I hung back so she went first, then followed with an eye roll at him. He tugged my plain, boring, brownish hair and let the door shut behind us. Our footsteps echoed and we came out into the too-bright sun.
I shielded my eyes and saw a shady spot on the lawn, not close enough to get bitched at for breaking the no-smoking rules. I pulled off my hoodie and sat on it so the grass didn't tickle my bare legs. Running shorts were all I'd felt like wearing, though the mornings were beginning to get chilly.
Leif already had a cigarette lit and lounged next to me, crossing and recrossing his ankles restlessly. "Any change?"
I swiped the cigarette. "Other than the color palette that is his face, no."
She had shrugged out of her own jacket and was digging in her purse for a lighter. Leif offered his.
I gave him a subtle look.
He touched his fist to his chest in an abbreviated ASL sign for sorry. One of our friends in school had been Deaf so we knew a lot of signs.
She lit her cigarette, handed him the lighter back with a nod of thanks, and crossed her legs. Her red tank top had tiny circles cut out through the straps and a little V missing in the front, showing a more-or-less modest amount of the tops of her breasts. The super light dusting of freckles continued on her arms and down her shirt.
"I am smoking way too much," she said idly. She blew air out of her nose. "Like it matters."
"What's on head radio?" Leif asked me out of habit.
I ignored her quizzical glance."You Oughta Know," I said after I thought about it.
He shifted and pulled up some grass. "Are you chastising me or talking about the Alanis Morisette song?" He held out his hand.
I allowed him to smoke. "The latter." My phone buzzed.
Paramjeet. Any changes or murder charges?
No. Smoking with the enemy right now.
Whaaaaaaat???
I smiled. Yeah. As it turns out, she's done with him, too. He basically told her we were about to break up.
I hate him. I hope he dies. Sorrynotsorry.
I wasn't offended. She was right to be mad. Yeah, ikr. just neither of us feel right abandoning him to like, die alone or whatever.
Yeah right. You just want dibs on killing him first when he wakes up. I hope Leif is helping.
I glanced at him; he was touching the end of a blade of grass to the glowing cherry. He is, I told her.
Give him a hug from me. I miss his gloomy, emo, pretty face.
"Paramjeet says she misses your gloomy, emo, pretty face," I told him, smiling despite myself.
He handed me back the cigarette, the corner of his mouth quirking. "I'm sure she does."
I returned to my phone. I told him. He misses you, too.
I'm just on a snack break so I better grab a bagel or something so I don't turn into Mr. Hyde. Love you.
Good luck, Dr. Jeckyl. Love you too. I put the phone back down and gave him the last drag of the cigarette.
Halley was checking her own phone, her cigarette sitting in her fingers half-smoked. She raised it to her lips and inhaled, holding the smoke for a moment before letting it out. She put down the phone and her other fingers went to the bridge of her nose and pinched.
"Where are you from?" I asked, my voice too flat.
"Arizona," she said, looking at me as she spoke. "Phoenix." She looked back down at her phone.
"Family there?" Leif asked, and I was glad he was going to help.
She didn't look up. "Family nowhere, actually. My parents died when I was young."
We winced at each other since she wasn't watching. "Sucks," he said.
"I was hired for the expedition and I moved to Maine for it." She put the rest of her cigarette out.
I wondered if she was saying what it sounded like. "So you have nowhere to go back to?"
She smiled sarcastically. "Great plan, huh?" But her bottom lip trembled.
I looked at Leif like Do something. He widened his eyes at me, not appreciating the pressure. "I went by your house and made your sister feed the baby," he said for a subject change. "I put clothes on him too."
I made a face. "Thanks. That reminds me, I forgot to order groceries for them." I took out my phone and began jabbing items into the cart. Hazel's newest boyfriend would eat most of it, but I couldn't do much about that. Control is an illusion, and disillusionment is enlightenment, and I was the Buddha in that sense.
I felt her curiosity and looked up, catching her eyes on me. She didn't look away, though she obviously wanted to, and I respected that. She had nerve and it was to be admired. "My sister is a shitty mom," I summed up.
She nodded, switching her gaze to him, which made him squirm a little. "Truth," he put in, fishing the cigarettes out of my purse with a sneaky hand.
I slapped his wrist but he already had them. "We're smoking way too much."
He snorted as he lit one. "Or not enough."
She still looked at him. "It's so weird," she said, shaking her head.
"The twins thing?" He pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them, then immediately moved one hand up to his right ear to tug his gauge.
"You're identical, like, I can see it? But so different," she mused. "And not just the black hair and makeup."
"Being the favorite twin gives my brother that certain glow," he quipped, almost without rancor. "Our father hates my guts."
"Truth," I echoed him. I had watched The General berate and belittle Leif at every turn since we were kids because he wasn't the golden child like Caleb. Caleb, to his credit, hadn't taken part in it and had always defended him. Probably because he pretty much really was the golden child. "Mostly due to your non-conforming ways. And the blatant defiance."
"I never was any good at honoring thy father and mother." He handed me the cigarette. "It's hard being the black sheep of the family. The rebel. The misunderstood one." He sighed dramatically, being extra due to the new audience.
"You're dumb." I glanced at her while I blew out smoke rings, to see if she was amused by him, which would tell me a few things about her.
She was smiling, all fresh looking in the sun with no makeup. God, no wonder he'd fallen for her. She was kind of elegant by accident.
I sighed, my humor fleeing, and passed it back to him.
She suddenly jumped up and proceeded to leap around flailing.
We looked at her in astonishment.
She at once stood completely still, looking down by her feet. "Bee," she said, barely moving her lips. "I'm so allergic."
"Well, you're in the right place if you get stung," he told her, which is what I'd been thinking but had the tact not to say.
Her eyes were wide and her breath was coming in little gasps. "Oh my God, it's crawling up my shoe, it knows it can kill me," she almost moaned. It would have been funny had she not looked so frightened.
Because I am me, I got up, dumped the last three cigarettes into Leif's lap with a bunch of tobacco flakes, and knelt by her white Sketchers tennis shoe. The bee was busily making its way toward her pink ankle sock and I deftly scooped the fucking thing into the cigarette pack and closed the top. Bees didn't bother me the tiniest bit.
I walked farther than I needed to; the urge to laugh was almost beyond my control and I knew it was more of an anxiety thing than anything else but still, it wouldn't come across well. I tossed the bee out and it flew off the other way.
"Thanks, seriously," she said when I returned, her cheeks and ears pink. "I feel like a total ass but I really like breathing." She sat back down and I did the same. "I hate having to get the fucking Epipen shot." She shuddered.
Leif slid one of the cigarettes behind his ear and handed me the other two. I narrowed my eyes at him and he held a hand up between us so he couldn't see my face. "It's fine," I told her. I went back to the grocery shopping app.
"Sooo," Leif said, letting me know something else was wrong.
"Crap," I responded. "What now?"
"Pretty sure Charlotte and Joey are having the sex," he said wryly. "I caught them coming out of her room yesterday and they both looked guilty and smug."
"Shit!" I saw her questioning glance again, trying not to look like she cared, and realized it was rude not to fill her in. "Their sister, my brother. They're fifteen."
She winced. "Not ideal."
"She just turned sixteen," he reminded me.
"Right, that's much better, thanks." I rolled my eyes and motioned for him to light the jacked cigarette.
"You and Caleb weren't much older than . . . " he trailed off and bit his lip.
"Teenagers are stupid," I said scathingly, giving him an out. I added some popsicles and juice to the cart. "And that's why I take her to get the depo shot. We don't need more sibs having more kids, amirite?"
"So right," he said emphatically, giving me the smoke. "So, so, right."
She had that smile that was pleasant but confused.
"My sister has three kids," I said as an aside to her. "Which wouldn't be an issue if she were a good mom, but she's really just not."
"Ah," she said kind of lamely. The wind blew across us and strands of hair too short for the bun were blown across her face. She made a sound of frustration and brushed them back. "Growing out my bangs, which is taking forever."
"Same," Leif deadpanned of his inches-long hair, and was pleased when we both laughed a little. "So you're staying at a hotel, huh."
I knew he was trying to make polite conversation. But instead of with Caleb was implied and it was awkward. I wondered where he had planned for them to live. We had lived in an apartment together for years before he left, at which point I'd moved into a house I'd found. He was supposed to have joined me upon his return. Looked like it was now mine, all mine. Lucky me.
I couldn't play this game anymore just then. "I'm gonna head home, so if you want to . . . " I gestured up toward Caleb's room.
"Oh. Yeah, okay, thanks," she said awkwardly. "If you're sure?" She stood and brushed herself off.
I nodded and she thanked me and told us goodbye with an awkward little wave.
We watched as she stopped to help an old lady get a bag out of the trunk, and then again as she picked up an empty plastic Coke bottle and tossed it into the recycling can.
"Jesus fucking Christ, dude," I said in dismay.
"I kind of see why he loves her," he said absently, his eyes on her.
I punched him, not lightly. "Wow," I said, hurt. "I seriously can't believe you just said that."
He winced bodily. "I'm sorry, Tug. That was fucked up."
"This is why you don't have friends," I pointed out, which we both knew was true. It was also a low blow. "Because you have no filter."
"Touche," he said with half a self-deprecating laugh. "I'm an asshole. Seriously, I didn't mean it in any comparison to you at all. You know I think you're the best."
I did know, but still. "I hate you sometimes." I got up. "I mean, really? And are you just thinking with your dick, or did you mean the whole package, or what?"
He groaned. "None of the above, I swear, I'm sorry. I am."
I snorted, shaking my head.
"Don't be mad." He rose too, taking his beanie from his jacket and pulling it on.
"I'm not," I half-lied. I couldn't stay mad at him for being himself.
"She's trash. I hate her," he continued, wrapping his arms around me even though he half expected me to push him away.
I let him hug me for a minute. "Yeah, yeah."
My phone rang as he let go. I sighed and looked at it and sighed again, because it was my sister.
songs in this chapter:
You Oughta Know (Alanis Morissette)