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I woke up to the sound of people yelling. I could tell that there was an argument going on downstairs. I was able to pick out Susan's voice, but she was arguing with a male whose voice I didn't recognize. Could that be Bradleigh's dad? I don't think I've ever seen him around here.
The voices were progressively getting louder, but I couldn't hear what they were arguing about. I cringed and curled up into a ball on my side. Yelling always made me uncomfortable, but that might have something to do with my fear of loud noises. I sucked in a deep breath as I felt another flashback coming on. But this was different than my other ones. This was like flashes of multiple memories, almost as if my brain picked out a ton of memories and strung them along, jumping back and forth between each one like I was flipping through channels on a television.
I started backing up from the sight of my dad and Jerome arguing in the kitchen. The atmosphere was really tense and I could tell this wouldn't end well. I watched with wide eyes, as did my other brothers, unsure of what to do. Jerome turned away from my dad and cursed under his breath. Dad didn't like this very much and soon there was talk of an actual fight. I closed myself off from the details, getting more frightened by the second. My cousin Markie and I ran down the hall and hid in my room with the lights off. I sat on the floor and wrapped my arms around my legs. "I'm scared," I whispered. "Me too," Markie whispered back.
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I was sitting on my bed when my dad went down into the basement to do some laundry. I could hear that Wes was down there playing a video game. All the sudden, my dad started yelling at my brother and I flinched at the sound of the dryer slamming shut. I got up and walked into the bathroom. I was breathing deeply. Not again, I thought. I hated whenever my dad yelled. Yelling made me uneasy. I splashed some water on my face and looked at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were wide and my mouth was hanging open slightly as I tried to take steady breaths. The fear was evident in my features. I kept telling myself that everything would be fine, that I had no reason to be afraid, but the trembling set in. My dad kept yelling and Wes, being his naturally stubborn self, yelled back. It was so loud. I could hear everything. I just wanted it to stop. My dad stomped back upstairs and I winced as his door slammed and the hinges shook.
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I sat at the kitchen table, eating my pizza in peace. Wes walked in angry at something my dad did, something about not paying him the $100. I wasn't really paying attention, I was more focused on the book I was reading. Wes called my dad and they got into another one of their heated arguments. I only caught glimpses of the conversation. "Where's my money?!" "That's bullshit!" "What the fuck?!" I bit my nails the whole time, a nasty habit I developed, trying to calm my nerves. Please stop, I thought. There's no reason to yell.
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My mother walked into my room while I sat on the bed, surfing the Internet on my Kindle Fire. "Where's your father? I need to talk to him," she said. "In his room," I replied. She strolled out of the room and into my dad's room right next to mine. I pulled my knees up to my chest defensively. I knew there would be another argument tonight. That's all they ever did. If they weren't avoiding each other, they were arguing. The yelling started and I did my best to tune it out, but they kept getting louder. My breathing became slightly more frantic. I snatched my headphones off the nightstand and blared my music from my iPhone. I mouthed the words to my favorite songs and hoped the fighting would end soon.
I resurfaced from my flashbacks with a jolt. The yelling was still going on downstairs. My heart was racing and my breathing hitched as I struggled to stay calm. Why does this happen? Why can't I react normally? Why am I such a freaking baby? I started hyperventilating. My eyes were brimming with tears but I knew they wouldn't spill over. I struggled to calm my breathing, but it just came out as shallow pants.
I heard the french doors open and the sound of footsteps running over to my bed. I didn't look up as warm arms wrapped around my body. I was still curled up in a ball, so the person pulled me onto their lap and rocked me back and forth. Without looking, I knew it was Colby. Aside from the fact that he's the only person who ever enters from the balcony, he just had a distinct smell. It was a nice smell, and it helped calm me to know that he was there.
I buried my face in his chest as he whispered soothing words in my ear. I winced and had a sharp intake of breath as I heard the sound of something shattering on the kitchen floor and then angry footsteps before the front door slammed shut.
"I guess Jackson is home," Colby said bitterly. I gave him a questioning look. "Bradleigh's older brother. Him and Susan aren't in the best of terms. Ever since the accident-" He began to explain but stopped himself.
"What accident?" I asked, sitting up and climbing off Colby's lap.
He shook his head. "That's not my story to tell." I wasn't satisfied with this answer, but I didn't push him. Colby was staring off into space and I could tell something was bothering him.
"What's wrong love?" I questioned.
"This is the second time I've found you like this," he said, still staring at the ground. "Are you finally gonna tell me what's going on?" His gaze shifted to me and his blue eyes were filled with worry and another emotion I couldn't quite specify.
I sighed and stared pointedly at the wall above my headboard. "I miss home," I whispered.
"But it seemed like you were adjusting well."
"I know that. But I can't help but miss my mom and my brothers. I just keep getting these vivid flashbacks and they take over my whole body and I can't do anything about it. And sometimes these memories are good, but occasionally I get ones that aren't very pleasant, and these seem to be the ones that affect me the most. They're like constant reminders that I'll never completely escape my old life. It's like I left behind the things I loved and brought along all my problems." I sighed again and laid on my back, staring at the ceiling. Colby shifted his position to lay beside me. He took my hand in his and rubbed small circles along the back.
"But it will all get better. Soon they'll go away. You can move on, I know you can. You're strong enough to get through this. And you won't be alone."
"I know that.. It's just.. I still don't understand!" I yelled in frustration, tears pricking my eyes.
"Understand what?"
"Why he did it? Why he just sent me here, to a family I don't even know! He just dropped me with strangers! Does he even know who I'm with? I could have been left with a family of freaking cannibals or something!"
Colby gave me an odd look. "Cannibals? That's what you're worried about?"
I gave him a look that showed I wasn't amused and then returned to burning holes in the ceiling with my eyes. "No. I just don't understand how he could leave me with complete strangers. I mean who does that? Does he even care at all? He's not a father, he's just a sperm donor!" I let out all my frustrations and Colby listened patiently. He didn't say anything, he just kept rubbing my hand. And oddly enough, that's exactly what I needed.
"I want to hate him. I want to hate him for doing this to me," I whispered.
"But you can't," Colby finished for me. "It's not in your character. You don't hate anybody. I haven't known you long but I can tell that you're extremely caring and forgiving. So just forgive your dad and trust that he had a reason for everything."
The tears spilled over onto my cheeks. Colby brushed them away with the pad of his thumb that wasn't rubbing the back of my hand. This action was extremely calming. I loved the fact that Colby understood me so well. I didn't even have to say who I was talking about. He just knew.
I turned and looked him straight in the eyes. "You're amazing, you know that?" He just smiled at me in return.
"I almost forgot, I came here to say bye. I heard you're going to the Davis family lake for the weekend," Colby said as he got up from the bed, dropping my hand in the process. I got up as well and gave him a farewell hug. I was gonna miss him, even though it was only for the weekend.
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I carried my pink Vera Bradley bag full of my clothes for the trip downstairs and set it in the foyer. I sat on top of it and waited for Bradleigh and Susan. I was listening to music on my iPhone when Susan appeared from the kitchen.
"Are you excited for the weekend?" She asked me in her chirpy voice. I couldn't help but think back to her argument with Jackson, who I've yet to encounter. I didn't notice that I hadn't answered her question yet. "Is there something wrong dear?"
I decided I would just come out with it. "Why were you and Jackson yelling this morning?"
Her smile faltered and she sat on the bottom step of the staircase dejectedly. "Jackson's resented me ever since his father's death." I couldn't help but gasp, and Susan attempted to give me a small smile but it came out as more of a grimace. "Jackson was really close to his father. He blames me for what happened. I was the one driving the car, but it was out of my control. There was a big snowstorm. Mike and I were trying to get home. We didn't want to leave the kids home alone during a storm. Bradleigh was only four and Jackson was fourteen. We just wanted to get home."
I gave her a sad smile. I knew where this story was going, but I could tell she had come to terms with what happened and didn't need my sympathy. "You don't have to tell me all this."
"No it's fine, you're a part of this family now." Family. I internally scoffed. What's family? It's just a word. You may share DNA but you're not bound together, family can abandon you. Doesn't that just defeat the purpose? So why expect anything from people just because of a simple word? As far as I'm concerned, I don't even believe in the traditional use of the word.
Susan continued telling me what happened. "I wish I could be cliche and blame it on a drunk driver, but there really isn't anyone to blame. There was just black ice and I lost control of the car. For a while, I blamed myself, but I realized that I can't control nature. What happened happened; it isn't anyone's fault."
Bradleigh, who had been listening from the top of the stairs, came up and gave Susan a hug from behind. It was the first time since I had been there that she'd treated Susan like a mother. Something inside me warmed at the sight. It was nice to know that there were people who had a genuine love for each other. Whether I believed in family or not, it was evident that they still did.
"Anyways, let's get this show on the road!" Susan exclaimed with a slight chuckle.
The drive up to their family lake was a long one. I didn't pay much attention to any conversation going on. I just sat in the back seat and stared out at the landscape. California was so unfamiliar to me. As beautiful as it was, I couldn't help but miss all the hills and trees. At least Susan lived by the water, so that wouldn't change. In fact, the water was much prettier in California.
The closer we got to the lake, the more the trees started to look like the ones from home. Soon we were driving through the woods, and we pulled up to a nice, partially brick house alongside a sparkling lake. The lake seemed to stretch on for miles and even bent around the trees and out of view. It was an amazing sight.
Inside was even more beautiful. It reminded me of a modernized yet homey version of a typical log cabin. There were dark wood floors and wood paneled walls with comfortable looking furniture that suited the outdoors theme.
Being that this was a family lake house, there were kids running around and you could hear women laughing in the dining area. The back wall of the house was completely glass and revealed a nice deck where the men were. The balcony overlooked the grassy hill that the house was perched upon. The hill sloped down towards the lake. Across the lake were tall oak and pine trees. Overall, the sight was just short of breathtaking.
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After settling in and meeting all of Bradleigh's family, a thoroughly awkward encounter might I add, I finally got to retire to my room for the night. All of the "festivities" would start tomorrow, so Susan suggested I get a good night's sleep. I laid in bed but I couldn't seem to sleep very well. My thoughts kept returning to home and my resentment for my dad. And I resented him even more for affecting me from the opposite side of the country. I hated the fact that he invaded my thoughts when all I want is to move forward and live a happy life. Everyone has been so good to me so far, yet I can't seem to cut the ties I have with my father.
I threw the sheets off of me and sat up, abandoning all hope of sleeping any time soon. I decided to go sit outside and enjoy the night air for a while. Maybe the fresh outdoors would soothe my troubled mind. I padded across the wooden floors and down the stairs, wincing at every creak. I didn't want to wake anyone.
The cool night air was refreshing on my skin, and the millions of stars in the sky really took my breath away. I wouldn't mind living up here, or at least coming here more often. You will. You're a part of the family now.
Even in my mind, I sounded sarcastic when speaking of family. I appreciated Susan's hospitality, but I still found it hard to accept that one could just join a new family. As I already mentioned, family is just a word to me. I decided to clear my mind of anything complicated and just focus on the nature around me. I could hear the crickets in the distance as the breeze softly ruffled the leaves. The moon and stars made the lake water glisten. The whole scene was unreal.
I was so captivated by the world around me that I didn't notice Susan joining me on the deck. She leaned against the railing next to me and didn't speak for a few minutes. We just stared out across the lake.
"You know, I get it. I get that you feel out of place," Susan finally broke the silence. My eyes widened at her words. I didn't want to offend her after all she's done. "It's alright, dear. I expected as much. You're young and you've been uprooted from your family. I understand that it must be hard for you." I winced at the word family, which didn't go unnoticed by Susan. She frowned at my actions, as if my pain caused her pain. "I'm sorry. I get it now. Believe me when I say that you really are a part of this family. I didn't bring you here to overwhelm you. I brought you here to show that you mean just as much to me as any of my other children. And the family is really welcoming. They like you already, and they haven't even spent time with you. You'll fit in just fine," She reassured.
"Thank you Susan. That means a lot to me."
"And know that you can talk to me about anything. I can see that your problems are much deeper than just moving across the country. I can see you thinking sometimes, as if you're not really here. I'm always here to listen to you, and I may even be able to give you insight that a person of your age wouldn't have on their own."
"It's just.. my dad.." I started. I couldn't bring myself to explain all the way. Susan recognized this and enveloped me in a hug. I couldn't tell you how long we stayed like that, but the moment warmed my heart. It was exactly what I needed. Susan was exactly what I needed. This family was exactly what I needed.
As I laid in bed, attempting to sleep for the second time that night, one last thought crossed my mind as I slipped into a deep, peaceful sleep. Maybe accepting myself into this family is a good thing. Things are already looking up. I can feel it.