This chapter Jake finds out the importance of forgiveness and the effect his anger and hatred towards John can have in his relationship with Grace. I need to say that there are things coming up in the next few chapters that they will have to work through and will be tough as they build their relationship.
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
Chapter 11
1 John 4:16-21 God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.
Life was going great. Jake and I had been dating for about a month. The football team was doing very well thanks to Jake and some of his great plays and leadership on the team. The swim team had started back up and I had morning and afternoon practices. Our first meet was coming up in two weeks.
It had been a couple weeks since I had received the court date and John's letter. Jake and I had no secrets...well I had one secret. I loved him, but I did not like it when he got angry so I decided not to tell him that John was sending me other letters. I knew even though I had forgiven John, that Jake had not and it was difficult for him. So, I decided to keep it to myself.
John was forgiven, I had no ill feelings towards him. We had been friends a long time. I needed to let him know he was forgiven, but I didn't want to do it in a letter. I knew Jake would be upset if I went to see him, but I also knew Jake would be more upset if I did not tell him. I did not know what to do.
I had an appointment with Dr. Palmer after school and I decided to ask his Dad for advice. Dr. Palmer was very happy that I was so at peace with everything. He could tell that I was whole again, or at least very close to being whole again. This was actually going to be our last session, unless I felt the need to return in the future.
"Dr. Palmer, I do have to talk to you about something." I confided towards the end of my session.
"Go ahead Grace."
"I need your word that Jake will not find out." I said hesitantly.
"Grace, Jake will never know what you tell me in here unless you tell him!" I knew that already, but it was good to hear.
"You know I got a letter about the court date a couple of weeks ago...and with it I got a letter from John apologizing for the attack." I said. This is something we had discussed in session right after it happened. Plus, I am sure Jake told him as well, it was something that bothered him and I knew he would seek guidance from his dad.
"Yes."
"Well, since then, I have been getting letters from John."
"How many letters?"
"Four so far. In the letters John tells me how sorry he was and that he would never do it again. That he truly had feelings for me, but understands how things could never be that way between us now because of that night. He has asked me to forgive him, that he 'loves' me and that he wants me to come and see him. I never replied to the letters, I would read them and then put them away."
"I see." He said. "Why do you think you keep the letters?"
"I just did not want to throw them out in case he does something stupid, I have evidence he was contacting me. Mom doesn't even know he is writing me."
"OK."
"I have not told Jake. I know he would be upset and it is the only secret we have!"
"Oh." He said. "Are you asking me about this because I am your doctor or because I am his Dad?"
"His Dad." I hesitated, "But there is more."
"OK. I am listening."
"I think I should go and see John to let him know he is forgiven, that yes, he broke me and hurt me, but he no longer has a hold on me. But, I know this will upset Jake."
"You are right, it will upset Jake. But, if you feel you need to do this then you should. My concern is that you do not go alone. And quiet honestly Jake can handle you going as long as he is there."
"But, I don't know if John can handle seeing me with Jake. The attack started because he was jealous I had been on other dates with other people."
"Grace, this is about you being complete and healing. Besides, I am sure John's friends have already told him you are dating Jake. And on December 13, John will see Jake in the courtroom."
"How should I tell Jake?"
"Be honest with him. He hates secrets. Tell him why you want to do it and explain your thoughts to him. He loves you and he will support you no matter what!"
I stood up and I gave Dr. Palmer a hug. "Thank you for everything, not just today but everything!"
"Grace, Jake has had other girlfriends, but I have never seen him head over heels in love with someone like he is with you. I love him and you make him happy, which I was not expecting him to be so happy here after our move. You have helped him transition to OHS and put a smile on his face every day. So, thank you!"
I left his office and went to swim practice. I knew I could clear my head while in the pool. Being in the water seemed to do that. With each lap, I let the stress of the situation fall off. By the time practice was over, I was at peace with my decision to see John and to let Jake know what was going on.
We were working on our homework in the kitchen. Jake started playing with my left hand, running his fingers through mine, tracing the curves of my fingers with his. Then, he grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to him and leaned over to give me a kiss. He could tell I was distracted. "Gracie, you will do fine on the History test tomorrow, don't worry."
"I know." I told him, "But it is not the history test I am worried about."
"Then what is it babe, I will take care of it!"
I got up and walked to a drawer in the kitchen and pulled out the letters. "I am worried you will be mad."
"Gracie, I love you, there is nothing you can do that will make me mad."
"Remember you said that!" I said as I laid the letters down in front of him.
"That creep is sending you letters?"
"Yes, John is sending me letters. About two a week."
"Why haven't you told me?"
"I am telling you now. I didn't want to upset you."
"We need to contact his lawyer or the DA and let them know and they will tell him to stop."
"OK." I said, "But I had another idea. Please remember you said you would not get mad."
I think he knew what I was going to say because he yelled, "NO WAY IN HELL am I going to let you see him!"
I sat down at the table and I pulled my knees into my chest. I put my forehead on my knees and I buried my face. "I knew you would be mad at me." I whispered.
All of a sudden I felt my chair scooting on the floor moving closer to him. He took his arms and wrapped me tightly in them. He buried his face next to mine and I could feel his breath on my cheek and neck. "Gracie, I am not mad at you. Please understand that. I love you."
"But, you don't want me to see him and I need to. I could have just done it without you knowing until afterwards, but I knew that would really piss you off."
"You are right, I would be very upset if you saw him and did not tell me."
"But, I need to show him he did not win...that I am OK and I forgive him."
"Tell the DA to tell him to stop contacting you. That is all you need to do!"
"I can't do that. I need to show him. I also need to tell him face to face to leave me alone."
"IF you insist on doing this...I will insist on going with you."
"My concern there is that if you go with me and John sees you and me together, he will have a bad reaction."
"I honestly do not care about his reaction. I actually hope it is bad and I get to see some guards beat up on him." He said with a laugh.
"NO! Jake, you have to forgive him. I have and I don't understand why you can't."
"Because I saw him on you, hitting you, trying to rape you. I saw the look in his eye when he did not see me trying to open your door. I saw the look of surprise on his face when I pulled him out of the truck. And I saw how battered and bruised and broken you were afterwards. Then...I saw you tighten up any time in the weeks after that I touched you, caressed you and your mind would go to that night. I know what you went through, because I went through it with you!"
"But Jake, that is over, you saved me...but if you don't forgive him your anger will get the best of you. You won't have room in your heart to truly love me as long as you are harboring hate. I don't want a relationship that was seeded in hate for John."
He pulled away and I could see the shock in his face. "My love for you has nothing to do with my hate for him."
"Your love for me was started when you rescued me from him." Then I added, "Jake you told me you don't know why your mom left your dad, but that you wonder if she ever loved him or the idea that she was marrying a doctor... Jake, if your love is seeded from hatred of John, how much of a chance would our love have of surviving?" Once the words were out, I knew I had crossed the line. Comparing his mother's abandonment and lack of love to his hatred of John.
I could see the tears well up in his eyes. We both began to cry. "Jake, I love you. And I know with every fiber of my being that you love me. But down the road, I don't want your hatred of John or anything else tearing our love apart."
He pulled me close and hugged me. "I am so sorry. I never want to hurt you and by holding on to my anger, I am hurting you. But, I don't know how I can forgive him."
"First you have to forgive yourself." I told him. "Jake I love you, but there is someone who loves you even more... GOD! He loves you so much that he sent his son to die for you. I know you have told me you don't even know if God exists, but trust me, he does. He knows everything about you and until you are forgiven, it is hard to forgive others." I got up and sat in his lap wrapping my arms around him. "Jesus loves you and that love is unlike any love you will ever know."
"Help me. Will you pray with me?" He said through his tears.
"Yes! Repeat after me, Dear Jesus, I am a sinner, I am asking you to forgive me of my sins and come and live in my heart. I pray that you guide my thoughts, my words, my actions and my footsteps as I walk in your peace and love. Show me the way to live my life for you. And dear Jesus, as you have forgiven me, please help me to forgive others. Lord God, it is going to be hard, but I ask that you help me forgive John and I pray that you will forgive him too. In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
I sat there on Jake's lap holding his head close to my chest as he cried. He hugged me tight not wanting to let go. After several minutes, he looked up and me and said, "Thank You!" Then he took his hand and put it around the back of my neck and pulled me into him and kissed me. "My dad has taught me that honesty is the best policy. I would rather know how you feel and face what I need than hide it from me. Like my mom did."
"I am sorry I brought her up."
"I am not, that is what helped me realize that I don't want anything coming between us...my lack of faith or my hatred and I had to release them both." Then he added. "When are we going to see him?"
"Saturday? I have practice tomorrow after school and you have a game tomorrow night. Then I have practice Saturday morning, but it should be over by noon. But, you don't have to go with me."
"Yes I do, not for you, but for me. I need to show him I forgave him also." He said. "It may be hard, but I will try."
"I love you." I said as I kissed his cheek and he hugged me close.
"Can I ask you something?" He said.
"Of course."
"I don't want to seem stupid, but something you said a couple of weeks ago that I just can not get out of my mind...I don't quiet understand... What did you mean when you said that you can feel God?"
"Everyone feels Him differently. Sometimes it is in the small things, a perfect sunrise, a beautiful Spring day, a loved one's smile." I said as I touched his face. "It is sometimes in miracles that happen, someone being healed physically, someone showing up at the right time in the right place to intervene. Then sometimes you can feel his presence you know he is moving in your life like bringing someone into your life that you love and that loves you."
"But couldn't most of those things just happen by coincidence?" He asked.
"Someone might think that. But, I would rather say, 'There is a God' and believe He has a hand in what happens in my life than to think by sheer luck something or someone great happens in my life."
"I am glad God brought you into my life!" He said as he kissed my forehead.
"Me too." I replied.
"Why do you think bad things happen to good people? I mean, my Dad did not deserve my Mom leaving, my Grandma did not deserve to die of cancer, your Dad did not deserve to be killed by a drunk driver."
"I don't know. Maybe it is to bring something better into your life, like your Dad... maybe he had to go through your mom leaving in order for God to be able to bring someone into his life that truly loves him. I don't know why my Dad or your Grandma died, but I like to think it was their time or something better came out of a bad situation. The drunk driver that hit my Dad survived, and for a long time my Mom had a problem with that. A few years ago, she got a letter from him saying that night turned his life around and now he works with youth who have drinking and drug problems."
"I could see that. Dad had not been happy for years. Maybe he will find someone who truly loves him. And when Grandma was in the hospital there were several doctors and nurses that she led to know Christ while on her deathbed."
"I just have learned not to question God when things happens...good or bad. I just thank Him for whatever it is, that I accept it or that I learn from it." I told him. "But, I can tell you this, I don't think I could have ever forgiven John so quickly if it wasn't for you and your Dad. Maybe that is the good thing about you moving down here."
"No." He said as he hugged me tight. "The good thing about us moving here was me falling in love with you." Then he put his hand on my chin and lifted it to kiss me. One of those slow soft kisses that melted my insides and made my heart flutter.
That was when we heard Mom come into the room. "Kids, have you seen my keys? I just got a call and they need me at the hospital."
I stood up and said, "No, but I will help you find them." After a few minutes of searching she found them on the kitchen counter.
"Got them Grace." She said.
"Jake, I will walk you out." I said as I pulled him up from the kitchen chair. We went outside and sat on the porch swing. I sat with my back to the arm of the swing and pulled my knees close to my chest hugging them. Jake sat down next to me and pulled my legs into his lap to hold them. I was wearing shorts and even in South Florida, the night air is sometimes cool. I hopped up real quick and ran back into the house and grabbed a throw from the back of the sofa and brought it out with me. I sat right back down and threw the blanket over my legs that were again in his lap.
"OK, I think it is my turn." I said. "If you could not play football, what other sport would you play?"
"Well Coach Turner wants me to play basketball, but that season conflicts with baseball and I wanted to try out for that. I don't know if I will make the team. It has been a couple of years since I played, I was focusing on football, but since the scouts are not looking at me here, I thought I might as well pick up a bat and glove again. Plus, I heard the team is pretty good at OHS."
"Yes, they are...one of the rare good sports here." I confirmed.
"My turn...and I have wanted to ask you this question for some time...but if you don't answer it, I understand."
"My curiosity is peaked...but I must confess, I am a little scared."
He cleared his throat and looked at me very intently. "When I leave, what do you do?"
"You mean like my nightly routine?" I just wanted to clarify the question.
"Yes."
"It depends on if Mom is working that night at the hospital. When you leave and Mom is not here, I lock the door, check the windows and set the alarm. Then I hop in the shower, get dressed for bed, get under the covers and then do my devotions. Then I wait for you to call me...if you wait awhile to call, I will pick up a book to read while I wait or I will call Hope. Then I talk to you until I am about to fall asleep." Then I thought, "Why? What do you do?"
"I was just wondering. And I rush home like a madman, get ready for bed and call this HOT girl!"
"Then you call me after you talk to her?"
"Very funny! You are the HOTTEST girl I know!" He said as he began to tickle me.
Mom came out of the house then and said, "OK, I am out of here. Set the alarm when Jake leaves and I will call you in half an hour to make sure you are inside and everything is locked and OK."
"Yes, ma'am." I told her. "Mom, have a good night at work and I will see you tomorrow."
"See you, and don't stay out here too late."
"I will be leaving soon Mrs. Stevens."
As she drove away, he said, "After the game tomorrow night, I thought about asking Tim and Hope if they wanted to come over to my house. Just the four of us. Maybe order some pizza and pick up a movie or play a game."
"Yeah, that sounds great. But, I have swim practice at 7 AM, so I can't stay out too late. Why don't we do it at Hope's so we can get things set up while you are at your Post-Game meeting?"
"That's early for swim practice isn't it?"
"Well actually practice is normally at 5:30 during the week, so I get to sleep in a little."
"Babe, when do you sleep?"
"When we get off the phone until about 5:00 then I throw on something and ride my bike to the pool...then I come home after practice and after dinner I crash for about an hour before you come over."
"I had no idea your practice was that early! I should let you get some sleep."
"Honestly, after the attack I fell asleep twice in the weeks that followed without crying myself to sleep and both those times it was when I fell asleep in your arms. Once in the car on our friends only date and once on the sofa. Then when you started calling me before I fell asleep, I stopped crying myself to sleep. So, even though I don't think I would cry if you did not call, it makes me feel safe and I want your voice to be the last thing I hear before I go to sleep."
"I wish you would have told me that."
"Why? What could you have done differently?"
"I don't know, sneak into your room and hold you until you were asleep?"
"Yeah, and my Mom gets a call from the security company when you break in and forbids me to ever see you again!" I said with a laugh.
"Well, maybe I would have you turn the alarm off before I came in!"
"Then your Dad call the cops to report you missing and my Mom finds you in my bed the next morning! That would go over really good with our parents!"
"I see your point, but I would have done something if I knew you needed me."
"I will always need you, but sometimes I need to be strong enough to get through things on my own." And he gave me a kiss just below my jawline and ear.
"Mmmmm," I said. That was my favorite spot for his kisses and I think he had figured that out. "I think you need to go."
He nuzzled his nose right under my ear and I could feel his breath on my neck. "I know." He said between kisses. One arm was wrapped around my back and holding me tight. The other hand was on my leg slowly caressing my shin...knee...thigh.
"Jake, you gotta go!" I said more forceful.
"I know, but I don't want to."
I knew it was kind of dirty to say this, but I had to stop what was starting because I was too close to give in and have him come inside with me. "Jake, I don't want you to stop either, but my Mom is about to call and I really need to be inside when she does." I knew any mention of a parental figure would stop any make-out session.
He must have been reading my mind because as his hand inched up my bare thigh, he said, "I could come inside with you and your Mom would never know."
"But I would Jake, and I am not ready for where this is heading... Trust me, I don't want to stop, but I have to!" I whispered as I quickly stood up and ran into the house. Over my shoulder as I got to the door I turned and said, "Call me when you get home. I love you."
"I love you too." Is all I heard before I closed the door and slid down it to collapse on the floor leaning against the door. I must have sat there for a few minutes and my cell phone ringing jarred me back to the present. It was Mom calling to make sure I was inside and heading to bed.
I quickly got ready for bed and slid under the covers just as the phone rang.
"Hello." I said. "Did you enjoy talking with that HOT girl?"
"I am enjoying talking to her right now." Then he added, "I just wanted to call you and tell you goodnight. I don't want you staying awake too late, you have swim practice in the morning."
"I am not tired yet. We can talk, if you want to." I told him. I didn't want to let go of him for the night. Even when he was not there physically, his voice was medicine to my soul.
"I want to ask you something, but I don't want you getting upset." He confided.
"Go ahead."
"Are you sure you want to go and see John on Saturday?"
"Yes, I need to face him. But, I understand if you don't want to go with me."
"I am not letting you do this alone. And I need to see him too." Then he added. "I am OK with seeing him, I won't kill him or anything. I have forgiven him. But, I do want him to see that I am there with you...And that we are together. I want to thank him for bringing us together."
I didn't know what to say. On the one hand I wanted Jake there with me. Helping me through this. Supporting me. But, on the other hand, I didn't think it would be good for John to see us together as a couple. I don't know, maybe it would because then he would see a closed book. He would not have any ties to me. And I knew Jake had forgiven John, but...was he doing this for the right reason? Would he throw the fact that we were dating and that John brought us together the night of the attack in John's face?
"Grace, are you OK?"
"Yeah, just tired I guess."
"Well, I better let you go to sleep, you have practice early in the morning. Sweet dreams Sleeping Beauty. I love you."
"I love you too Prince Charming." I said as I hung up the phone.
Jake's eJournal
Grace has given me so much... her friendship, her love and today I came to realize something I never thought I would... That God was not to blame for bad things that happen... Granny dying of cancer, Mom leaving, Grace's attack. In all of those things, she helped me see the good that came out of the bad. She even helped me pray and ask for forgiveness. The thing I did not expect was after I prayed, I did feel better about forgiving John. Don't get me wrong...a part of me still does not want to forgive him, but now I feel like I can. Besides, Grace has forgiven him and wants me to and I don't know if she knows it yet, but I would do anything for her!
Then I found out, she never sleeps! She has swim practice when normal people are still sleeping! She even rides her bike to practice in the dark. She doesn't complain, she just does what she has to do. I will do what I can to help her and support her with her dreams, ambitions and anything she desires!
She amazes me more and more every day. When I first saw her she was beaten and bruised. Yes, she was trying to fight back, but she still seemed weak and small next to John's attack. But, now that I know her, she is one of the strongest people I know. I am blessed to know her and even more blessed to love her and know that somehow she fell in love with me!!