As I entered his office, I found myself in a small waiting room. The walls were painted in a modern gray and crown molding ran the lengths of the ceiling. A row of seats bent into a U-shape where side tables held Forbes and Fortune magazines. There was no one waiting but there was someone behind the front desk.
"Hi, I'm here to see Sam Parker." I leaned up against it. The receptionist pulled her cell phone from her attention and looked up at me. She had a thick strip of eyeliner, framing her dark blue eyes – the deep blue that only came with colored contact lens. She brushed her French manicured fingernails through her blonde hair and fastened her resting bitch face on me. She was naturally pretty, her lips curled inward as if always biting them, her brows were plucked into two thin arches that were much darker than the blonde hair on her hear. She highlighted her hair but she would have been much prettier if she hadn't dolled herself up too much. I couldn't help but to stir. Here was some young blonde skank working with Sam. Had she tried to make a move on him? Judging by her lacy push-up peeking out of her blouse she most certainly had.
Sam could do whatever he wanted. We were divorced after all, I just wish that he would have better taste than this. I faced my first emotion in his office – resentment. He was building a life he couldn't have with me and he started with a blonde bimbo at the door.
"May I have your name?" She was polite and good at her job. Damnit.
"Amanda..."
"Amanda?" a voice came from down the hall. There he was, smiling my way and approaching quick.
"Hey Sam..." he hugged me politely. He pulled me away and caught my eyes with that same glint as always. "You look great."
"Thanks..." I glanced back at the blonde and saw that she was already back to her Instagram feed. She didn't care nearly as much as I. So what the hell does that tell me about me?
I tried to reposition the conversation onto business, cutting through the tension that had built between us over the years.
"I don't have much time..." I wasn't sure how to act in his presence. So, I defaulted to what I do best – turn to business.
"Sure! Sure!" He ushered me down the hall to his office. He opened the door to the office and held it open for me, reminding me that chivalry wasn't dead, it was just hiding in Hallow Springs. Sam's office opened up before me. It was impressive to say the least. His walls were covered in oil prints and sports memorabilia. He had a Mario Lemieux signed jersey framed and a piece of a broken hockey stick mounted on the wall. I could smell the mahogany immediately and followed his direction to sit on his black leather sofa in front of a small coffee table.
"Take a seat! Do you want anything to drink?"
"How about a bourbon?" I joked to which he laughed.
"No more alcohol for me... two years sober," he responded in earnest.
"Really?" Sam had some drinking problems after Suzie's death. It fueled some of our fights and became his only escape. He wasn't an angry drunk, but a lazy one. The strong, confident man I fell in love with that I needed more than ever was nowhere to be found. When he was at the bottom of a bottle he was just a pathetic excuse of a man. The worst part was that he knew it and so he began to feel sorry for himself, which is even more pathetic. But here stood the original version of Sam Parker. The one that was living life not running from it.
"Yeah, AA got me sober and my therapist has been a huge help."
"Therapist?" I was taken aback by how freely he admitted it.
"Sure! You don't have one?" he asked, assuming the answer already.
"Yeah... I have one."
"Has he helped?"
"No..." I chuckled to myself. Sam shrugged and continued.
"So, he is a guy?" I perked up inside. Why would he care if it was a man or woman?
"Yeah, he is..." an awkward silence ensued as if he realized how forward he came across.
"Sorry, I just..." his voice trailed.
"I'm not dating anyone if that's what you are getting at."
"Oh... good... I mean, okay..." Seeing Sam stumble like this reminded that he was a human not just some beacon of bad memories. "Me neither."
I decided to play back at him in the hopes that he would feel less awkward for broaching the subject.
"What about Paris Hilton out there?" I couldn't resist myself. He vigorously shook his head, downplaying her presence.
"That's Candice Harrison... Judge Harrison's daughter."
"Ahh..." It all made sense now. I exhaled slightly under my breath as I met my second emotion – relief. My relief was uneasy though as it naturally furthered the fear of me still having feelings for him.
"Wish she had a brain, but she's a face at the door who gives me some points with the judge."
"I see..." Silence came over us again. I had forgotten that I was there on business.
I browsed his office again and saw that the man was on top of the world. Another side of me began to pull and so I met my third emotion – envy. He had been broken in the past, but now was somehow stronger for it. Why wasn't I? Maybe I should get his therapists number because judging by his position in the community, his office, his physique and demeanor – he was going to be okay and he knew it. He was living his cushy life while mine was still pulling at the seams.
"So! Jeremy..." he segued the conversation to business and crossed his legs. "I'm sorry... I know this case must be hard for you. Let alone coming back to Hallow Springs."
"Yeah... it is..." I wondered how he still lived here. He probably milked the town's sympathy for all it worth. He probably used it to become the D.A. The temperature of my blood rose a few degrees as I could feel my thoughts starting to turn on him.
"I was just over to his house for dinner a couple of nights before he disappeared. I figured you should know for your investigation... He asked to borrow some money – $5,000... I told him I could lend him 3 and it would take a few days, but he disappeared before I could give it to him."
"What did he want the money for?"
"I think he wanted to get his sister into rehab." I immediately thought of Zoe, who was now undergoing detox. The pile of money found at the scene of the crime – it now made sense. He was going around asking people for money – he didn't make nearly enough to get her the help that she needed. I remember seeing the pamphlet for Pavillon Treatment Center in Mill Springs in his desk.
"We have found someone he owed money to. Maynard Jones. We have brought him for questioning but I was told that you wanted to meet with me before proceeding." There was no way he couldn't hear how annoyed I was with him. This tiptoeing was not how you found a missing person. It was unneeded and I didn't need to be called down to his office when I was trying to find an old friend to see how great his life had become since our divorce.
"Of course... I'm sorry about interrupting your investigation. It's just wanted to see if you are okay and able to handle this..."
"Will you stop. Just stop!" I had had enough and I had just met my fourth emotion – anger. "Able to handle this? Are you trying to lecture me on how to handle things? Because you obviously can handle everything so well!" I raised my arms, showing off the office. "So, tell me Sam... how should I handle the fact that our daughter was found dead five miles from here! How I should I handle the fact that my marriage fell apart because my husband became a drunk and I became depressed and suicidal? How should I handle sitting in this office and having to see just how fucking great your life is?"
I shot up off the couch and began to storm out. I couldn't even look at him. If he loved me, he would never be able to move on from me. If he loved Suzie, he would never be able to move on from her. He had moved on and left us both behind.
"Amanda..." As my hand hit the handle, I heard him behind me. It was a weak plea, like he had just been hit in the gut and was out of breath. I pivoted back to him ignited with rage. But I didn't see the same professional lawyer, riding high anymore. The façade had crumbled, revealing a vulnerable man hiding behind it. His eyes were open wounds under fallen brows. "My life is far from great... Surely, you can understand... what's it like to have everything you ever loved to be ripped from you. "
I didn't know what to say, so I spun on my heel and stormed out the office, slamming the door behind me. I marched out of the office and didn't even look at the receptionist. I was able to get to my car before the tears came. I closed myself in let them flow. Suzie was waiting for me in the passenger seat with her arms folded across her chest and a downtrodden expression over her face. I had hurt her and it was here that I faced my fifth emotion – guilt. I didn't want to hurt him. Just because he was adjusting better than me didn't mean I had to drag him down to my level.
What kind of a person was I for doing that?
Somewhere buried deep beneath all of these emotions was a sixth – one that fueled them all. It was more than just an emotion though it was a conviction – one that I had to finally admit to myself – I still loved Sam Parker.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How'd you like that chapter?