One week after I agreed... I opened the main door of the house, where Jamaica is staying. This is the third time I went to this place which my father has bought for Jamaica, this is where I take care of her and the baby.
I am guilty for I could sense that Zafina is hurting because I am already lacking time for her. I never wanted that, but I have to. But I kept in mind that this is just for two months, and after that, my baby will achieve the unconditional happiness she deserves.
I went to the living room and I saw the bitch sitting there, while giving me a stare full of lust.
"Come on Tyler, I know you want me."
Jamaica was wearing a red lingerie, she's sitting on the couch with legs wide open while she's moving her fingers like motioning me to come close to her.
I frowned. She always try to seduce me whenever we're together but today? I think this is her worst move so far.
Really? Wearing a lingerie? She really think that would get me?
No one could ever tame me but my Zafina. She doesn't even need to wear this kind of clothes to make me hard for her. Just by looking at her innocent eyes, I could already get a boner.
"Oh, Tyler, what's holding you from touching me?"
When she realized I have no plans on going near her, she stood up while swaying her hips. I frowned more. She looks like an orangutan wearing a lingerie and doing a cat walk.
Before she could even reach me, I spoke. "Don't you have remaining delicacy in you? You're already carrying your own child, Jamaica. Can't you grow up and change even for the sake of your child?"
She stopped and threw me a death glare.
"No! I want you, Tyler! I'll do anything to have you!"
I shook my head, I went to the kitchen and placed the paper bag I'm carrying on the table. I felt Jamaica followed me.
"I just dropped by to hand you this foods you asked me to bought you. I'm going."
I rushed out of the house without waiting for her response. Tsk, it's still in the middle of the midnight and my fucking sleep was disturbed because of her.
-
Until another days passed again...
From: J
2 weeks ago
Tyler! Hindi ka na naman sumasagot sa mga tawag ko!
From: J
2 weeks ago
Kasama mo si Zafina ano?! That bitch!
From: J
2 weeks ago
Pupunta ka dito o ipapalaglag ko ang bata?!
Fuck! How could she do such a thing?! Can't she have mercy even just for her child?! For fuck's sake!
I breathed deeply.
She shouldn't kill her child, it's also my younger sibling! And if my father find out about that, I'd lose hope upon knowing who Zafina's parents are.
To: J
2 weeks ago
Damn you, Jamaica! I'm going!
That day, I spent time granting her every wish, but not her wish upon getting me, just her cravings for foods and such. It's tiring, but I can still manage. Whenever I'm losing my temper on Jamaica, I would just think about the reason why I'm doing this; for my Zafina. And soon after remembering that, I'm already good.
I threw myself on the couch. I massaged my temples with my eyes closed. I'm already damn tired.
"Tyler,"
I sighed before looking at Jamaica.
She was staring at me, but those stares were not her usual lustful stares. There are different emotions in her eyes I couldn't determine.
"What?" exhaustion was evident in my voice.
She looked away, "U-Umuwi ka na. Pagod ka na eh."
My brows knotted, not because I didn't like what she said, but because today's the first time she asked me to go home. Most of the time, I would just leave without her consent since she doesn't want me gone. But today... It's different.
But instead of asking, I just plainly nodded and stood up to leave.
She didn't stop me when I walked out the door, and even until I went inside my car, and finally leave.
I can't help but to feel confused...
She's slowly changing, isn't she?
-
One day, I was suddenly alerted by the text Jamaica had sent me.
From: J
Tyler! Bakit hindi mo sinasagot ang mga tawag ko??! My tummy hurts! Come here please!
To: J
1 week ago
Damn! Wait for me!
"Jamaica?!"
I opened the door forcefully. I roamed me eyes around and saw her groaning in pain on the couch. I rushed towards her, she's sweating and pain is very visible on her face, that's why I know this is not part of her plan, she's obviously hurting real bad.
I rushed her to the hospital. The baby is fine but it has a weak grip. No one is going to take care of her besides me so I stayed with her the whole day.
I think this is the time where she's most sane, for she didn't do anything to catch my attention, she's just pure silent. I hope she already realized the importance of her baby to her.
From: J
Thank you for staying with me, late ka na tuloy nakauwi.
To: J
1 week ago
It's my responsibility. Sleep now, it's not good for a pregnant person to sleep late.
She is my responsibility since I made my word to my father, I am to take care of her for two months.
I have witnessed awhile ago that she's starting to realize things, I wish that would go on. I really miss Zafina, we're having less time together.
The next day, I went at the hospital to fetch Jamaica and bring her home. As usual, I brought us food. I never cook for her, I can't find my will to do it so it's either I'll just buy her food on the road or I'll order through delivery.
"Tyler," I heard Jamaica called me. She's on the dining room eating while I'm here on the living room watching television.
I also never join her whenever she eats, I always join Zafina, no matter how hungry I am, I'll wait 'til I get home before eating with my love.
I glanced at Jamaica. She's looking at me from her spot.
"Pwede bang sabayan mo ako kahit ngayon lang?"
I stared at her for a moment. I contemplated at first before deciding to stand up and sit beside her. She's about to get me a plate but I stopped her.
"I'm not really hungry. I'll just stay here until you finish eating."
I leaned on my chair and crossed my arms. Jamaica just nodded before starting to eat.
Only the sound of clashing utensils and the sound of television are envading the house. I was just looking at the table when suddenly my phone rang. I reached for it from my pocket and my face automatically lit up when I saw my baby calling.
"Baby," I excitedly called her.
[Tyler, dito ka ba kakain? I cooked for you.]
My lips formed a smile. Just hearing her voice makes me yearn for her more and also makes me happy at the same time.
"Really? You cooked for me? Don't worry I'll be there, wait for me, okay?"
[Tapos na ba ang ginagawa mo? Baka importante yan.]
"Fuck important things, there's nothing more important than you."
I pictured her biting her lips because of what I said. I can't help but to chuckle. I'm already dying to kiss her right now.
[O-Oh sige, hihintayin kita.]
"Alright, baby. I'll be back soon."
She hung up. I placed my phone back on my pocket with a wide smile in my face. Ah, my day is already complete.
"You really love her, huh?"
I looked at someone beside me. I almost forgot I'm with Jamaica. My cold expression returned. She's looking at me with undetermined emotion in her eyes again.
"More than myself," I answered.
She nodded slowly, she then looked down and sighed.
"She's lucky to have you," she murmured.
"No, I'm more lucky to have her."
She looked at me and smiled sadly.
"She's lucky having a man who thinks he's more lucky for having his girl."
"Could you blame me for thinking I'm way more lucky? She's always whom I needed, she's always whom I wanted. And thinking that she's mine, damn, I couldn't ask for more."
She didn't speak after that. I looked at her plate and noticed she's not done eating yet.
"Finish your food, your child needs it."
"Tyler... Salamat ha? Salamat kasi inaalagan mo kami ng anak ko, nagagawa mo pang lumisan sa tabi ni Zafina para puntahan kami."
"I'm not doing this for you, Jamaica. You know the real reason behind all these."
"A-Alam ko... Pero kahit na, hindi ako nagagawang alagaan ng tatay mo, ng tunay na ama ng anak ko, pero ikaw, ikaw ang nandito. Gayung hindi ka naman dapat narito."
I smiled lightly.
"I may not be doing this for you, but I'm doing this for my younger sibling inside your womb."
I looked at her stomach. A slight baby bump is already visible.
I almost twitched when she reached for my hand and placed it above her stomach.
I was uncomfortable at first, but later on, I felt at ease. I'm having a younger sibling, I promise that he or she will never suffer the way I did with my father. I'll protect him from any harm, mark my words.
"N-Nakapagdesisyon na ako,"
My eyes went back at Jamaica. Her eyes were teary and it's obvious how she's trying her best not to burst in tears. Yet I remained staring at her so she continued.
"Y-You could go now, Tyler. I'm letting you go. Yes, you were not mine, but I encaged you, keeping you away from Zafina. Pero ngayon, alam ko na, napagtanto ko na, we shouldn't beg for someone's love. Dahil hindi nalilimos ang pag-ibig, hindi iyon bagay na basta-basta lang nabibigay. Dahil kung oo, edi sana walang nasasaktan ngayon diba?" She laughed despite the tears flowing down her cheeks. "Ayoko nang maging kontrabida, kahit para na lang sa anak ko, magpapaka-ina ako. I'll do my responsibility as a mother."
"And I'll do my responsibility as a brother, too. So don't worry, you're not alone, don't think you'll be alone. I'll still try my best to take good care of my sibling."
She smiled, "Kakausapin ko na lang papa mo, alam kong hindi siya papayag dito sa desisyon ko, kaya kapag nagtanong siya, sasabihin ko na lang sa kanya na hawak pa rin kita, kahit malaya ka na. Nang sa gayun, malaman mo pa rin kung sino ang tunay na pamilya ni Zafina. I got your back this time, Tyler."
My lips formed into a smile, a sincere smile. Well, everybody deserves a last chance, yeah, last chance not second chance, for there would be no third chance anymore.
"Sige na, umalis ka na, hinihintay ka na ng baby mo." She said chuckling.
I can't help but to smile, I felt relieved, so damn relieved. Finally, this day came.
"Sige na! Layas na! Sige ka magbago pa isip ko!"
She pulled me to stood up then pushed me towards the door.
"Alright, alright, no need to push me woman." I shook my head before heading to the door.
I bit my lip as I start the engine.
Wait for me baby, I'm coming home.
When I reached the house, I'm still happy as I am. I can't help but to reach out for my phone to text Jamaica before rushing inside Zafina and I's house.
To: J
11:00 a.m.
Thank you, about awhile ago. I really am, you don't know how happy you made me. :)
I was happy, truly happy, but damn, they're right, if you have felt unmeasurable happiness, expect that exceptional sadness and grieve will follow. For the next thing I knew, Zafina had already read all my text conversations with Jamaica.
I turned pale as I look at her, she was crying with her eyes full of pain. "Z-Zafina,"
My chest immediately tightened as I watch her tears flow. I rushed unto her and cupped her cheeks to brush her tears away.
"L-Listen to me baby. I-I am not the father, you hear me? I am not the father." I assured her, she quickly hugged me and cried in my arms. I comfort her with all my might.
Right there, I already want to tell her the truth, but I don't know how to start. So I didn't, besides, I haven't seen her parents yet. My original plan is to tell her the truth if I already saw her parents, so she won't have to worry anymore if ever I'd tell her the truth without a fucking single information about her parents. So I'll stick to my original plan.
But no, that was the biggest mistake I had ever made.
She found out everything, doubted me, cried because of me, disbelieved me, hated me, loathed me... then she left me.
And it's my fault, it's my fucking fault! I chose to rush Jamaica to the hospital because I know that's the righteous thing to do!
It hurts seeing her beg but I can't just ignore Jamaica's situation! She's bleeding and my sibling's life is at stake!
I had to act quick, and I chose to choose my mind first rather than my heart. I rushed Jamaica to the hospital.
What I didn't know is, that is the start of my devastation.
"Zafina?" I called out her name once I entered our house. I just came from the hospital.
But I was greeted by silence. There's no trace of Zafina anywhere.
I started to panic. Why isn't she home yet? S-She's not leaving me, right? No! She will never do that!
"Zafina!"
I walked upstairs but still, no sign of her. I looked at her closet. My heart pounded as I reach for its handle. I sighed in relief when her clothes are still here.
I knew it, she didn't leave me, she's just not home yet. My baby will never leave me. I know she will hear my side first. She trusts me.
But when I remembered how she asked me to stay, and how extreme pain registered on her face when I rejected her is bugging my mind. Oh baby, I didn't mean to. It's just a matter of life and death, I have to save my brother inside Jamaica's womb. I hope you understand.
I sighed and threw my exhausted body on the bed.
I then closed my eyes and silently hoped. Baby, come back home please. Losing you will be the end of me.
I never noticed that I fell asleep due to exhaustion.
The moment I woke up, I quickily got out of bed and looked at my side. But I was greeted by an empty space. S-She's still not here.
My heartbeat raced as I stood up and went downstairs.
"Zafina?!"
My voice just echoed in every corner of the house. My breathing started to become fast and heavy. Why is she still not home yet?! Why?!
I looked for her everywhere around the house while shouting her name repeatedly. But I got no response.
My body became cold, my whole body was already trembling. I could literally hear my heart beating so loud and so fast. I'm so fucking scared of the possibilities entering my mind.
But one question raised above them all. D-Did she leave me already?
My lips started to quiver. N-No. She will never do such a thing. She loves me... Even though she never mentioned those three words to me. I know she does. The way she responds to my kisses, the way she submits herself to me, the way she stares at me, holds me, hugs me, touches me, everything, it all tells me how much she loves me with all her being. So I know, she will never leave me. And I will wait for her, no matter how long, I will.
And so I did. All the time, I was just sitting at the couch, just in front of the main door. So that I will know easily if she's already home. And no, I never left my spot, even just for a second, nor even a millisecond.
I don't know how many hours had already passed, until it turned to days, and nights. I sleep at the couch sitting, but as much as I can, I don't sleep. I can't even feel hunger, nor thirst. But I can feel my lips are dried since I have not been drinking for days. I don't even feel like urinating. I can't feel anything except hope for Zafina coming back. That's all I'm asking for.
"What the fuck?! Tyler!"
I heard a man's voice called my name. Just by its voice, I already knew it was Tyron. But for a goddamn unknown reason, I can't barely open my eyes. My eyelids are so heavy and I can't lift a finger.
I heard footsteps approaching me. Someone held me and tapped my cheek repeatedly. I groaned, I can clearly hear Tyron but I can't respond. My body feels so heavy.
"Bullshit!"
I felt like something is pulling me from my insides. My hearing became weaker and weaker until I can no longer hear my brother. I passed out.
-
The beeping of a heart rate machine is what I heard first the moment I woke up. I slowly opened my eyes, I am still spacing out but when I slowly looked around, I realized that I'm not on our house.
Holy shit! How the fuck did I end up here?! I need to go home! Zafina is probably home by now! She might be searching for me already! Fuck it!
I quickly got up, I ignored the pain all over my body and removed the dextrose on my hand.
"Tyler! What the hell are you doing?!"
I glared at my brother who's looking at me unbelievably.
"I need to go home. Now."
"No you will not! You're still not well fucktard!"
"I don't give a damn! I'm going home whether you like it or not!"
"Oh come on! Is this still about your Zafina? Forget about her, I heard she already left the country."
"W-What?"
"Yes she did—"
"No! You're lying! She will never leave me you bastard!" I gripped his collar tightly, my eyes are burning in rage. But he just looked at me then sighed.
"She already did, just forget about her and move on—"
"How could you say that like that's the easiest thing to do in the world?! You just fucking proved to me that you know nothing about forgetting someone whom you loved your whole life!"
I let go of him and rushed for the door but he quickly caught my shirt then threw me on the ground. Due to weakness, I was easily stumbled.
I am about to fight back but suddenly, the room was filled with male nurses. They forced me to get back to the hospital bed but I fought back, I was already shouting in pure madness.
All I am thinking is coming back home, my baby is already waiting for me. Fuck!
I fought and fought with all my might until a pang of pain appeared on my neck. I was taken aback and suddenly, my eyes want to shut so bad. I fought the urge to pass out but I lost.
I whispered Zafina's name before I lost it, I passed out once again.
The next time I woke up, I feel so numb. I was just lying, staring unto the white ceiling.
Zafina left. She left me. She gave up on me. She doesn't want me anymore. But why? Am I really not worth fighting for? Am I not worth staying for?
My mom left me, she committed suicide without thinking I will be left alone in this world, hurting, afraid, devastated. And now, Zafina did the same. She left me. They left me.
I closed my eyes. My heart felt empty, yet it also felt heavy. How that became possible, I don't know. How can feeling empty be so heavy is I don't know.
I saw someone from my peripheral vision. But I remained still. It was Jamaica, she was crying but my expression remained static, I didn't even threw her a glance.
And that happened all the time, I know some of my friends are talking to me, but I can't hear anything, I don't want to hear anything. Someone forced me to eat, by opening my mouth and placing food inside. Yet I still can't taste anything.
Will I live this way my whole life? If yes, then I don't want to live anymore.
My eyes drifted to the needle buried on my wrist, and without hesitant, I pulled it out. I stared at its sharp tip first before pointing it on my visible veins.
If I cut these veins lying on my wrist, will I die instantly? I know it will hurt, but I also know I can manage. The pain will never last, for my life will never last as well.
I pushed the needle and I saw how it slowly penetrate my skin. Blood started dripping, but as soon as I was about to move the needle to create a cut, someone had already grabbed the sharp object from my hand harshly.
I looked up and saw my brother fuming in anger. He was shouting at me, maybe even cursing, but I still couldn't hear anything. All I could hear is echoes of his voice, but I couldn't understand a word.
My mind is that blank, all I could think is bad intentions.
Nurses filled the room once again, and I was injected once again, driving me to sleep I wish would last a lifetime.
The next moment I woke up, I was already in a different place. Although everything is still white, I know I'm not in the same place where I last lost my consciousness. Where the fuck am I again?
I stood up, there was already no dextrose on mine so I could already freely move around. But I remained still. I looked around and noticed that the walls were covered with foam. The only furniture in the room is this bed I'm currently sitting on.
My eyes drifted unto the door when someone came in. A man in his lab gown approached me, he has two nurses behind him and I already knew why.
He started talking to me while all I did is to stare at him. The fuck is this douchébag saying?
"... Zafina..."
It felt like all my senses came back when I heard him say that name. All the thing he said, yet all I heard was that name, my baby's name.
"W-What about my Zafina?" I asked him.
He nodded before writing something on his clipboard. I unknowingly saw the writing on the left part of his chest, Vergilio Manalastas, PhD.
"Your brother said you haven't been talking for a week now, not until now that I mentioned her name."
He looked at me, and I hated the way he stares at me, it's like he's reading my fucking soul. But poor him, I have no soul.
"So, tell me Mr. Smith, do you know where you are right now?"
"In hell," I answered without blinking, "everywhere without my Zafina is hell."
He, again, nodded before aiming to write on his clipboard. But before he could even do so, I grabbed his arm.
"T-That's why you need to tell me, w-where is Zafina?"
The nurses were about to push me down but this man stopped them. He looked at me so I continued.
"I... I don't want to burn in this hell anymore. Please tell me where she is... please. It already hurts too much. I can't take this pain anymore..."
He didn't answer, it seems like he's just studying my actions so I felt an intense rage inside of me. I started attacking him but the nurses were quick to stop me. I shouted and fought. I tried to reach for the damn man but he already left the room. Until I was left alone.
I lost my temper. I started punching the walls but I felt no pain due to the fucking foam. I started kicking the soft walls in uncontrolled anger, I even tried hitting my head unto it. Until moments later, I am already crying.
That became my everyday routine, someone's gonna check on me, I'll ask where my Zafina is, they never answer me, so I beg, but still get nothing in return, that's when I start attacking, but will later cry in despair.
I'm becoming tired, but not of her, I will never be tired waiting for her.
I looked at the male nurse who's currently tying my hands together. There's two more nurse stopping me from moving though I have no intention to move.
They forced me to stand up before pushing me to walk. I silently followed as my mind is not with me, I'm thinking how my Zafina might be doing right now. Is she doing fine?
Because I'm not. I miss her so bad.
"T-Tyler," a woman called my name after the nurses made me sit down on a monoblock chair.
I looked in front of me and there, I saw Zafina's cousin, Jamaica.
"A-Anong nangyari sayo? N-Nag-iba ka na. P-Pumayat ka na ng sobra, w-wala ng laman ang mga mata mo."
Droplets of water are coming out of her eyes. But what really caught my attention is what she told me.
"W-Will Zafina stop loving me if she saw me like this?" I asked full of worry.
She looked away.
"Nasabi ko na sa ama mo na nanatili ka sa tabi ko sa loob ng dalawang buwan." She looked at me once again. "A-At nalaman namin na ang tunay na pamilya ni Zafina ay matagal na pala siyang hinahanap. Kaya ang ginawa ng daddy mo ay
binigyan niya ng lead ang investigator ng pamilya nila patungkol sa kung saan mahahanap si Zafina. And it was a success, iyong kapatid ni Zafina ang nakatunton kung nasaan siya."
I immediately held her hand resting on the table. Her eyes focused on the rope around my wrist.
"W-What happened next? I-Is she happy now?" My mood lit up just by imagining how Zafina could be so happy now. "I wish I was there when she finally reunited with them. I want to see her smiling face." I smiled upon that thought. My baby is happy, she's now with her family, that's more than enough for me to be contented.
"O-Oo, magkakasama na sila ngayon."
"So when is she going to visit me? I want to meet her family, I'll tell them that I will never hurt their princess so they don't need to worry about that matter. I'll tell them how much I love her."
"Tyler—"
"And I'll ask her parents for her hands, I badly want to marry her. I'm dying to be with her in every chapter of my life, I can't wait for her to be the mother of my children. I'll make sure that she will be happy every second, every minute—"
"Tyler! Hindi niya alam na ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit kapiling niya na ang mga magulang niya ngayon!"
My forehead knotted. So what? "She don't need to know, it's completely fine with me, as long as I made her happy, I'm already happy. As long as she stays with me, that's already enough."
"P-Pero Tyler, totoong umalis na siya, kasama ang pamilya niya."
"You're lying,"
"No I'm not! You have to accept the truth! She. Already. Left. You!"
A nurse approached Jamaica and told her something as my mind start to form thoughts whirling like a tornado inside my head.
"T-Tyler, s-sorry, hindi ko dapat sinabi yun—"
"B-But why? W-Where did I go wrong? A-are my efforts not enough? Isn't she happy with me anymore?"
"Tyler—" I slammed the table between us before throwing it upside down. I was able to do it despite the rope strangling my hands due to my frustration!
"How could I live with this?! How could I live without her?! Fucking tell me!"
As I fucking expected, nurses rushed unto me. But my anger right now is unbearable. And so does the pain... It's so fucking unbearable.
How could she do this to me? H-How could she leave me this easily? Especially now that I need her... I fucking need her.
"T-Tyler, k-kinausap niya naman ako, eh. S-Sabi niya babalik siya."
I was suddenly taken aback. "R-Really?"
"O-Oo," she looked away, "sabi niya babalikan ka niya. Mahal ka niya kaya babalik siya para sayo. K-Kaya dapat magpagaling ka, huh? D-Dapat pagbalik niya wala ka na dito, dapat nakauwi ka na. Naiintindihan mo ba ako?"
"Yes! I will make sure of that. Did she say anything else?"
"W-Wala na, ayun lang."
I wide smile appeared on my face. I can't help but to laugh wholeheartedly as well.
I was happy, so damn happy, thinking that she'd go back for me, it makes my heart wanna explode in pure excitement and bliss.
And so I did what I have to. I waited for her— days, weeks, months, for all those times all I did was follow the orders of my psychiatrist as I wait for her comeback. Until those times turned into a year, that's when I realized she won't be coming back anymore. She lied. She probably found someone better already. That thought made my blood boil in rage, making me mad all the time, making me always cry in agony.
I suffered... so many fucking times. But none of those sufferings lessened my love for Zafina. Call me stupid, but I already lent my heart to her, I can no longer have it back.
That's why when I was finally cured, after two damn years in a mental hospital, I immediately worked to be successful. In that case, finding Zafina will be easier. And I succeeded, in becoming a well-known monster in business industry, and in finding the woman behind the reason why I worked real hard.
But everything didn't turn the way I want it to be, for she never wanted me back the way I want her back. She hates me, despises me, loathes me, and that hurts. It hurts that I am longing for her hugs and kisses while she's disgusted of it. But I didn't give up, heck! I never give up! I did my best to have her back, even though all her accuses hurts, even though all her words are like daggers burying in my chest everytime she pushes me away, it hurts! But I'm willing to take it all, take it all for her.
I will never mind the pain, for my Zafina, I will never mind begging again and again. Just like that day...
"... if ever I'll give in to you again, it will not be because of love, it'd be because of lust! Hear me? Just pure lust, Tyler, not love. You know why? Because I don't love y--"
"You're just blinded by anger! But you still love me! I know you still love me, Zafina!"
"Oh, c'mon, Tyler! Don't act as if you know my feelings more than I do! Because I'm sure, I clearly don't love yo--"
"No! Please don't say it!"
I quickly rushed towards her direction to hug her. I buried my face on her neck as I feel the fast beating of my heart. I was so afraid. "It'll break me more if you'll say those words. I'm tired of breaking again and again. Please don't crash me more. It hurts. It fucking hurts so much." I tightened my hands around her.
My lips are already trembling in fear. I want to cry so bad but I tried my best not to. Only Zafina can make me feel like this, like a weak and vulnerable man.
"Tyler--"
"Baby please no. Please baby don't say it. Have mercy on me."
I have never imagined myself begging for someone, I have never imagined that my mother's words upon me breaking my principle for someone I love will come true. I thought fighting for someone to love you is just a pure absurdity, but now, here I am, doing that fucking absurdity.
I can no longer count how many times I did this, begging and pleading. And I don't think I will ever get tired of begging, or so do I think.
Because the moment she pushed me away to Jamaica, I broke down. We were already fine, we already fixed things up, but fuck it! She was sorry for leaving me behind, but I think that's just it. She was just sorry, but she doesn't love me. Or maybe she did, but I guess that love already faded. How can she push me away several times without even thinking what I might going to feel? Can't she realize that it breaks me apart whenever she doesn't choose me? When in my case, I'll choose her, over and over again.
"Do you really even love me?" I asked her despite my shaking voice.
"Of course--"
"No you don't!" I broke down. "No you don't..."
I can no longer stop my tears from falling. My chest is clenching, so bad. I need to let this shit out or I might just explode anytime.
"You don't love me, Zafina. All you did was to destroy me." My lips trembled. "And we're not supposed to destroy the person we love."
I told her. I told her everything I wanted to, every pain, every heartache, every tear, I let it all out.
And I did what I believe is the best for the both us, I let her go.
"T-Tyler, d-don't do this please..."
"I have to, baby, I have to... I don't want to be selfish anymore, I don't want to encage you with a man you do not love. You deserve the best, I wish you all the best, y-you know that right? And I think that someone who could give you the best is someone you love truly, just like how I love you. I-it hurts doing this, damn it feels like hell! I feel like my heart is ripping apart! But I'm doing this for you. I want you to be happy, e-even if that happiness doesn't include me anymore."
"I-I'm putting an end to us..."
"We're over..."
"Baby... You're free now."
I turned my back on her. Yes, I did. But I know, the moment I let her go...
I still love her, I will never stop loving her.
I just don't want her to be with me if she's just guilty. I love her this much that I'm now willing to let her go.
P R E S E N T T I M E
Tyler Craig Smith's
Point of View
She can go on without me, while I can't. I fucking can't.
I stared at the gun I'm holding.
Bad intentions are howling in my mind. I don't want them to win. But I can't think of an answer why I shouldn't do this. All I could think is why I should do this.
I closed my eyes. Images of memories came rushing unto me. But none of those could stop me.
I raised my hand, pointing the gun towards my temple. I felt the cold tip touching my skin.
I think this is the end?
I don't want to end my life. No one wished to end their life. They just wish to end the pain.
My finger twitched to pull the trigger.
Before I heard a loud bang enveloped the room. I felt a strong impact.
I closed my eyes tightly. But no pain entered my system. I sighed, I think I know why.
"Am I too late?"
I opened my eyes to glare at Smoke. He was leaning at the door as he blow the tip of his gun.
I frowned. I was damn right. He was the one who caused the loud bang. He shoot my weapon before I could even shoot myself. That's why I felt a strong impact on my hand earlier, he fired my gun causing me to drop it. I groaned.
"Guess I'm not, you're still alive."
I glared at him more. This fucktard.
He ignored me, instead, he fished his phone out from his pocket before dialing someone which I am sure of that it's none other than my twin brother.
"Hey Tyron, your twin brother just attempted suicide again." He casually said as I throw daggers at him.
"Oh that would be a good idea." My forehead knotted with what he said. "Yes, tell her, see how she reacts." Fuck. What are they planning?
Smoke looked at me before smirking. Fuck, his wicked expression irritates the hell out of me.
He brought his phone back into his pocket before walking towards me to pick my gun.
"Suicide can eliminate the pain alright, but it also eliminates your chances to be happy once again."
"I will never be happy again."
"Give me one day. Just one day, and if you still want to die after that, I would even volunteer to bury a bullet on that stupid head of yours."
Confusion ate me more. What is his purpose for asking that?
"What made you think I have plans of prolonging my agony?"
"Because according to Romans chapter 8, verse 18, the pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming."
"What the actual fuck?! Since when have you been reading Bible?!"
"Tss. Just fucking agree! It's just for a day."
I sighed. "Yeah whatever," whatever his purpose may be, I still believe that I will never be happy anymore.
Maybe I still will, but not the kind of happines I'm feeling whenever I'm with her.
Smoke threw himself on the bed, and I know he's staying to watch for me just in case I attempted again.
Sighing, I stood up and sat on the couch. Now my suffering will have an extension for one day. Great, just great.
I closed my eyes before leaning on the couch. I just forced myself to sleep. This is my way of being temporarily dead, where there's no heartaches, no sign of agony.
I slept for I don't know how many hours. When I woke up, Smoke already left. Finally.
But I have no intention of killing myself again within this day, I know how to keep my word.
I went out of my room and went to the kitchen but I was suddenly alarmed when I heard a rustle nearby. I stopped to look around. I'm all alone in this house so there's no way someone else would create a sound, unless I'm not alone.
My eyes landed on the backdoor located here in the kitchen. My eyes dropped on the doorknob and saw how it move continuously. Goddamn, someone's trying to get in, huh?
Well, I don't mind being killed.
I stayed at my place, waiting for the door to open. And when it did, my eyes widened when a sac quickly covered my head. What the fuck!
Various of hands stopped me from moving, fuck, will this really be the cause of my death? Well, that's fucked up.
I stopped struggling. "If you're gonna kill me, just do it now." I declared despite the sac covering my head.
I felt a cold sharp object on my neck. I took a deep breath.
"Don't worry young man, this won't hurt. It will just send you to a deep sleep."
Deep sleep... I guess he's referring to death— wait up.
That voice is familiar.
"Maxwell?" I know I am not mistaken. That voice is from Maxwell!
"Fuck you, dude! I told you to change your fucking voice! You fucking idiot!"
What the...
"Chase?" I asked.
"Gago! Isa ka ring tanga, Chase Grant! Hindi mo rin iniba boses mo bobo!"
Wait what the fuck?! "Dark?!"
Why is Dark in here? And what the hell are they all doing?!
I started struggling again but their grip on me tightened. Fuck! I am totally not enjoying this shit they are doing!
"Enough!" Everyone stopped when Smoke's voice echoed, even I.
"What the hell is happening, Ashford?!" I asked in rage. And this sac covering my head is not helping!
"Let's just say, I won't be burying a bullet on your head. Tsk. Sayang."
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"Unfortunately, hindi mo na gugustuhing mamatay pa pagkadinala ka namin sa ninanais mong lugar, that's what I'm talking about."
"Quit beating around the bush! Where are you taking me?!"
"Oh, right, you want to know where we will take you." I felt the sharp object on my neck once again. Damn! Are they serious upon injecting that syringe on me?!
Hell yeah they are, they buried it on my neck. I groaned.
"Well then, since you have the right to know, we're taking you to your road to infinity and beyond."
My eyes started to become blurry. Fuck these assholes.
"Anong road to infinity and beyond?! Road to forever 'yun tanga!"
"Magkaparehas lang iyon!"
I can no longer absorb what they're saying. I'm starting to lose my ability to hear. The sac that used to cover my head was removed, but I can no longer see clearly as well.
I felt myself being lifted, I was placed into a soft space.
But before being taken by entire darkness, I heard someone whispered.
"Forgive me brother, just your queen's order."