tight an' next thing I know Big Jack pullin' the masters son over to one side of the attic an' Celia pullin' me by my arm, tryin' to get me to leave.
I don't move though. I can't. I'm just staring at the masters son. It feels like time has stopped an' all I can hear from far away is Constance sobbin' and Celia whisperin' "You kilt him, Leon, oh lawd, oh lawd, you kilt him."
It don't seem real til she says it like that.
An' then I'm runnin', runnin' like hounds are snappin' my heels, but o' course I ain't got nowhere to go, so I run down the path by the river and don' stop until I reach my cabin. I slam the door behind me and my heart is thumpin' so loud it's painful. I hear Clara bangin' the door and askin' what the in the name of Jehovah I think I'm playin' at runnin' round like that, but I don't open up.
I scramble under my bunk an' I lay there waitin' for the commotion to begin, jus' waitin' for someone to come bangin' on my door. Mumbled prayers fall from my lips and I ain't aware of anythin' but the awful picture in my mind, the one that is playin' over and over of the masters son and my hands round his neck. Of the horrible way his eyes bulged and there weren't nothin' between me an' him but my heartsick rage.
It feels like hours and hours but in truth it can't be more than two until a lil' tapping sound on the door sends me into a state of deeper panic.
"It's jus' me, Leon. Open up, please, please, open up!"
O' course, I ain't never gon' turn Constance away when she needs me, but I'm half 'spectin some sorta trick when I open the door. I ain't even got the damn thing fully open when she flies into the room, wrapping her arms about my stomach and embracin' me tight.
I close the door an' jus' let her hug me for a second a'fore I gently pull her away.
"Hush now, child. That's all right. Everythin' is alright now." My voice sounds calmer than I thought it ever could again an' it's a good job 'cause it takes a while to calm her down. She keeps clutchin' at me an' every time I let her go, she throws her skinny little body back at me. Eventually I jus' let her cry it out as she clings to me. An' when I look down at her skinny shoulders heavin' I wonder at the kind of man who could think such unholy thoughts of a child like that.
"I thought they was gon' take you away."
"Who?" I feel a beat of fear in my chest again.
"I don' know! Somebody! I thought they was gon' do you like they did Sam."
"Hush now, don' talk like that. Tell me what happened."
"Celia told me to go back to work an' act like nothin' happened. An' I tried but my hands was shakin' so bad I split sugar ever'where an' I got such a slap my ears was ringin'. Then I tried to go ask Celia what I should say if anyone ask me where masters son was, but she jus' acted like she didn' even know me."
"Do you usually talk to her?"
"Well no, not usually! Then next thing I see big Jack loadin' up the cart to go over to the Morris plantation an' he jus' look straigh' through me an'-"
"Is he- the masters son... Is he still up in that attic?"
"I don' know!" Her whole little body is trenblin' an' I know it's all too much for her, she jus' a little child. I take a little cup of my beef jerky stew and make her drink it but all the time my head is goin' crazy and I'm wonderin' if I should go back up the big house an' try an' move the body somehow. Obviously they ain't told nobody yet so I still got time.
Little Constance is stronger than people would credit her an' that's always been my favourite thing about her. She sits a while longer with me a'fore dryin' her eyes. Clara gon' be wonderin' where she is an' she can't sit here forever, her mama gon' have a list of jobs for her a'fore she's allowed to bed down for the night.
"Constance?"
"Yea, Leon?"
"You can't talk about this with no one-"
"I know."
"I mean it, not ever-"
"I know." She looks so fierce that I can tell she ain't gonna breath a word.
"I... Yo' uncle Leon is sorry that you had to see that. Yo' a precious child, Constance, an' there ain't nothin' I wouldn't do to protect you. Whatever happen next ain't your fault. I don't care 'bout nothin', jus' so long as you safe."
She nods and I can see that ever'thin hit her all at once, but I have to tell her this one las' thing.
"Constance? What... What that man wanted to do to you was wrong. An' I know yo' know that, an' I know you can't tell anyone. But I'm here. An' I know, an' you can always talk to yo' uncle Leon. Don't let secrets eat you up inside. I know I'm an ol' fool but you can talk to me 'bout anythin'."
"I'm jus' scared they gon' hurt you." She starts to cry again an' I shake my head.
"Don't you worry. Don't even think 'bout it. Jus' keep your mouth closed and get yo'self home. Your uncle Leon gon take care of ever'thin."
I ain't got no idea how to do this, but it calms the child down. Usually I jus' let her walk the few steps to her own cabin, but tonight I stand out and watch her, she raises that little chin in her defiant way an' walks across the grass. I look at her back as she retreats. Her little shoulders are so skinny, an' I wonder why the lord has put such a heavy burden for her to carry on them.
Now I feel sick. When Constance was here I was ok, but now I'm left alone with my thoughts I think I'm gonna go crazy. I don't know what to do, I jus' pace the floor up an' down with a million thoughts pushin' into my head.
The worst one is that I'm gon join Sam. It ain't the joinin' him that worries me so, it's the journey I'll have to take to get there. Ain't nobody gon' give a slave who killed the masters son an easy journey to the next life.
It's late, very late, when I hear voices outside the cabins. Ain't never anybody out at this time o' night and at firs' my legs begin to shake, until I recognise one o' the voices as Clara's. I creep forward an' open the door a crack, jus' to look out, an' I almost faint when I see the shape of Big Jack.
"Leon? Is that you? Come on out here!" Clara calls over to me. "Big Jack here was lookin' for someone to help him. I can't leave the babby."
"What's the matter?" I can't believe how my voice can sound so calm.
"I jus' been over to the Morris Plantation, had a bit o' trouble on the way back with the wagon. Boss said to run ahead an' find an able fella who can help." Big Jack got a voice that seems to rumble through the night air towards me.
"Which boss?"
"Overseer Kirk. We need to hurry, he's stuck on the edge of the bayou and he ain't known for his patience."
I nod, barely knowin' what I'm doin' as I grab my jacket. Jack waits for me an' we set off in silence.
See I got it all figured out. They waitin' for me at the edge of the bayou an' Jack is gone take me right to them. I ain't gon see another mornin'.
An' you know, the strangest feelin' of peace comes to me. I jus' hope it's all over quick and I don't have to suffer too much.
"Yo' know, up at the house we got a maid called Celia." Jack says all of a sudden. It's so dark I can only see the outline of him an' he ain't lookin' at me, he jus' walkin' straight ahead.
"I see." I don' know what he 'spects me to say. O' course I know who Celia is, jus' 4 hours past we was all in the same room with a dead body.
I don't say this o' course. My mind is still on what's waitin' for me at the edge of the bayou. Jack carries on walkin' then carries on as if we takin' afternoon tea an' havin' a pleasant chat.
"You know my grandaddy, his name is York. He been up at the old house since a'fore the old master was even born. An' me and my sister Celia was born in that house."
Now I already knew that some of the house slaves shared kin, but I didn't realise York an' Jack an' Celia were so closely related, an' I don't know why he's tellin' me this.
"Yo' know, me an' Celia had another babby sister, Lucille they call her. I always loved that name. Lucille. Sounds grand, don't it? She was 18 year younger than me, an' 15 year younger than Celia, so she always was our little babby. She was such a pretty babe, even the mistress used to call her in to the house an' pet her."
"I ain't never heard of no Lucille."
"Lucille been gone 8 year now, before even Missy started workin' up the big house. In fact, Missy was brought in to replace her, so there ain't no reason you would have heard o' her." Big Jack stops for a moment an' sighs real heavy. He looks around, catchin' his bearin' then we're off again and he carries on with his story.
"When Lucille was 14 she fell pregnant." He pauses to climb over a gate. He waits until I'm over too a'fore he continues. "Now, there's a strange problem up at that house. Unwed slaves jus' seems to fall pregnant with no warnin'. It happened to Celia, but she got such beatin' for it that the child left her body. Lucille was jus' 14 when she fell pregnant."
"What happened to her?"
"They sold her. I don't know what happened to her babby, but he didn't go with her. Lucille cried and screamed for mama when they took her away. Mama died not long after, an' Celia says it was a broken heart."
"I'm truly sorry for yo' losses."
"Like I said, something strange 'bout that house. Celia, Lucille, Missy... An' if I ain't wrong, lil Constance would have been next."
Big Jack turns to look at me an' I try to see where he's goin' with this.
"It's a terrible thing to love someone an' not be able to protect them. That's the sorta thing that'll haunt you all yo' life." He looks at me for a long moment a'fore gesturin' ahead.
"Anyway brother, we here now." He points down to a lantern further down the bayou. I can hear Overseer Kirk hollerin' even from this distance, but I ain't scared now. I'm jus' tryin' to understand what Jack is tryin' to tell me.
"Why did you break down out here?"
"I don' know. Looks like someone has loosened the wheel on the cart on purpose, that's what Overseer Kirk thinks anyway. Maybe he jus' paranoid. We already broke down once earlier on in the middle of the bayou."
"I mean, why were you out?"
"We had to go over to the Morris Plantation to deliver some parcels for the master. It's a shame though, when we broke down earlier one of the bigger parcels fell right into the bayou."
"Is that right?"
"Yessir. Right in. Well, I couldn't get it out. There's crocs in that water and they'll eat any damn thing that goes in there. It's a shame... But I guess if anyone was worried about a parcel that was left in the attic... Well it fell in the bayou and it ain't comin' out."
There's a long pause an' I think my heart is gon beat out my chest with the sheer relief.
"I see. I hope the masters son ain't gon be angry." I say, real careful.
"Oh, he gon' away for a few days, up in the city. He often does. His wife ain't fond o' cards an he is rather partial to them. I hope he's careful up there. City's a dangerous place for a body travellin' alone."
Overseer Kirk is now of such a distance that he can hear the murmur of us talkin' an' he's shouting obscenities so loud I can barely hear Jack.
"It's strange that yo' cart broke down so close to my cabin."
I can see Jacks face in the light of he lantern an' his lips twist in a grin.
"Strange indeed. Still, I'm glad it happened, it's been nice to make yo' acquaintance, brother. I don' think we'll have much occasion to speak again."
"I guess not."
Overseer Kirk is so close now that he can see us. He's screamin' blue murder an' tellin' us we better fix this cart or he'll have us both whipped till we scream, an' I know the mean bastard well enough to know he'll do it.
"Oh an' Leon?" Jack whispers as we bend to the wheel. I can see that the wheel ain't broke at all, it just needs the joist tightenin'. Overseer Kirk was right, someone has loosened it after all.
"Yeah?" I whisper back.
"You gotta look after what's important in this world. Constance is a good lil girl. you be sure to look out for her."
"I will, brother. I will."