Song(s) that inspired this Chapter:
Kat dahlia's Cover of "Say Something"
Sleeping with sirens ft. MGK - "Alone"
MARILYN
The number one thing that I hated about becoming somewhat famous had to be the interviews, god come save me.
"Is it true?" The lady bitch asked me, holy hell I've been watching to many Tyler the Creator videos..
"Is what true?" I asked, I had zoned out before she asked the last question,
"Did you and your boyfriend recently break up because you cheated?"
"No it's not, Me and Mac decided that we are better off as friends, there as no hard feelings.."
"Do you think the brake up is going to effect you and your career?"
"I don't see it as a big effect on my carrer, because anything I'm feeling, I can use it to be productive, and make some hit songs"
"Thats great, well times up, Nice meeting you MJ"
"Make sure to buy her album on iTunes and in stores now"
As I sat in my hotel room alone thinking about how fucked up my life is I got an idea, Was it the best one? No, but it was something I needed so very much.
Let me just go over somethings.
First off me and Malcolm broke up, that was inevitable, but surprisingly we took it a lot better I thought we would. And after that Colson stopped talking to me and I couldn't help but fall back into a bit of depression. Lastly I relapsed, I got drunk and woke up regretting a whole bunch of shit, someone should really not allow me to have a phone and money when I'm fucked up. I did a lot of bad shit, and I hope it was just a one off.
--
-later that day-
@ MJ's concert
"So what song do you guys want me to perform next?" I asked the huge sold out crowd, i mean it was huge for me, I used to think I was a nobody, but now I actually think I may have made it..
I wiped my forehead with my face rag and fixed my hat, it was so packed in this club that it was stuffy. I loved it though, it was intimate.
"The High" many in the first ro yelled, I smiled,?one of my favorite songs were one of theres as well, I had some good fans.
"The high it is then" I smiled and my DJ started the music.
I finished and smiled looking at my wonderful fans,
"Okay so some of you guys may or may not know.. That I, erm, I relapsed about a week ago" I sighed sitting on the stool one of the people from my crew brought on stage, I look at the emotions on some of their faces almost all of them held sorrow "I've battled addiction for far too along, and I just want to be honest with you guys, everyone does make mistakes. I may have gotten more popular recently, but shit has been so hard for me this past year.. The man I loved, or thought I loved cheated on me several times, I lost my relationship with my best friend, I don't know that our connection will ever be as strong as it once was. Everything has just been extra hard recently and I have no one to reach out to, every one I have is connected to them and I don't want them to know," I was tearing up, They both put me through fucking hell and I continued to run back to them, I just wanna say I'm done... This next song is for them." I paused "I'm gonna be doing a cover of Say something" everyone cheered.
I was in tears by the end of song, I wiped them quickly as my fans clapped for me. I smiled and admired the people in front of me.
They all were so different, but came to get her to support silly-old-me.
COLSON
MJ is everywhere on the internet this morning, well everywhere on my time line anyway. I can't do shit on the internet without her popping up.. This morning I googled the band 'A great Big World' just to see if they had posted anything recently. The first thing to pop up was an article about Mary Jane popped up,
"Rapper, singer-songwriter Marilyn Jane admitted to Relapsing last night at her concert, Sources say MJ is talking about her former boyfriend of a year Mac Miller and her "Former" best friend Machine Gun Kelly of 9 years.. Is Mary emotionally wrecked because of the two? watch this clip and tell us what you think."
I replayed the video again, she looked so heart broken, how many times can I fuck up?
MARILYN
I got an email saying I was invited to the BET awards, Which is in like 5 weeks.. I just need to find out who I'm gonna go with.
I just fucking tweeted it.
@maryjane93: I need a date to the BET awards hit me up.
I got out of bed and hopped in the shower, when I got out I put on my skinnies, a loose black sweatshirt, and my Jordans.
I grabbed my purse and walked out of the house, I got in my car and drove off. I got shit to do, I have a photo shoot which is probably gonna take a little more than a few hours, and then a Video shoot for my lovely single "Crazy".
···
Done. finally done with the video shooting, took forever but shit, it's done isn't it? Straight from the video shoot I had a concert, another one as the same club, but this one I want getting sappy, I was ready to rage.
"I just want everyone to know that I'm feeling good" I said into my microphone, "I'm fucked up, but I feel good. this next song is called The high, it's my favorite and a fan favorite" I held my red solo cup in the air, I was filled to the top and I was loving the concoction.
I laughed for no reason at all, I took a drag from my blunt, as i finished the song, I'm a fucking mess right now.
COLSON
I watched from the crowd of people (Yes I came to her concert, No I'm not a fucking stalker, don't start assuming shit either.), MJ was fucked up sipping out a Solo cup, she swallowed the last sip in the cup and chucked it to the side, she grabbed a ciroc bottle out of someone hand and gulped down a HUGE sip and then poured the remainder of her water bottle on her head, completely soaking her hair. As far as I could tell, this was the beginning of her downward spiral.
"Time to get serious though, My music isn't enough for y'all so I'm gonna perform A nirvana song, ." She said sitting on a stool. "Lithium" she smiled taking a drag of her blunt before putting it in the ashtray.
She finished, you could see her emotions were everywhere, sadly I caused a lot of it.
MARILYN
I finished Lithium and saw someone I couldn't believe what I saw.. Colson.
Me and him locked eyes, what the fuck is he doing at my show? I didn't realize how long we've been staring at each other, but multiple people caught on and saw Colson, I was literally stuck in a gaze with him, his beautiful blue eyes looking at my dark hazel ones, I snapped out of my trance when I dropped my Mic, I picked it up and faced my DJ "Alone please..." I mumbled into the Mic, he nodded "Kells get up here" he looked confused I waved him over to me, I can't even believe what I'm about to do, He climbed on stage and I nodded over to My DJ,
I sang the song, many emotions running through me all at once, I felt like we were the only ones in this room, but the truth is, we weren't. And this was one hell of a story,
When his part came I could see the raw emotions, it's like he was singing every word to me, except I didn't leave him this time, he left me this time and I was hurting because of it. I finished the song strong singing my heart up, not that he deserved it, but my fans did.
I was out of breathe from that song like I always was when I sung it.
"THANK YOU LA" I screamed running off the stage, as soon as I got backstage Colson grabbed my hand.
"MJ let me explain.. please?" he said, I yanked my hand away from him,
"Explain.. Explain what? why you haven't talked to me in 2 weeks.. It hurts Colson every time we stop speaking. ." I cried,
"I've been busy"
"Busy for 2 fucking weeks?"
"Yeah.."
"Stop fucking lying to me" I yelled, tears streaming down my face, he sighed he looked around,
"Let's talk about this in private.. Please?" I nodded and walked him over to my dressing room.
"Soo.." I trailed off wiping my tears, I'm so fucking over this,
"There's this girl.."
"Ohh" More tears fell from my eyes of course there was a girl..
"Nah it's not like that" he said and relief flushed through my body. "This girl said that she's pregnant and that it's mine" I let out an involuntary cry and took a step away from him, I was disgusted,
"oh my god"
"Calm down.. It's not mine, I swear.."
"You don't know for sure Colson," I couldn't see, the tears were blurring my vision, I could deal with this right now, my heart felt like it was physically breaking,
"Yeah I do, I always wrap up."
"You didn't last time you fucked me, I feel like I could throw up Colson, I'm disgusted by you right now" I rubbed my hand over my face, I was too fucked up for this. "It's called Broken rubber Colson.. That's how you got me Pregnant." I yelled at him.
"I know, but there's fucking more MJ. I never slept with the God damn girl." He bargained, I cocked my head to the side,
"I don't believe you Colson.." I shrugged, I sat down on the couch and began getting undressed, I was hot all of a sudden,
"MJ.."
"What? You expect me to believe that you didn't sleep with this girl? Really you've slept with so many girls Colson, I don't know what to fucking believe on this subject." I cried, now angrier than ever before, I stood up and started to pace. Another woman was possibly having his child, and she wasn't me.
"it's not fucking mine" he yelled pinning me against the wall,
"Why come here and tell me huh?" I asked, "why did you even come to my show? To ruin my life even more? I fucking hate y-" he cut me off, he slapped the wall next to me my head, but I didn't flinch.
"Don't say that" he mumbled,
"Don't say what?" I wouldn't say I was terrified of Colson right now, but I definitely haven't seen him like this in a a long time.
"Don't say you hate me.. Please don't."
"I don't hate you, it's just you put me through so much shit Colson..." I sobbed now, I slid down the wall and on to the floor.
"I haven't slept with anyone in the last fucking month besides you.. The girl is 3 weeks pregnant MJ.. It's not mine she just making false accusations." A month? he hasn't had sex with anyone in a month, that's hard to believe.
"a month?" was all I could say, it sounded like a fucking lie,
"Yes a month.. without you MJ I feel like shit, I need you in order to feel good.. When im with you you're the only drug I need."
COLSON
MJ cried harder than I'd ever seen before, it was heart breaking. I rubbed her back and rocked her back in forth, she was curled up on my lap and we were both sitting on the floor in her dressing room.
"Calm down please?" I begged, holding her tight, a few minutes past and she stopped crying, her body was still trembling like crazy though.
"Why is my life fucked up?"
"Because of me.." I mumbled causing her to look me dead in the eyes, all I could see was pain, that's all I've ever caused her. Pain.
"I love you so much that it hurts.." I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her forehead. It does hurt, love is pain.
MARILYN
I love him so much, too much for my own good.
I don't know why I keep forgiving him, I think it's mostly because when I'm not around him I hurt, not just emotionally, but also physically. There's like this pain in my chest. He's all I know, I have nobody besides him, I don't have a family and I don't have friends, it sucked to have to run back to the man that hurts me over and over.
I know I have Slim and the boys, but I feel like everything I tel them always gets back to Colson anyways.
I just need a friend.
April 22, 2014
'@MachineGunKelly happy birthday, you're 24 now, holy shit your growing up too fast on me, turn the fuck up tonight. Much love. ps. that shit you dropped last night went hard as fuck.'
I tweeted that, yes, Colson and I may not be on the best note right now, but he still is my best friend and I wouldn't do some grimmy shit and not say happy birthday to him.
I hopped in the shower and washed my body, i was done washing after ten minutes, but I spent extra time just staring at the white tile walls, contemplating everything. when I got out I had a call, I picked up my phone and answered.
"Hello?"
"Marilyn..." Malcolm?
"M-Malcolm." I hadn't talked to him since we broke up, it was nice hearing his voice.
"Yeah it's me.. I need to talk to you." he sounded vulnerable and sick, I was worried.
"are you okay? where are you?" I fired off question after question,
"Can you please meet me at my house?" He asked I could hear the pain in his voice,
"Yeah, give me 20 minutes I'll be there." I spoke in the phone,
"Okay, see you soon."
"bye" I hung up, I wonder why he's calling me.. I put on a plain black shirt, skinny jeans, and some chucks. I grabbed my purse and headed out.
-Malcolm's house-
I buzzed the gate until Malcolm let me in, I parked in his drive way and knocked on his door.
"Come in." he yelled, I walked into his house and there he was laying on his leather couch watching MTV, wearing a tye dye Mod Sun hoodie and some sweatpants, I walked over to him.
"What's wrong?" I put my hand on his forehead to check if he was warm, he wasn't "you seem fine.."
"II miss you MJ, I'm sorry for the things I did to you Mary, they were fucked up, but I need my friend back"
"I miss you too." I sighed, he pulled me down on to his chest, I really did miss Mac. I know it was a mutual break up, but if felt like I was losing a good friend more than a boyfriend. Malcolm wrapped his arms around my waist and we cuddled for a good hour, this is what I needed, just someone to hold me while I think. I know friends don't typically cuddle, but he was a big teddy bear and had honestly became one of my closest friends the year we were together.
I took a picture of me and him smiling together and posted it on twitter, I don't care what people think, for the first time in almost a month and a half I'm happy, really happy.
'Forever my homie.'
I entitled it, I tweeted that with the picture and then right after it I tweeted
'i feel good right now.'
I smiled, I'm gonna get some weird feed back, but fuck it.
COLSON
"What the fuck!" I yelled kicking a wall, and then wincing "Shit, bitch, fuck, god dammit!" I cursed, my foot was aching now, nice job Colson.
"What's wrong?" Slim said running in my room,
"They're back together." I groaned in pain, my foot completely throbbing now,
"Who?" he asked confused.
"MJ and her ex, on my fucking birthday too." I yelled kicking the wall again, big mistake.
I honestly felt like I was gonna burst into tears.
It is my birthday after all.
"Kells calm down, how do you know?"
"look on her twitter.." I sighed, I ran my hand over my face, he pulled out his phone a minute later his eyes widened.
"Shit, Kells you need to get your shit together.. She's tired of you playing games with her emotions, stop fucking around. " he shrugged and walked out of the room without another word, thanks for nothing Slim.
I banged my fist on the wall and then slid down it.
I NEED MARILYN JANE ROSE.