I'm just like any typical girls in the world. The typical kind if girls who have depression. I don't like the way I look. I'm just a fat ugly girl who hides in her room and never goes out.
I used to cut and try overdosing in April of 2017 but stopped when I saw the disappointed look in people's faces. I tried to love myself more but then I find that I just hate myself more.
My friends were far from me because my family have move out of our hometown. So, it was almost impossible to meet them.
Everyday, I feel so lonely and sad that I try to fill the day up with my fangirling, dancing, homework, and sleeping. But that wasn't enough for me.
I needed someone to talk to, to hold my hand, to pat my head, to give me a hug, and say to me sincerely that everything will be alright.
2018 came and I was all alone. My friends have their own lives so I didn't want to bother them. My parents doesn't understand me and they're always busy.
No one was able to talk to me.
One night, I wanted to attend my best friend's performance but my dad wouldn't drop me off. It was freezing cold but I ran out anyway. Even when she is an hour away, I must meet her. I haven't seen her for so long and I just miss her.
My legs were freezing but I didn't care. I just need to do this to meet her. Soon, my dad called and said that he'll call the cops on me. Somehow, I had to turn back. Right then, the tears came out and I begin to cry out like a idiot.
It's been a while that I've cried. I have held everything in too long. I'm always so insecure and hesitating about my decisions. And I hate myself for that so much.
I kept crying nonstop.
In that moment, I needed a hug from someone and say to me that, I can make it through and that I am strong enough. But no one was here.
No one was here for the past 3 years.
So I cried some more. I begin to cry louder and let my sorrow out. A dog was barking at me and it made me felt worse. When I was about to reach home, I wipe my tears and tell myself that I'll make it through today.
As I lay in bed, I kept crying until I fell asleep. But then I woke up because my mom and brother gave me a lecture about running out. They called me a whore, stupid, a hoe, a bitch, and a mentalist. I woke up crying and miserable which I couldn't sleep after that.
I just want so much attention from someone and yearn for comfort. But that's too greedy of me and I hate it so much for me to think like this. How can someone want this much comfort?
If I just tell someone, it'll be too selfish of me for seeking attention so I just keep it to myself. I just can't express myself to people because it's not like anyone will care.
Probably no one here will care but I just want this to get out of my chest even though there's a million more I want to say.
I just wish everyone a happy life because I'm done with mine.
-Tao China
(a girl who's too insecure)