Come on I can do this.
I was standing at the end of my drive way contemplating if I should ditch this whole plan and go back to Jamie's house for a couple more days.
No I have to do this. I need to fix this.
I sighed running a hand through my hair and cracking my knuckles. A nervous habit I cant seem to get rid of. I slowly started walking up my drive way, hesitating every couple of steps. When I reached the door I grabbed onto the handle twisting it, but it wouldn't twist. I tried a couple more times before glancing down the drive way mentally scolding myself for being so stupid.
Elliot Black car wasn't in the drive way which meant he wasn't home. Maybe it was a sign that I should come back another time or I could just never come back and avoid this whole situation all together. I could almost hear Jamie's voice in my head telling me to stay and talk to him. Stupid Jamie and her stupid good opinions.
I walked around to the side of my house climbing up the familiar tree, Once I reached my window I lifted it up hoping inside. My room was exactly how I left it, with my messy bed and books scattered across my desk.
I didn't know how long I had until Elliot came home but at least it gave me some time to think. I just never understood why Elliot could be so harsh, when I was 11 I would have never thought this is what would happen to my life.
I fell onto my bed a sigh leaving my mouth. I picked up a picture of our whole family that was taken a year before mom was diagnosed with cancer. I looked at all our smiling faces as Elliot had his arm slung over my shoulder as I smiled laughing as he was messing with my hair, My face was scrunched up as tried shoving him away. I remember that day so well, mom wanted us to take one good picture so she could send it to all of our relatives. Elliot, Aidan, Xander and I kept bursting out laughing at the littlest of things. In the picture Xander and Aidan were laughing together and mom and dad had soft smiles on their facing as they starred at all of us.
We all had thought our mini photoshoot was a disaster until dad picked up all the pictures and showed them to us. That day had been absolutely perfect.
The more I starred at the picture the more I began to think until realization dawned on me. He is in so much pain, and I never noticed. He was always so cold, and hateful that I had never even thought.
He was as broken as me.
Elliot, my brother was shattered and he didn't know how to repair himself.
After all these years of thinking that he hated me, that he didn't love me, that he never wanted anything to do with me he was just sad and he didn't know how to deal with it so he took it out on his family. A part of me hates him for that but I still love him. Elliot, just like me had lost his mother. I had Jamie to help me get through this, but Elliot had no one. He did have Dad and our other brothers but I know Elliot to well, he is to stubborn to go ask someone for help. Me and him have always been so similar.
My stomach grumbled and I realize how hungry I am. Sighing I stand up walking out of my bedroom. Trudging down the stairs, I get to the kitchen getting out a bowl and spoon. I sit in the chair placing the objects down.
"Im so stupid" I laughed getting up. I forgot to get the cereal.
I walk to get a box of cereal. I decided on some good old Froot loops, I pour my cereal into the bowl and shove a spoonful into my mouth.
"You still don't put milk in your cereal"
I stiffened, not daring to look away from my cereal. I was so distracted from the food I hadn't seen him walk in. I stood up speeding towards the stairs, leaving my still not finished bowl of cereal on the counter.
Im not ready to do this yet.
"Im sorry Dove" Elliot whispered, as his voice cracked.
I halted in my step looking over at him, he was standing by the fridge starring directly at me. His hair was a mess, and he had large dark circles under his red eyes, it looked like he hadn't slept in days. I felt guilty about leaving, he just needed to take his anger out on someone and it happened to be me but I was still very upset about the whole thing.
"Dove..please just let me explain" he begged.
"I-I don't know what to say to you right now" I told him my voice thick with emotion.
He gulped looking down at his feet for a second, when he looked back at me his eyes were filled with tears.
"You don't have to say anything, just let me explain" He said.
I gave him a nod, telling him to continue. Elliot let out a breath of relief and started speaking.
"When mom got sick I did everything in my power to protect you from getting hurt. You were twelve and no one deserved to lose their mother at such a young age. I thought mom was going to get better, we all did but then Dad lost his job and Xander's job wasn't enough to pay for the medical bills. I tried getting a job, but I was fifteen and my birthday wasn't until a couple of months so nobody would hire me. Aidan was fourteen, and his paper route also wasn't enough. You didn't quite grasp that we didn't have a lot of money. I remember sitting in the car looking through my phone for any available jobs when you asked Dad if we could get ice cream. I was angry because you wanted to spend what little money we had on something so insignificant as ice cream" he paused taking a deep breath.
"That was the first time I consider that maybe we would have more money if you hadn't been here, but I quickly dismissed the thought because you were my little bird and I loved you dearly. Mom got more sick and Dad still didn't have a job, so Mom had to start skipping a lot of her treatments. You were oblivious to all the electrical bills and water bill coming in the mail, telling us we needed to pay. I was angry at you for that, for not trying hard enough to help out like the rest of us."
"Then mom died, and I was devastated. Maybe if we could afford to pay her medical bills she would still be here. I needed someone to blame, and that happened to be you. I regret it every single day. I thought that it was your fault that she died, that you didn't try hard enough when we needed more money. You looked like her too, the same black hair and blue eyes. I couldn't look you in the eyes because it just reminded me of her frail body sitting in the hospital bed. It wasn't until Jamie came over did I realize how much you had changed, and how much I had missed from you life. You had a best friend that I never knew about, You hang out at a bar to drink milkshakes and hang out with a lady named Beth, You graduated, You grew up Dove. When we were in the kitchen and you gave me a mug of hot chocolate, I knew I had been so unfair. I had been so hatful and rude towards you but you were still able to be so kind and caring and offer me that mug. I miss the days when we would watch horror movies together, and I got to feel all brave and protect you from the evil. I miss when we would pull pranks on Xander and Aiden, I miss making you smile and laugh. I miss you Dove and I've been an awful older brother and I will regret it for the rest of my life."
Elliot finished his speech, waiting for me to say something. I looked down at the ground clenching my fist as tears sprang to my eyes.
"I needed my brother" I started in a whisper, "My mother had died and I needed my older brother. When I stood beside her funeral bed and you didn't even look at me...I felt like I had lost my Mother and big brother that day."
"Dov-" I cut him off.
"Do you not think I noticed the way everyone wouldn't look me in the eyes anymore. The way everyone would grimace and flinch when I walked into a room. The way Dads eyes would tear up and he would have to walk away. I had a hard damn time looking at myself, Elliot! I was a walking reminder to everyone that she was gone, I was causing everyone more pain! All I wanted, and needed was my older brother and I didn't get him! When I met Jamie it was a relief, she could look and me and smile. She helped me get past the darkness and see the sunshine. I will forever be thankful that she was there when no one else was."
"But I undertand Elliot, you were in pain too. I can't be selfish enough to hate you for that. As much as I want to hate you, I cant. You needed your time, and Im sorry that I wasn't able to help with the money. I didn't have a clue we were struggling, no one had ever told me. I wish I could have helped you, I was so blinded by my own pain that I didn't see yours."
I took a step closer to Elliot looking at him.
"I forgive you" I told him. He blinked, stunned for a second before he let out a huge breath.
"Im so sorry Dove, Im so so sorry" he said.
I walked over to him and I hugged him, surrounding myself in his familiar woodsy smell. I let him wrap his arms around me as I sobbed. I held him for dear life, afraid that this was a dream and I would wake up on the floor again. He whispered he was sorry over and over again as he held me closer to his chest my tears soaking his shirt.
I had my big brother back.
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yay are we happy!!!
Tell me how you all feel about this, because I feel like I've been rushing this book and thats not what I wanted.
But I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and Im so sorry I haven't posted in a while. Exams are soon and they are stressing me out.
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btw thank you all so much for the 9000 reads!! I love you guys and all your support, you will never know how thankful I am for every single one of you readers.