There is no real way to describe my whirlwind emotions in those terrible hours. I stayed in that bathroom, two locked doors between me and the man I knew loved me. I was petrified. My fear seemed to be some sort of holdover from my time with Alistair, a primal urge kicking in-a life preserving instinct to hide.
I knew Lex wouldn't hurt me. He had told me in no uncertain terms that I was the one person he would never lay a finger on; and yet I could not bring myself to open the door.
Lex's voice no longer floated through the walls. Wherever he was looking, it wasn't anywhere nearby. I hoped he had given up.
There was only one clear thought in my head; I could not keep living this way, afraid and trembling. I was tired of being weak, of entrusting my life to other people, over and over. I had to do something. I had to take control again, even if it was the last thing I would do.
There was a first aid kit under the sink, a full bottle of painkillers inside it, just the way I knew there would be.
The sound of the tap seemed deafening as it thundered against the porcelain sink. I put the plug in, let it fill up. I didn't have a glass, so my hands would have to do. I held my breath for a few moments, making sure Lex hadn't heard the water. There was silence in the house.
The first handful went down easily. The second was harder. My hand was shaking so hard by the third that half of them went tumbling to the floor. The fourth handful missed my mouth entirely, because my vision was blurring in and out.
I should have been sitting, instead of hunched over the sink like an animal. A stupid mistake. My legs went out from underneath me, bile rising in my throat. I landed hard, my cast cracking against the lip of the tub.
I must have miscalculated, or guessed wrong about where Lex was, because within seconds I heard footsteps. I was drifting in and out of consciousness, but I heard when he kicked the first door down, and saw the wood splinters go flying when he kicked down the second.
"Oh, shit." He swore, as he took in the scene. "No, Ruth. No no no."
I wanted to sit up, to tell him it was alright, that this was the best option. That I wouldn't be a burden.. That he didn't have to worry about me anymore. That he could go back to his normal life, whatever that was, but my body wasn't responding. With great struggle, I forced my eyes open, and managed to whisper, just barely.
"I love you."
Lex grabbed my chin, shaking it.
"Stay with me, Ruth." He said. "Come on. Don't give up. Don't you dare give up."
I let my eyes sink closed again. I was so, so tired. Everything felt silky smooth, like the edge had gone off the world.
"You have to stay awake." Lex pleaded. "Ruth. You have to stay awake. Please, baby."
I smiled a little, letting the blackness take over. It was nice, like a warm blanket being pulled over me, or being floated gently in the ocean. One by one, my limbs dropped away, until I was nothing but one thought drifting in a dark pool of stars.
And then there was nothing.
***
"Clear!"
A jolt went through my body, pulling me rudely back from the dream. My eyes flew open, cold blue light burning into my retinas. I was disoriented, masked faces swimming above me.
"She's awake." Someone said. "Ruth, do you know where you are?"
I did not answer, but instead leaned over the side of whatever I was laying on and vomited. The smell of disinfectant flooded my nose, and the blue scrubs surrounding me made me want to scream. I was in the hospital. Again.
"Do you know where you are?" Someone asked above me. "Do you remember anything?"
I lay back down and shut my eyes, ignoring them. Waves of dark crashed over me, and I allowed them to pull me away. I did not want to be alive.
***
The faint beeping of a heart monitor finally woke me. I lay for a while, my eyes closed, just listening. It was quiet, save for the whir of the machines, and the gentle, steady breathing of someone sleeping. The last vestiges of my dream swam around me; the warmth of safety, a fire crackling in the background. I couldn't pull it into focus, but I basked in it all the same.
There was a blue blanket tucked around me, an iv in my arm, and velcro straps holding my wrists to the bars of the bed. I tugged on them, making the bed rattle a little.
"You're awake. Oh my god, you're awake."
I jumped as a voice shattered the calm of the room, and shut my eyes tightly again. A warm hand enveloped mine, squeezing it. I felt a tear leak down my cheek, and then a thumb swiping it away.
"Ruth." Lex coaxed me. "Please, open your eyes."
I did, because I knew I would cry if I didn't. Lex was looking down at me, and to my surprise, I saw tears shining in his eyes, too. Guilt smashed into my chest like a bus.
"I thought I'd lost you." Lex said, his thumb stroking my cheek again. I jerked my head away, averted my gaze.
"Don't." My voice came out strangled. "Please."
He took his hand from my cheek, and let out a breath. My throat felt raw, but I kept the tears at bay. I could not hurt him any more than I already had. Silence bloomed, sharp-edged and deadly.
"I was so afraid." Lex whispered. "So afraid, Ruth. Afraid that you would die before the helicopter arrived, before the paramedics could help you. Afraid that you would die in my arms. Afraid that they would never let me see you again. Afraid that you would hate me for saving you."
He sounded so broken. I let out a choked sob, but I didn't turn back to face him. Bitter tears were soaking my hair, trailing down by my ears to wet the pillow.
"You're the only thing that matters to me anymore. Before I-before you came into my life, I had nothing, I felt nothing. I can't lose you." Something warm dripped onto my hand. I looked up in surprise. Lex was crying, his head bowed.
"I'm sorry." I mumbled, my mouth cottony. "I'm so sorry."
I wanted to hug him, but I couldn't move, not with my arms tied down. The guilt billowed inside of me as Lex looked at me, his face wet.
"I don't what I would do without you." He said, his voice thick. "I really thought I'd lost you, when I saw you on the floor like that-and then you wouldn't wake up."
"How long have I been out?" I looked at the clock on the wall, as though that would tell me the date.
"Four days."
A fresh surge of tears overcame me, hysteria rising in my chest.
"Can you untie me?" I asked, my voice small. Lex looked at my restraints, and hesitated. "I won't do anything stupid." I promised.
His fingers shook as he tugged the velcro apart. I caught a glimpse of the nearly-healed cut across the palm of his hand, shuddering as I remembered that horrible night.
The second I was free, I flung my arms around his neck, careful not to hit him with my cast. I buried my face into his shoulder, letting myself sob freely. We stayed that way until I was all cried out. Lex lowered me back to my bed, tucked the blue knit blanket around my waist.
"Can you at least tell me why?" He stroked my hair away from my forehead. I shook my head, shutting my eyes. "Ruth, you talked in your sleep."
I froze.
"You're not a liability." Lex pulled away, looking me in the eyes. "You're not a burden. You are not broken, and you do not weigh me down."
"I-"
He cut me off.
"No, Ruth. You're not. Bottom line. I can't have you thinking like that. Whatever I have done for you, you have repaid me a hundred times over."
I wanted to protest, to tell him that yes, I was, I was, I was, but the look in his eyes left no room for argument.
"Okay." I conceded.
"Okay." he said. "Give me your hand." He held out his hand, and opened the velcro cuff. I frowned, tucking my hand close to my chest.
"No." I said. "I won't do anything, please,"
Lex grimaced, and took my wrist lightly. I didn't pull away, and allowed him to lock them, one after another, back to the rails.
"I wish I could believe you, my love, but for now, this is the way it's going to be. I love you too much to risk losing you again."
Suicide Prevention hotline: 18002738255
A/N: i cried writing this :(((
if you're ever in crisis i am always here to chat or you can call the number above.