"I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you all the time...I'm sorry you went through so much without me noticing a bit of it....I'm sorry for not being a good father..."
" No Baba...you've been the best father ever. And all that...it's the past now...it's all forgotten..." I said smiling at him.
We then spoke for a while. He told me about his life, his struggles when he was a teenager. He told me about how hard a soldiers life is.
You know Halima..."he started. "This world, is a short place. I've been to so many places, I've met so many people, I've earned respect in the society. As a solider, I've received respect everywhere I go. I have a very hot temper Halima, and everyone knows that. No one wants to get into my bad side." He said and I nodded
I looked over at his pointed nose as he spoke." I can see that trait of my anger in you Halima, and that makes me really sad. Whenever I'm angry, I don't think before acting, and that, actually cost me a lot. I've seen how you act when you're angry and it's like I am seeing a mirror of myself."
It's true I get angry easily. Very easily. I can't control myself when I'm angry. I speak anything and my palms tend to act on their own accord.
"Halima...learn to control your anger. Learn to keep it all in. Learn to love, not to hate" he said looking directly at me.
"Conceal it with a smile...and everything will be fine" he said in a nonchalant manner. "And when it's too hard to conceal, then let it go.."
I nodded and smiled at him, silently promising myself that I will never let my anger take over my actions again.
He was silent for a while and I stood up to leave but he stopped me.
"Your mother died of tumor" he said, his eyes teary. But he managed not to cry in front of me. "Brain tumor" he added and I felt my world spin. I opened my mouth to speak but no words could come out. I stared blankly at the wall.
"She fought for a year before her body failed" he said and this time, I saw the tears.
The heavy drops of tears on a fearless soldiers eyes?
"When she passed away, I had no zest to live anymore...I couldn't live in this very house again, every where was filled with memories, of her. So I tried to erase some memories by traveling, I tried to forget her. I traveled so far, but I couldn't remove her from my thoughts. She still lives right here" he said pointing to his chest, but he just shook his head as if he remembered who he was telling.
I also couldn't control the tears that fell on my cheeks. I suddenly had a vivid memory of her. Fair skin, very long silky black hair, silver eyes and round face with dimples at both sides. Most of all, her beautiful smile showing her white dentition.
I sobbed hard. Even though I knew her for just six years of my life, she was the best mother ever. I still feel the pain, the same one I felt when she died. When she held my hands and breath her last.
"Halima...My child...I..I love you so much. May Allah bless you. May you have the best in the world and in the hereafter...Halima...Hali..." And with that, she closed her eyes, never to be opened again. Six year old Halima couldn't comprehend what just happened. She kept asking people to stop crying as he mother was sleeping, they should let her rest, in peace.
I still hear stories about her from Anty Yagaji, Asiya's mother. I hear stories about how she was a strong woman, of how nothing let her down. Of how she was courageous and very kindhearted. Of how religious she was.
Was
"Inshaa Allah, She's in a better place" Baba spoke and I wiped my tears.
"Baba...can I go visit Aunty Naazi for a few days?"I asked.
Anty Naazi is my mother's younger sister. So whenever I miss umma, I visit her. She reminds me so much of umma, because they look exactly the same. Some might mistake them for twins.
"Sure Halima, you can go. Abdul will drive you down to her place. But don't stay for long" he said with his most authoritative voice. You wouldn't dare say this man had tears in his eyes just a few minutes ago.
I packed two sets of atampa into a small nylon bag and scuttled outside, where I found Maa Fatima preparing the iftar meal and bade her goodbye.
"My regards to Naazi, and also, don't give them a hard time" she said referring to the last time I visited them and made sure all the neighbor's poultry stayed with their owners. You can't be keeping animals in your home and then let them wander around the locality invading other peoples properties.
I smiled at her, hugging her tightly. I scurried outside the main door with her saying "oh Halima, when will you grow up".
Ya Abdul was fuming all through the ride to Anty Naazi's house. They lived at the outskirts of town, which was a little far from our small village, Biu.
"Ya Abdul" I spoke while he changed the gears of baba's old station wagon.
"What?"
"What about Larai? The nail cutter's daughter? I heard she's been going around the village telling people you promised to marry her" I said smirking.
He changed the gears again, but this time harshly, as if he wanted to remove them. Ha! Payback.
"I also heard that the king's advisor is also one of her suitors" I spoke and he gripped the steering wheel tightly. "You should buckle up Ya AbdulHakeem, before she's snatched right from under your nose" I added.
"Halima. Are you by any chance trying to make me feel jealous that her marriage has been fixed, or are you trying to get me back for reporting you to baba, either ways, it's not working" he hissed and I laughed.
Ya AbdulHakeem is my elder brother. His mother was baba's second wife, umma being the first. I haven't met his mother before, because she died shortly after she put to bed. Then baba married mama saratu, well you know the old generation men's mentality of having two wives.
Umma took care of him after his mother's death. I wasn't born yet. I came into the world when he was six years old. Umma died when he was thirteen, that's why he has more memory of her.
He still grieves her death till today. He still hides and sobs in front of her locked room.
Ya Abdul, even with his grumpy face and controlling nature, deep inside, he has a soft heart. He shows his love and concern through a different way. He doesn't stay at home much of the time, because mama saratu, and him are like fire and a pile of cotton wool. She hates him as much as she hates me.
"Ya Abdul" I spoke looking intently at his sprouting beard. He didn't reply, nor spare me a glance.
"Umma died of brain tumor?" I asked lifting my niqabi.
He swallowed hard before speaking "Y..Yes...she battled for a year before she gave up" he spoke looking intensely at the road.
"And all this while nobody thought it was necessary to tell me. I don't even know how my mother died. I feel so miserable" I stuttered. "All this while I inwardly blamed an innocent woman...Ya Allah! Forgive me!"
"It's not your fault Halima. We all know Mama saratu's wicked mind . I won't be surprised if she did as you thought" He said, his eyes flickering from the road to me.
"May her soul Rest In Peace." I spoke before pulling back my niqabi.
"Ameen" he replied.
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