I'm suddenly seeing her everywhere. I've gone nearly an entire school year without bumping into Lynn at all, and now, I can't stop. I see her at lunch, in the gym, in the library, in the halls. It's as if my mind is subconsciously searching for her and I can't fathom why.
I'll find myself catching her gaze, and watching in fascination as her lips tilt up into an almost bashful smile. Then she'll tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, drop her head—that secret smile still gracing her face—and continue on her way. She's never made an effort to approach me in public. She seems to understand that our friendship is still fragile. When people start seeing us together, they'll assume we've mended our damages and I'm not ready to let the world think we're all peachy.
It's Thursday afternoon when I spot her for the hundredth time this week. I'm walking to my motorcycle and I can see her in the distance. Her backpack is dangling from her shoulders as she cradles a textbook in her arms. She stops in front of a baby blue Honda Civic and throws her bag into the passenger seat before climbing in behind the wheel.
She leans her head back against the headrest for a moment, and though I can't tell from where I'm standing, I sense that she's closing her eyes. Exhaustion seems obvious in the slight slump of her shoulders and the way she doesn't seem in a hurry to start the engine.
"What ya doing?" a voice asks me seconds before a lanky arm is slung over my shoulders. I jump in surprise, smacking the arm off of me and swiveling around to face Drew.
"Leaving," I tell him, my tone bored so as to hide the unsettled worry in my voice at being caught gazing after someone I have no care for. I'd hate for him to get any ideas and start spreading rumors amongst our friends. "You?"
"The rest of us are feeling ice cream again."
I groan aloud. I'm not against the creamy dessert, but I'd prefer to limit the amount of time I spend with Lynn. If I keep showing up at her workplace, she might start forming strange ideas about my intentions towards her. Which, let's clarify... I have none.
"I'll pass," I say, grabbing my helmet and shoving it on my head before lifting up the visor.
"Your loss, man," Drew says with a shrug, turning with a wave as he saunters across the parking lot to his truck. Clarice, Dillon, and Penny are already there waiting for him, but when Drew shakes his head at their inquisitive gazes, Dillon throws his hands up at me in question.
I simply shrug, which he refuses to accept. I watch him jump from the running board of the vehicle and jog towards me.
"Dude," he says, "you're not coming?"
"No thanks."
"Is this because of Lynn?"
I hate that he can read me so well. Sometimes I wish I'd never told him mine and Lynn's history, but there's no going back now.
Again, I shrug. "Yeah. We've been talking lately, but I'd prefer to keep our chats limited, you know? I'm just not all that keen on starting where we left off."
"Okay," Dillon responds, nodding in understanding, though I'm not sure if he actually gets me or not. "So, you just going home?"
"Naw," I say. "I thought I might take the bike out to the dunes."
Dillon's eyes sparkle for a moment, his face lighting up with excitement.
"Care for some company?"
"Sure," I tell him, a smile lifting my entire spirit, though I'm unsure as to why I've been feeling heavy the last few days. I sort of wonder if it has something to do with Lynn awakening a pit of feelings I'd been avoiding. "I'm just gonna head home and pick up my gear. I could meet you there in about an hour."
"Cool."
Dillon hurries over to the rest of the group to inform them of his change of plans, and I watch him jog to his car before starting up my bike. The drive takes less than five minutes, but as I slow in front of my house, I spot a familiar baby blue car parked out front.
I park in the drive, swinging my leg over the seat and nudging the kickstand down with the toe of my Timberland's. I pull my helmet off, making sure to keep my wary gaze on the little car parked along the street. When Lynn catches my eye, she tumbles from her car, a smile plastered across her face.
She starts to make her way towards me and then, as if remembering something, pivots on her heel and returns to her vehicle. She opens the passenger door and bends over to dig around on the floor, and as a guy, I can't say I'm too disappointed with the view.
Lynn Sodawaan is most certainly not a child any longer. The curves of her hips are a clear indication of that. I clear my throat, shifting uncomfortably as I drop my gaze to the ground.
She turns just as my eyes leave her and I let out a sigh of relief. I'd have a hard time explaining why I was checking her out when I have no intention of pursuing her... at all. For all she knows, I find her repulsive. At least, that's how I hope she thinks I view her. I wouldn't want her getting some crazy idea that I like her simply because I find her attractive.
And let's be honest, she's pretty darn good looking. Though, I despise myself for thinking so. It'd be so much easier to spark up a friendship with her if she were hideous. But, my eyes like what they see. I hate to acknowledge the truth, but that first moment I'd spotted her in the halls after five years had nearly taken my breath away. Thankfully, my heart and my mind are in agreement about what they feel for her...
Nothing.
"I hoped you still lived here," she says with a smile as she makes her way towards me, a small package in her left hand.
"What are you doing here?" I can't keep the suspicion from my voice. It's not that I believe Lynn to have bad intentions, but she tends to innocently cause destruction and I have no intention of being blindsided again.
"I wanted to give you something." She stops a couple feet in front of me, her sandals scraping the surface of the concrete drive as she kicks at a small rock. Her face gives off every indication that she's relaxed and comfortable in my presence, but her inability to hold still says otherwise. She's nervous.
"What is it?" I ask, taking the offered package from her grasp.
She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, her lips pursed to the side as she fights a grin.
"Journal entries," she says.
When I simply stare back at her, a bubble of laughter escapes her throat and she takes a step forward, pulling one of the pages free from the bundle and opening it. I glance down to see her familiar, clean handwriting scrawled across the page.
"I wrote these while I was away," she explains. "I thought they might help you understand me a little better. I mean, it doesn't condone the way I handled leaving, but maybe if you see into my head a little, you might be more inclined to believe me when I say I'm horribly sorry for my actions."
I nod slowly, taking the opened letter from between her fingers and skimming the pages. It's dated December 24, 2012. It had been our first Christmas apart. If I remember correctly, this had been almost a year after she'd left.
"Don't read them now," she says, covering the paper with her palm and huffing in embarrassment. "Not while I'm here anyway." She laughs at her own flustered reaction before pulling her hand away and clamping her fingers together.
"Okay," I tell her, curiosity in my tone as I carefully fold the paper and align it with the rest in the stack. I watch Lynn for a moment, but her gaze is on my hands as I stand fingering the edges of her journal entries. "Why are you doing this?" I finally ask, unable to contain my own interest.
"Didn't I explain that already?" she questions in return. "I simply want you to understand me. I want you to know that even though we lost communication all those years ago, that you were never far from my thoughts." She pauses for a moment before a half smile lifts the edge of her lips. "I'll admit, some of those entries are embarrassing. You're going to learn something about me that you might not be too keen on learning, but I felt it was important. I need for you to realize how important you are to me."
I'm not sure how to respond, and when I fail to answer her, she nods once, her lips tight as she concludes that our conversation is over. Then with a small, 'gotta get to work. Bye,' she's turning back towards her car on hurried legs. I watch her pull away, my chest heavy with a mixture of emotions. It's as if dread and optimism are battling for dominance and I'm not sure which will win out.
I send Dillon a quick text, letting him know I'll be on my way to the dunes in about thirty minutes, and then I hurry into the house. Once I'm safely behind my bedroom door, I unravel the page that Lynn had opened for me just moments before. My eyes skim the date again, curious as to what was so important to her at that time in her life that she felt the need to record it.
December 24, 2012
Dear Diary,
I like it here. I think. But it's not home and sometimes I feel trapped. It's this weird feeling that I'm missing out on something bigger. I started 6th grade this year. My mom says we might be here a little longer than she first promised and she didn't want me to miss out on schooling. I'm angry at her for that. For giving me hope that I'd see Jamie again soon when it seems that won't actually be happening.
Friends have been pretty easy to make, but none compare to Jamie. I miss him so much. But, I don't think he remembers me. It seems like such a long time ago. All the memories we shared don't seem to matter to him. I cared about him and now I'll never have a chance to tell him that because he hates me.
Tomorrow's Christmas and all I want is to go home. I guess I won't be getting what I wish for this year. Even if someone did decide to wrap Jamie into a present, I don't think he would like that very much.
Ahhh. I just need to stop wishing. If only I could forget him as easily as he's forgotten me.
I stare at the last words of the page, my eyes scanning 'he's forgotten me' over and over until my vision blurs. It hurts knowing that I caused her that kind of doubt. If only she'd known the turmoil I'd been going through then. It was at that time I'd just been fully welcomed into a new group of friends—a bad group of friends. These would be the people that illuminated the path to my darkest moments... to my downfall.
And as much as I blamed Lynn for my stupid actions, I never had any clue she was suffering in any way. I'd always imagined her laughing with her new friends as she willingly shoved me to the back of her memories. Guess that goes to show how important communication is. If only I'd been there for her. If only I'd been honest with her, maybe we could have fixed our issues before they blew up in our faces.
I fold the paper back up, tucking it at the bottom of the stack before glancing at the time. I've got fifteen minutes to get dressed and fill my stomach before I have to leave. Curiosity is too strong at this point, so I grab another letter.
March 14, 2014
My heart hurts. I've been trying to accept my new life for years now, but I can't stop dreaming about my past. About him. Today though, all my dreams crashed into a pool of fire. He's got a girlfriend. He's official moved on. I've been replaced like a bad light bulb. That's how I feel. My light has gone out and now I'm nothing to him but a forgotten piece of rubbish. I guess it's time that I finally give up. I can't keep expecting him to wait for me... because there's a chance I'll never go home.
I allow my thoughts to linger on the idea of Lynn having a broken heart over a boy and a bitter sensation smolders in my stomach. I shouldn't care, and it'd be easy to pretend that I don't, but somewhere deep down, I think I do. I have no desire to start a relationship like that with Lynn. In all honesty, I've only ever viewed her as a friend, and my heart isn't giving any indication that that might be changing soon. So, to want her affection while feeling nothing in return is entirely selfish and unfair.
But it's that ugly feeling of being replaced that doesn't settle well with me. I don't want her to have another best friend. That's my title... and yet, I'm the one who ruined it. Had I just forgiven her from the start, this would never be a problem.
I sigh, plucking the next letter from the pile.
September 29, 2015
I kissed a boy today. It was my first kiss and it was entirely unexciting. I went to a party with a friend and we played spin-the-bottle. Just being there made me feel sick, but playing that game caused guilt to eat at me the entire time.
I felt like I was cheating on him somehow. I felt like I'd let him down by letting another boy take that experience from me. I'd always hoped Jamie would be that person. My first.
My fingers tremble for a split moment as I fumble to keep from dropping the letter. I just keep reading those words over and over again. I was the boy who didn't wait for Lynn. I was the boy who moved on. I was the boy that she had liked.
My mind swirls with this new information. All these years and I'd never had a clue. Ever before she'd left, Lynn had had feelings for me... at least, that's what her letters imply. I realize that my heart is pounding against my ribcage as I rub my hand down my face, clenching the life-changing letter in my other hand.
I know I should be getting ready to leave, but there's no way I can stop reading now. I've only got two more letters after this one, and I'm far too curious to put this on hold. I drop my gaze to the letter in my hand as I continue where I left off.
I guess it doesn't matter, really. It seems that I might never see Jamie again anyway. There's no point in wishing my life away. If anything, I should try to tear my thoughts from him and find someone else to capture my attention. I mean, there's always Will Birch, or Dane Appleton. They're both extremely attractive and nice. It doesn't hurt that Lyla is completely sold on the idea that Will's had a crush on me for months. I doubt it though. Guys don't like me like that. They don't flirt with me or make moves on me. I'm simply Lynn. That's it. Sometimes I wonder if that's why Jamie never saw me as anything more than his best friend. I've got nothing special to offer any—
The rest of the letter has been ripped away from the page. Seems Lynn didn't want me to see any deeper into her feelings, or maybe she realized how much I hate it when people belittle themselves and figured I'd had enough.
I flick the letter aside and grab the next one.
April 1, 2017
My grandma died today. Seems like a cruel April fools joke. I feel like I'd finally just gotten to really know her. I miss her. Death sucks.
Anyway, good news. Looks like we're finally heading home. Just gotta pack up my grandma's house and we'll be on our way.
Jamie, I hope you're ready for me.
One more letter. I slide the others into a pile and unfold the remaining page, smoothing it out on my thigh.
August 18, 2017
This will be my last journal entry. I sort of feel like I'm getting too old for this stuff. Maybe if I had something important to write about then I'd feel differently, but I don't. My life is dull. Especially now.
I saw Jamie for the first time today, and he looked right through me. It stung... a lot. I'd had so much hope that we could start where we left off. I guess it was stupid of me to think he'd moved on. Now, he loathes me. Obviously so. I don't even know how to approach him anymore. I mean, I'm not a shy girl, but there's something about the look in his eye today when he saw me for the first time. Pure disgust.
Guess I should have been prepared. His silence as these years should have been a clear sign. We're done. It seems that any prospect of friendship that I once held has died right there along with my heart.
Yes, dramatic. So what. I'm miserable today and I'm going to miserably hole myself up in my room with a bag of Doritos while I try to figure out my life.
Jamie Gallagher, I sure as heck miss you and I'm so freakin' mad at you for breaking my heart.
I drop my hand onto my comforter, my eyes glazed over as I stare unblinkingly ahead. Lynn's letter slips from my grasp but I barely notice. She never implied that she still held romantic feelings for me in this letter. Maybe she only wanted friendship now. Maybe she'd finally moved on.
I can't help the breeze of relief that filters into my chest. The idea of my old best friend being in love with me totally freaks me out. Even just a smidgen of hope that she might not feel that way anymore is enough for me. Ignorance is bliss and I plan on ignoring any possibility of Lynn wanting anything more than friendship.
I reluctantly pull my mind away from all thoughts of Lynn as I ready myself. I'm in zombie mode though, not really aware of my actions as I change, grab a banana from the kitchen counter, and hop on my motorcycle.
There's no denying what I have to do now because I refuse to be the total jerk who ignores his old friend's pleas for forgiveness. Whether she likes me now or not isn't the issue. It's now about moving on and patching up the holes of bitterness that my emotions have created.
Maybe giving Lynn a second chance—a real chance—isn't such a horrible idea.
----
Whoopie!! Another chapter posted! I felt like maybe this chapter is slightly more exciting to read than the rest simply because we get to see some emotion from both sides (even if Lynn's were written in letter form).
How do you feel about Jamie and his feelings for Lynn? Do you think there's any hope for them finding something deeper than friendship? :/