- Shawn's View -
Song of the Chapter: Lost Without U - Robin Thicke
"I'm lost without you / Can't help myself. / How does it feel...?"
- s-
The bell shop rings as I walk into the flower shop, a baseball cap on my head as I hope that maybe I won't be recognized. No one is in the shop and I walk up to the register and find a bell. Ring For Service is written on a piece of paper taped next to the bell. I ring it twice and after a tiny moment, someone comes out from the back.
"Hi!" She says. "Are you the one I spoke to on the phone?"
"Yeah, hi." I reply. "So I'm looking for a whole bunch of flowers for someone. And I mean an absolute lot."
"How much is a lot?" She replies. I look at her name tag and see her name is Terra.
"Terra, I want to cover a whole office with flowers. Can we do that?"
"We absolutely can!"
"Great, thank you. I'm looking for white roses, an absolute bunch of them."
"Alright. Are you still looking for flowers that say you're sorry?"
I nod my head. "Oh, yes."
She chuckles before showing me all these flowers and she helps me pick which ones I want before I see a familiar flower. Jasmine wore it in her hair for the wedding four years ago and I had been looking for that flower like crazy.
"What flower is that?" I ask.
"That's An Arabian Jasmine flower." Terra replies.
"I want those thrown in with the bouquets, please." I walk up to it and smell it. It reminds me so much of her and I feel so lost without her. "Do you have cards? For the flowers?"
"To write your message? Yes, we have several sizes." Terra says to me.
"What's the biggest size?"
She excuses herself and disappears into the back as I continue to look at the flower. The same exact flower was in her hair and I slowly and gently touch it with two fingers.
"Okay, so this is our biggest size. It's half a hallmark card, and it gives enough space to write lengthy messages." She tells me as she hands me the card. "Would you like a pen?"
"Yes, please." I nod. She reaches into her work apron and takes out a ballpoint pen and hands it to me. "Thanks." I take the card and the pen as I walk over to this writing station, pull up a stool, and begin to write after I sit down.
"How many bouquets are you looking to send?"
"Nineteen." I tell her.
I begin to write out my apology.
'You were nineteen when I fell in love with you. And you were nineteen when I broke your heart. No words can truly begin to express how sorry I am, and how much I truly hate myself for doing what I did to you. Jasmine Elle Callaghan, from the bottom of my heart I am terribly sorry for the way I acted and for what I did and the things I said to you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I am extremely sorry.
'Do you remember when we first collected seashells? You were so lost in the moment that you didn't even realize that you let a whole five minutes go by of not saying a single word to me because you were so caught up in the water collecting sea shells. Had you looked up at me, maybe we would have a new moment. You would have asked me what I was staring at and I would have said nothing and then you would have asked me again and I'd finally tell you. I was really thinking I was so incredibly lucky to have you. I looked at you and I just knew that I wanted to protect you from everything and everyone.
'I'm sorry that I just couldn't protect you from me.'
I sit up and watch the ink dry on the last period and then see Terra left me an envelope. I place the card inside the envelope and lick it shut, turn it over, and write out quotations before spelling the name Robin. Hopefully she would remember.
"Oh, wow, you work fast." I say as I take note of five bouquets that have already been made.
"You look like you're in quite the hurry to start your apology." She tells me. "I try to work as fast as I can."
"Thank you." I say. For the next half hour, Terra and I work on bouquets and which flowers should go with which ones. Once everything is done, I pay with card and then place the envelope in my pocket as I give her the address of where the flowers were to be going. I make a quick phone call to Eric, hoping that he'll distract Jasmine in time to be able to give me enough time to go into the building without her noticing. Once I have his help, I get into a taxi with one separate bouquet that I created on my own.
"Nice flowers you got there," the taxi driver comments as he begins the drive to Jasmine's office. "You apologizing to a girlfriend?"
"No," I shake my head. "I'm apologizing to an ex."
"Oof, good luck with that, buddy."
"It's crazy, I know. But sometimes you have to do crazy things for people."
"Let's just hope they don't find you crazy."
"Fingers crossed." I nervously laugh.
Then I think about it. I'm going in with nineteen bouquets, twenty if you count the ones in my hand, and I'm apologizing to her with an office full of flowers.
"I'm not crazy, am I?" I ask the driver.
"No. You're in love, kid." He says.
"I'm not." I correct him. "I'm just apologizing."
"One bouquet is fine. But even then with an ex, eh, I'd say you're on thin ice."
"I don't think I like you."
"The truth can hurt, pal. Don't hate me, hate yourself for having to apologize."
"Why is it that every time I enter a cab, you drivers have to give me some sort of life advice?"
"I'm a cab driver; I've heard almost every single story back there. You just know the right things to say sometimes." He says.
"Is apologizing to an ex crazy?" I ask him.
"No. There's never nothing crazy about righting your wrongs." He tells me.
I look at it from his perspective as simply that - I'm righting my wrong. I'm doing exactly what Charlie said for me to do; once I know what I want is when I should make an attempt to talk to Jasmine once again. So by me righting my wrong, I know what I'm doing and what I want.
Right?
Of course you're right, Shawn! Don't doubt yourself!
In fifteen minutes, I'm just down the block from the office and the florist company truck is behind me and I begin to feel nervous. My phone buzzes and it's a text from Eric, warning me that they'll arrive back at the office in ten minutes. Those minutes should give me enough time as the driver now slowly stops in front of the office. I pay the fare and tip him before exiting out the car.
"Good luck in there!" He tells me.
"Thank you." I reply.
I take the bouquet with me and watch as Terra and two of her workers double park the car and begin to unload the flowers, each of them carrying two at a time. After three minutes of unloading, it's just me in the office surrounded by the flowers.
The room smells like a garden and although one would normally be calm with this scent, it makes me nervous. I take the card from my back pocket and place it on her desk as I hold the specially made bouquet in my hand as I wonder how to wait for her. Should I pose? Do I sit in her chair? Or sit on her desk? Should I stand in the middle of the room? What do I do?
"Oh, shit!" I say lowly to myself as I hear Jasmine's laughter from outside the door. I quickly hide besides the door so that way when it opens, I'd be behind it.
"Mm sure, Eric." Jasmine says on the other side of the door. The door opens and I'm hidden behind it as Jasmine slowly walks into the room.
"Oh...my...god..." She says to herself.
"If the person who left these are still in here, I'll give you two a minute." Eric says as he leaves.
I hear Jasmine laugh as she places her hand on the knob, "Jeremy you're..."
She closes the door and as she sees me she stops in her sentence and she lets go, but the door is already closed.
"Don't talk." I begin. "Don't think. Just listen. Please."
I hold the bouquet out to Jasmine as she doesn't even look at the flowers, her gaze isn't even on me, but on the wall behind me.
"Jasmine, I am so terribly sorry." I begin. "I am so sorry, those are the only words that I can think of but I just want you to know that I'm so incredibly sorry for those nights. I'm really sorry."
I walk over to her desk and grab the card and then run back to her. She still stares at the wall and I can sense her uncomfortableness with my being in the room. There's no expression on her face or in her eyes. Jasmine simply just stares at the wall.
"I'm really sorry." I say as I stand in front of her. "I'm sorry. For everything. Jasmine from the bottom of my heart I'm so incredibly sorry."
She turns to walk away but I stop her. "Please, just listen. You can throw out the flowers once I leave, I don't care. I just want you to know that I'm really terribly sorry for what I did to you. I'm so sorry for the pain that I have inflicted upon you, intentionally and unintentionally. I just need you to know how sorry I am, especially for the other night. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."
"Stop." Jasmine says. She shakes her head and closes her eyes. "Stop saying that word."
"Oh...sorry." I say.
"Are you really sorry? Or is it just something that you want to get off your chest?" Jasmine turns to look at me. "Because you have always had a way with words and how do I know if this is genuine or not? How do I know you're not just doing this because you can't live with a guilty conscience?"
"It's not like that, please try to understand. Jasmine I am here to truly apologize for being a dick and for being an asshole and for hurting you."
"Sure."
"I told Nora." I say. "About us. The abortion. I'm sorry if I wasn't supposed to tell people..."
"No, it's okay. I told Jeremy." She says.
"You did?"
"Mm hm. And you know what, he did something that I expected from someone. He understood."
"Oh."
"And he actually apologized to me. I don't know why, but he said that he's sorry that I had to go through what I went through."
"So he knows about..?"
"You putting your hands on me? No. He just knows that when I told you, it wasn't good."
"Jasmine, from the bottom of my heart..."
"You're sorry. I heard you the first thousand times." She tells me.
"I'll leave the house. If that's what you want Nora and I will pack up and go." I offer. "Chicago is your territory and I'm sorry that I barged in here with her. You don't have to move out. I don't want to be kicking you out of your own home."
"You staying would very much be better," she says to me and it hurts. "It would be doing me a favor in not having to return to someone who hates me and someone who threw me under the bus to rekindle a relationship."
"Jasmine...you need to know that I didn't know Paige felt that way about the abortion." I begin.
"It's fine." She says. "You would have known had you let me explain and not, ya know, convict me of murder."
"I'm really sorry about that."
"Yeah, yeah, you're sorry." She says with a sad laugh. "That's the thing about you, Shawn. You're always sorry in the wrong moments and you never want to let anything or anyone go. I mean, you show up four years later to apologize for a breakup, and now you're here a month later apologizing for hurting me. But for you I guess it's better late than never, right?" There's a knock on the door and Eric walks in. I place the card back in my pocket and look at him as he enters.
"Oh, hey." Eric says to me. "It's good to see you again!"
"Well," Jasmine says as she turns to me, "you're welcome for the article, but you really didn't need to send me a whole office full of flowers."
"That's very nice," he says to me. "Want me to give you two a minute?"
"Nope," Jasmine shakes her head, "he was just leaving." She turns to me and points at the flowers in my hand. "You know, I already have enough flowers, you should give those to your fiancee. I'm sure they would look lovely in your guys' townhouse."
Jasmine walks out of her office as she gives me a smile and before I even think about going after her, Eric blocks the doorway. He lowers his voice as he speaks to me.
"The night of the launch party, Jasmine confessed a drunken secret to me." Eric says. "Did you purposely request your ex-girlfriend to write an article about you in some attempt to win her back?"
"It's honestly not like that." I say. "And I truly don't mean to be rude, but I highly suggest you not speak up on something that has two sides to a story you don't want to get involved in. But thanks for your help."
With that, I walk past Eric, taking the flowers with me and giving them to a random worker as I head for the elevator. I step inside and look at myself in the mirror or the elevator doors. Suddenly, I begin to laugh. Being rejected by my ex-girlfriend is truly funny to me and I cannot stop laughing and I'm lucky that I'm the only person in the lift.
"I love making a fool of myself." I say to myself lowly as the doors open. As I walk out, I head to the main desk and walk up to a woman behind the desk.
"Hi, may I help you?" She politely asks me.
"Yes. Can you leave a message to a Jasmine Callaghan of Cosmo Magazine?" I ask her.
With a smile, she nods. "Certainly. What's the message?"
"Could you tell her that Ted Mosby is incredibly sorry for everything?" I smile and then walk out the lobby, and facing the defeat of rejection, walk home with just my thoughts and a baseball cap to hide my pride.