TRIGGER WARNING ABOUT PANIC ATTACKS
Shawn and I were at a club in Paris, off in the corner, alone together, just enjoying each other's company as we talked.
"I have to go to the bathroom, do you need anything from the bar?" Shawn asked me.
"No I'm okay, but thank you baby." I said as Shawn smiled at me.
It had been five minutes since Shawn went to the bathroom and my anxiety was starting to set in. Where was he? What was taking him so long? What was he doing that would cause him to take this long? Soon, another five minutes went by, causing my anxiety to heighten even more. Another five minutes went by. I started to panic.
I could barely breathe, it was like my lungs had collapsed on me. My heart was pounding like crazy which only caused me to worry even more, making me feel uncomfortable. I got chest pains and I began to cry. The tears streamed down my face. They just kept coming and coming. They wouldn't stop.
I decided to go look for Shawn. Maybe he was in the club somewhere besides the bathroom. I wandered around the club, looking for Shawn. I went to the bar and ended up with no luck. I had even asked the bartender, who we had gone up to earlier, if he had seen my boyfriend but he hadn't. This caused me to cry more and the pain in my chest only got worse.
I looked around at the tables that surrounded me, hoping to find that for some reason, Shawn was talking to some random person, but once again, I had no luck. I looked out on the dancefloor and found my boyfriend. But he wasn't alone. Who he was with made my panic attack even worse, which I didn't know was possible. I didn't mind that he was talking to Jack Gilinsky, it was Hailey Baldwin who he was mainly talking to which caused me to worry. At one point, they had been seen together a lot, and it caused me to be jealous.
Seeing the two of them together now made my stomach churn, and it wasn't just panic and anxiety that I was feeling, it was jealousy. I saw her give him a hug which he didn't seem to mind, but he seemed uncomfortable when she gave him a kiss on the cheek. I ran back to our table in a panic, my lungs still feeling like they were collapsing. The tears streamed down my face as I could barely breathe. I got to our table and put my head in my hands, breathing fast enough to make myself light headed, causing me to feel like I was going to pass out.
I saw Shawn walk over to our table, but when he saw what type of state I was in, he started to run over to me. He knelt down in front of me.
"Baby what's wrong?" He asked. I couldn't speak. I just shook my head.
"You have to tell me what's going on or I can't fix it." He said.
"You, gone, Hailey." I stuttered.
"Baby, what? What about me being gone and Hailey?" He asked, probably confused.
"You were gone for a long time," I managed to say before I continued. "And then, I, I, I saw you with, with Hailey." I said as I cried even more, not even realizing that that was possible.
"I'm so sorry honey. Oh God I caused you to have a panic attack. Oh God. I saw Hailey and Jack so I went over to them, that's why it took me so long." He said rather quickly.
"I looked for you, and then, then she gave you a kiss on the cheek." I cried.
"I'm so sorry honey, I didn't realize that she was going to do that, it made me really uncomfortable." He said. This whole time, I was looking at the table, not at Shawn. "Now I need you to do something for me, okay?" He asked. I nodded before he continued.
"I need you to look at me, okay gorgeous?" He asked. I looked up into his eyes and a small wave of relief washed over me as I saw his gorgeous eyes. He continued. "I need you to take a deep breath in for me okay?" He asked of me. I did what he said. "Now let that deep breath out." He put his hand on my stomach and told me when I was letting enough air in and letting enough air out.
"Alright, now I need you to keep doing that but I want you to keep focusing on me, okay? Just keep looking at me, only me." He pleaded. I was okay with that. I suddenly remembered something that would always help me when I was upset.
"Shawn?" I asked.
"Yes darling?" He responded.
"I know what else helps me." I spoke.
"What?" He asked me.
"When you kiss me." I said shyly. I looked down at the floor when I said it even though he had said to focus on him and only him, but I felt embarrassed. He placed his lips on mine and a strong wave of relief washed over me. The anxiety was almost completely gone by then. His lips moved on mine in a gentle manner, so gentle that it was like he thought I was as fragile as glass, and could break at any given moment. I knew that he was doing this because of my panic attack and I appreciated it. His lips energised me and made me feel alive. I pulled away.
"Better?" Shawn asked me.
"Yes, much." I said as I nodded.
"Good." He said.
"But Shawn, I can still feel some anxiety." I spoke. He looked sad and concerned.
"Okay, let's do some more breathing, okay?" He asked. I nodded. After another five minutes of deep breathing, the anxiety was completely gone.
"Are you still anxious?" Shawn asked me, concern etched all over his face.
"No, I'm better now. How did you know what to do, besides the kissing?" I asked him.
"I looked up stuff on anxiety and panic attacks when I found out that you have anxiety and that you get panic attacks. I didn't want you to have to go through it with me not being able to do anything about it. I would have felt helpless and useless." He said.
"You did that for me?" I asked.
"Yeah." He said as he nodded.
"Oh Shawn, that's the sweetest thing that anyone's ever done for me, thank you so much Shawn, I love you so much. I don't know what I would do without you. Sorry for causing all of this drama." I said that last sentence while looking at the ground. He lightly lifted my chin up with his index finger.
"You didn't cause anything. If anyone caused anything, I caused your panic attack. I'm the one that walked away, I'm the one that went to talk to Jack and Hailey." He said, the palm of his hand on the side of my face, resting on my cheek.
"You didn't do anything wrong Shawn. You just went to the bathroom and then to talk to your friends. I just get a little anxious and jealous about Hailey." I admitted.
"Oh beautiful girl, you have nothing to be jealous about. You, my dear, are my one and only. You, my love, are the one that my heart beats for. I will love you until the end of time, and that's a promise, darling. I love you now and I'll love you forever. You and only you." Shawn said. As he finished, I had tears rolling down my cheeks with a smile on my face. My heart was racing again, but it was because Shawn drove me crazy. Crazy in love. "My love, why are you crying?" Shawn asked.
"Because that was so beautiful and it makes me really happy. Thank you so much Shawn. I love you so much." I said.
"I love you too Y/n. Now come on, let's get out of here and get back to the hotel." He said, and I obliged, but not until I got a kiss from him.
"Shawn?" I asked.
"Yes?" He asked.
"Will you kiss me?" I asked. He chuckled.
"You never have to ask Y/n." Shawn responded.
Soon enough, his lips were placed on mine, and I felt energized. I felt my stomach erupt with butterflies and sparks flew out throughout my body. God do I love this boy and God am I lucky enough to have him love me back.