Noah was surprised.
The therapy session was going, to his surprise, actually well. Not that he would be rushing to come back every week, but he found it marginally more tolerable than he had presumed he would.
The room was filled with natural light from the large window overlooking the room, reducing the sense of claustrophobia Noah feared he would face. He sat in an armchair across from the psychiatrist, not in one of those couch beds from TV he assumed he would be placed in.
Doctor Fuller was nice, and made Noah feel as though he was simply engaging in conversation with and older friend by sharing some minor details of his life too. He insisted Noah call him by his first name, Seth.
The walls were painted in a pale gray shade, with books upon books filling the dark mahogany shelves that lined the walls of the room. A desk stood to one side of the room and the armchairs were in the center. The fire was lit in the grate, it's glowing embers providing a comforting warm air.
"Why do you think you're feeling like this?" Seth asked, cocking his head to the side.
"Because I can't remember the accident. I know that's what it is, it's just so infuriating. And I feel like Cas and my parents are keeping so much from me." Noah said. He had realized that honesty was the best route to go down if he ever wanted to figure things out.
"What happens when you try to remember?"
"What do you mean?" Asked Noah, confused.
"Is there anything there? Or is it completely wiped from your memory?"
"I wouldn't say wiped.." Noah said, trying to think. "I guess, the memories are there. Just buried. They won't tell me about it, but they think I will remember eventually."
"They?" Seth asked.
"My parents. The doctors. Cas." Noah said with a shrug, thumbing the pocket of his jeans just to have something to do with his hands.
"Tell me about Cas," Seth asked interestedly.
Noah thought about the question for a minute. Anyone who knew Cas knew that simply describing him quickly was not an easy feat. Casimir was a many dimensional boy, too many brilliant traits to list simply. "Cas.. Casimir. He's my best friend." Noah said, feeling his face burn.
He hoped Seth wouldn't pick up on his blush, but alas, luck seemed not to be in his favour.
"Just your best friend?" Seth asked with a small smile.
"Yeah-.. yeah." Noah replied, and he knew straight away that his voice sounded off. God dammit, so much for playing cool.
"Is that all you want him to be?" Seth asked softly, his voice measured. He wasn't being too forward, not wanting to make Noah feel pressured to answer.
Noah stayed silent for a minute, debating whether or not to answer. Gnawing the inside of his cheek, he fidgeted with his hands that rested in his lap.
"You don't have to answer if you don't want to, Noah." Seth began to speak, but Noah cut him off before he could continue.
"I do. Want him to be more, I mean." Noah said, suddenly very interested in the burgundy carpet his feet had sunk in to.
He figured he might as well admit it. Even if he hadn't answered the question verbally, his silence was more than enough confirmation. Besides, it wasn't like Doctor Fuller was going to tell anyone.
Also, it felt good to have somebody else know. Now that Noah's parents and Cas knew, he didn't really care anymore about who found out he was gay. It wasn't something he particularly struggled with, at least he hadn't since he was fifteen years old or so.
"You want to date him?" Seth asked, carefully wording his question as not to overstep.
Noah almost laughed out loud at the question. There were a lot of things he'd like to do with Casimir, dating being one of the more.. innocent of the lot.
"Yeah." He answered nonchalantly, and Seth nodded his head understandingly.
"Do you guys hang out a lot?"
"Most days," Noah answered with a shrug.
"More or less than before the accident?" Seth asked, writing in his clipboard as he spoke.
"About the same." Noah answered after a moment of deliberation. "I guess it's just more full on, because I haven't really seen any of my other friends since I've been home."
"You haven't?" Asked Seth, surprised evident in his tone. "Any idea why that might be?"
"I'm not sure." Shrugged Noah, biting his lip as he pondered the question. "I guess.. I guess now that they're all going to be going off to uni in a few months, and we've just grown apart. I don't see much pointing rekindling friendships that will be ended again soon enough." He answered honestly.
"You're not planning to go away to university in the fall?" Seth asked, picking up on Noah's use of non inclusive pronoun.
"Repeating senior year." Noah said, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. It was his parents decision, and Noah could begrudgingly admit he understood where they were coming from. But even though he knew it was for the best, the idea still didn't particularly appeal to him.
Not that he exactly had a choice in the matter. I mean, he had missed six months of school.. what else could he do?
"You don't sound too happy about that." Seth observed, continuing to write in his notebook as he spoke.
"Eh. It is what it is I suppose." Noah replied with a shrug, running his hands along the smooth surface of the armchair as he spoke.
"What about Cas, he got any plans for the future?"
Noah realised then that he actually never asked Cas what he planned to do now that he was finished with school.
Sure, he knew that for years Cas wanted to study some weird sciences sorta thing. Biochemical something or other. It may as well be another language to Noah, chemistry.
"He used to go on about biochemical engineering." Noah said, remembering the long nights him and Cas used to spend. Lying on one of their beds, staring up at the ceiling as they shared whispered dreams and secrets.
Those were the days that Noah would go home with a big grin on his face.
"And you? Any idea what sort of route you'd be interested in going down after high school?" Seth asked, crossing his legs and leaning back in his chair.
"What are you, a guidance counselor?" Noah joked, earning him a small smile from Seth. "I mean, I guess I haven't really decided. Maybe something to do with History or English." Noah shrugged, he hadn't made up his mind yet. Not that it particularly mattered, he had a year yet to make those decisions.
"Those your favorite subjects?" Seth guessed correctly.
"Yeah." Noah said, nodding his head in agreement.
"That's good. Knowing what you're interested in can make the decision a hell of a lot easier."
"I guess. Can we talk about something else?" Noah asked, bored of the school talk. He had come here to get answers about the accident, and chit chatting about his favourite school subjects would sure as hell not give him any.
"What do you want to talk about?"
"I want you to help me remember what happened the day of the accident." Noah admitted.
A silence filled the room, and for a brief moment Noah regretted being so blunt.
"I'm not sure if I'll be able to do that, Noah." Seth replied, apologetic honesty coating his words.
"But you'll try?" Noah persisted hopefully.
His cards were on the table now anyway, may as well try to get it to work in his favor.
"I can try, but I can't make any promises." Seth said after a moment of deliberation.
"I understand." Noah replied, nodding eagerly.
"Why don't we start with the Why. Why do you think you can't remember it?" Seth asked, eyes boring into Noah.
"I guess.. I guess because my mind doesn't want me to." Noah answered after considering the question for a minute.
"You think something very bad happened?" Seth questioned, adjusting his position and sitting instead with his legs crossed.
"Yeah." Noah replied instantly, confident in his answer. "There has to have been something, why else would my parents and Cas and everyone be keeping something from me?"
"You don't think they want you to know what happened?" Seth asked, cocking his head to the side curiously.
"No, that's not it. I think they want me to remember for myself." Noah said.
"Any idea why?"
Noah hesitated for a minute. The answer was on the tip of his tongue. He bit his lip for a minute, trying to think of the right way to phrase his answer.
"I think.." he began, voice faltering slightly. "I think they're afraid to tell me." He admitted eventually, finally looking up to meet Doctor Fuller's eyes.
"Afraid why?"
"Afraid it'll hurt me. Or that I'll hurt them, or myself."
"Hurt them how?"
"I presume my parents told you why they decided to send me to a psychiatrist?" Noah answered wryly.
"You're referring to your breakdown last week?" Seth guessed correctly, jotting down something in his book.
"Yeah." Noah said, face heating up with embarrassment at the memory.
"Tell me about that." Seth said, observing Noah carefully.
"Not much to tell, I guess. I think maybe all the emotions or whatever built up and I just.. I don't know. Lost control?"
Noah stared sheepishly at the ground as he spoke. He knew this office wasn't a place of judgement, and that Doctor Fuller was here to help him, not pass opinions. But Noah couldn't help feeling like, for want of a better word, a freak. He felt like an unstable child, tethering on the wall between normalcy and abnormality.
"Did you feel in control? Like you had the upper hand, in that moment?"
"No," Noah shook his head. "Not at all. I don't think I even realized what I was doing, to be honest. I'm not trying to make excuses or anything, I just genuinely don't think I was in my right frame of mind. It was more of an out of body experience. To be honest, I don't even remember all of it."
"Does that happen a lot?"
"The breakdowns?"
"No, the not remembering part."
Noah considered the question for a moment before answering. "Occasionally, I guess. I don't really have breakdowns that much." He shrugged.
"Not just breakdowns, the episodes you have. That's what the doctors call them, right?"
"Episodes? Yeah. It's just like bouts of sickness and stuff, usually passes after a couple of days." Noah said nonchalantly.
"And what about then? Do you experience memory loss then?"
"To a certain extent. Depends on what sort of episode it is." Noah answering truthfully, sitting up straighter in his seat once he realized how much he had slouched down.
"There's different kinds?"
"Yeah, I guess you could say that. Sometimes I'm throwing up, sometimes it's the migraines. Blackouts, all that stuff. Sometimes it's all three, it really varies."
Seth studied him carefully for a moment, before speaking again.
"Ever have moments of clarity?" He asked.
"Moments of clarity?"
"Times when you remember something about the accident? A sound, a movement? An emotion?"
"Yeah, actually." Noah said, furrowing his brows.
"And what happens then?"
"I black out, most of the time." Noah said, biting the skin around his thumbnail.
"So we can pretty much establish that the blackouts are linked to the selective amnesia." Seth concluded, writing something down in his book.
Noah itched to see the notes.
"Here's an idea. The next time you're having an episode and you have a moment of clarity, keep a pen and paper nearby, and write down what you remember."
Noah blinked. That was a surprisingly good idea. Suddenly, the chances of remembering the accident seemed a lot more likely.