"Are you okay?"
I bit my lip and nodded. He had been in the room with Austin for nearly half an hour. I couldn't convince myself to peek in. I knew it was something only Brad could've helped him through.
Brad thought I was the right person for the job but I couldn't have gone inside and spent all that time with him without breaking down into tears myself. I knew that. I knew I cared about Austin more than I cared to admit-- it had been made clear to me now. I couldn't watch him cry, it was almost just as hard as watching Brad cry. Almost.
"Austin's getting ready to leave, he understands what this means, I just wish this never--"
"I'm sorry." I blurted. He had to believe that I felt guilty. I needed him to be weak around me. It's awful. It's something I wish I didn't have to do but I do. But it's the only way I'll be able to manipulate him when I have to. I need to be able to control him.
Wow, I sound evil. I guess that's another thing checked off my bucket list.
Another thing I wish I didn't have to do was take advantage of Austin's current state of mind.
When he was at his weakest. No matter how he takes it, it will affect him and although I wish this never happened, I have to use the situation to my advantage.
Now, I really sound like a jerk.
"Izabelle, this-- this shouldn't have happened. But you have nothing to be sorry about, okay? This is my fault. I'm going to go get the car, tell Austin his sisters are safe and bring him out in a few minutes, yeah?" He held my shoulders.
I nodded and as he started to leave, I whispered in the softest, weakest voice I could muster, "Brad, it's not your fault," if anything, this would make it harder on him. Knowing that nobody's going to accept his guilt because he shouldn't even have it. Knowing that I wouldn't accept it. It's going to eat him up.
Watching him be happy was an absolute pleasure but happy Brad was not what I needed anymore.
I hated watching either of them cry but when they were vulnerable, they basically melted at the mere sound of my shaky breath. All I had to do now was successfully convince them that they were in control. And I think I've been doing a great job with Brad so far. I just had to keep doing this until all of this was over. It was the only way I was ever going to get any answers when I wanted them.
"Austin." I knocked on the door.
"Ditching the bloody clothes!" He called out sounding surprisingly normal?
"Austin, may I come in?"
"Sure you want to be in the same room as the guy who basically killed his mother?" Ohkay? What?
"It's not your fault."
"Says the girl who still blames herself for leaving out a bottle of fucking sleeping pills! If you can beat yourself about Cindy, I think I can blame myself for this." Cindy. Gosh she'd hate the person I've become-- hell I'm not even fond of the person I've turned into.
Less than twenty four hours ago I actually had a heart-- and that seems so bloody unrealistic to me right now.
I guess this is how Brad felt all the time? Empty? But at the same time full of shit?
"Austin, you couldn't have done anything--"
He opened the door and pulled me inside-- ouch! Instantly, hitting my body against the closed door.
"You really want to know why I feel this way?" He was holding the collar of my jacket.
I gulped hard and nodded.
"Because even when things got bad and she was coughing up blood because of the knife stuck in her, all I could think about was myself. Because she was right about me! I am selfish, thankless, outright pathetic and I would always put myself before anyone else! I wanted to run, hide-- hell anything-- I reluctantly managed to convince myself to stay but I know I just wanted to save myself. I didn't care about her, not the way I should've. Izabelle, I--I've always wanted to believe that I'm not Arthur. That I'm not the person she saw in me. But I am. I'm just as wretched and cowardly as she believed I was." Austin Prince was a wreck. I allowed a few genuine tears to fall-- gosh why do I feel this way?
"Austin?" I whispered, allowing half a sob to leave my throat. I couldn't help the fear. It creeped through my skin. He just had that look on his face. The one that only Brad could combine with the perfect amount of concern.
"I won't hurt you." His voice was cold.
"I--I know." I whispered.
"Then why do you look so scared of me?" He growled in my face.
"Prince--" he removed his hands from my collar.
"Brad wanted us out, let's go." He said.
"Austin I think we need to talk." I took his hands in mine.
"Talking won't fix this."
"Talking won't hurt either." I got on my tiptoes and pecked his forehead.
"What about Brad?" He asked.
"Brad will wait. He's going to understand."
"And if he doesn't?"
I lowered my lips now. I travelled from his forehead, down to his nose and left a little kiss on it.
"Austin. He will."
"Brad doesn't like waiting." He murmured.
"Prince we have to talk!" I whisper yelled.
"I don't want to talk!"
"Alright, then let me talk, okay?"
He said nothing. Which meant I had convinced him to listen.
"I was so fucking mad at you last night, I--I hated you. I was almost happy you weren't there because that way I didn't have to deal with how I felt or how I wanted to feel. And I didn't have to deal with your big puppy eyes watching me as I turned into this hateful bitch that I believed you made me."
"I'm sorry-- look I did care for you, maybe not always but when it mattered I did and I'm sorry for what I did. I shouldn't have lied to you--"
"I forgave you the moment I saw you today. I couldn't get myself to hate you. Austin-- I don't care that you hurt me, I know you would never do it unless you were forced to-- I don't know how I know but I do. I don't know anything about your mother. I don't know what your relationship with her was like, I don't know what happened today but Austin-- there's nothing you could've done. You think you're selfish and cowardly but you're not. You knew there was no way to save her but there was still a chance for you-- and that's why every bone in your body told you to save yourself." This was what he had to hear. An explanation.
"You don't know that. You don't know anything! If I had just fought--"
"You wouldn't stand a chance Austin! I've seen you fight, I know what you can and can't do. The only mistake you made was trying to go back to the way things were. Hey, crying isn't going to fix anything, Prince, listen to me, do you want to know what Brad told me today? Do you want to know what happened this morning? He told me he felt like he still has a shot at happiness, Brad said that! Prince, he means to sort this mess out. It's all going to be okay." I whispered, kissing his cheek.
"Izabelle... I--I don't know how to explain this to you-- I hated her, I hated how she treated my sisters. I hated how she treated me. It didn't upset me that she was gone-- do you have any idea how that felt? Not feeling anything for your own mother even when she's dying?" He stopped momentarily to take a breath. Oh Austin."I don't know what to do Izabelle-- I don't know how to feel? This isn't about you or Brad or all of this being okay-- I was upset because I realised how little I felt for her. I felt like a monster Izabelle-- hell I still feel like one. It doesn't help that none of this would've happened if not for me." He let go of my hands and passed them through his hair.
"Austin. Prince, look at me." I said holding the side of his neck. His brown eyes were dead. Utterly lifeless. This wasn't him. This wasn't the wonderful guy I knew as Austin Prince. "Austin, you're not a monster." I whispered. He flinched at the sound of the word.
"You don't know that Izabelle-- you don't know me--"
"I know you're not a monster! Austin you were attacked. You were scared for your life! It's okay to be scared for your life! It's what your body is programmed to do in such situations! Care about its own survival! Stop calling yourself a monster for being normal!" He had to understand this. He was taking this hard and he had to at least pretend to believe that it wasn't fault.
I hugged him. "Don't do this to yourself." I whispered in his ear.
"I've never felt this way Izabelle. Never this unbearable hatred for myself. Not even when I lost Violet. I can't even begin to explain the pain." He was weak. And the only thing going on in my head was how I could use this for my own benefit.
I understood what he was feeling.
Because I could feel it.
He wasn't just losing someone he loved, he was losing himself. He didn't feel like himself. He felt like a stranger in his own skin. He loathed everything about himself because it wasn't the person he wanted to be.
In a way I was now a combination of the worst of both of them. I was a heartless little bitch like Brad. And I could feel my innocence slip away from me, just like Austin could.
And I hated it.
I hated all of it.
_____________
A/N
Argh. Argh. Argh.
Pirates are kinda cool.
You know what else is kinda cool???
If you do, please tell me! I need more kinda cool things in my very uncool life.
I mean my life's not entirely uncool, there's calculus which is THE COOLEST THING EVER! IT'S LIKE MAGIC BUT WAAAAAYYY COOLER!
Okay, I don't always understand it and I kinda suck at it but DAMN IT'S SO COOL!
Okay! Time to be evil!
*Throws confetti in your room*
Have fun cleaning that up!
Bwahahaha!
*Starts cleaning it up out of guilt*
I'm sorry! Please don't hate me!
*Gathers all the confetti and leaves*
Byeeee!
See yaaaaaa!