3 weeks later
(warning; the vampire diaries s8 spoilers ahead)
To my surprise, Bonnie, Caroline and Elena had somehow managed to remake my old bedroom, the one that had been destroyed in the fire, everything was pretty much the same except with a modern twist or 'Caroline's final touch', which made it look a lot better than I remembered. I was also still amused by the fact I could finally use the words 'I remembered...' and actually mean it, after not being able to, for the longest time ever.
Bonnie had somewhat lifted part of the spell, at least regarding Mystic Falls and my friends, I'd regained every single one of those memories back... well, most of them. The 'running away and fracturing my ankle' bit, had messed with the whole 'getting my memories' back process or at least that's the conclusion I'd come up with, because when I asked Bonnie about it, she seemed doubtful if I had actually started to get my memories back to begin with, her reasons being that she didn't feel the magic of the spell draining away as she did whenever she figured Kai was giving me my memories back.
Not that it mattered, since she offered to lift the spell completely as soon as we were left alone, the only condition being to wait a fews days so I could go under some sort of 'magic cleanse' since she sensed there was something wrong with her spell from the second she saw me. Though, the cleanse didn't exactly work; still Bonnie offered to undo the spell once again but... I refused.
Not long after I got my phone back, I called him, I knew it was probably a mistake but the urge of hearing his voice once again was stronger... to my disappointment, the number had already been disconnected, and after trying to contact him over and over again for the next few weeks, I finally allowed myself to think the worst.
I broke his heart... there was no other way to put it, and... Kai, being Kai, was probably going to make sure he kept his promise... meaning I was never going to see him again. So when Bonnie asked if I wanted his memories back, I refused, because I realized I was going to have to live with fact that I'd let him go.
Someone who I was supposedly in love with... was now someone I was probably never going to see again because of me and I couldn't forgive myself for it... so I was back in the same situation where the real me had probably been a few years ago. Kai was good as dead, and my old self had decided to erase every single trace of him because mourning him became too unbearable, undoing the spell meant getting all those memories back... all those feelings back... and knowing that this time I was the one who let him go... well, I couldn't live with that.
So I decided to play pretend, to live in my own lie, knowing there was a missing part of me that I would never allow myself to regain, it was what it was and I could either feel sorry for myself for the rest of my life or I could make the best of it, trying to rebuild my life seem like the better option.
Bonnie later found out she couldn't access my memories of Kai because there was something else messing with her spell, which explained how it had gradually become more twisted. I was supposed to get my memories back the day Sage ripped the necklace off my neck, only none of us knew there were traces of a much darker magic in it placed by an unknown source, that's why she did the magic cleanse on me, to erase whatever traces were left but since I didn't get my memories back after that, we realized it didn't work but it explained a lot of things, like the the other voice inside my head, it had been caused by it.
Back at the cemetery and the hospital, whatever was messing with my head, made sure I did the impossible to end things with Kai in the worst way possible, the voice had also disappeared the second after he did.
At this point I didn't even know what to believe but the more Bonnie told me about that 'strange force' that had manipulated me into breaking things off with Kai, the more my anger grew towards it and I became obsessed with finding out who was behind all of this, so I could make them pay for it.
It was funny and sad, actually, how I've criticized Kai for being driven by his thirst of revenge and now I was doing the exact same thing. Also figuring out who was behind everything, was the only lead I had to find Kai, it was a start, more like a breadcrumb, but I was going to take it, so I began investigating any dark-magic-related incident. Turns out, there was a lot of weird stuff happening around in Mystic Falls that I didn't knew of, and not the weird kind we were used to.
Not long after I'd met the twins, Alaric asked me if I knew how to contact Kai. I wasn't the only looking for him... all of us were, but Alaric and I seemed like the only ones who were trying to get a hold of him for much more civilized reasons, and not just to kill him or lock him up in a prison world. Apparently the twins magic was going haywire, at first Kai helped when they captured him after he got out of hell and for a while it was enough, until they began acting out again a couple of months ago, getting worst with each day that passed.
The twins, two cute little angels, who I'd gotten attached with in less than a week, and just like Caroline said, they were already very attached to me. Though, they had a lot of nicknames for me that Caroline didn't even know about. I had somewhat become their unofficial babysitter, so I got to spent a lot of time with them, though whenever I was with them, it always felt like they knew something I didn't, as if they were hiding something from me, but I shook it off, knowing I was probably playing tricks on myself.
"Madsy?" Josie called out my name and I looked up at her little angel face, as she stopped coloring, the first few days I couldn't ignore her resemblance to Jo... which only made my heart ache, she had her same eyes and hair... and that also reminded me of Kai, but I learned to look past it, because I know that's the last person her biological mother would've wanted me to associate her daughter with "can we go to- to- mommy's after?" she asked sweetly, and I gave her a slight nod.
"Of course, princess, I'll just send today's report to Dr. Anderson" I told her giving her a smile, and she nodded excitedly.
I somehow ended up working as an assistant in the school's psychology department, turns out Kai was right all along, the compulsion had made me live in a lie back in London. The down side of forgetting about someone who meant a lot to you? You lose a part of yourself. Once I got some of my memories back, I realized I'd completely gotten my profession all wrong, my real passion was psychology.
That's what I was studying before I'd moved to England, so I decided to finish what I'd started, thankfully I recovered most of my credits so in a year or less, I was going to be the first psychologist in the Gilbert family. Working with kids motivated me even more, Caroline was always highlighting the importance of the children's mental health, they were already going through so much, knowing that they had someone to give them emotional support to get through any supernatural or human situation, made things slightly better for them.
"All done, Josie" I said getting up from my desk and she ran towards the couch to get her little backpack, handing it to me so she could put on her coat "Ready?" I asked her, grabbing my coat and I opened the door for her afterwards. She walked out, extending her hand out to me so I would hold it but as soon as I did I felt a burning sensation and I tried to hide the pain as much as I could.
"Madsy I'm sorry... I didn't mean to Madsy" Josie apologized, her lower lip trembling as her eyes began to water.
I knelt down in front of her, shaking my head "No, don't cry, it's okay" I began to reassure her, the guilt in her eyes broke my heart "hey, it's okay, I'm okay. I barely even felt a thing, it was an accident, don't worry... it wasn't your fault"
"But 'ts was" she mumbled in a sad tone and I pulled her into a hug.
"It wasn't your fault, Josie" I corrected her pulling away "you're still learning to control your siphoning, and accidents happen, it's part of the learning process" I stood up once again, extending my hand out to her and at first she seemed a scared to take it, thinking she'd siphon me again but I gave her a reassuring smile and she took my hand, a wide smile grin drawing on her lips when she saw I was fine "See? Nothing, you're getting the hang of it" I told her proudly and she smiled at me excitedly.
"Best babysitter in the entire world" I heard Caroline's voice behind us and Josie ran towards her, hugging her legs tightly.
"Well, I learned from the best" I chuckled as Caroline hugged Josie, picking her up.
"You and all the kids I babysat, can relate" she teased with a proud smile, making Josie and I chuckle. Caroline placed Josie down and leaned down to talk with her "why don't you go find Daddy and Lizzie in his office? we're going to that pizza place you two like so much"
"can we watch the pizza mommy?" Josie asked and Caroline gave her a slight nod.
"Of course we can, sweetie" Caroline said in a high pitch but Josie looked up at me confused.
"can Madsy come?"
"Actually Madsy and I need to discuss something first, but I'll convince her to join us" Caroline answered giving the girl a soft smile and Josie walked towards me, pulling my coat so I would lower my head down to her head's level.
She then covered her mouth to whisper something in my ear "Madsy, boobear wants to stay with you" she said a low voice so Caroline wouldn't hear her, even though she had vampire hearing, which made my heart melt. Josie opened her backpack and took out 'teddy bear number #4' or now currently known as 'boobear', though I had to admit that name was much better than 'number four' "Remember he hates sleeping on his own"
"Noted, I'll also remember to give him a goodnight kiss for you" I said with a smile and she giggled, shaking her head in disagreement.
"I don't kiss boobear goodnight! But I guess you can kiss him" she chuckled, giving boobear and I a hug before running down the hall.
"How did the session with Bonnie go?" I asked Caroline on a more serious note and she sighed a bit disappointed.
"Not good, their magic keeps resisting Bonnie's help or anyone's for that matter," Caroline said frustrated and I frowned.
"We'll figure something out, Care, like we always do. We always find a way, even when there isn't one" I reassured her and she gave me a thankful smile.
"I'm sorry for always making you babysit, I know you're studying and working and I even made you join the founder's council, you already have so much on your plate" Caroline apologized but I interrupted her.
"Don't, it's okay, I love spending time with them and to be honest, having a lot on my plate it's just what I need right now" I admitted, without getting into too much detail.
"And they love spending time with you, and we love that you spend time with them" Caroline added, but she suddenly seemed oddly nervous, as if she was hiding something and I slightly squeezed my eyes at her "Fine, don't tell Ric that I told you, but he's kind of 'studying you'?" she disclosed, a bit doubtful and I frowned confused, unsure of what she meant.
"'studying me'?" I asked her and she covered my mouth, hushing me and I removed her hand "He's not a vampire, he can't hear us"
"His vampire-best-friend, is" she reminded me, fixing her coat and she let out a sigh before continuing again "Remember those 'weird stuff that's happened in Mystic Falls' files you borrowed from him that came from the Armory's unique collection?" she asked and I gave her a slight nod "And you also remember that one time when Lizzie and Josie had been setting things on fire all day but they magically got it under control once you came over to babysit them?"
"They didn't magically get it under control, they were just tired by the time I got there" I argued, beginning to feel uneasy at where this conversation was heading.
"They always seem to control their magic when you're around, at least that's what Ric said, he keeps tracks of the days the twins magic goes out of control and the day Bonnie told us you were at the cemetery, their magic was completely under control and the morning of the day after that too,-"
"I'm not the reason why their magic goes all haywire or not, if that's what he thinks, besides what does that have to do with the files?" I said in a dismissing tone, I wasn't exactly thrilled about adding something else to the list of things I'd done to ruin the twins' lives. The guilt was already eating me inside whenever I saw them or mentioned their name, and now Ric thought I was the one to blame for their magic problem too.
"Not entirely but you can't deny there's some truth in it," Caroline said and I lowered my gaze "but he's not doing this to blame you or make you feel bad, he's just trying to find a way to help the girls, we all are" she continued and I looked up at her once again, a bit confused of what she was trying to get at "so after Ric read the Armory's file on you... he came up with a theory, or sort of... he believes you might be able to help more than you think"
"Of course, I'll do anything for them, he doesn't even have to ask" I concurred with her and she smiled widely "what do I have to do?"
"He wants to know everything that happened with... Jo's twin," she paused and I took a deep breath, giving her a slight nod, not mentioning his name had somehow become a thing around here, which actually helped with coping "I know you don't want to talk about it but—"
"It's fine, I'll talk with him tomorrow" I interrupted her, faking a smile and I hoped that she didn't pick up on it.
"Thanks, Maddie" she said, giving me a hug "it'll be okay" she added in almost a whisper and I broke the hug, nodding "you should come with us, it'll be fun" she offered with a smile and I would've said yes, like I'd done many times before but tonight, it just didn't feel right.
"I can't, I wish I could but I'm already behind on my readings" I excused myself, and she pouted "next time, and Bonnie, Elena and Jade, can come to have a girls night"
"I'll hold you to it," she promised with a chuckle and I nodded.
"Goodbye Care" I chuckled and she laughed, waving goodbye until I couldn't see her anymore.
Ric and I... well, things weren't exactly the same between us when I came back, unlike everyone else, he had been pretty blunt about his thoughts on the situation. He was a father now, he had to look out for the safety of his children, and I knew the twins magic going out of control didn't exactly help with his paranoia.
So when he accused me of being a spy for Kai and a threat to us all, I took it lightly, because I knew there wasn't much I could do about it. He associated me with Kai, his number one enemy, the man that killed his wife and tried to kill his children but I knew there was something else he was hiding from me, something that made him resent me even more.
At first he seemed reluctant about letting me be around the twins or at the school too, he kept an eye on me and treated me as if I was his enemy too. Then the girls made him change his mind about me, I guess he also remembered that underneath of it all, we were once family too, maybe a pretty dysfunctional one but still and he went back to being his old self, though a lot more understanding and soon I realized that he had guilt and sadness for a life time too, just like I did.
...
Living at the Lockwood mansion had actually turned out a lot like living back at the Whitmore dorms, even better, it was like being around family. We had movie nights, barbecues, and most importantly, we had each other. Maybe it got chaotic from now and then, but it was ten times better than being alone with my thoughts, they were there for me and always tried to cheered me up, something I appreciated a lot these days, more than they even imagined.
"Any luck today?" I asked entering the studio, which had somehow become our headquarters when we weren't at the Armory, and Bonnie's home-office.
"He's good at blocking locator spells, runs in the family" Bonnie said in a light tone and I gave her a half-smile, I knew this was her way of making things easier for both of us and I was more than grateful that she at least tried to understand.
"We could try again" I offered and at first she seemed hesitant, but she gave me a slight nod.
I raised my hand up, extending out to her and she removed the gauze around it "twice in one day, did something happen?" she asked in a concerned tone and I shrugged.
"No, nothing but the more we try the better, right?" I answered in a sympathetic voice and she frowned, her look of concern deepening "for the twins sake"
"You don't have to lie to me, Maddie, I can't exactly tell how you feel but I can give you a pretty good guess" she said giving me a reassuring smile and I sighed, unsure of what to say, mostly because I really din't feel like getting into it.
"I'm not lying, Bon, I'm fine" I clarified, without too much emotion as she took the letter opener and made a little cut on my palm. I hissed a little as I watched the unhealed scar opening up once again "wish those magical herbs worked faster"
"It's not vampire blood but it's something, I could magically heal you after we do the spell" she offered and I nodded lightly "how's your ankle?"
"The bandage it's kinda itchy but it's definitely ten times better than having a splint or cast" I answered and we moved over to the desk, where a big map was placed, surrounded by candles and herbs.
"Can I ask you something? Well, more like I'm gonna do that thing where I ask you something and give you the answer" she said as she stared at me cautiously and I gave her a nod "You said you didn't want Kai to heal you but when Damon and Caroline offered you their blood... you didn't take it... because it's the only thing you have left of the time you two were together... the pain... it tells you that it was real"
I lowered my gaze as I felt my eyes watering at her spot on conclusion "I know it's insane... and I'm trying... to stop feeling the way I do about him... I'm trying all the time... but I-..." I cut myself off to prevent my voice from breaking and Bonnie gave me a reassuring look.
"You know, you don't have to act so tough all the time or pretend you're ok, if you miss him... so be it, we love you, it's not like that's going to change" she said giving me a warm smile and I shook my head in denial.
"No, no... it's fine, I don't want to miss him... it's wrong, they wouldn't—"
"Maddie before all of this happened... I thought you were insane for loving him, I convinced myself that he had magically make you fall in love with him or you were going through a phase" she admitted, and took a few seconds before continuing again "but then... Enzo happened... and I finally understood what it was like... to be loved and love so deeply that the essence of life itself changes, and you can't imagine your life without that person because they're part of you as much as you're part of them"
"Bon... I'm so sorry, I've been saying all this stuff about—"
"Maddie, there's something you need to know... about Kai" she began, the mention of his name triggering the unbearable pain in my chest but I fought it off, focusing on Bonnie "When I lost Enzo... I became desperate and obsessed with bringing him back... like you did... what you don't remember is that you asked for my help, when you lost Kai but I-... I refused"
"I told you that he deserved what he got and maybe he did... but then Stefan took Enzo from me, like I took Kai from you... and I hated him for it, I cursed him to be human again but you... you never lifted a finger against me," She said with sadness in her eyes "So when Kai got out of hell... I really should've called you and given you your memories back but I didn't... anger got the best of me, I was broken and hurt... and then Kai snapped again, and I remember thinking... that he didn't deserve to be back and I somehow took some of the anger I had on him, so I locked him up in a new prison world knowing it was his worst fear and before I left... I told him you were alive, moving on without him... I'm so-so sorry, I —" but I don't let her finish, instead I wrapped my arms around her, giving her a tight hug.
"Shh, it's okay Bon, I'm not mad at you... you did what you thought was right" I reassured her and I broke our embrace, giving her a soft smile after I did.
"We'll find him, Maddie... and I'm willing to put our differences aside to get your memories back, I know we can" she said in a hopeful tone and I nodded gently, knowing that even if I don't believe the first part of that sentence, I can try to, if that makes her feel slightly better.
"So let's do this before this wound gets any worst," I said in a playful tone, trying to lighten the mood and she chuckled, carefully grabbing my wounded hand.
Bonnie closed her eyes and she squeezed my hand gently, causing some of the blood drops to fall on the map "Phasmatos Tribum Nas Ex Veras, Sequita Saguines," she began to chant, as I stared at the map carefully "Ementas Asten Mihan Ega Petous" she continued and repeated the spell a few times but just like yesterday, the day before that and so on... nothing happened.
"Have you tried to do this with the twins? Kai's their uncle, whether Ric likes it or not, he—"
"We have... we've tried everything" she said in a defeated tone and she walked towards to me "have you found something of his? or remembered where you buried him?"
"No... everything's gone, maybe the real me put it in a safe? and he even took the bracelet he gave me for my birthday... he left without a leaving a single trace behind... and my blockage isn't helping" I sighed frustrated, even though I'd lost hope on the spells after a while, the heartache I felt after seeing the spell not working, was still the same as when it first happened "Are we sure there's nothing else we can do to trace him?" I asked for the hundredth time, since we first started working on locating him.
"The tracing spell didn't work, probably because he lost all connection to the linking spell he placed on you when he died, if he hadn't we would've been able to trace the source of the magic and we also would be able to use that spell if we knew how to use it against whoever gave you that mind blockage" she began explaining, it was almost a habit we had developed... going through every single spell possible to make sure we didn't miss anything the first hundred of times "we also don't have any object or anything that belonged to him, so we can't use that, he's also blocking us so that disqualifies at least 90% of the spells we can use and for the only spells left we need the blood of his parents, access to his ancestors, his remains—"
"And we have none of those things" I concluded, and she grabbed my wounded hand, closing her eyes as she did "Bonnie?" I said and she opened her eyes once again, "we never really talked about the linking spell" I added,staring at my now healed hand and she began wiping the blood off the map.
"I'm still trying to figure out what kind of linking spell it was," she said cautiously and I frowned at her "I don't know how to undo it, Maddie... which means you'll be stuck like this forever if we don't find a way to lift the spell" she confessed, in an apologetic tone and I sighed.
"I know... best case scenario, Katherine finds a way to kill me, right?" I joked faintly and Bonnie stared at me sorrowfully, "I need to find some humor in this, Bonnie, otherwise I'll have to deal with the fact that I might have to live in a nightmare for all eternity and I don't want to do that... I can't, not yet"
"We'll find a way, okay? I lifted Kai's spell on Elena and I, it's just a matter of time until I find a way to undo yours" she reassured me and I gave her a smile "the reason why I keep channeling you to find him, is because I believe he's still somehow connected to you, he told you he knew how to undo the spell and he could've undone it by now, but he hasn't, he might also be blocking that connection so we can't find him"
And Bonnie's theory gives me a kind of hope that maybe she never intended to but I couldn't stop myself from doing so "and why would he do that?"
"Maybe he's giving you some space, finding a way to undo the compulsion spell, once and for all, do you really think he'd give up that easily? After everything he's done to be with you? Maddie, he got out of hell, for you!" Bonnie answered firmly and my heart skipped at beat, it was the kind of reassurance that really made me believe that I was possibly going to see him again.
"I need to get my memories back, so he knows I care... so he knows I-" but I don't allow myself to say it, not until I know for sure I'll see him again "that I feel something for him... any new ideas on how to get them back?"
"One" she answered with a smile on her face and I stared at her excitedly "it's Alaric's actually, he thinks he found something in the armory files that can help us"
"He did?" I asked pretending to be surprised, because I didn't feel like discussing the conversation I had with Caroline about Ric, and listening Bonnie's take on Ric's 'plan' seemed a lot more useful. Bonnie opened one of the desk's drawers, getting some files out, and she placed them over the table.
"So you died in 2014, you were dead for ten months, then I had a dream about you and Kai... weirdly, and I found myself sleeping on your grave, we dug you out and some of the heretics siphoned some of the spell, which woke you up" she began, taking some pages out of the file, building some sort of timeline "you were with us for a while, then you left—"
"I thought you said you gave me the necklace before I left" I said staring at it and she nodded "so I asked you to put the spell again on the necklace but I didn't use it"
"No, I couldn't do the spell. We needed Damon but he was sort of dead at the time, then he came back and you saw the twins being born, for some reason that memory hasn't come back yet... maybe you associated it with Kai so much that it became a memory about him?" she continued, going through the other file and she took out another page "then I placed the spell on the necklace again, but you changed your mind and left, still I convinced you to at least take the necklace with you in case you decided you still wanted to use it and by this time the armory was already on you but you didn't know, yet you somehow managed to stay hidden..."
"What is it?" I asked as she stared at the page thoughtfully.
"Which you couldn't have done unless you had help, but the ghost-version of Kai couldn't have known about the armory, so we're possibly missing something" she added, going through the pages again in case we missed something and I joined her.
"In that three year gap, well two, if we don't take 2015 in consideration since you said we talked like twice, and Ric and Caroline saw me but then I disappeared... and we know I was trying to get Kai back, and under the gemini-herbs influence..." I paused, remembering the strange dream I had back at the hospital and I narrowed my eyes at her "you're right... there's someone else involved in all of this... I remembered something back at the hospital, I'd completely forgot about it because of the morphine and painkillers, in the memory I was with Kai... his ghost, looking for a witch or warlock who could help me contact his real spirit"
"Do you have any idea of who would that be? Do you remember a face? name?" she asked but I shook my head, a bit dissapointed.
"Maybe they're the ones who are after my mind blockage?" I suggested but the most off-the-rail possibility crossed my thoughts and I actually sat down to process it. Or maybe, they were the ones trying to help me get my memories back... the one who'd left the traces of agrimony, they didn't necessarily have to be the bad guy or girl of the story and besides, like Kai in the dream said, if they were helping me they had to be on my side or they fooled me, and pretended to be on my side.
"Maybe it was someone from the armory?" Bonnie said and I hummed thoughtfully.
"Or someone Rayna told about me? You did say she knew and said weird stuff about me" I commented, hoping this time she wouldn't shut the whole Rayna subject down.
"No, she wouldn't have," Bonnie answered firmly and I raised my eyebrows at her, so she would elaborate on it "she was first after you because she wanted to hunt more heretics and at first she thought you were one of them, for some reason, probably because you came back to life and you were dating one, maybe she thought Kai turned you? But then she realized you weren't a vampire but she said you did right in staying hidden from her and the armory"
"Who were interested in me for the exact same reason and then they captured me and everyone thought I was dead but then you and Damon found me and sent me to London because of what she said, even though they weren't such a big threat anymore" I concluded in a dubious tone and Bonnie stared at me hesitantly "if you were trying to keep me safe, I get it and maybe that's why you also decided to take my memories of Kai away, because you knew I wouldn't stop looking for him but I know you're lying about what she said and I don't understand why, not after everything we've been through"
I knew guilt-tripping her into telling me the truth wasn't fair but every detail mattered "All Matt told us is that Rayna said there was a reason why you couldn't die and that we needed to keep you hidden, she didn't say why and she died before we got the chance to ask her... you'll have to ask Matt if she said anything else"
But I don't like that option because Matt and I... well, it was a complete different story now, "do you know why she would say that? was it because of Kai?"
"That was our best guess but know that I look back on it... I don't think that's what she was talking about, neither does Matt" she answered and I knew I had no other option but to ask Matt about it, if I really wanted to know what exactly Rayna said.
"But that would mean... Kai's spell isn't what brought me back to life... maybe we should just focus on what we know and go on from there" I said beginning to feel a little overwhelmed at the possibilities behind that statement.
"We have to figure out who the person helping you was, they might know something about Kai or at least lead us to him" Bonnie said firmly and nodded in agreement, running my fingers through my hair, as I tried to think about this new 'who'.
"I'll go through my stuff again, in case there's something there" I said and I began to head out the door "Bonnie?" I called out her name and she looked up at me, "any clues on Katherine?"
"Nothing, but Maddie..." she paused, clearing her throat and the hesitant look in her eyes made me think she was still deciding about telling me whatever she was about to say or not "we think they're together... they were teammates before Kai decided to turn his back on her... I just thought you should know, before you found out in a bad way..." and all I'm able to do is nod, I don't even say goodbye or feel myself walking towards my room, but I do feel myself opening the sink of my bathroom, so the water would drown out the noise of my sobs and it doesn't take me long to realize that it's coming from the real me... the pain and the inconsolable crying... because to her, it meant that there was a possibility that her Kai, was out there somewhere with Katherine, doing something they'd probably done before... and that just completely broke her... as much as it broke me.
...
Maybe I'd been doing it all wrong this entire time, and Damon's theory about how Kai and Katherine were probably somewhere in Europe... naked... planning their revenge under the sheets... well, that was enough motivation for me to try the whole 'moving on' thing differently. So I decided to take a page out the compelled-me book and focus on the bad stuff instead... so it would hurt less. I knew the whole 'hating him, so I don't love him' plan, was completely ridiculous but I guess I was tired of crying myself to sleep and knowing that this was all my fault... if I went down that road, it wouldn't end well for me.
"Juliet, you're not even paying attention" Iris pointed out and I apologized "unless if it's because you're thinking about Matt, carry on"
"Matt? Why? Did something happen?" I asked confused and she laughed.
"Well played, seriously, I don't know what's taking you two so long" she said, taking a sip of her drink "he really likes you and he's a good catch—"
"Matt and her? that'll be a blast from the past no one wants to see" Damon interrupted her, showing up from somewhere.
He then stood next to our table and I raised my eyebrows at him "Damon"
"Juliet" he said in a playful tone and then he looked at Iris hesitating for a moment "Ir...ene"
"Iris" she corrected him, rolling her eyes at him and he laughed it off,which was a little strange, since every time that happened Damon made a punny remark about her 'hunter's' hostility towards him.
"is everything okay?" I asked with a chuckle and he scoffed.
"Pft, obviously" he said ironically, giving us an awkward smile.
"Then why are you weirdly standing at our table looking nervous" Iris answered, crossing her arms over the table.
"Just good old me, checking on my favorite clients" he said awkwardly, which made Iris and I exchange looks.
"Are we under attack?" Iris asked him concerned, quickly placing her hand on her back as if she was about to take something out but Damon stopped her, covering her back with a menu and then he smiled at the few people who had looked our way.
"Maddie, a word, before buffy the vampire slayer kills us all" Damon requested, giving Iris a mocking look and she smiled in an apologetic way, which only made things funnier.
I stood up from the seat and followed Damon to the back of the Salvatore bar, he then stopped by the back door and checked if the area was clear "Damon, you're freaking me out, what's going on?" I asked looking around and he let out a nervous sigh, but the he frowned and stared at me for a few seconds.
"Weird... or deja-vu... being here in the back of a bar-dinner, all we're missing is a dead—"
"Damon, focus" I said as I stared at him intrigued, all the mystery was already making me nervous.
"Right" he said and he began pacing around the room, as if he was struggling to get the words out "Now, I know Stefan's your favorite Salvatore—"
"I don't have a fav—"
"As I was saying," he continued and his smiled dropped into a slight frown "I wanted to apologize for—"
"Damon, it's fine, you already apologized for everything," I stopped him but he lowered his gaze for a few seconds.
"... for the part that I played in Kai's death" he finished and I felt myself tensing up at the mention of his name "you loved him... and I was angry because of what he did to Elena, Bonnie and Ric... I guess part of me thought I was protecting you too"
"Why would you apologize for killing a murderer?" I asked coldly, knowing it was mostly a reaction from my new defense mechanism.
"Because it matters to you, and—"
"No it doesn't, he's a killer, a cold-blooded killer" I spat at him, suppressing any guilt I felt for acting this way "If this is what you wanted to talk about, I'm—"
"I was there last night, Maddie... at the Lockwood mansion... I heard you and it's probably why I said all those things about Kai and Katherine at today's meeting... I thought I was making things easier for you—"
"Thank you, Damon, I'm touched but... you were right about... Kai and Katherine... it wouldn't be the first time... or second" I added unable to hide the tone if hurt in my voice.
"It happens to the best of us" he joked lightly and I was about to leave but he grabbed my arm to stop me "too soon, sorry... the reason why I brought you here, is because I... I can't stop thinking about that day... I need your help, Maddie"
"What are you talking about?" I asked him a bit confused, the guilt in his eyes throwing me off a little because it wasn't like him at all
"I know we all agreed on no-Kai talk but... I was there too... I was there with you" He began and I pulled my eyebrows together unsure of what he meant "We burned the barn to the ground, that was the official story we sold to everyone but you insisted on giving him a proper burial, I didn't agree with you but I still ended up helping you... then it started to rain... I wanted us to stop but you were a complete mess... you kept saying that you couldn't leave him like that... I tried to convince you to come back in the morning or at least when the rain stopped but... you refused and after it was over... we had to go back to... say our goodbyes to Elena but you said you couldn't and you stayed there" Damon paused for what felt like an eternity and then he turned around, so I couldn't see his expression.
"I told everyone that by the time I got back to get you... you were already dead... but I lied... when I got there, you were fine, the sun was rising and just when were about to go home... you began chocking with your own blood... I did everything in my power to save you but nothing worked... and then you died, right next to his grave" He continued, turning around to face me once again "Didn't know you were such a Shakespearian until that day"
This time I do laugh, and it was probably the worst response I could give after what he just confessed but maybe the way Damon tried to find humor in the worst situations struck too close to home "I forgive you... and thank you for helping me that day... I know that must've been hard for you too"
Damon gave me a half smile and then he hummed thoughtfully "He reminded me of... me, actually... the day he found out you were possibly dead, it was like looking at the old version of me... I would've done the same thing for Elena, don't hold that against him" I raised my eyebrows at him, surprised by his comment and he cleared his throat a bit awkwardly "don't tell Elena I said that, we're not a psychopath-friendly couple just yet"
"I won't, now we should get back before—"
"I went back... to the spot where we buried him" Damon added staring at me warily and I gave him a confused look "it's gone, Maddie, the place literally vanished, poof"
I snorted at his emphasis on the last word but at what he was implying too "a piece of land can't just disappear, Damon, maybe you forgot where it was"
"I know those woods like the back of my hand and considering that the whole vanishing thing runs in the gemini-freaks family... it can't be a coincidence" he assured me and I shook my head slowly.
"That's impossible, all the gemini are dead, except for Lizzie and Josie but they're just two five-year-olds and Kai didn't know about this, so it can't be him" I said trying to hide the concern in my voice, once I remembered Bonnie's and I theory about a third party being involved "we'll go back tonight and search again, maybe that'll trigger something... we can't let his remains fall in the wrong hands Damon" I almost begged at the last part and he gave me a firm nod.
"We won't, we'll find them, I promise" he said in a reassuring tone and just as we were about to leave I stopped him at the door.
"Give me your word, Damon, that if we find his body, you'll let me decide what to do with it" I said firmly, the small hint of threat in my voice surprising us both and he stared at me a bit hesitant "I know Ric has his own plans, and you'll either send him back to hell or lock him up in a prison world but you owe me at least that... after everything you've done" and I soon realize it's coming from the real me.
"We'll just use his remains to find him so he can lead us to Katherine and help the twins, that's all" he assured me but I didn't move, feeling unsatisfied with his answer "I'll be on your side, Maddie... I want to make things right, we're family... you're like the little sister I never had... and I know I've caused you so much pain but if you've been paying attention, that's the Salvatore way of saying I care about you"
I gave him a slight nod and I took a step back "I'm sorry... I- I don't know what got into me" I apologized, leaning against the wall.
"I do, the real you... that's the first time I've seen her since you got back, now we know how to reach her" Damon said in a weirdly optimistic tone "and that's how we find his remains"
"... like getting a vampire's humanity switch back on... do you think it'll work?" I asked him without bothering to suppress the hint of hope in my voice and he tilted his head.
"Might as well give it a shot, though, it might be a little unpleasant for you... maybe we should reconsider-"
"I'll do it... too much's at stake" I interjected him and he frowned looking still a bit doubtful "I'll be fine Damon, and right now, this might be the only option we have"
"Fine but under Bonnie's supervision, and only if Elena agrees" he said raising his index finder at me and I sighed defeated.
"Fine" I agreed almost unwillingly, knowing that convincing Elena was probably going to take a lot of energy and... lies.
Damon walked out the backroom, motioning me to go before me and we both headed back to the main part of the bar, just in time to catch Iris putting her coat on.
"Maddie, sorry, I thought you left so I paid the check" she apologized and I shook my head.
"No, I'm sorry for taking so long, you know how Damon likes to ramble on" I said getting my stuff too.
"Everything okay?" she asked slightly concerned and I gave her nod.
"Yeah, just getting some sister-in-law advice from me, he's planning a surprise for Elena so" I explained and she pretended to zip her lips.
"Ready to go?" she asked and we both walked out the bar. I trusted Iris, well everyone trusted her, so I inherently did. She was a hunter, who had moved all the way from Colorado, to help her little brother after he'd triggered his werewolf curse or more like his father made him, so they ran away from him.
They were on the run for a while, Stefan's path had crossed with them and he ended up killing the man, at the time, the school didn't exist yet. Then a year later, in her search for a moonlight ring for his brother, she crossed paths with Ric, which eventually lead her to Caroline.
Her brother, Jason, was one of the first werewolves that were enrolled and now she worked at the Armory with Ric but telling her something that only Damon and I knew so far, didn't seem like the right thing to do just yet, maybe I was being paranoid but it was sensitive information, after all "You're still coming with Nate, Luce and I to the movies, right?"
"Of course, a deal's a-" but someone bumped into me, cutting me off.
"Watch it-!" Iris began snapping at the stranger but chuckled when she realized it was Matt.
"Sorry, Maddie, my head's somewhere else... I should've watched where I was going, you okay?" he asked, giving me an apologetic smile and I nodded.
"I'm fine, no worries" I answered, smiling back at him and Iris stared at us in a weirdly platonic way.
"We were just talking about you, how crazy!" Iris beamed and Matt raised his eyebrows surprised.
"About how you made this town not to be afraid to go out at night" I quickly added, shooting a glare at Iris, who just smiled at me "Thought you worked on weekends"
"I was actually coming to get you, Bonnie's been trying to contact you" he said and I took my phone out, which was pretty much dead "well, that explains it, they need us at the Armory"
"'Us', as in all of us?" Iris asked a bit disappointed, and I chuckled, knowing the reason behind it and she shot a glare at me.
"Lucky for you, no, enjoy the rest of your saturday night" Matt answered and she smiled excitedly but then dropped her smile.
"Next time, Mads, bye Matt" Iris said waving goodbye and she gave me a wink, and then stared at Matt, before walking away from us, which just made me roll my eyes.
"I like her energy" Matt chuckled and I nodded "we need that around here"
"Why was Bonnie trying to contact me?" I asked on a more serious note and he shrugged.
"Not sure, she didn't say why, just that it was important" he answered and I frowned, beginning to get a little worried "I can give you a ride if you want,"
"Thanks, Matt" I added, giving him a smile and we both walked to wherever he'd parked his truck.
"So no license yet, uh?" he asked and I shook my head slightly.
"I'm supposed to renew it, since mine expired apparently and then, there's the whole 'coming back to life' paperwork" I chuckled at the last part and he laughed lightly.
"Thought Caroline fixed that" he added and I tilted my head.
"Yes and no, they compelled everyone, she went for 'missing girl, found alive' so the official paperwork is taking a bit longer but I told her there was no rush, I have to wait like a regular Mystic Falls citizen would" I explained and he gave me a nod, my answer making him smile for some reason.
Matt opened the door for me, once we got to his truck and I got in without saying much else "So, how's the job at the school going?" he asked, not long after we began to make our way to the Armory.
"Great, it's a nice change and I love working with the kids and their families, too" I answered lightly, I hated it that there was some weird awkwardness between us, even more when I wasn't exactly sure why but it didn't bug me that much, since we rarely saw each other due to our different schedules "How's... crime?" I asked, immediately feeling embarrassed by such a dumb question.
"Crime's humanly manageable" he answered with a chuckle "the alliance between humans and supernatural beings is working out for both sides, so far"
"That's good to hear" I said, unsure of what else to say, though part of me was dying to ask him about Rayna but I just didn't know how to bring that up, considering our current friend status, if we were still friends "So, did anything fun today? Since you're not in your uniform, I'm guessing today was your day off"
"Just ran some errands and went down to the station for a consult" he answered and I nodded, noticing that I'd been playing with my fingers this entire time out of nervousness "I've been meaning to talk to you about something... but the timing was never right"
"Did I do something wrong, Matt? I just- I don't remember much about us, for some reason... and I'm not entirely sure of what happened" I admitted and he let out a sigh.
"I've known you my whole life, Madison, you're my ex-girlfriend's little sister... I always took care of you, maybe more than Jeremy, and..." he paused, keeping his eyes glued to the road "somehow that turned into something else but when I realized what it was... it was already too late and I don't hold that against you, I... tried to sabotage your relationship with Kai, and in the process I ruined our friendship"
I frowned, making the connection inside my head... that's why Kai hated Matt... why we had a fight... and I chose Kai over him because I loved him enough to turn my back on someone who was like family "We were younger then and we've changed... ending a lifetime friendship over a teenage fight feels a little immature"
"I don't think you've changed, you still look the same" he joked and I chuckled "but I agree, if you want to start over, I'm all up for it"
"Sounds good but I do have to ask..." I said, dropping my gaze at my hands "Rayna... what exactly did she say about me?"
"It was a long time ago, I don't remember the exact words but, she said something along the lines of you having to stay hidden because 'they' couldn't find out that you were 'special'" he answered glancing at me and I looked at him confused "maybe she thought you were special because you came back to life being human, and at first I thought 'they' was Enzo's family but then that somehow got twisted into Kai and Cade, then Kai and Katherine"
"and now?" I asked him and he stared at me with a furrowed brow " Bonnie said you don't think 'they' is code for Kai and Katherine anymore"
"We've all been through some really weird stuff, and maybe it's just our usual paranoia but... there's been some reports of unusual stuff happening in the towns near Mystic Falls" He said in a suspicious tone and I tilted my head "Maybe I'm looking too much into it but there's this town a couple of miles from here, where most of the population randomly decided to move from their homes after living their entire lives there, so I went to check out the new occupants and they seemed normal, their official documents were in order and all... but since then, the town's been under constant renovation, and there hasn't been a crime registered"
"Travelers?" I asked and Matt shook his head "are they even supernatural?"
"I don't know but they seem too nice and we both know that's code for 'hiding something really messed up'" he answered, staring at me for a few seconds "what if it's all connected? I mean we know that the weird stuff here in Mystic Falls stopped happening after Alaric took over the Armory, but maybe because they moved there or spread in the towns nearby... Rayna did say 'they', as in more than one, and maybe I'm underestimating Katherine, but I don't think a supernatural huntress would be scared of her or Kai"
"You never said Rayna was scared" I said with a slight tone of concern in my voice.
"I didn't want to worry you... but I guess we'll eventually have to deal with it" he admitted, giving me a worried look and I let out a sigh.
"We have to tell Bonnie and Ric, hopefully we're just being paranoid" I concluded and Matt gave me a nod.
We didn't say much until we got to the Armory, and we were both equally surprised to see Ric and Caroline with the twins there, they were usually not involved in off-the-clock matters. Jade was there too, next to Bonnie and I noticed there was a weird salt-circle and candles laying around all over the place "Aunty Madsie!" the girls beamed cheerfully, rushing to hug me.
"Hey little angels," I smiled, hugging them back and I Ric and I exchanged awkward looks for a couple of seconds, probably because I'd been postponing our chat all day.
"Is everything okay?" Matt asked hiding his concern so the girls wouldn't notice.
"Yeah, Bonnie just has a new game for the girls to try and she invited Maddie too" Caroline answered with a smile and the girls jumped excitedly, holding my hands.
"Why don't you and Matt go check the... cars" Alaric suggested in a weird tone and Caroline nodded, as she walked towards the exit, taking Matt with her.
"So, what are the rules of the game, Bon?" I asked beginning to feel a little uneasy but I tried to hide it with a smile.
"The four of us stand inside the circle and we do a spell" she answered, walking inside the circle with something in her hand and I glanced back at Ric, who just gave me a nod, so I followed Bonnie's instructions, along with the twins.
"Is that the key we found?" Lizzie asked, staring at the weird object in Bonnie's hand.
"Yes, Lizzie, it's called an ascendant" she answered, staring at me for some reason but I gave her a blank stare, unsure why she was staring at me.
"Why does it look different?" Josie asked furrowing her brow and Bonnie exchanged looks with Ric.
"Because it's not the same one, you girls helped Bonnie create" Ric answered and I looked back at him, but he avoided my stare.
"What does it open?" Josie asked again and we both stared at Bonnie with curiosity.
"A place, but this one's too broken to open the door, so we can't go there" she answered softly and for some reason I tensed up at her words.
"Then what do we need it for?" I questioned her and the girls repeated my question.
"To locate something" she replied and I felt my heart drop at the bottom of my stomach, "this has a connection to the person we're trying to locate, that's why we're using it" A place. A key. The key to a place and though the word 'ascendant' seems annoyingly familiar, I still can't make the connection inside my head.
"this game's boring" Lizzie complained, pulling from my hand so we could get out of the circle but I didn't move.
"It's like hide and seek, Lizzie, you're very good at that game and it's very important for all of us to find the person who's hiding" I told her in a soft voice and she giggled.
"so we can win?" she asked excited and we all nodded, which made both of them nod too.
"And for today only, we're allowed to use magic to find that person, Jade will help too" Alaric added and the girls gasped cheerfully but then their smiles dropped, and they both let my hands go.
"but daddy, we don't want to hurt aunty Madsy and aunty Nonnie" Josie pouted and Ric looked at me for some help.
"You won't, that's so great about this circle, because inside here no one can hurt anyone" I told them extending my hands out to them and they both grabbed one each once again, and then they did the same with Bonnie's.
"Is that person inside daddy's office?" Lizzie asked and Bonnie shook her head slightly.
"No, we don't know where they're at yet" she answered and they both stared at her confused.
"then we need a map, the world's too big!" Josie exclaimed, which made us chuckle.
"It is but unfortunately maps are not allowed in this game" he added and the girls exchanged worried looks.
"We don't need a map, I'll get a vision of the person's surroundings and we'll have to go from there" Bonnie explained and I nodded, realizing what spell she was talking about.
"I want to see it too!" they both chanted and she gave them an apologetic smile.
"Next time but I'll share every detail so we can win" she reassured them and they both nodded.
"Are we going to do magic?" Lizzie asked and they both stared at Bonnie.
"Kind of, all you three have to do is focus on finding that person,-"
"But Madsy can't do magic" Lizzie interjected her, squeezing my hand and I stared at Bonnie
"and we don't know who's hiding" Josie added and Bonnie looked at Ric, who walked over to us.
"You girls remember that picture of a man I showed you and I told you that if you ever saw him, you had to try to find any of us to ask for help or hide if we weren't around?" he asked the twins and Josie nodded but Lizzie shook her head in denial "the one that was at the Armory a long time ago while you girls were having a sleepover and you called me because you got scared?"
"Because the lights went to sleep and the alarms were too loud" Lizzie said and Alaric nodded, staring at me for a few seconds but I avoided his stare, a weird mix of guilt and confusion coming over to me.
"the same one from heaven-mommy's pictures, right Daddy?" Josie asked and Ric smiled sadly at Josie's nickname for Jo, and I instinctively squeezed her hand which made her lean on me but Ric's smiled dropped once he realized what she'd just asked.
"What pictures honey?" he asked Josie and the girls exchanged looks but none of them seemed to be willing to say anything "girls, is very important that you tell me what pictures you saw about that man, he's dan-... in trouble and we're trying to help him" Ric added, hesitating at the word 'dangerous' but I couldn't tell if it was because he didn't want to scare them from doing the spell or because I was here, but seeing that Ric didn't know anything about how I still felt about Kai, it couldn't be the latter.
"they were with the key but we hid them because you hate his pictures" Lizzie answered and they both exchanged guilty looks.
"we were trying to help, don't be mad at us Daddy" Josie added in a sad tone and Ric shook his head almost instantly.
"I'm not mad, but next time, tell Dad right away, okay?" he made them promise and they both nodded.
"what kind of trouble is he in?" Josie questioned us all and Bonnie and Ric stared at me, which made the girls do the same thing too.
"He's..." I began but I paused for a few seconds, knowing I had to be careful with what I said and choose the right words "lost, so we're trying to find him... to lead him to his home"
"I want to help!" they both piped up and both Ric and Bonnie, stared at me, their looks meaning so many different things compared to the other.
"Try to focus as much as you can on that man, so we can find him" Bonnie told the girls with a soft smile and she glanced back at Jade, who nodded at her and then they both closed their eyes.
"You can close your eyes too, if that helps" Bonnie told us and the twins shut their eyes closed quickly, giggling for some strange reason, maybe the scene just looked funny to them and I stared at Bonnie, one last time, before closing my eyes too.
But I don't want to think about Kai, because thinking about him means letting him in but I know I didn't have much choice on the matter, not if I wanted the spell to work and only this time I make an exception, letting all the memories I had of him in and I try to remember him as much as I can, his face... the way the light would reflect on his steel blue eyes, making them change color... the softness of his lips... the way his touch felt and the glorious sound of his voice.
I don't even notice the sudden brightness and heat inside the room, or hear Bonnie and Jade chanting the spell over and over again, or feel the girls squeezing my hand so tightly that they were getting cold. All I could focus was on Kai and how much I missed him... how much I longed to see him... how much I wanted to say I was sorry and it's until the girls begin screaming that I feel the inexplicably strong waves of wind whirling around us, making all the objects fall around us and the windows opening and closing abruptly over and over again.
I opened my eyes quickly, a slight feel of fear invading my senses as I finally saw the chaos happening around us. The fire coming from the candles was ten times stronger than a regular flame, Ric and Matt were trying to close the windows and Caroline and Jade were trying to help Bonnie, who was laying on the floor unconscious, as the girls held on to me tightly.
"Madsy I'm scared" Lizzie cried and I kneeled down to hug them properly.
"Shhh, it's okay, it's part of the game but it'll be over soon, don't worry" I reassured them caressing their backs as their grip around me got tighter, I was about to say something else but a loud pitch coming out of the nowhere stopped me and I groaned, thinking it was the usual buzz again but the girls started to yell, covering their ears.
"I don't like this game, Madsy make it stop!" Josie yelled over the pitch and I looked up at Bonnie, who was still unconscious, and now Jade too.
Caroline rushed over to the girls but for some reason she couldn't get inside the circle and she said something to Ric but the sound was too loud, then they both went to wake Bonnie up "Girls, I need you to siphon the circle!" I shouted to them and they both stared at me scared "It'll be okay, I promise!"
They both walked towards the edge of the circle and they placed their hands on top of the salt, instantly their hands lit up with a red glow and in a fraction of a second, the loud pitched stopped, the candles went out and the wind stopped, just as the power went back on and Bonnie gasped loudly, coughing as she regained consciousness.
"Are you two okay?" I asked the girls and they both nodded, pulling me into a tight hug. Caroline and Ric didn't took long to rush towards us and they broke our embrace to check if the girls were okay.
I rushed towards Bonnie, and Matt was helping them both up to their feet, so they could sit on one of the chairs nearby.
"What happened?" I asked Bonnie, failing to hide the slight tone of fear in my voice but she didn't answer, she was completely lost in thought.
"It worked" Jade winced, as she sat on the chair "I felt it"
"Bon?" Matt said staring at me worriedly and tears began streaming down her face, which only made us worry even more "Bon, what's wrong?"
"Are you hurt?" I asked, checking if there were any visible wounds but she seemed fine, besides the emotional shock she was in.
"I saw him..." she mumbled in-between the sobs and I felt my heart stop at her words, which were enough to bring whatever hope I didn't know I had left, back.
"Kai? Did you see him? Is he okay?" I asked in a heartbeat, without giving much thought to my surroundings and Bonnie locked her eyes on mine, just as another tear rolled down her cheek.
"... he's alive" she said in a barely audible whisper but the mix of pain and joy in her eyes made me realize she wasn't talking about Kai "I saw Enzo... he's alive"
↟↡
Author's note:
So that happened. I know this chapter is annoyingly long and there's a time jump, which seems anticlimactic but it serves its purpose later on, I promise, just know that it's all been carefully planned. Also I know things might seem a lil' pessimistic right now, but rest assured it won't be for too long and about the memories, don't hate me for not giving them back to her just yet, trust me when she gets them IT'LL BE EPIC and much better than it would've been if she got them back right now. I seriously can't believe we finally reached this point of the story, like I honestly never thought this story would make it this far but it did and IM FOREVER GRATEFUL to you guys, because y'all made it happen, thank you for your comments and votes, views, it means the world and it gives me motivation to keep writing. This story is about to get REAL, I have great things planned for it and I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I enjoy writing it. If you have any questions or if I need to rephrase something, let me know, it'll be my pleasure to answer your questions or fix anything that needs to be fixed.