Obviously, the whole "staying in my room forever" thing didn't work. My parents let me miss a couple days of school this week because they understood how hard the break-up must've been. However, I had to tell them the reason why this break-up was so hard. Therefore, my parents know that I cheated on Derek with Asher... something I told my mom I would never do. They actually weren't that surprised. I kind of confirmed their suspicions when I came home from Asher's house while his parents were out of town that one time. They said that they "wanted me to make my own decisions and face the consequences of my actions. And that they "weren't always going to be there to tell me the right thing to do." However true that may be, I feel like they really should have slapped some sense in me on this one. I mean, they basically just sat back and watched me cheat on my boyfriend. Aren't parents supposed to protect you from doing stupid shit? And that's probably the stupidest shit I've done in a long time. Or probably ever. Yea, that's probably the stupidest thing I've done.
So, what have I been doing with my time off? Mainly wallowing in undeserved self-pity. As well as checking on my college applications. I understand that even though Julliard is my first choice, there is a possibility that I might not get in. I've already applied to and auditioned for multiple other theatre schools across the country. I've been accepted to NYU's Tisch program. As of right now that is my number two choice. New York is definitely where I want to be, especially since I want to be a Broadway star. And the Tisch program is one of the best in the Nation. And Broadway does hire a good amount of actors and actresses from that school. So, I could go there and still be able to get the training I need to live out my dreams. However, Julliard's acceptance decisions come out soon and I am desperately anticipating the results of that letter. I have also come to terms with the fact that Asher and I may be going to the same school once again. We'll definitely still be in the same town. I have no doubt about that. I want so desperately to run away from him and never see him again. However, no matter how big the city is, there is a strong possibility that avoiding him forever is something I will not be able to do. So, at some point we are going to have to put this behind us and be civil with one another. I don't want to pass him in the hallways or have a class with him and there be built up awkward tension.
However, as of right now, I cannot bring myself to talk to him. I know that a lot of what happened between us is my fault and my fault alone. For one, I was the only one of us in a committed relationship. He had no one that he was accountable to. He was not the cheater, I was. Secondly, with that being said, I can't exactly blame him for any of his actions. As previously stated, he was single. He just wanted to be with me again and I kept giving him what he wanted. I knew early on in our flirtationship that he had real feeling for me and that he regretted our break-up and I should have completely cut thing off with him right then and there. But I didn't. I allowed him to come back into my life and place down an emotional anchor in my heart, even though I was still in a relationship. I gave him so much room to wiggle his way back into my life. So, yea, I can't blame him for taking the chances that he did. I can only blame myself for allowing him the opportunity to come in and wreck my life again.... No... actually. I can't even say that. He didn't wreck my life. I wrecked my own life. I did this to myself. The common denominator in this whole mess is me. I am the one and true problem. Both of them are probably better off without me in their lives. I'm sure they will live happier, stress free lives. And maybe some time off in the future, when I've learned how to love someone properly, I can get into a healthy relationship with a guy and settle down and be happy.
But currently, I am no happy. Why? Because today is the first day my parents have actually forced me back to school. I don't want to be here. I never really want to be here. I actually really want to graduate. Graduation is so close that I can taste it. Yet, not soon enough where I can avoid my issues for that much longer. Though I've tried, my life as a turtle hiding in my room has come to an end. And the first set of eyes I see as I walk into the school are those belonging to Derek. His eyes held my gaze for a couple of seconds before he turned away and walked quickly down the hall. He said he wasn't mad at me, but I get him not wanting to talk to me. I wouldn't want to talk to me either. It still stung a little though. When I looked in his eyes I could see how much I had truly hurt him. The guilt was kind of eating me alive. I didn't know what to do. I had broken his trust. I had proven to him that what he was thinking when he entered this relationship was true. That I wasn't over Asher and that I couldn't love him as much as I loves Asher.
It took me until now to realize how correct that was. Fight as I might, I just couldn't stay away from him. I never got the closure I needed to move on from him. Then hearing him tell me that he still loved me and still wanted to be with me is what I had wanted to hear for such a long time. I let it get in my head and fester until I couldn't think about anything other than that. Until Asher was the only thing on my mind. So yea, I get it. I understand why Derek doesn't want to talk to me. I would not me upset if he never talks to me again. Not because I don't want him to talk to me, I do. It's because I don't want him to have to reopen that wound. I don't want him to have to relive the hurt that he must be going through. I honestly just want him to be happy... and talking to me isn't going to make him happy. He heard everything he needed to and he said everything he needed to say.
"That was cold. I could feel a chill from here." Clo said walking up to me.
"So, I'm guessing you told him." Jas added as she stood next to Clo.
"And that's why you haven't been at school." Clo accused while crossing her arms.
"Yup. I told him the night that we were supposed to... you know. But I couldn't deal with the guilt anymore. Asher stopped me in my regular practice room and told me that he couldn't live without me."
"He didn't!" Jas cut me off in shock.
"He did. Then I tried to throw back in face the whole, he broke up with me thing. However, apparently he came to my house after we broke up and tried to win me back."
"You never told up that." Clo's voice went up an octave as she said that.
"I didn't remember it ever happening. I was asleep. I didn't even hear a word he said. I asked his mom and my mom if it really happened and they both said yes. So, obviously, you can assume how fucking confused I was. I mean, apparently he was at my room door for 20 minutes trying to win me back, and I heard none of it." I shook my head, still not believing that it happened.
"So, you're telling me, that had you not fallen asleep you and Asher might still be together right now." Jas connected as Clo just stared at me.
"I don't know. That's what I've been trying to figure out for the past couple days. I keep replaying it back in my mind. I imagine what he could have said to me in that moment. I imagine him forgiving him and us actually putting in an effort to work out our problems. I can see it and I can feel it, but I just can't know for certain that it would have worked out. What if it wouldn't have? What if ever after he tried to win me back that it didn't work? Right now, I'd give anything to have that chance. Just the opportunity to work things out with him then, because I would know. I would know that if it didn't work out that it wasn't meant to be, but now... now I don't know. Now it's all up in the air. I will never be 100 percent sure that we are or aren't meant to be together and that's terrifying." I spilled out all my feeling right there. It was terrifying not knowing. Not knowing if out break up was the right decision or a mistake.
"Why don't you try to work it out now?" Clo suggested, but I just shook my head.
"I can't even look at him right now. I don't even want to be around him. I can't bring myself to talk to him. I'm so disappointed in myself. I can't talk to him. My brain is telling me that it was the right choice for us to break up, but my heart is singing a different tune. I don't. I just don't want to go there with him right now."
"You have to do something." Jas said before the school bell rang signaling the start of the day.
"I just need time to think. I'll talk to you guys later." I dashed away before they could say anything else. I walked into class right as Asher was getting on stage. Yes, I was a little late to class, sue me. I sat down as he opened his mouth to sing. His song of choice today, No Peace by Sam Smith. Interesting choice. He got to the bridge leading to the chorus.
"Will you show me the piece of my heart I've been missing?
Won't you give me the part of myself that I can't get back?
Will you show me the piece of my heart I've been missing?
'Cause I'd kill for you
And darling you know that." His eyes were closed as he sang and I could tell he was fighting get back emotions. I could hear in his voice. His eyes opened but never met mine.
"I used to find comfort in your arms
Caught up in the wonder of your charms
I'll cry for you, I'll cry for you
I'd lie for you, I'd lie for you
But I don't even know you anymore." As he those words he looked dead at me and I could really feel those words. I could feel him yelling them right at me. I could feel the pain that he was feeling. It hurt... I was hurt. Soon enough it was my time to go on stage. My song of choice was also a Sam Smith song from his recent album. It was One Last Song. I started the song how he ended his, looking at him.
"Maybe one day
I won't sing about you
I'll sing a song about someone new
But right here, right now
You are on my mind
And I think about you all the time
I'm sending a message to you
And I'm hoping that it will get through." I found this song the perfect fit because of the lyrics. I mean it's literally about singing songs to a specific person. This is something that I've been doing for a long time. This whole year actually. And hopefully one day my songs won't be to him anymore. Hopefully one day I can actually get over him.
"In case you hear this
Then know you're the love of my life
Want to tell you I'm sorry
I miss having you by my side
When you were mine." That... that wasn't a lie. At one point in my life, more recently than I would like to admit, Asher was the love of my life. He was everything I ever wanted. And I am... I am so sorry for everything that I put him through. I know this wasn't easy for him. I fucked up his whole healing process. I just ruined his progress of getting over me. He's in pain and it's my fault. It was because I missed him and wanted him close to me. I was selfish, and all this damage was my fault.
"When it was good it was bittersweet honey
You made me sad 'til I loved the shade of blue
I know you don't want to talk to me
So this is what I will do
Maybe you're listening
So here's one last song for you
Here's one last song for you." I know I told him I didn't want to talk to him and I know he probably doesn't want to talk to me either. However, I want him to know that I am sorry. I want him to know that I never meant for any of this to him. I need him to know that I loved him and only want to see him happy. And maybe one day he'll know that he will be happier without me in his life. He'll know he's better off without me. So from me to you Asher Reed, the boy who made me fall in love with him from the first note he sang. The boy who was the first and only true love of my life. This is the last song that I will sing to you. This is the last time I will hurt you.
One Last Song but it isn't the last chapter. There are still 2 more chapters left in this story. Will Lana get her happy ending? Will it be with Asher, or will she end up without him forever? Are they better not being together? Stay tuned as Casual Affair slowly comes to a close!