"Now?"
"No."
A pause. "Now?"
I shook my head. Another pause. Then, finally, Wooyoung gave me the nod.
"Okay," I said, slowly. "Now."
Sehun leaned down over the ring bearer, a kindergartner named Vivi, saying, "Okay, dude. It's go time." He rubbed his shoulders like a boxer's trainer, about to send him into the ring. "You got this! Walk!"
I sighed as Vivi, in his tiny suit, carrying a white stain pillow with the two rings very loosely sewn on, started walking. In BRR, my mom reached into her front pocket from some Skittles.
One, two, three, four, five, six, I counted, then nodded at Sehun. He said something to the flower girls - both had buns and a coral bow attached - that made him giggle, then gave them the go-ahead. The older one began tossing rose petals carefully, as I'd demonstrated; the younger threw most of hers out in one clump. Well, you couldn't have everything.
"Oh my God, guys, I'm so nervous!" Jessica, the maid of honor, said loudly as the first bridesmaid and groomsman began their walk. My mom and Wooyoung had called her an SS - Spotlight Stealer - at the rehearsal dinner the night before, when her speech stretched to twenty minutes, only ending with her happy tears, reportedly much to the bride's obvious annoyance. Weddings were like truth serum, or so my mom said. Whatever your personality, it would come out in spades. "Does anyone have gum?" Jessica said. "I'm serious. I need some gum!"
I was reaching into my pocket for one when Sehun beat me to it, stepping back beside her as the next couple from the party began walking. "The flavor is cool ice," he told her, holding out the packet. "I find it both surprising and refreshing."
"Oh, thank you." Jessica helped herself to one, popping it into her mouth, then smoothed her hair. "Do I look okay? I'm a wreck!"
The groomsman she'd been partnered with rolled his eyes. Tall and stubby with a red face, he had a whiny wife, plus two small children who'd been running around. I'd seen him taking multiple gulps from a flask during lineup, either thinking no one would notice or just not caring. There were lives you envied, I guess, and those you didn't.
"You're stunning," Sehun told her as I walked back to where the bride, Tiffany, was standing with her father, blinking rapidly as she looked ahead at the packed church.
"Excited?" I asked her, the word we used instead of nervous. She nodded, blinking again. "You're going to do great. Remember, it's supposed to be fun!" I saw her face relax, slightly - I'd take what I could get - and then Jessica's voice drifted us back. "Omo, I'm next! I'm a total wreck! Does anyone have a tissue?"
Tiffany tensed right back up, a full body clench. Her father glared. Sehun, oblivious, gave Jessica a tissue.
I stared ahead, into the church. In the back row, my mom was looking right at the bride. I had no doubt that even from a distance she was following this entire exchange solely on body language and expressions. By the time she turned her attention to me, I was already near Tiffany, cupping a hand on her elbow.
"You look gorgeous," I told her. She and her father were the only ones left now, Jessica and her groomsman halfway down the aisle. "And remember, this is your day."
"I'm going to kill her tomorrow," she said through gritted teeth. Her lipstick perfect.
"And not a soul will blame you," I replied smoothly. "Ready to get married?"
She sucked in a deep breath as I bent down, fluffing out the beaded train of her white, full-skirted dress one last time. When I stood, I saw Jessica up at the front of the church, dramatically dabbing her eyes as the photographer, oblivious, moved in for the candid shot. As the music began again, Wooyoung, smooth like a snake, moved in to say something to Jessica. Then everyone stood, blocking my view.
"Wow," Sehun said, a few minutes later, after we'd shut the back doors of the church, then taken our places by the side entrance where we'd wait to corral everyone's post-ceremony. "That was intense. It's like finding an explosion."
"We might have had one, if Jessica had kept talking," I said. "In the future, remember we only use words like 'stunning' for the bride in the bride's earshot."
"Oh, sorry," he said. "She seemed like she needed some confidence."
"She's a desperate attention seeker who had no care about her so-called best friend's wedding," I said. "The worst thing you can do is give someone like that attention."
"And a gum is attention?"
"If you don't offer them to the bride first."
"Do you realize you sound like a crazy person?"
Suddenly Wooyoung appeared behind us, slightly out of breath from taking the outside route around the church. "Man, that maid of honor is a piece of work. Did you see those tears? I half expected her to swan into a faint and stop the whole ceremony."
I smiled. "What did you say to her?"
"I told her to shape up, remember who she was there for, and do her job." He shook his head, annoyed. "We're going to have to watch her at the reception. 5000 won says she inflicts a dive for the bouquet."
"I bet she's dying to get married," I chuckled, up front, Tiffany and her groom took each other's hands. I couldn't see Jessica at all.
"And nobody will have her because she's so unpleasant," Wooyoung said. "Always a bridesmaid, until nobody even asks you to do that anymore."
I was so used to this kind of exchange, having it was like breathing. So I didn't notice until we paused that Sehun was looking at us, his expression shocked. "You guys are horrible," he said.
"Did I try to upstage a wedding just now?" I questioned.
"Was I the one yelling loudly about a piece of gum just seconds before my best friend walked down the aisle?" Wooyoung asked.
Sehun just looked at us. I said, "He's got super hearing, too."
Wooyoung pulled out his phone, glancing at the screen. "Your mom's reporting a loud talker. I'll be back."
I stepped back, giving him room to slip around us and down the aisle to a row close to the front, where he slid in on the end. A beat. Then a very pointed expression to a woman in a floral dress a few people down from him: I got quiet and I wasn't even saying anything.
"It's so weird to me," Sehun said, as the vows began, "how can you be so skeptical in this job. Aren't weddings all about hope?"
"Marriages are about hope," I said. "Weddings are pure logistics."
"Is he married?" he asked about Wooyoung, who was now studying the younger flower girl as she fidgeted, pulling at the zipper of her dress.
"Nope," I answered. "He's never even gotten close. The last boyfriend was the dad of one of my friends, and that was all the way back in middle school."
I had a flash of Mr. Nichkhun, Bambam's father, newly divorced, who had met Wooyoung at one of my performances in grade seven. They dated for about four months, Mr. Nichkhun had started talking about shopping for household items together, and Wooyoung fled. Since then, there's been no one except the occasional fling, usually on vacations he took with his friends. But I only got small details on those, via easdropping, and sadly, Wooyoung could always hear me coming.
"What about your mom?" Sehun asked.
"Same way. Dateless for years, no faith in the power of love and romance." Realizing this sounded harsh even to me, I added, "Look, the wedding business hides a person. Clearly. This is your first. By the end of summer, you'll probably be just as bad as we are."
He was watching Tiffany as she said her vows, a smile on her face. "We? You feel that way, too?"
I shrugged. "I'm not totally skeptical. But I don't believe in the fairy tale, if that's what you're asking."
"The fairy tale? What do you mean?"
A ripple across the crowd as the groom laughed, the priest joining in. "The idea that everything will be perfect, forever."
"Nobody really believes that, though."
"They do, though," I said. "These brides, they come in, with their new engagement rings all shiny on their fingers, and they want the ideal way. Flowers, food, venue, music, even utensils have to be perfect. And we do it, because that's our job and we're good at it. But the marriage: that's up to them. And it takes more than putting flowers into mason jars."
Sehun thought about it as the priest spoke at the front of the church. "You know, if you really think about it, I should be the one who doesn't believe in all this," he said after a moment. "I've only been to three weddings, all my mother's. I was in every one of them. Each ended in divorce."
"This is the first wedding you've attended that you weren't in?"
"Yea," he replied. "It's like seeing the man behind the scenes. And that man is scary."
"Sorry," I said.
"But that's the thing," he answered. "It's okay. Because when I do get asked to another wedding, I won't go into it thinking about everything that can go wrong. I'll just enjoy the party and the moment."
"Good for you. I wish I could," I said.
"You can, though."
"Nope. Too late." I cleared my throat. "That ship has sailed. Once you see how things can go, you can't unsee it."
I felt him looking at me, and realized this sounded harsh. But it was the truth. It took a lot to have hope in this world where so little evidence of it existed. We may all start in the same place, at a church, watching a couple begin a whole new life together. But what we glimpse beyond that is different for each of us, a mirror reflection of our own experience. Maybe if nothing bad had ever happened, you didn't consider those clouds and storms ahead. But for the rest of us, even the brightest sunshine carried a chance of rain. It was only a matter of time.