Harry has been acting weird. Weird to the point of Louis looking at him and see a seven years old Harry. So he’s been looking sadder than the usual and it’s been a while since Louis doesn’t make him laugh like he used to be able to do. And there are days when Harry needs to tell Louis that he wants to be alone. Again. Louis thought those times had become to an end but apparently they came back.
Of course Louis thought at first that this was the result of their conversation about Harry putting the option about liking boys. But Harry was okay in the morning. And the day after that. And the week afterwards. And even the month later on. But from a day to another he changed completely and Louis started to feel worried.
He still is worried. Now more than ever. For what it seems the hopes he had about Harry opening himself a bit more to him didn’t pass by it. Hopes. Harry doesn’t talk with Louis. Louis asked him twice what was happening and Harry basically ignored him. Louis knows he simply doesn’t want to talk and for much it costs to Louis, he needs to respect it.
But it’s hard. Too hard. Especially when he sees Harry faking, sees him trying his best to look okay so Louis doesn’t need to ask him what’s wrong so he replies the same old thing. It breaks his heart watching the beautiful boy giving him a smile and at the moment he looks away from Louis’ face it just drops. The way the comfortable silence turned to be the type of silence that makes Louis concerned. How Harry’s green eyes don’t shine so often especially because he hasn’t sleep well.
“Don’t you think it’s enough of study for today?” Louis asks looking at Harry who is in his desk while he is sat on Harry’s bed. Harry is probably stressed so Louis thinks he needs to rest and not study this hard like he does.
“You say that every day.” Harry says not looking back at him. He studied a bit as well. Probably fifteen minutes, it’s enough for him. He doesn’t like to study but he knows if it wasn’t for these study sessions with Harry he’d fail the year.
“Yeah but this time I’m saying this for your own good.” He mostly says it because he’s bored and can’t stand looking at Harry with his books while he’s looking at the walls. He doesn’t come at Harry’s house often but he knows all the details from Harry’s walls by now. Also, he probably eats all the food Harry has in the kitchen by how many times Barbara comes to his room bringing him snacks.
“How so?” Harry finally looks at Louis
“You look tired.” You look sad, Louis wants to say but it wouldn’t make sense.
“I’m not.” But Harry hears the words Louis wanted to say, so he answers at them instead as if he’d read his mind. Louis believes he does it sometimes.
“Okay.” Louis sighs and lays down on Harry’s bed “But can you lay down next to me for a bit now?”
There is silence for a moment and then he listens to Harry walking towards him. The bed moves and Harry’s presence next to Louis is warm and welcome. Familiar too. Louis looks at the curly haired boy – he definitely has curls now – and smiles just because he’s close to him.
“Thank you.” He whispers and doesn’t need Harry’s response. He wouldn’t get it anyway.
“Martin was expelled from school again.” Louis starts after some good long ten minutes with just the two of them enjoying the silence, – or the sound of their breathing – Harry is still looking up at the ceiling and Louis admires his features. It turns out not to be weird for Louis – and Harry doesn’t feel uncomfortable anymore – it’s just natural. “This time was because he got too nervous and threw the table around, shouting.” Harry doesn’t make signals that he’s actually listening to Louis. Somehow Louis knows he is but also knows that he’s not going to say anything. But it’s okay. He’s talking and Harry is listening to him and that’s what he needs. He likes it above everything “I thought he was going to hit me with the chair when I told him to calm down. He has problems. The teacher only told him to shut up and to try for the first time this period to pay attention. He doesn’t like when people draw him attention.” Harry hums just to make Louis sure he is listening “He’s too violent. I think it’s because he has problems at home with his parents. Don’t really know what kind of problems are. Hope it gets better for him because the way he behaves isn’t right.”
There is silence and Louis notices how tense Harry gets next to him “Yeah, hope it gets better.” Harry’s tone is calm and low as if he was speaking to the air.
“I remember on seventh grade having a girl on my class whose parents got divorced and she was calm and looked just fine.”
“It’s different for each person… probably.”
Louis looks at Harry attentively attempting to read his expression but it’s impossible “Hm, maybe you’re right.” He decides to say and a few minutes later he decides to speak again “You know my English teacher?” it’s a rhetoric question “You know that her class is actually the one I pay attention and like the most because she’s just crazy yeah? So yesterday we were, like, reading a text and she decided to-“
“Louis…”
“Yeah?” Louis looks at the side at Harry, still with a grin in his face due the story he was about to tell
“Like… I wanted to be alone.” Harry says, as simple as that. He isn’t cold nor harsh, he definitely isn’t but for Louis, god, for Louis those words hit him in a painful way.
He just, he is not used to it anymore. Listen to those words every day and now he has been listening to them so many times. Not this direct, no. Harry is usually softer with the way he tells Louis to leave like, I want to sleep because I’m kinda tired, Louis is fine with that, he wants Harry to rest properly or my parents are coming we don’t want to get in troubles, Louis understands. But these specific words… it’s almost as if he’s saying leave me alone.
“What?” He still asks because he wants to make Harry to change his mind. Louis doesn’t want to leave Harry especially in the times he wants Louis to leave. Those are the worst
“I-You... can you leave?” Harry asks leaving a sight escaping his lips after some long seconds with no response. Louis frowns and both sit up on the bed at the same time. Harry isn’t meeting Louis’ gaze and it’s probably because he knows how Louis is looking.
“Ouch.”
“I’m sorry.” He knows Harry is sorry but it’s still a pain in the ass listening to his best friend saying this “I’m sorry, Lou. I just want to be alone. In silence, okay? Please.” Harry speaks fast as if he was trying his best to cheer Louis up and make it not sound that harsh. To make Louis hear his point as fast as he can
“All right.” Louis says and maybe he is too dry and maybe he should have insisted with Harry and maybe make him talk to him and beg him – yes Louis is almost reaching this point – to tell him what’s been wrong with him because, damn, he’s his best friend and he cares so much that all this situation eats him on the inside. Even his bones hurt.
Louis crawls out of the bed and Harry watches him. Harry watches him but Louis tries to ignore or he’ll just embarrass himself. He knows that everything he says will be in vain, Harry won’t speak. He still feels like Harry doesn’t trust him and that’s not only pissing him off but also making him sad. Not to the point of crying, but to the point of throwing pillows against the wall and screaming under the blankets and that’s just worse.
“Lou?” Louis hears when he is picking his backpack and jacket from the floor. He turns around, a part of him hopes that Harry is going to talk to him, going to tell him to stay because Louis doesn’t want leave him, he wants to stay and hug Harry till he feels safe and okay and happy… oh Louis wants Harry happy. “I’m sorry.”
Louis nods “I know.” And me too, Louis wants to say but leaves Harry like he wished to because that’s what he always does.
~*~
“Why aren’t you with Harry?” Fiona asks him when she first enters the kitchen, coming back from work and sees Louis sat on the couch watching TV. It has no sound and Louis just spent an hour paralyzed looking at the screen.
“He needs space.” He answers dryly.
“It’s been a while since I don’t listen to that” she makes a weird face and starts taking care of the dinner.
“I know right?” His voice sounds raspy. Louis is mad. Not at Harry. At himself because he can’t help him and he almost does nothing for it. He does nothing because he knows Harry needs space and he just doesn’t want Harry to hate him and to ask him to leave for real.
Harry won’t do that but Louis doesn’t know. Louis doesn’t know how Harry feels.
“So what’s wrong darling?”
Louis sighs deeply and rolls his eyes. But then he remembers that his mother can’t read his thoughts and guess how he is feeling “I don’t know and that’s problem. I’m so worry but he doesn’t talk to me. He never talks. Since ever.”
“Maybe he doesn’t want to talk. Or maybe he thinks you’re not there to listen to him.”
“Are you kidding mom? I’m his best friend since always and he knows I care. I remind him that. I’m constantly trying to make him talk to me because I’m so worried. He’s getting worse and I don’t know what to do.”
“Tone Louis.” She warns him and Louis frowns. He didn’t even realise that he was speaking this loud. “Don’t you think it’s because of his parents? I mean, when wasn’t it?”
“I think that’s the reason. But even though he doesn’t talk. He never talks about them, just once in a while and it’s vague.”
Fiona walks towards her son, leaving what she was doing behind because that’s just the time to listen to Louis. She knows when he needs it the most and when he is just saying things with no sense, just to be noisy. This is not the time.
“Louis…” She sits next to him on the couch “You know I get to see Harry almost as much as you do. I don’t talk to him like you do but still. I like that boy a lot, you know it. When he is here I treat him as my son. Your father does too.” And he likes that, Louis thinks. Harry sees Louis’ house as his home because of that. It’s warmer and comfier than his. He is welcome. “He seems different since the first time you brought him here. God the boy barely looked at us and he hardly talked. And he is much better now. But I still see how sad he looks sometimes.”
“Mom…” Louis looks down his mother’s lasts words hurt him in a way he didn’t expect it to.
“Louis, I know you help him as much as you can but maybe he needs another kind of help.”
“What?”
“You know, someone he can talk with. He is so quiet, he has no friends except from you Louis. I don’t know how things at home are for him but I know they aren’t good.”
“What do you mean?”
“Louis!” She sighs “Maybe he needs to go to a shrink. Maybe he does need serious help because he is not okay.”
“What?” He repeats “He doesn’t even talk to me do you really think he is going to talk to a stranger?” Louis wants to laugh and also wants to tell his mother that she shouldn’t be saying these things. He won’t tell her to shut up because he knows she would slap him and tell him that she’s not one of his friends from school. “And Harry is not sick.”
“I didn’t say he is sick Louis.”
“So why does he need to go to a shrink?”
“A shrink is not for sick people Louis.”
“Uncle Patrick went there and he was sick.”
“He wasn’t sick Louis! He had some problems but he wasn’t.”
“You’re lying. You told me he was sick.” He doesn’t know the reason why his uncle went there he just knows he was kinda crazy. Harry is not crazy. Harry is not sick.
“Louis listen to me,-“
“No. You know what? Forget it!” he says and stands up from the couch. He ignores his mother’s words and walks upstairs to his room. On the way he sees Zoe looking at him weirdly but he ignores.
He always believe in his mother’s words, he always listens to them attentively. They’re like Harry’s ones. But this time he doesn’t want to. He ignores them and pushes them to the back of his head. He lays down on his bed and screams on his pillow by how frustrated he is feeling now.
It’s like something inside of him is suffocating him and when he tries to think of a way to solve things, to make everything all right, he sees all dark and he even stops breathing for two seconds.
He just wants to help Harry and prove to his mother that he is fine. And if he is not, Louis will make him feel better. Will make him happy.
~*~
It’s 7:30pm and Louis doesn’t want to have dinner so when his sister comes to his room, calling for him for the second time he throws the pillow in her face. She grumbles under her breathe but leaves Louis.
He takes his phone, which is rested above his pillow on the side since he is listening to music – the ones Harry told him about, he even has a playlist, sick – and opens messages to type
Are we okay?
That question has been filling his head since he shut the door from Harry’s room. The way he left and the way Harry told him to leave was weird and confused him.
After some long minutes Harry answers.
Yeah..
Not a usual answer for Harry. But it’s hard to believe that they are mad at each other. I mean, they never fought, they never really reached this point when Louis is laid down on his bed, having no contact with his best friend and wondering if Harry hates him or something.
Too much Louis.
He finally get his fingers to type another message, after being two minutes with them moving above the screen from his phone by thinking about what to say next.
Are you okay?
This is an important question. So Louis waits for the answer patiently. Even if Harry is not okay he doesn’t tell Louis he is. He never did it really, he finds a way to turn his answer to the other side, change topic, doesn’t answer or simply says the truth.
No.
So Louis waits.
And waits.
No response.
~*~
Louis feels weird by being under the sheets at 9:30pm on a Friday night, already trying to sleep, waiting to feel his eyes heavy. But the moment never comes. He usually stays on the phone with Harry, talking till he has sure the curly haired boy is asleep so then he can go to the computer till himself is sleepy enough so he can reach his bed and fall asleep right away.
He can’t be relaxed, he can’t fall asleep without first knowing how Harry is doing. It’s a habit of him and now he can’t let it go.
Maybe if he stopped listening to his playlist on his phone, on repeat, he wouldn’t be thinking about Harry this much. But that’s the thing. He can’t stop. And he doesn’t know if he wants to. Although he can’t stop thinking about how useless of a friend he has been all these years. And Harry might think the same as well. He doesn’t blame him but he didn’t want his best friend to think that way about him.
His mother eventually appears on his room minutes later to check on him. He tells her he’s okay but he’s a bit cold and doesn’t even bother to look at her. She tells him, that Carl and she are going to watch TV to their room so if he needs something to just ask. He won’t.
He stands up from the bed minutes later, although for him seemed to pass an hour. He walks towards his window and pushes the curtains to the side.
He can’t see the lights from Harry’s room on. Or he is sleeping – which is not probable because he always reads before going to bed, so sometimes when he and Louis are in a call he reads for him which is relaxing for Louis listening to Harry’s deep voice throught the phone– or he is not in the room just yet.
Neither of the things above are normal so maybe he is just laid down in his bed like Louis was. Maybe he is thinking about me, Louis thinks. He hopes.
Even though he didn’t get what he wanted, he keeps leant over the window. It’s opened and he’s sure he’ll never dislike the fresh air from a night like this hitting his face. Harry showed him how to enjoy it.
Probably a minute later he hears a noise echoing the dark street from their neighbourhood. He looks down and sees a shadow coming out from Harry’s house and running down from the stairs to the sidewalk. He knows that shadow.
Louis doesn’t even react at the sight he shuts the window and runs out of his room to downstairs. He doesn’t care about the noise he is making and what his parents will think if listen to the front door being opened.
In the moment he opens it, Harry is in front of him and he feels two arms being wrapped around his body and a head being shoved against his shoulder. He almost falls backwards by the loss of balance but holds Harry instantly almost by instinct.
He feels him crying. Louis knows Harry is crying but he doesn’t talk. He lets him be there in silence, holding Harry and thankful for knowing the fact that Harry choose running to him. He even reminds himself the day he ran to Harry’s because of his grandfather’s death and Harry held him. He held him like this and maybe now he finally notices how tall Harry got. But that doesn’t matter.
“Shh, it’s okay babe. I’m here.” Louis whispers, petting Harry’s hair. He finally has his boy in his arms and is being almost selfish thinking this way and not thinking first about the fact that Harry is crying even more after listening to Louis’ voice.
Louis knew Harry wasn’t okay.
He hugs Harry tightly before pulling away. He dares to look at Harry’s face and maybe that’s when it hits him. Seeing the green eyed boy with puffy eyes, wet cheeks and lips trembling is physically and emotionally painful. He knows this aching inside of him by now and he always hated it. He still hates. Now even more.
Harry wasn’t born to cry, he was born to be happy. Those dimples are there to be shown to the world and to everyone see how beautiful he is. But now Louis can see his own reflection in Harry’s eyes by how watery they are. He can see Harry’s desperate, sad and dead expression.
“Harry…” he whispers, his hands already in Harry’s cheeks cleaning the tears he can. Useless because they keep streaming down
“Ta-Take me in-inside.” Harry sobs and Louis just nods. Seeing Harry like this makes him want to cry. And he is. He’s crying on the inside and himself feels sad.
He takes Harry’s hand in his, making sure to comfort him by gentle touches and brushes the skin from the back of his hand. They seem like they’re moving in slow motion till Louis reaches his room with Harry by his side. He shuts the door behind them and he is expecting to sit on his bed with Harry, however Harry doesn’t reach there. He lets himself fall on the floor, sliding his back down through the door. He wraps his arms around his knees and takes them to his chest, putting his head between them.
Louis suddenly finds Harry smaller and he can feel his own expression falling down, his eyes sadly looking at the boy crying there. He doesn’t know what to do so he stays stood up there, playing with his fingers next to his body, his arms tensely stretched, looking at the scene. The only sound heard on the room are Harry’s compulsive sobs. Louis feels empty and once again, useless.
The anxiety he feels takes over him so it just takes some seconds for him to stop tormenting himself and say enough. He crouches down in front of Harry, in knees and with his bum sat on his own legs, and gently presses his hands above Harry’s hair to catch his attention.
“Harry, babe, I’m here.” He repeats his previous words, because Harry needs to understand them really well. His voice is so soft, sweet and caring and it’s so pleasant to hear. Harry raises his head to look at his best friends and once again Louis’ heart is squeezed inside of him by the vision.
“I-I’m so tired Louis… So-So tired” He breaks into sobs at the end of the sentence again and Louis is literally looking at Harry in sadness. His hands are now on Harry’s knees and he draws invisible circles on them, caressing the boy, making everything he can to relax him
“Do you… Do you wanna talk?” He chews the inside of his cheek and Harry doesn’t break eye contact with him, still with the tears streaming down his face.
Harry nods. He nods straight away, not giving himself time to think about what answer he can possible give “I want to Louis…” he answers now with words and Louis is surprised. Mostly relieved, but also surprised.
“I’m gonna listen to you then.”
“I’m tired of all the things that happen.” He starts and Louis doesn’t bother himself to feel shocked again by the fact that Harry doesn’t hesitate a bit when starts talking. It’s like he is just ready to let go out all the dark things he has inside. Louis keeps in his position, touching Harry’s knees and looking attentively at him.
“My house is a hell of a place Louis and I can’t escape from there.” Harry continues, voice hoarse and croaking. “My parents are so bad people, they don’t treat me like their son. They don’t care about me, they only care about their money and reputation. But… I don’t get why they just don’t leave me alone. They need to remind me how much of a loser I am, how much work I give to them and how much of a failure I will be in the future. Louis, I don’t get why they tell me those things, why they’re so strict. I did nothing to them, I don’t know why they don’t love me like your parents love you.”
“Harry…” Louis whispers and Harry probably doesn’t hear him because he keeps talking.
“They were fighting today. Well, they always fight you know? I wished they’d get divorced like the parents from the girl you knew. It’d be better for all of us. You know why we moved out to here? Because my father cheated on my mother. You know why they gave each other another chance? Because of money’s reasons. I get to know all of this by their fights. They don’t get along at all and I have to constantly listen to them screaming at each other. It’s the worst thing Louis because it never stops and the words they say at each other are the worst. You know the main reason of them fighting? It’s me. I am the reason Louis. They always find something to say. If I open my mouth to talk it’s a reason for them to shout at me. They can’t stand me and it’s been like this since I can remember. I don’t know if they ever loved me.” He makes a pause to catch his breath and clean the tears that are starting to fall harder by remembering all the episodes he has lived.
“Tonight they… Tonight they told me I was a mistake. That my mother wasn’t supposed to have me. That I was an accident and she should have listened to his mother when said to abort. Abort Louis. My parents had the courage to tell me they should have aborted me. You know how much that hurts? It’s so painful. Everything because tonight I had the brilliant idea to speak up and say that you had the right to come over when I wanted because you were my best friend. It was just because of that. I don’t understand what I did wrong Louis… I-I don’t… I don’t un-understand.” He starts crying again and Louis, mouth wide open by what he just heard, opens his arms to wrap them around the boy. It’s not a good position for them to hug since Harry’s knees are between them and Louis can’t feel his legs quiet well by the position he was listening to Harry but he doesn’t care. He needs contact with the boy in front of him or he’ll cry himself out by how sad he feels as well.
“Harry, I’m so sorry.” He whispers he doesn’t know what to say. There’s nothing he can say to solve things but one thing he knows. He hates Harry’s parents, he hates them because they made Harry this way. They make Harry unhappy. They don’t make their job as parents and that’s so wrong in Louis’ mind.
He wants to keep Harry. He wants to keep Harry with him in his house and never let him go. Louis wants to protect him from those two people who make him cry like this. Who were supposed to love him but instead say hurtful things to him. Harry says he doesn’t understand and Louis doesn’t neither. He has no answer for his parents’ behaviour
“Don’t be Louis…” Harry cries, his voice muffled by Louis’ body “Don’t be sorry. It’s all my fault. I don’t belong here. I’m not okay but it’s fine. I deserve it. I’m not okay… I’m not supposed to be here. I’m not-“
“Harry!” Louis calls his attention pulling away from the embrace and taking Harry’s cheeks with his hands. It hurts him listening to Harry saying this specially watching his state. He looks paranoid saying these things with a dead tone as if it didn’t matter. It does matter and Louis is worried sick with him. “Harry no. You belong here. You belong here with me. I want you here, I want you okay.” He presses their forehead together and closes his eyes whispering above Harry’s lips “I’m going to take care of you, you hear me? I’ll be next to you always I won’t let them hurt you. I’m here Harry. You see? I’m here and I want you with me.”
Louis doesn’t even notice a few tears streaming down his cheeks and falling over Harry’s lap while he talks. He doesn’t notice how tight he is grabbing Harry’s cheeks, afraid he is going to leave. He also doesn’t notice Harry’s fingertips on his cheeks cleaning the delicate and tiny tears away, as if he is admiring them and make sure they’re real.
“I want you with me as well.” Harry’s croaky voice is heard between them and Louis can even feel the words hitting his own lips by how close they are. They taste good and he wants to listen to more promises and to sweet words that make him happy.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.” They’re both with their eyes open and this time Louis tastes Harry’s green and watering eyes. They taste like love.
“No but…” Louis finally moves but only to sink his face between Harry’s collarbone and neck. He likes to be this close to Harry. Like this he is sure he is not going anywhere. He’s safe next to him. “I really do love you Harry.” His words hit Harry’s bare skin and it’s warm, soft and welcome “You’re amazing. I’m so lucky. I like the way you make me feel even when you’re nowhere near me. Just because it’s you. I’d like to say you’re like a petal of a flower. Delicate, beautiful and wanted. I know the petals from flowers always fall but you know what? I’m going to be there to catch you and save you. Because I just want to keep you. You taught me how to love things. How to love you. And I adore it. Promise you will be with me. Promise you will let me protect you.”
“I promise.” Harry answers “I promise Louis. Thank you.” And it’s his turn to wrap his arms around Louis. Harry kisses his temple, caresses his soft hair and sights. Sights in relief.
And they might or might not have fallen asleep like this and waking up the next morning with a backache but that’s not even the worst of their worries in that moment. Although they don’t care. They don’t care for a time and Louis helps Harry not to care as well just to try to make him happy. Not for the time he deserves but for the time he needs for now.