I've got my windows rolled down, the wind a welcome distraction from the doom fluttering around my mind like a sanity-eating tornado. I feel just on the verge of a mental breakdown. I can't believe I actually did that. I'd made sure not to put too much thought into my actions all day, and then the moment those letters passed from my fingers to Jamie's, I wondered if I'd made the worst mistake of my life.
Once he's read all twelve entries, I have a horrible feeling that everything will change. He'll either understand me in a way he never could have before, or he'll avoid me like a snot-covered child.
I come to a stop at a red light, dropping my head against the window as I stare ahead. It's only now that I begin to ponder what it is I'm really doing and why. We've got two months left before Jamie is out of my life—probably for good—so, what is all this effort really for? Especially when he'd undoubtedly rather ignore me for the rest of the year like he's already done so well.
I have a sick feeling in my gut the rest of the evening and even into the morning. I glance at myself in the mirror the next morning, dreading the day and it's barely even started. At least it's Friday, so after today, I won't have to see his face for an entire weekend. What a relief.
I twist my straight locks into a long braid that wraps around the back of my head, settling over my left shoulder and down my chest. I brighten my cheeks with a little blush, and a couple flicks of mascara before I make my way downstairs.
My mom's in the kitchen, scooping blueberry muffins out of a tin and setting them decoratively on a ceramic platter.
"Morning," she greets, setting the muffin tin into the sink and swiveling towards the fridge. "Drink?"
"Coffee," I mutter, dropping myself into one of the island stools and grabbing a muffin from the tray. A smack of flesh against flesh sends a sting through my hand and I drop my breakfast.
"Patience," My mom says, her narrowed eyes scolding me for attempting to eat without her. Then she's returning to the open fridge and rummaging around inside. A moment later she pulls out a carton and holds it up so I can read it. "Orange juice," she says, pulling two glasses from the cupboard.
"Coffee..." I moan, my voice, eyes, and lips all begging for the caffeine.
Instead, she just shakes her head, "Nope."
She hurries to place the food and drinks on the table, her eyes glancing up at the clock above the sink as she realizes how rushed we are. We eat in silence, though there's nothing tense or abnormal about it. If anyone ever doubted my relation to my mother, they'd only have to see our interactions with each other in the morning. I swear, getting more than three words out of either of us is classified as a miracle.
I help her clear the table once we're done, and snag my backpack off the floor as I hurry out to my car. I holler a 'love ya' over my shoulder as the door shuts behind me and then I'm hopping into my vehicle and hightailing it to school. Though, let's be honest, my version of 'hightailing it' means going five over the speed limit. Yes, I'm quite the daredevil (much sarcasm intended). Just another reason Jamie and I would never work out.
This thought only dampens my spirits further and I'm grateful when I arrive at school the moment the bell rings. I'm in no mood to socialize, and I know that Justine would call me out on my bad mood, which would only result in my bad mood worsening. There's just something so irritating about people pointing out the obvious. Like, I'm already aware that I'm cranky; no need to rub my nose in the fact.
It would be impossible for the day to pass any slower. But as it continues forward, I'm somehow able to leave my bad attitude behind me. It's not until the period before lunch that I realize what today actually is. I can't even fathom how I'd forgotten. With the level of obsession I have for Jamie, you'd think he'd be on my mind constantly. I guess I've just been so busy trying to avoid the guy today, that I forgot to think about him.
Now, realizing what Friday means, I feel an odd sense of excitement settle into my nerves. I'd been dreading seeing Jamie after giving him those journal pages, but I know it's going to happen eventually. I might as well get it over with. Besides, I can't help but be slightly curious about his reaction to them.
Since I'm actually looking forward to seeing him, I sense time begin to slow even more than it was before. Somehow, time enjoys slowing down during the moments when a person actually has something to look forward too. Finally, lunch ends and I'm anxious to get to the library. Today I've got things planned... they're stupid things, like twenty questions, would you rather, and truth or truth, but I have a good feeling that these silly games could help us make leaping progress in our relationship.
Also, I'm ready to hear his thoughts about my letters. I want—no, need—to know how he feels about how I feel. Those letters gave away everything. There is absolutely no hiding the truth from him now.
I like Jamie Gallagher.
And now he knows it.
Call me a coward, but I think my actions were brave. I may not have told him how I felt to his face, but opening up and letting him into those private moments of my life took a lot of guts. I, for one, am proud of myself.
When free period begins, I make my way down the halls towards the library and settle myself down in our usual spot at the back of the room. The two walls of books offer a good barrier between me and the rest of the people lounging in the library, and because of that, there's no way for me to know when Jamie has arrived until he steps into the aisle.
I get comfortable against the wall, pulling a couple pages of homework from my bag so I can at least appear busy when he shows up.
Only... he never does.
The seconds tick by, then minutes, and before I know it thirty minutes have passed. I'm wondering if he ditched me or if he just forgot. Either way, I feel ignored. I poured myself out to him in those letters and he doesn't even bother to let me know he can't make it to the library. Maybe he just doesn't know how to react to them yet, and rather than immediately reject me, he's taking his time to think things over.
Though, I can't imagine he'd ever care to spare my feelings that much. Truth be told, I think I scared him off. My forwardness in those letters ruined everything. It's not like he wasn't at school today. I know he's not at home sick. I've seen him several times throughout the day, so there's no denying that he's here.
He just didn't want to be here... with me.
When the bell signals us to our next class, my mood has once again deflated. By the time I return home that evening from working at the ice cream parlor, I'm ready to sink into my bed and never wake up. I feel miserable and embarrassed, though, I shouldn't really. My actions were honest and genuine. It's Jamie who's the coward and I plan to make my thoughts known to him the very moment I get a chance.
I find my dad lounging on the couch watching the local news when I saunter through the front door. I fling my backpack across the floor, watching as it hits the leg of one of the dining room chairs and comes to an abrupt halt.
"Bad day?" my dad asks, sending me an inquisitive look.
"Yup." I kick my bag just for good measure as I walk past it, my nose alerting me to food.
"Your mom's working late again," my dad calls, and I glance back at him to find him turned towards me with a childlike grin on his face, "so I ordered pizza."
I moan in pleasure just at the thought. "You are my favorite person today," I tell him, pulling a plate from the cabinet and plopping two slices onto it.
It's when I'm filling a glass with water that my ears catch the worried tone of the news anchor. I forget dinner for a moment as my feet are pulled towards the TV, my mind numb as I take in the woman's words. I'm telling myself over and over in my head that this can't possibly be what I think it is...
and then I see his picture.
Jamie's face pops onto the screen, a smiling, hopeful moment captured in a still-frame. But it's a lie. Because all the words pouring from the ladies lips are tragic and dark and empty. My rib cage sinks into my chest as I try to comprehend what's being said. It takes my mind a moment to center in on the news anchor, anxious to understand what's going on. Most of what she's saying flutters through my ears, unheard, but a few words stick. They rattle around in my brain as I drop into the couch beside my dad.
... student from Galena High...
... in a severe accident...
Unresponsive...
"Doctors have not provided any further details," the woman on the screen goes on to say, "All we know as of now is that the boy's condition is unstable and extensive surgeries are expected." Her face grows solemn as she pushes a stack of papers together, her eyes trained on the camera. "Our thoughts and prayers go out to the Gallagher family as we wait for further reports on Jamie's condition."
"Isn't that your friend?" my dad asks me as I zone out the rest of the news.
I simply nod, at a loss for words. My mind is racing with the information its just been fed. Jamie was in an accident that left him in critical condition. That's all we know. Whether or not he'll even pull through is unknown. It all feels so surreal.
We were only just getting to know each other again, and he might not even live to see the sunrise.
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Gosh, guys! Seems this is that big moment in the story. You know how I love adding heart-numbing tragedy into my stories... well, here it is. Next chapter will go back in time a few hours to find out what happened to Jamie. Prepare! The story's about to get a whole lot deeper, and sadder, and... romantic! :)
You think you'll have the patience to wait for this next update??? Lol