"I couldn't change what I did..."
here | jake
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Well this sucks...
Mads had taken Ella, gone shopping without me, and to top it all off today was group therapy.
When we sat in a circle and shared our problems with everyone like they actually cared. I mean we have our own problems, I don't know about them, but I don't have time to think about others.
Lies. My mind whispered.
You think about Ella. You want to fix her problems.
"Shut up!" I whispered out loud instead of in my head.
Damn it.
Damn you Mads for leaving
And damn you Ella for making me feel like this.
"What was that Jake? Did you want to contribute? It is your turn next to share your personal story we have given you time, but everyone else has."
Oh God I hate this. The sharing. I have been dreading it really. You just tell them what they want to here, what they need to comfort themselves that they are helping. Anything to make them feel better.
I'm kind of glad Ella isn't here to see this. To hear how fucked up I really am.
"I-ahhhh..." I started to mumble. I was never good at this.
"Why don't you start off with telling us why you are here?"
"Well... Ummm... I guess I'm here because I was dangerous."
"In what way?"
"Ummm... to others."
"And?"
"And to myself."
"And why was that?"
I hate how they were treating it like a private session, like this would be easy. Like I can't see the 20 kids around me judging.
"Because I didn't care. I just wanted it to end."
"What? What did you want to end Jake?"
"The pain. The emptiness. I wanted to feel again. So I did stuff, dangerous stuff. Fighting, smoking, racing."
"And did it work?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Because the pain never ends, I learned that now. It will always be there." I say more trying to convince myself then others. I knew it was a lie.
"And where has that gotten you Jake? That thought?"
"Here" I said standing up and storming out of the room.
I was done.
It was done.
Everything.
I couldn't change what I did.
And I wouldn't for everything in the world.
It let me be here, as much as I hated the place.
It let me meet her.
___
2 hours. 3 hours. 4 hours.
And I was still waiting.
Waiting for them to come back.
To help me escape my thoughts.
I started to shake. I looked at my wrists yanking my jacket down to cover them.
Stop.
You can do this.
She's coming back.
But for how long.
She's going to die you know.
You can't stop it.
Then you'll be alone.
Just like before.
Alone.
Unwanted.
No.
I can do this.
I pushed the thoughts back, getting up from where I was hibernating with books.
After all, I promised the girls payback.
And like hell I was going to get it.
In that instant I walked out my room, grin on my face, without a care in the world.
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FIRST WEEK OF SENIOR HIGH DONE! And I'm so tired and completely over it already. I honestly hate school, I basically breakdown about it everyday but what can you do?
Bit of a shorter chapter but more of a glimpse into Jake.
What demons haunt his past? What has he done? OOHHHHHHH Secrets!!!!
I'll see y'all next time. I hope you enjoyed it and more updates are coming very soon. (Like a day or two soon cause it's the flipping weekend).
WOWOWOWOW that's a lot of writing sorry and BYA!!! *Waves ecstatically while grinning like an idiot*