I keep calm and give Tristan an answer when I realize he waits for one. "I will always fulfill my duties."
"Yes, you do." He nods once more, still observing me but then his look roams over the empty table. "Well, we now have an empty spot in the council and need to find a replacement for Warlow as fast as we can; especially because of the circumstances." His look wanders back to me, searching for clear eye contact. "I suggested you take over his position in the council."
I am not able to keep the calmness as my jaw drops.
"What? Me?" My eyes widen searching for the joke on Tristan's face. When he stays serious, my mind eventually starts working again.
"He was a diplomat! A diplomat, who was responsible for the beasts," I try to make my point but this maybe does not count as a real argument.
Tristan seems slightly amused when I mention the beasts. "Ambassador for ethical affairs, Ethan," he starts to correct me. Ethical affairs! Me! Something in my head screams that this maybe is the moment where I should start laughing and leave the room, but before I could plot out my escape plan, he keeps on talking.
"Yes, I nominated you," he nods but then shrugs, "Among all those vampires out there; it is you I trust the most. Under normal circumstances, they would never even consider you joining them, Ethan. They know you, and they know what you did and how you are, but all of a sudden after this assault to one of their own members they can't think of someone better for bringing back order."
He slightly smirks. "There is a possibility that I have mentioned that it is not too farfetched, that the beasts or one of the renegades there are involved in this case."
"I don't care what they think, Tristan. It is never a good idea to bring people together against a shared enemy out of fear. In this case especially because it is the only enemy they know," I tell him while leaving the etiquette aside and ignore that he obviously told half-truths in the meeting.
Then again, I told him not to tell the council about my findings on the bodies. I wonder what information Erwin shared with them. Maybe I should find that out soon.
"I told them that I will ask you. I want you on that post, Ethan, but if you feel like this is a burden you can't bare and the duties and challenges that come with it are too hard..."
There it was. He pushed my buttons.
Blankly staring at Tristan, I straighten out of pride, but still cannot wrap my head around the fact that he wants me to join in politics. I am good at what I do; am I not? I found a spot in this damned world that accepts me, why is he doing that? I frown while still thinking.
"I won't be able to personally protect you anymore ... at least not the way I do now; and the guards. I know that the plan was that Eve should be able to take over whenever necessary, but she is not ready for that Tristan." I give him food for his thoughts. In my mind, I also add that I am not ready for this, but of course, I would never tell Tristan.
"I want you on this seat, Ethan," he repeats, "It's the first and maybe last opportunity to get you into the council. In addition, I think - apart from everything else - that you are the man for this matter. If it really had something to do with the beasts: you will sort this out and bring everything back to order. Discreet, but thoroughly," he masterfully talks around my mentioned worries and moves straight to putting some more pressure on me.
How would I ever be able to say no to a guy I owe my life and also the position I have now? Without Tristan, I most probably would be in the middle of Europe now. Waiting for the next war, I can be part of; or dead. When I think about it - most probably I would be dead.
I sigh deeply and pinch the bridge of my nose, closing my eyes for a moment. Burdens, which are too heavy for me? Challenges and duties, which are too hard, hm?
I chuckle slightly when I open my eyes again, seeing Tristan softly smiling at me. He knows exactly what he does to me, and yet, here we are and I will give in.
"Thoroughly, indeed; discreet only if you order so." I return a crooked smile. I really miss the times where just statements were needed. I mean some statements that I can execute with a weapon and not just with my sheer presence. I have no clue about politics but even I know what it means
when you send a warrior with my background on a diplomatic mission.
"Does that mean we have a deal?" Tristan asks.
I really cannot believe that I say this. "Yes, we do." We both reach out our hands to shake them and I can clearly see a victorious grin on Tristan's face. I need to trust him that he knows what he does.
While getting up in a fluent movement I take my place next to Tristan. "I won't leave the headquarters and until it is official I will still be your personal guard. Anything else I need to know, now that you got me into this?" I try to get back to any kind of routine I have.
Tristan's face softens. "I always told you everything. There should be no secrets between us," he says while heading outside to leave the meeting room. He knows that I will follow. I nod but seem to wear my worries on my face as Tristan starts to silently comfort me.
"You will do fine, Ethan. It will take a bit to arrange everything and until then you will be able to retell all the names and appropriate positions of the council members." I take a confused side look when we start to head up the stairs into his little apartment on the top floor.
Retell their positions? Who cares about the names, I know who is doing what. I sigh.
"It was a long night for you. Is there anything I can do to lift your spirits before you will get some earned rest?" I try to gather a bit more time before I really have to deeply think about what this all means for me and my daily work; and of course also for the relationship, I've developed with Tristan. I am on his side now for over two hundred years; one could say I got used to all of that.
"I don't know; aren't you tired, yet? Maybe you should go to bed. It was a long night for all of us," he answers with a serious expression.
That is exactly what I expected. "We have a whole eternity to sleep. I remember some weeks were we barely slept at all. But then again, our biggest worries were some peasants with hayforks and some torches." I smile at him and he chuckles.
That is how it is supposed to be between us. "Do you remember when we got trapped in that little cave for a whole day, shifting around ourselves to not get burned through the little holes in the ceiling?" I have to grin. It was ridiculous but we took it like men and now that it is so long ago, I cannot help but think it was fun, compared to the life and room we have now.
"You and me, we got a little older, my friend," he looks back at me before quietly asking, "You'll stay a bit longer with me?"
"I will stay as long as you want me to stay," I answer the question first but then keep on talking. "I don't feel old, do you?"
"Sometimes I do," he confesses, "And sometimes I wish those old times back when we still would fight with nothing but swords." I look at him surprised first but then chuckle as we are about to reach his door.
"You've always chosen the fight with the tongue instead when it was possible and now you want to have it back? Oh my... when did you really have a hard training the last time?" I clearly challenge him.
He chuckles again when he opens the door and leads me in. I have to frown for a moment when I realize that his door was not locked. He should know better!
"We needed to go with the times, Ethan. However, that does not mean I don't miss the past every now and then. I guess my skills are a bit rusty," his sentence fades out.
"I know..." I roll with my eyes to underline my true thinking. "There is a reason why you are the Lord – and it's not your size – well, maybe the mental one. I stick to what I can." While speaking it aloud I realize that this is not true anymore.
"I stuck to, until now," to overplay my self-consciousness I add, "Did you know that they still call me 'butcher'? I think I got so much tidier," but I stop myself. I straighten out when I come to stand in the room and remind myself that Tristan is not only my friend but my Lord. I need to stop chitchatting like a church-bell.
"Oh, don't pretend to be humbler than you are! If people give you names, the best you can do is to make them yours," Tristan tells me while closing the doors behind us and heading over to his work desk where he searched for something a few moments and put it on the desk pointing at it.
"Here is the list of council members, I also wrote down the right position names and what their duties are in an overview." He grins at me. I arch an eyebrow.
"You should know that already, Ethan," he slightly scolds me, "But at some point, I figured it is useful and I was right. You just need to replace Warlow's name with yours."
I sigh once more.
"Yes, Sir," I say and he smirks at my reaction before walking around the desk and sitting down in one of the posh chairs which are standing quite close to each other in one corner.
Tristan got his own apartment to make sure he can do his work in a quiet environment and have a place where he can flee from all the troubles and vampires who want to get his attention for their own matters. He waves to me to sit down next to him and I can see him slightly relax when I do as he wished.
Tristan sighs and murmurs, "What a night." He rubs his face. I am also relieved that we are in a closed room without any possible listeners now. When I see that he starts getting lost in worries again, I keep on silently talking, getting back to the conversation from before.
"I seem to have a lot of names – so do you by the way."
"I don't care what they call me, as long as they respect me when it's needed," he murmurs his answer.
"Did you have something to drink besides that one glass I brought you tonight?" I ask him with a bit of a worry for him. It is not that we would die if we refuse to drink or do not get blood daily, but it is our source of power. The hungrier we get and the less we drink, the more likely we tend to do stupid things first and at some point, we start drying out; literally.
It is a very painful process and the best way I can think of to make a vampire spill some secrets. Combined with a stake in the heart it is pure torture. This little thing paralyzes us because it seems to stop the blood within our body, so I'm told by Erwin. Despite the fact that I used it several times already, I have to gulp hard when I think about it. I shoo away some upcoming memories of the past.
Tristan slowly shakes his head. "No. Still, that look of Warlow killed my appetite for today. I can't even think about drinking now." He looks up to me. "But if you are hungry, you should find something to ease it," he says politely.
"I can wait; I have something ordered to my room today, whenever I'll return." I smile at him and risk direct eye contact. "They all respect you, if not you can feed the butcher." I try to suppress a bitter chuckle.
Tristan does not hide his chuckles though. "That sounds like a good plan, Ethan."
I touch my black tie to start loosening it a bit but wait for permission from Tristan. "Do you mind?"
For a moment, he watches me and I am not sure if I once again today crossed a line, but then he shakes his head. "Oh no, please make yourself comfortable." He smiles at me inscrutably.
I finally loosen my tie and open the first button of my shirt. I maybe never had the sense of politics, but I managed to go with the times with my wardrobe and appearance very well. Even though people tend not to speak to me, I know for sure that some of the vampires trust me with that. Maybe it is also just because I stand next to Tristan so often. How to tell him, that this one murder is not so much different from what we already had before?
Tristan sighs and stretches out his legs. Leaning back and bending his head into his neck he looks at the ceiling. After a few moments of silence, he starts to finally tell me what bothers him.
"The last incident where one of us was attacked by the beasts is so long ago that it almost feels unreal. Since we eliminated their old leader and Lyall took over, we had peace. You will need to meet him first thing in your new position."
"I never really got to know him. Actually, I somehow avoided him. When we started cleaning their tribes, I killed so many of them... I thought it is better that way. How is he?"
Exactly; I killed them, and hunted down the loyalists to the old leader. Back then there were no rules or orders to avoid being cruel to them. They rebelled and figured that the vampires from the city are the ones who should get extinct as we feed on humans. They do not.
After the Great Battle of the Clans, they saw us weakened and tried their luck, but did not take into consideration that Tristan had already started his negotiations with Lyall as their future leader. The old leader was an Idealist who tried to cure the world in his own way.
They now live in the forest outside of London, which was meant to be a punishment, but as far as I heard they like it there. We haven't banished someone into that life for decades. This is what we get out of leaving them alone. We bring them our criminals, who are not sentenced to death. There are no resources to keep captives here for longer.
"The last time we met he still looked mostly human, but you already could see the animal work its way to the outside. Yet, he seemed to be a very intelligent man," Tristan shrugs, "Maybe too intelligent and that's why he chose the path of the wilderness. He could not accept his fate. Anyway, I cannot say he was a displeasing fellow. We got
along quite well." He repeats what I saw myself back then already, but what did I think he would tell me?
"Do you think he tries to stay human by making exceptions here and there?" I say jokingly. "I still can't imagine why someone would not want to stay the way we are. Under your ruling, they could not find a single real reason for being wild. However, little do I know, and little should I judge, right? I hope I can get along with them... and do not disappoint you."
Tristan's look wanders from the ceiling to my face, while I still sit there with both hands on the armrests and my left foot on my right knee.
"Maybe you shouldn't, but they have their reasons, Ethan. They nourish from animals so they do not have to kill humans. They feel sorry for them and consider it their duty to rather become an animal themselves instead of killing or even harming humans just to retain their human shell." He reminds me calmly but I just try to ignore the ever coming lectures on this topic. He smiles at me and reaches over to softly grab my wrist. "You will do fine, Ethan. I trust you."
I look at his hand on mine first, then into his face and back to our hands. He grounds me so much. With an overwhelming feeling that this is what I need, I turn my hand around to take his into mine and hold it gently. "You know what mental pressure means, right?" I say silently and seeing Tristan being obviously surprised.
I am such an idiot. "When Warlow was able to please you, I won't be less worthy than him." I try to convince myself more than Tristan, I guess. He starts to caress my fingers,
watching me closely while I keep watching at our hands. I need to stop this.
"As I said, if you can't do it, nobody can. You are the one I trust the most, so this is your task," Tristan repeats.
I am stupid. This is not the right time to show weakness, just because I will need to start over again to fit in. I cannot let that happen to me and to him. I need to protect him, from the new threat, from the internal issues that will come up and from... me. I am not good for people around me, that never ended well and I will not let that happen to him.
I take back my hand while still feeling ashamed of my own weak moment. "Yes, my Lord," I answer far colder. Tristan does not seem to mind, as he makes no resistance to free my hand.
While I still worry about my behavior and the new tasks that new position will hold for me I can hear Tristan calmly asking, "Did I go too far?"
A confused look is my sophisticated answer to that. Perfect. Why does he ask something like that? I guess he gets my confusion because he still smiles at me and I realize he is still watching me carefully.
"After all these years I still don't know for sure, which place I take in your life, Ethan," he finally murmurs and his eyes break away from my face and releasing me from that look of his.
Is that the point where he starts questioning me? Me and my sanity? I really do not want to lose his trust. Not now.
I cannot lose that now, no matter if it makes me weak.
"Is that so hard to see?" I try to catch his look again by leaning forward and placing both of my elbows on my knees. "Am I that cold, Tristan?" This finally got his attention and he looks at me again.
"You are sometimes hard to get, Ethan. Even for me. Or maybe especially for me," he keeps on silently murmuring. I need to be careful, but I cannot lie this time. He would know that I am not honest.
"You are my center," I simply point out. There is no certain emotion in my words, but what do you expect from a guy who mostly grew up in the gutter? I lost my soul to the devil the moment I was born. I cannot blame Tristan for not knowing this because I never told him.
He smiles again and I do not know what it is but it is not exactly a glow but more of a little sparkle in his blue eyes. "Your center?" he repeats my statement as a question. He seems to want to know it in detail today. It seems like, that he needs assurance of my loyalty and integrity.
"I never thought it is necessary to really say that loud," I confess and can feel my green eyes starting to slightly glow. Jesus, why are my eyes like a radar for every kind of feeling I have! Mostly I can hide my true feelings by just playing angry but this is pure embarrassment and he will know it.
"Yes, my center. You never asked before. I figured you know. There is little else I really care about." I finally manage to get my message across. At least I hope so. Tristan smiles lightly before getting up from his seat and walking towards the windows that are hanged with heavy curtains, so the rising sun does not get in. My eyes follow him curiously. Was that what he was asking for?
He shoves the curtains a little aside to risk a small look outside. "Sometimes even I'm not certain about things," he quietly says in my direction. After releasing the cloth again, he walks back to me. Instead of sitting down, he stands still in front of me and offers me his hand to obviously help me up. I guess he wants to tell me to leave so that he can go to bed.
Taking the offered hand he surprises me by not stepping back and causing us to stand pretty close to each other. I slightly tense up as I do not know what is coming next. Is this a test? Does he want to see if I can resist that look, he gives me?
I still cannot believe that he could have grown so tall while I am just about a head taller than Eve. As the moments go by and he keeps looking at me, I feel a bit hurt actually. What did he think he would get as an answer? All the years I was just there to watch over him.
"I never thought you'd doubt me," I say while proudly reaching my chin.
"I don't doubt you, Ethan. Sometimes I just got to make sure before I make mistakes," he murmurs with a soft smile. With a sudden turn, he pulls me even closer and put his hand on my back to caress it lightly with his thumb.
What is going on here?
I do not have any more time to think about it further. He leans forward to just teasingly touch my lips with his. I think I blanked out a few moments there. This day is really irritating. First Eve shows something like affection and now this. The murders seem to have thrown people out of their regular pathways.
Even I cannot think clearly. My heart beats so loud that I am sure Tristan can also hear it. A shiver is running down my spine. Just to make sure to show any kind of reaction I slowly move up my hand at Tristan's face. Maybe I also just want to test if that is really him.
Tristan grins at me, his face still close to mine. "You are heavily blushing, Ethan," he whispers into my ear while gently pulling me even closer in a very intimate hug. This does not help to get rid of the warm feeling in my cheeks. While carefully stroking along my back he lays down his chin on my shoulder and seems to enjoy my presence.
"It's alright," he says calming, most probably realizing how tensed up I am.
There is no way for me to be what he needs. I still do not understand what is going on here but move a hand up to stroke along Tristan's head and try to return the hug somehow. I am not sure what I am doing here counts as hugging back. All of this feels out of place.
"I'm not very useful for this kind of things, I'm afraid," I sadly whisper into Tristan's ear before placing a little kiss on it. That really should not happen.
Not now. Not tomorrow. Not anywhere in the future. I can feel him smile against my neck before he softly answers, "You don't need to be good at anything you know?"
Why does he say that? Did I fail him? I need to counter that, to disagree with him.
"But..." I start while losing my stand and can feel myself shivering. I do not really know what to do with myself. Tristan is holding me so tight that I don't need to stand alone anymore and I have no clue what it is but I can't do anything about it but return the hug and hoping he will not
let me fall right now.
"I guess sometimes even the great Ethan Vinge needs to let go a bit," he tells me quietly, while lightly kissing my neck. "You can do that here, you know?"
I have to grimace and finally find my voice again. "I'm everything but great, Tristan. However, I need to be strong. I want to be of use," I cannot help but silently add, "I'd rather die than failing." While I talk, Tristan does not loosen his grip on me. I turn my head away from him to avoid his look, but he keeps on placing soft kisses on my neck.
He irritates me.
"What would I mean to you, if I fail?" I say silently, still avoiding his look. Actually, I do not know why I keep on asking questions where I do not want to know the answer. I can feel my hands slightly shiver and I try to hide it by tensing up again. I wait for his answer.
I brace for the truth.
~~*~~
Even though this is a bit cheesy, this isn't a feelgood love story. Promised.
Thank you for reading and don't forget to vote! :)