"i'm not entirely sure. the second time it happened we were..."
they were at louis' birthday celebration. january 11th. he was turning 24. and everyone was in high spirits, mostly due to drinking spirits. but jamie had been feeling off the past couple of days, ever since that fateful night.
he knew he shouldn't have had cocaine - that part was obvious. if anyone found out about him relapsing, especially after having so long clean, they'd be so disappointed, particularly teddy.
he'd had a history of drug use; it was during university. his course wasn't the easiest, but he also knew it wasn't the hardest. and jamie was smart, so why was he struggling so much? the content felt like too much to learn too quickly and everyone else seemed to be getting on fine with it. there was this isolation jamie felt around him during that time, no one really understood how he was feeling.
he'd gotten outstanding results in both his a levels and his GCSEs and now things were piling up and he no longer felt like that smart kid who was guaranteed to do good. it wasn't exactly rocket science why jamie ended up where he had been.
one of his flat mates was going to a house party and noticed the mood jamie was feeling in one night. his offer to bring jamie along felt very gracious and jamie couldn't help but accept. he got dressed up and once they got there, the party was practically in full swing. a drink got handed to jamie as soon as he got in. hopefully the alcohol would provide a distraction to how he felt.
but it wasn't enough, and soon he found a group of people, smoking weed. and he thought, there's no harm in trying something more. he liked to think of it as a better distraction.
and one drug leads to the next, which leads to the next, which leads to the next and then- and then he got found out. fred had walked in on him, about to inject heroin, them both going to the same university (different courses though). it hadn't been a pretty sight, and jamie would rather not be reminded of all the details.
it took over a year to fully stop jamie's addiction. it had built up so much that he struggled to go without something to get him though the day. there'd been times where he thought that he was done, after a couple months of being clean. but he got this itchiness on the whole of his body, and he'd hidden some around the flat just in case.
but that was back then. he'd been clean for over a year. well, he used to be clean. not after that night when he couldn't think and he just wanted not to feel. teddy couldn't know. jamie can't tell him. it would be his secret.
but dylan knew. dylan knew a lot. and now jamie had to find him tonight, hopefully fred had brought him, and had to tell him to not mention it to anyone. but the sight of dylan on its own made him feel sick ever since, knowing what they'd done. jamie didn't know if he'd ever tell fred.
"jamie!" freddy shouted, collaring him over. noticing dylan by his side, jamie was hesitant to join him. but the look on fred's face was so hopeful and happy and jamie found himself walking toward them.
he pulled jamie into a hug as soon as he got there. fred gave the best hugs, and it felt like all of jamie's problems and tensions disappeared as soon as fred embraced him. it was one of his things.
"you remember my boyfriend, right?" fred asked, grinning. and the warmth that jamie felt soon vanished.
that smile on us his face was enough to make jamie feel sick to his stomach. and the guilt eating up at him had gotten to his stomach, and there was a chance he'd actually be sick.
"yeah. dylan, isn't it?" jamie asked, playing the naive card. hopefully dylan would understand what direction he was going in.
he couldn't live with fred knowing, it'd ruin him. and in that situation, jamie didn't know if the 'him' was referring to fred or himself.
"yeah, i glad i don't have to take a guess at your name, this one has been shouting it for ages trying to get you to come over." dylan bantered back, looking lovesick with fred.
the endearing 'this one' felt like a stab in jamie's chest, the knife having been drawn out of fred's back. and to see dylan pretending to love fred was something he'd wish upon nobody. because fred was the happiest he'd been in a long time, but it was bound to come crashing down.
"i'm only excited to see him!" fred validated his eagerness. "it's been nearly two weeks since we last saw each other!"
and jamie blanched at that memory. new year's day. when him and teddy were bickering - they were doing a lot of that these days, arguing,
though, it had calmed down as of recently - and then, they kissed. and jamie felt alive.
he felt every beat of his heart thumping in his chest, alongside the blood rushing through his veins and coming to his cheeks, making them rose tinted. his hands at the back of teddy's neck, and then for a brief moment, it was perfect.
and then they separated. before he got taken away by fred and louis, he risked a quick peck on teddy's cheek. and now the man he was kissing was fred's boyfriend. no - not kissing: kissed. past tense; what happened between them wouldn't occur again. jamie would make sure of it.
but for now, he couldn't see fred without that ill feeling coming back and destroying him. he was going to be sick. he had to get out of there.
"hey, freddy. i'm just feeling a bit hot and ill - i'm gonna go outside for a while." he pulled at shirt, as if to cool himself down. when really, he was trying to do something with his hands so fred wouldn't see them terribly shaking.
"oh, don't worry. i'll come with you. i can make sure you're okay." fred said, and began to unravel himself from dylan's arm around his waist.
jamie hated fred for being so kind, when jamie didn't deserve any of it. if only fred knew what they - him and dylan - did, it would ruin everything between them. but jamie hoped if fred did know, he'd find it somehwere in his heart to forgive jamie, even if he'd done nothing to deserve it.
"no, freddy. it's fine i don't mind going by myself-"
"i can take him," dylan announced, and fred looked at him confused, while jamie glowered at him. "louis is your cousin, not mine. you should enjoy yourself celebrating his birthday, fred. i can just stay with him until he feels better.
jamie hated dylan then. and he couldn't have exactly said no because dylan had made a valid point. and if he said no, fred would get suspicious. fred would come up with a million different reasons to why jamie didn't want dylan outside with him, but he'd never get the right one. because fred would never imagine that that'd even be a possibility.
fred nodded, and looked around to try and find louis. while he was occupied with this, dylan separated himself from his boyfriend, and began to walk outside with jamie.
as soon as they got out, jamie leant with his back against the wall, appreciating the icy breeze that hit his face and cooled him down. his brief moment of serenity was interrupted by dylan.
"hey." he smirked. and such a simple word had jamie's palms sweating again and his heart beating a million times per second.
"he can't know!" jamie shouted, clueing in on what dylan was obviously thinking about. "fred does not deserve this being done to him, so he doesn't have to find out. and if he does? it wasn't me."
jamie realised he was tugging at his hair. teddy had started to comment on it, that whenever jamie was stressed or worried, he'd begin to pull. teddy also said that it could cause his hair to start thinning, leading to premature balding, as someone casually does. so this was a habit his was trying to break, for two reasons: he didn't want to be bald, and it reminded him of teddy. and the tightness and pressure he felt at that moment, he didn't want to be associated with teddy.
"what wasn't you, jamie?" dylan asked, and took a step closer to jamie. now he was playing the naive card. that fucking twat.
jamie shook his head. "you know, dylan. you definitely know."
as jamie spoke, dylan got closer, until jamie was pressed against the wall, dylan looming over him. his hands were placed either side of jamie's body, keeping jamie against the wall.
he leant forward, his breath ghosting the shell of jamie's ear. "i'm having some trouble remembering, do you mind..." he rolled the lobe of jamie's ear between his teeth. "refreshing me?"
and any restraint jamie had simply vanished. and so they kissed for a second time. jamie had his hands wrapped around dylan's neck while dylan's hands toyed with the hem of jamie's shirt and soon, he had his hands underneath it. they soon slid down to the belt on jamie's jeans and that's when things got too much.
"wait. stop. i can't. i'm not doing this to fred." jamie insisted, pulling away from the kiss. he pushed dylan back away from him, and stepped away from the wall.
dylan shrugged, as if there was nothing he could do about that. but there was that familiar glint in his eyes, the one he got when jamie mentioned about the fight with teddy. "if you don't want to do this, we won't. but you're a lot of fun jamie, fred can be a bit of a bore. so there is something else we could do."
and dylan pulled out a sealed packet of pills from his top pocket. jamie's eyes widened, and his heart began to thunder in his chest. it suddenly got a lot colder outside, and he didn't know if it was because of the actual weather or if he did, once again, feel genuinely ill.
"you've got to be joking." jamie swallowed nervously, frowning. this couldn't be happening. this literally couldn't not be happening right now.
"i'm not doing this to fred, he doesn't want drugs in his life. but you... you certainly do. i can see it just by looking at you. and even if you deny it, you know deep down that it'll kill you if you don't give into this craving, or maybe," dylan looked him up and down, a flame of lust in his eyes, "other ones."
"and what if i do want it then? what if taking those drugs is the best decision i could think of making right now? the thing i want most?" jamie practically shouted, eyeing the pills dangling from dylan's fingers.
"then i'd say, take one. maybe two, if you're feeling lucky." he smirked.
so jamie held out his hand as dylan placed a couple of the pills into his palm and...
"...and that's how it happened. um, that's why he came back in and said i had been sick and he was taking me home. i wasn't sick, i was high. then he was high also. and it led to the second time." jamie managed to get out, in between sniffs and coughs in attempts to stop crying.
"shit, jamie." fred sighed, running a hand through his short curls. "i'm trying to understand, but you must know it's so difficult."
"yeah, i-i get that." jamie nodded, acknowledging that despite him not being in the best situation, it didn't fully excuse him of sleeping with dylan. but he hoped fred understood the regret he felt, if not why he did it. he couldn't lose him. "i'm... words can't describe how i feel about that second time-"
"what about the other times?" jamie was about to answer before fred asked another question. "what about after we broke up?"
"you should like my therapist with all these questions, you know." jamie joked, though it was neither humorous nor appropriate for this situation. "um, i kind of became reliant on him. he acted as a source for getting high and having a good time. but, i guess he also became this distraction. i could pretend that i wasn't some fuck-up who was back on drugs again. because he made me feel like me being on drugs wasn't a bad thing - that i wasn't this fuck-up, that i was just getting high for fun and that there was nothing wrong with that-" jamie ranted, gradually getting worked up and more and more aggravated.
he balled his hands into fists and felt like the could punch something. but he knew he couldn't do that because he tries to control his sometimes aggressive outbursts. jamie brought his hands up to his hair until fred grabbed them and pulled them back down.
jamie didn't know this, but fred knew how jamie would pull at his hair in these kinds of situations. it was another bad habit on top of all the others. maybe these weren't just bad habits.
you see, jamie tended not to be very open about how he felt and his health. fred knew he saw a therapist to manage his addiction. but with these new things coming to light, he couldn't help but wonder if there was another reason. he didn't want to pry, jamie would tell him when he's ready. maybe it was just addiction, there might not even be something else.
but teddy would know. teddy was the exception to jamie's usual behaviour. he'd tell teddy anything and everything and that's how their relationship worked.
"he's fucking wrong, jamie." fred tried not to shout, but he found his voice rising as he spoke. "he's so so wrong, and he's disgusting and he's a vile human being and i don't even know if i can call him a human being because of how cruel and repulsive he is. fuck him, jamie!" fred finished speaking, until he noticed how the last part of was he said could've been taken. "well, that was rather bad wording. but you get my point. he's fit, yes. so bloody fit. but he's a twat. and you and i both know that and both have experience of that."
jamie watched as fred became more angry at dylan, knowing that's exactly how he felt on the inside. maybe less. he could never imagine what it would feel like to be in fred's position.
"freddy, i- i'm not expecting forgiveness. and i know it's hard to understand. he made me feel special and worthy. like no one else-" jamie stopped, struggling to finish the sentence amongst his resistance to just breaking down sobbing.
"-would ever want you if he didn't? like you'll never be good enough, and you're lucky he puts up with you?" fred finished.
"exactly like that, maybe not to that extent. not like you had it."
they sat for a silent moment.
fred was the first to break it. "why didn't you just tell me when it began, jamie? when you first kissed?"
because jamie knew fred would hate him. because if jamie told him back then, dylan would've easily twisted it into something it wasn't. he had fred wrapped around his little finger and he believed every word dylan spoke. because he would've said that jamie begged him and dylan refused until jamie had forced himself on dylan. or something similar to that. he changed things to make the others the one in the wrong. but in this case, jamie was in the wrong no matter what.
"yeah. he was like that." fred said, and jamie realised he'd said all of that out loud.
"freddy, please just tell me how you're feeling about all of this."
he wanted to know where he stood with fred. if he still hated him, now that fred knows what's happened. it's pretty fucked up, but majority of things in their lives were fucked up. this was just another thing added to the long list, maybe it would get resolved. maybe not.
"i kind of just want to cry, well more than i have been doing." he chuckled. "but i've wasted so much of my time crying over boys who don't care, you know? who just use you for one thing and one thing only. that's what he was doing to you. just using you like he used me... i was never really his boyfriend, was i? just a permanent something for him to mess about with. god, it's bringing up all the feelings i used to have for him. but i'm also pissed off right now."
"i'm so sorry, fred. none of this was ever meant to happen. but he treated you like shit, and i know that because he bloody cheated on you with your own cousin. you have to look on the positive though," jamie suggested, and fred shot him a glare. as if there ever would be a positive in this situation. "at least he cheated on you with someone you knew, so that way you know you don't have, like, chlamydia from dylan by him getting it from them and then giving it to you."
fred gaped at him. his eyebrows furrowed and his mouth opening and closing, looking for words to say to jamie's bright side. "you're saying dylan cheated on me with you but it's cool because now i don't have chlamydia?"
"well yeah. chlamydia is a horrible thing, you don't want it." jamie shook his head.
"since when have you had chlamydia?" asked fred, seemingly rather shocked.
"it was a while back. like sixth form maybe? but it got sorted. it was awkward, but it definitely was sorted. i'm just - i'm trying to find a bright side when there isn't one." jamie sighed. "freddy, i don't know if you understand how sorry i am. like, this is my biggest regret, of all my regrets. and you've been there for them all. like when i tried to dye louis' hair in his sleep, but he woke up so i couldn't and then he did the same to me so i had purple hair for the rest of the month because it was permeant dye and i couldn't book an appointment until then to get brown back over it. like you know how pissed i was then. and i vowed to never try to prank louis again."
jamie thought of more of his regrets. maybe not being more honest with with his family and friends. being rather mean to albus when he first started school. leaving fred to walk in his shadow. jamie knew he wasn't a good person all the time, but he was working on it. and that's what mattered.
"yeah. it's just hard to think about, you know? but now i'm happy, i don't need him. he can't control how i feel anymore. i have emily and she's the best thing that's ever happened to me. and now i realise that your intentions to get us together may not have entirely been out of the goodness of your heart, but i still appreciate it. and what's happened isn't okay but it's happened and i can't change it by hating you. i don't hate you jamie, you're like my brother. not like, you practically are my brother. and for you to be doing drugs again i-"
"it's under control. i promise." jamie insisted.
"that's what you said before. how can i know to trust you after all of this?"
getting through his addiction the first time was incredibly difficult, but for a second time, jamie didn't know if he could do it. but then he remembered the support he had back then, and the support he has now. it was possible, jamie just had to believe that.
"teddy's helping me this time." and jamie realised this complete and utter dependence he had on teddy. maybe it was slightly unhealthy to have all his faith balanced on one person, but jamie hoped teddy would never let him down. "i think i, um, i also slept with dylan to spite teddy. it's awful, i know. he'd pissed me off and i don't know why but it's just him and his stupid blue hair and his fucking piercings, do you even know how many he has? eleven - and that's just his ears. and then there's his nose and lip and... yeah, he's got a lot. and maybe i am possibly homophobic, like teddy said. but i don't know because i say i'm not but every time teddy bring home a guy or stays at his it really bothers me, you know?"
fred cleated his throat, though his face looked quite humoured. it was as if something jamie said was funny. but jamie didn't think he spoke anything along the lines of that. "um, jamie. i highly doubt you're homophobic. you've been chill with the boyfriends i've had, the boyfriends louis has had, you're fine with al being gay. and all our other queer relatives. maybe, you're just jealous. have you ever considered that?"
"why would i be jealous?" fred gave him a pointed look. "oh, wait. are you saying that i'm jealous that he's spending time with people other than me? because i didn't think i was that self absorbed i mean-"
"jamie." fred stopped him from carrying on. jamie felt like he was obviously missing a point fred was making. "i mean romantically jealous. as in, you have a crush on teddy."
"wait, what? ohhh, wow. no, i can't be. he's just- he's teddy." jamie whispered, not wanting his best friend to overhear this part of their conversation.
"jamie, you know you've got it bad for them when you start to use their name as an adjective." fred joked.
and they laughed like they used to do, and jamie wondered, he hoped that things would start to go back to normal.
///
this chapter is like over 3700 words wowow
i hope you liked it !!!
i'm very sorry it's taken almost two weeks
and i wish i could say i've been busy with school work but that's only half of it and i've kinda just felt really like unmotivated to do anything but i'm trying hard to get out of this weird funk
thank you for your patience and i hope you enjoyed this plot line in confidential
💗💗💗