It begins as a harmless thing: a name. Just a name. A tidy set of printed characters on a letter sized assignment proposal sheet. Four characters. Ink on a page.
Yamada Ryosuke.
"You are kidding me, right?" Nakajima Yuto's agent might not be the person most prone to joking there is (he had to have some equilibrium, after all), but this sounds crazy even for Yuto's crazy life itself.
"It is a big opportunity," Suzuki says, his usual deadpan in place and Yuto's insides tingle. "It is Yamada-kun's first photo book, as you might know. His solo career is at its peak and the photographer who shoots this will have a great deal of exposure. It could be your breakthrough."
"And the Agency okayed this?" Yuto hears his own voice and it's so high pitched with hysteria it sounds foreign. He didn't leave Johnny's and Associates on the best of terms, even if that was ten years and a lifetime ago.
"They actually requested you."
"They as in management or..."
"Management," Suzuki answers, oblivious to Yuto's disappointment. "I do think they are playing a sentimental card to appeal even more to the fans. This is big."
In the following silence, his manager's piercing glance and his own hammering heart break havoc in Yuto's system. It is a great opportunity, even if he is no longer at the stage of his career where he has to struggle to get jobs, and now he is backed up by more than some distant past as idol; Yamada's popularity has been steadily going up since the days he and Yuto used to work together, too, and to be handpicked by the Agency itself...
In the end, he really doesn't care about any of those reasons.
"Okay, I'll do it," Yuto says, and his voice trembles, but Suzuki doesn't breathe a word about it, just nods and types something on his tablet and that's it.
Yuto just closes his eyes and prays he didn't just make the worst decision ever.
***
It is the worst decision ever.
Somehow having coffee to discuss art concepts with Yamada, without their managers or assistants, just the two of them alone seemed like a great idea before, when he settled the appointment via his agent and Yamada's agent and everything happened in third person tenses.
But now Yuto is not so sure, as he watches Yamada approach his table in the little low profile bar their managers agreed to hold the meeting on, steady steps and a balanced elegance that wasn't there when Yuto last saw him, too much time ago.
Yamada grew up a bit, his face is less round, his cheekbones more pronounced and he holds himself differently, with more confidence. He isn't the teenager he once knew and Yuto isn't the person Yamada used to know either. But Yamada's face is so familiar. Yuto was never able to escape properly from it, not even back then. He would have had to flee the country and never log into a Japanese website again to avoid it after all, and he could cope. All these years he was able to cope.
Ten years is one hell of a long time to get over some silly teenage crush, but there are butterflies in Yuto's stomach anyway and he feels as nervous as in his first assignment as lead photograph.
Naturally, he blows it at the beginning.
"Yama-chan..." Yuto greets with a sigh, and he doesn't know where that came from. He feels like facepalming himself, but that would be unprofessional. More.
"Eh?" is all the answer Yuto gets.
In the long, long, silence that follows Yamada just stares at him, an eyebrow lifted and the ghost of a blush on his cheeks, but there is no warmth in his eyes.
"Take a seat, please," Yuto says, finally snapping into something akin to a professional mode.
Yamada bows politely and sits across Yuto at the table.
"It's been a long time," Yuto says. It is a formality and it sounds lame, but this time it's true. It is also the wrong thing to say, apparently, because Yamada's face acquires a guarded expression and Yuto can just feel something bubbling beneath the surface, even though he can't exactly say what.
The awkwardness is back in full swing.
"Nakajima-kun," Yamada begins to say, and the form of address hurts in an unexpected way, but Yuto keeps on a straight face, nonetheless. "This wasn't my idea. The Agency came up with this crazy marketing strategy and, while I was against it, maybe you can remember how their suggestions work." Oh, yeah, that. Yes, Yuto remembers that all right. "So, please let's keep this as short and formal as we can?"
"Look, Yama-chan," Yuto says, and this time he enjoys profoundly the spike of vexed heat that ignites Yamada's eyes for a split second. "I know this wasn't your idea, and it wasn't my idea either. I didn't exactly leave with the Agency's good graces." Yamada huffs, but he is agreeing. How could he not? He was there too, that is what this is all about. "This was a surprise for me too. But, don't make the mistake of thinking I'm only an amateur photograph on his first assignment. I have fought my way here too, even if you don't approve of the way I did it."
He is risking it and he knows it. Yamada has changed, but Yuto doesn't think he can change that much, and his short temper must be there somewhere, beneath the entire cool grown up act. Yuto has seen enough glimpses of it in today's meeting to know he is right.
Yamada keeps silent for a bit. And then he smiles, the first real smile Yuto has seen from him all evening and in more than ten years.
"You have changed," Yamada says with a muffled chuckle.
"I hope that's a good thing," Yuto chuckles in return. "We can do this, and I think we can do a great job together."
"For old time's sake?" Yamada's eyes are hooded and the question is a trap. After all, they didn't part in good terms either.
"For new time's sake," Yuto corrects, as he raises his glass. It's only water, because they haven't ordered anything yet, but Yamada mimics his gesture, and the smile is still honest when their glasses clink together.
***
Yuto gets to know everything he avoided by quitting barely one day into the making of the photo book.
They have a whole week to shoot and Yuto is taking advantage of the autumn light and colors to make an exterior shoot.
And Yamada looks so tired.
Yuto didn't completely lose track of his former groupmates, even if he didn't actually keep in touch with them. Keito tried, but even he gave up after Yuto not answering his emails for months and months.
Now, Yuto tries his best to understand the pressure Yamada has been under.
Yamada isn't single handedly supporting Hey Say Jump, but ever since Yuto left, and after Ryutaro's scandal a few years later, everything was twice as hard.
And now the agency decided on a solo career for him, in parallel to his group activities, but everybody knew what that usually entailed in the long run, and the rumors were spreading like a wildfire.
Yuto wonders if that same kind of pressure in the end would have destroyed him, if he had continued as retainer of the central position, that is. And then he discards that train of thought, because that, being robbed of the spotlight and relegated to the back, had been what had set everything in motion ten years ago.
Back then, he hadn't been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and everything had been so overwhelming. He just hadn't been able to carry on, not without the support of his friends, and by that time he had managed to pick fights with each and every one of the members of JUMP. It hadn't been long till it reached the point where Yuto had felt that it was him against the world, and he just hadn't been strong enough to deal with that.
"What is your message for the fans?" The cameraman asks. The Agency decided to shoot a brief making of video of the photo book shooting, for a very expensive limited edition with DVD that Yuto can just bet will sale out in the first five minutes of pre-order.
"I will continue working hard for the sake of Hey! Say! JUMP!" Yamada answers with conviction. It is a set answer, probably rehearsed a million times, but Yamada believes it, Yuto can feel his will to fight in every syllable.
Yamada answers mails and reads fan's letters on the breaks, while the makeup artist does her very best to hide the bags underneath his eyes and all the other signs of exhaustion. Nevertheless, Yamada's smile is always perfect, his sexy faces always on spot.
Yuto isn't sure if he really craves that type of life anymore, but, maybe, he admires Yamada for being able to make the most out of it. Just a little bit.
***
"They are going to want to get both of us in film at some point," Yamada stage whispers to Yuto, who is all but hiding from the camera crew in some darkish corner of the studio.
They will get some shots against white backgrounds done today for the photo book, so they moved indoors.
"Maybe they could get a shot or two of you talking to the hairdresser... do you think your fans will notice the difference?"
Yamada is suddenly dead serious and his stare is so intense that Yuto's heart skips a beat.
"They remember you, Yut... Nakajima-kun," Yamada says, and he doesn't even blush at the way he almost calls Yuto by his first name. "We all remember you," and there is venom in that, but there's something else too. Hurt, Yuto realizes, maybe a sense of betrayal.
He wants to do something about this, but Yamada is already walking away and Yuto is too dumbfounded to do anything to stop him.
And he doesn't even know what he could say to him anyway.
***
Once upon a time Yuto used to be very good at hiding what he felt. Even from himself. Specially from himself. He would talk about Yamada and say things like if he was a girl he'd date him, and everybody would laugh about it, and that would be it. Just a very popular idol doing fanservice. Yuto could always make himself believe that.
But this is ten years later, and he likes to think he is a different person now, more mature, more honest, with the world and with himself. He also likes to think he is over Yamada, that he left all that behind along with his teenage years, that he grew out of it.
Only maybe he didn't, and as the shooting week nears its end, Yuto gets more and more anxious about the eventual separation. And it makes him wonder about the reason.
This is not a new Yamada and, as much as Yuto hates to recognize it, this isn't a new him either. Everything he thought he had overcome is proving to be right there, frozen in time in his soul, and with every second the clock ticks away, it regains strength, makes itself more patent.
There is a new hidden strength in Yamada, undoubtedly born out of experience, a certain glow that just buzzes around him. But there are shields too, walls that didn't use to be there, a bit of bravado that Yuto knows that hides something, a weakness Yamada doesn't want anyone to notice.
And Yuto can see Yamada, the real one, in flashes and glimpses, underneath it all. The same insecure boy that wanted to quit the Agency and came to Yuto looking for a reassurance he just wasn't capable of giving him at that time, the same boy that blushed when Yuto complimented him back then, the same boy that Yuto had to run away from, so many years ago.
And the cruel certainty that nothing has changed, nothing at all. The same ice gripping his heart, the same longing igniting every inch of his skin; the sighs that make him feel like he's fifteen again, holed up in his room thinking about everything he can't have.
"Are you all right?" Yamada asks, eyelined eyes looking up at Yuto from a pile of red satin sheets. There had to be a shot of a bed in the photo book of course, and Yamada with an open shirt and leather pants, looking as tempting as ever, sprawled on it. Yuto's life is hard like that.
"Yes," Yuto answers. But maybe he isn't. After ten whole years, maybe he is just as screwed up as he was before. And maybe he will never be all right.
***
Predictably the sales are outrageous and the photo book sales out in every pre-order site known, in Japan and overseas, months before the release date. The Agency leaked a ten seconds compilation of the making of DVD, low-fi and pixeled, and Yuto has seen the screen capture of the split second in which he appears beside Yamada posted and dissected and photoshopped in so many different web sites he just resigned himself to not go online for a while. Maybe a year or two.
It hardly comes as a surprise that the number of calls Yuto has been getting with job offers has increased exponentially too. Some of the clients just want to ride on the wave of the sudden fame of his name, but there are some pretty interesting projects too, and he is actually looking forward to a couple of them.
The unexpected comes later, weeks after finishing the shoot and selection of the pictures, days after he and Yamada said goodbye and parted ways and Yuto thought that was going to be it, that he wouldn't see Yamada ever again, or at least not in a very long while.
And the unexpected presents itself in the shape of Yamada at the door of Yuto's apartment, in ripped jeans, dress jacket and a crispy white shirt, with his trademark loose tie and his hair tousled up. Yuto forgets how to talk for a whole minute when he sees him, and it's not because of the faintly smudged eyeliner, not completely at least.
"Yama-chan...?" Is the only thing Yuto manages to breathe out. He is barefooted, in sweats and a T-shirt, and the contrast between both of them is so stark that Yuto can't help but chuckle. "What are you doing here?"
"I escaped from the most boring promo after-party ever," Yamada answers, giggly and bubbly, so obviously tipsy that Yuto just laughs. "But I come bearing gifts? Or whatever..." Yamada smiles and it takes Yuto a bit to notice that Yamada is handing him a bottle of champagne, because his heart is somersaulting in his chest.
Yuto doesn't ask questions, just invites Yamada to go into his living room and goes in search of glasses.
"So you never gave up drumming..." Yamada sighs at the specialized magazines displayed on Yuto's low coffee table when Yuto comes back. "Or ass boring jazz music that no one could really digest, either," he comments, as he discovers Yuto's CDs collection.
"You can blame Hikaru for half of those," Yuto retorts, after uncorking the bottle. He pours champagne in two tall glasses and hands one of them to Yamada, who takes it without looking at Yuto.
"You two still talk...?" Yuto really admires the attempt at nonchalance in Yamada's voice.
"Not anymore. Not for a long while, no."
Yuto drinks from his glass as he watches Yamada go over his albums and it is a tad surreal; the aircon is keeping the cold of the early winter night away with an almost imperceptible buzz and some blues band is softly playing on the stereo, because yes, Yamada is right, Yuto never got over the kind of music that drove Yamada crazy with boredom; and Yuto doesn't know quite what to say, even if the silence is stretching farther and farther away from comfortable at each moment.
Yamada is trying to look relaxed, but he is far from achieving it, stiff shoulders and muscles tense as if about to snap. Yuto gets to the bottom of his second glass of champagne before he decides he needs to say something, anything.
"So who are the fangirls pairing you with these days?" Yuto asks, in hopes of lightening the mood, as he fills his own glass for the third time. He is a bit dizzy; he has always been a lightweight drinker anyway and champagne has this tendency to go straight to his head like woah.
Thankfully, Yamada chortles, even if he still doesn't look his way.
"Chinen, mostly," Yamada answers. He seems to find something interesting in Yuto's music collection then, because he takes a CD out and stares at it, and when he continues talking it's like an afterthought. "Sometimes Yuya."
Yuto just chuckles and watches mesmerized as Yamada finishes his drink in one go while looking intently at the CD he has just pulled out of the shelf. Yamada is beautiful and enthralling, and Yuto was a fool to think he could ever get over all the things that Yamada makes him feel; the need to protect him, the frustration of knowing Yamada won't let him; every charged silence and all the empty words, and the sheer panic Yuto feels sometimes, the violence of understanding, ten years later, that he can't forget.
"This," Yamada says, accusingly weaving a battered and worn down copy of Bitches brew in Yuto's direction. And Yuto nostalgically remembers tours and hotel stays, and the music blasting from his headphones so loud that he was sure Yamada could hear it from his own bed across the room. "Oh, gods this." And Yamada's voice has an edge of hysteria that Yuto doesn't know how to interpret. "I can live my entire life without listening to Miles Davis ever again, like ever... forever... my whole life without ever... never again..."
"Yama-chan..." Yuto whispers, concerned because Yamada's whole body is shaking. He walks toward him, grabs Yamada's shoulder with one hand while tilting up his chin with the other. "Are you okay?"
"Don't call me Yama-chan," Yamada all but pleads. His eyes are a little glazed, his cheeks flushed, and he is gritting his teeth, his jaw set in a stubborn grimace that is fooling no one; and Yuto feels the blood in his veins soar with the pull Yamada is exerting over him. "Nobody calls me that way anymore. I haven't heard that stupid nickname since you quit..." Yamada's voice cracks at the end, and this is the most vulnerable Yuto has seen him in his whole life, and this is it. He can't hold back anymore.
The CD case falls to the floor with a clack as Yuto's lips find Yamada's, and Yamada kisses back with a desperation that Yuto can feel isn't born only from alcohol and deep night. Yuto himself feels the pull and the urgency from too many years of yearning and longing that finally have an outlet.
"Yama-chan," whispers Yuto, as he kisses down Yamada's jaw line and it means 'I missed you', even if he can't articulate it. "Yama-chan," he sighs again, as he lavish the skin of Yamada's neck with soft, wet kisses; this time it means 'I want you', and Yamada's body understand the message just right. "Yama-chan," and Yuto takes Yamada's hand, intertwines their fingers, and Yamada squeezes them back.
Yuto just follows Yamada's lead, and he doesn't let go of his hand, not even when Yamada takes them to Yuto's bedroom and navigates them to lie on the bed.
"Ryosuke... I..." Yuto pants, out of breath and restraint, but Yamada's claims Yuto's mouth and his kiss is a plea that speaks directly to Yuto's desire. And Yuto has no objections.
So, Yuto kisses back passionately, and he follows Yamada unquestioningly, down, down; champagne bubbles and heat and need carrying him into oblivion.
***
Yuto is a bit hung over when he wakes up. He is also naked and his limbs feel heavy and sore. The rumpled sheets of Yuto's bed smell like Yamada and even if Yuto can't remember many details of the night before he can pretty much guess what happened.
Yamada is nowhere to be seen, though, and his clothes aren't scattered on the floor as Yuto's are.
Yuto's head is pounding when he reaches for his cell phone and looks up Yamada's name among his contacts, making an effort to focus his eyes, to function.
He is not that surprised when the call gets rejected after two ringtones. He is even less surprised when the next time he tries to call, it goes directly to voicemail.
Yuto lets himself fall to the bed. He is a mess, his hair is ruffled and his body is aching, and his heart feels heavy; and all the anxiety has managed to totally wake him up even if it's barely eight in the morning and his days usually don't start so early.
He forces himself to get up, turns on the coffee maker and fights the urge to light a cigarette. Instead, he drags himself to his bedroom and tears the sheets violently from the bed; he uses all the willpower he has accrued in twenty five years of existence to not sniff at the fabric before dumping them into the hamper. He feels pathetic enough as it is.
He tries Yamada's cell phone again, goes straight to voicemail, again. The third time, he actually thinks about leaving a message, but he has never been an optimist. He knows Yamada isn't at some important meeting or anywhere else with no phones allowed. Because Yamada never turns off his phone and Yuto knows it; he worked with the man for a whole week, some days fifteen hours a day. Yamada never turns off his damned cell phone.
Yamada is avoiding him.
Yuto showers and thinks about his possibilities while shampooing his hair. He is pissed, but most of all, he is confused. Why would Yamada reach out for him, come to Yuto's apartment looking for him and then run away? It would make some kind of sense if they were fifteen again, maybe, but now?
He entertains the possibility of letting this whole thing drop, of forgetting about Yamada's late night visit, but he knows it's impossible. Yuto has been dreaming about this since he was fourteen, and the fleeting, imprecise, fuzzy and blurry reminiscence, the flashbacks that haunt his mind and tease his body memory, tingling on his nerve endings, are here to stay. Yamada is engraved in his mind and his skin, worse than ever before, and Yuto needs to talk to him, to try to make this right even if he doesn't quite get what went wrong this time.
It comes to him while putting on his right sock, the greatest idea ever... with a ninety percent probability of failure, but still, is his best shot.
Yuto still has Keito's number on his contact list, he doesn't even know why. Until recently, Keito's was the only number of a Hey! Say! JUMP member that Yuto still had in his phone.
It's a long shot, but it's better than sitting all day in his apartment, moping. He isn't that person anymore; at least he is sure of that.
"I can't believe you still have the same phone number." Is the first thing that comes out of Yuto's mouth when Keito answers the call.
"Who am I talking to?" Keito asks, in super polite speech.
"Yuto. Nakajima Yuto."
The line goes silent for a long while, but when Yuto checks on the display, the call is still going. And then he thinks about this, really thinks about it, and he feels a little bad. Keito used to be his friend, his close friend, even if, by the time he quit, Yuto had managed to piss him off too. Yuto had managed to get into everyone's bad side by that time, to be honest. That was why he left in the first place.
But Keito had been the only one who had tried to keep in touch with Yuto after he quit, all those years ago, and now Yuto feels guilty about not trying to contact him when this whole gig with Yamada began. He should have, he should have done everything in a different way.
"I am sorry," Yuto says to the still silent line. "I acted like a scumbag, and I am still acting like a scumbag, and I should have contacted you eons ago and... I am sorry."
"Yuto." Keito's voice sounds the same, years and years later. Yuto feels a knot in his throat. He is the worst friend in the history of bad friends. "It's been such a long time...." Keito's tone is warm, and Yuto had no idea how much he had missed his friend until now.
Yuto forces himself to talk past the stiffness of his throat. "Too long," he manages to say. His voice shakes anyway.
"I heard the photo book you shot for Yamada is a big success," Keito says, and Yuto can hear the shift on the background noise, from a large, busy hall to a smaller room, probably the bathroom. "He hasn't spoken a word about it to us, though," Keito continues, and sighs, and this is so weird. Ten years later and Yuto could have seen Keito last week with how familiar this feels. "Is this about him?"
"Yes," Yuto breathes out, closes his eyes and feels his heart get a little lighter when Keito chortles.
"You owe me dinner," Keito says, and Yuto hears the smile as strong as if he was seeing it. "Okay, what do you want me to do?"
"Are you at rehearsal? Is Yama-chan there?" Yuto asks, dread and exhilaration in equal parts making his stomach drop down like a rollercoaster fall.
"Yama-chan," Keito's sigh is lined with laughter. "I hadn't heard that in a long time."
"I know," Yuto retorts, his voice tight. It hurts, everything hurts. "Is he there?"
"Yeah, he got here like an hour ago looking like crap. What happened, Yuto?"
"I promise to tell you everything, I promise I will. But, for now, can you please give him your phone?"
Keito doesn't even hesitate. He just whispers, "Okay", and Yuto hears him open the door and get into the rehearsal hall. Yuto's heart still jumps when Keito calls Yamada's name and the cell phone changes hands.
"I can't talk now," Yamada's voice says on the speaker, way before Yuto can even articulate a word. "I'm in the middle of rehearsal."
"We need to talk and you are not taking my calls. This was my last resort," Yuto states, trying not to sound childish.
Yamada's sigh is like white noise on Yuto's ear.
"Can we... can we just...? Okay, wait a second." Yuto hears some fumbling, then a door closing and silence. "Can we not do this? Please?"
"Not do what?"
"This!" Yamada sounds exasperated. "Can we just forget about last night and not...? Can you just let this go, please?"
"What?" Yuto has never been more confused in his life, and he went through half of his puberty while he was on Johnny's and Associates.
"We were drunk." And there's some truth in that, but it's not the whole truth and Yuto wants to punch something. He bites his lip instead; he isn't a teenager anymore, no matter how much of one Yamada makes him feel like. "I won't hold it against you."
"So we just forget it happened. Is that really what you want?" Yuto says and feels his heart crack a little bit. Because, yes, this was a possibility too, even if he didn't particularly want to contemplate it.
"... yes." White noise. Everything around Yuto is pure white noise.
"Yama-ch... Ryosuke..."
"Don't..." Yamada interrupts him, like a hot knife cutting through his soul. "Just don't. Please. I just can't do this right now. I can't do this at all. Please don't call me again."
Yuto hears the click that ends the call, but it takes him a hell of a long time to get his own cell phone off his ear. When he finally forces himself to move, he throws his phone to the floor, as far away as he can manage, watches it break down in bits and pieces and doesn't care at all.
He will need to get a new phone, he will need to stand up, to move, to keep on living, but for now he can only grab at his hair and try not to scream his lungs out in frustration and pain.
***
The first two weeks are blurry at the very least. Yuto buries himself in work and tries not to think too much about anything. It helps, even if his nights are restless and his days stretch into forever, the clock never seeming to tick quickly enough.
He has been here before, trying to forget about Yamada and to move on, but it was easier without the imprecise memory of Yamada's skin under his fingertips, the softness and the heat, and the way Yamada's voice sounded in the throes of passion haunting him.
And time goes by so very slowly...
He meets up with Keito a couple of times, and Yuto is actually glad to have him back in his life, even if he kind of reminds him of things Yuto wants to forget. It was surprisingly uncomplicated for them to go back to the easy friendship they used to have, and Keito has been nothing but sweet and supportive all this time. Yuto doesn't want to mess around with his loyalties, so he puts on a brave face every time they see each other, and they never, ever, talk about Yamada. Not even one word. Even though he promised Keito he would tell him the whole story, he never asks a thing. Keito is a good boy.
Yuto is not surprised when, one day, Keito materializes, unannounced, at the door of his apartment. Yuto is editing some photos for a project he couldn't care less about and he is desperate for a break, so it's actually refreshing when he sees Keito on the intercom, even if it puzzles him a little.
The thing is Keito is not alone.
"Chinen-chan..." Yuto mouths, his eyes fixed on the person beside Keito.
"I am sorry," Keito begins to say, looking apologetic and fidgety. "I tried to tell him not to come, but..."
Some things never change.
Chinen lets himself in Yuto's apartment. He looks aggravated, and Yuto has missed him too. He has missed the whole lot of his former co-workers an awful lot, it seems.
"We have to talk," Chinen says in the exact moment that Yuto closes the door. And he sounds ominous enough that Yuto can't even ponder in how he hasn't changed that much in ten years.
"Is everything all right?" Yuto asks, dread erasing the smile his features had slip into with the arrival of his visitors. "Is Yama-chan all right?" Because what could this be about if not him?
A zillion scenarios pass by Yuto's mind in a split second. Car accident, terminal disease, kidnapping, yakuza blackmailing. But nothing prepares him for Chinen flinging an ultrasound at him.
"Eh?" Yuto looks dumbfounded at Chinen, then at Keito, who is all but facepalming himself as he looks at Chinen himself.
It looks like a pregnancy ultrasound; Yuto can see a baby shaped figure in light tones against a black background.
"You might want to sit down," Keito says, softly. There's is a weird feeling on Yuto's stomach, and his nose feels numb for some reason.
"Read the name," Chinen orders and, as he is seemingly still programmed to do, Yuto obeys.
"What is this?" Yuto forces out. Because at the header of the printout there is the date of a day last week and Yamada's full name beside Patient. "What the fuck is this?"
"Sit down," Keito breathes out, trying to calm him, but Yuto can only stare at Chinen hard eyes.
"He's pregnant," Chinen says. Solid, serious, final. Yuto feels the floor sinking under his feet.
"Men don't get pregnant," Yuto babbles.
"Well he is," Chinen retorts. "Something about a hormonal imbalance and... things." Yuto can just imagine Chinen falling asleep during the whole scientific explanation of something that simply can't be happening.
But Chinen's pranks were never too complicated, he never had the patience for a complicated anything, and according to what Yuto can see now, that hasn't changed at all; it's the same impatient Chinen wanting everything done now, and Yuto can feel it in his gut, feel the truth of Chinen's words. Besides, there's Keito, looking grim and dead serious. And Keito never was that good of an actor, Yuto knows, he watched some of his dramas.
"He didn't want us to know," Keito explains. "But he told Daiki."
And Daiki told Takaki, Yuto can bet; he can see the news spreading like in a PowerPoint chart. Daiki, Takaki, Chinen. And Keito trying to stop Chinen only to be dragged here too, possibly driving Chinen. And Yuto really needs a beer now.
"Ryosuke has been a mess for months now." Chinen's tone is accusatory. "And he wouldn't tell us what happened at all."
"We thought he was stressed at first." Keito flops down on Yuto's couch and pinches the bridge of his nose. "He has been overworking himself lately, but that is kind of usual. Then the dizziness and fainting spells began, and we forced him to go to the doctor." Keito chuckles, the saddest, most tired chuckle Yuto has heard in his whole life. "I thought they would give him some vitamins or something."
Yuto finally sits down. His head is spinning and the only giveaway of this not being a nightmare is that his brain isn't this sordid. He wouldn't be able to come up with something like this, never.
"What the hell happened?" Chinen demands, and Yuto is so shocked that he can't even quip about it. "I know maybe things didn't work out for you, but you are supposed to be friends, and you just abandoned him?"
"We were never friends, Chii, not really," Yuto says, in a trance, as he grabs his head with both of his hands. How can he explain to Chinen his relationship with Yamada? He could never understand it himself. What Yuto felt for Yamada never subscribed to anyone's definition of friendship, he was always more than a friend to Yuto. "And we were not lovers either, back in the day."
"Well you are now."
Sometimes, Yuto admires Chinen matter-of-factness.
"It was just a one night thing!" Yuto yells, nonetheless.
Keito appears to be uncomfortable, Chinen just looks miffed.
"What happened to you? You used to be smart!" Chinen yells too, and it isn't rhetorical; his voice doesn't hold an iota of sarcasm, just plain exasperation. "Do you really think anything between the two of you could be a one night thing? Ryosuke has been in love with you for years!"
"You don't have any idea of what you are talking about!" Yuto is quickly losing all his patience.
"Idiot Yuto, you go to Ryosuke and fix this!" And Chinen sounds as upset as Yuto feels right now.
"Fix what, for the love of all?! Fix what the fucking what?!" Yuto stands up and begins pacing his living room. He has never been good at staying still, that's why he never gave up drumming. "He is going to have a baby, as fucked up as that might be, and he clearly doesn't want me in that child's life! So what the fuck do I have to fix?"
The look that Keito and Chinen exchange makes blood freeze in Yuto's veins and he stops moving to look at them.
"That's the thing," Keito begins to say, standing up slowly and walking toward Yuto. "That's why we are here. We had to tell you this before Yamada does something he will regret."
"He isn't planning on having it," Chinen says, his eyes unforgiving. "He is going to terminate the pregnancy."
***
Yuto tries to wait on it, but he just can't. After the most intense drumming session he's had in years, he gives up on stop thinking about the whole situation, and he just showers and grabs his car keys. Chinen insisted in giving him Yamada's address and their schedule for the next two weeks even if Yuto swore he wasn't going to do this. Of course, Chinen knew better.
Predictably, Yamada tries to close the door on his face when he sees him, but Yuto's reflexes, for once, are quicker.
"Go away," Yamada pleads, struggling with the door.
"Oh, please, really?" This doesn't even qualify as a cheap drama scene, and Yuto's tolerance is at the end of its rope as it is. "We need to talk, Yama-chan. I know about it, I know everything. We need to talk."
Yamada stops trying to block Yuto's way then, lets him inside his apartment and looks defeated as hell.
"I never should have told Dai-chan, he has the biggest mouth in the entire Agency." Yamada's shoulders are slumped and he looks so tired, Yuto just wants to hold him, even with all the turmoil that are his feelings right now.
"So... are you really... are you going to...?" Yuto's voice sounds scratchy, and this conversation is so bizarre and so painful. He tries to control the hurt, tries not to let it surface as resentment, but it's a lost cause.
"I'm having an abortion. Yes." Yamada tries to remain calm, but Yuto can feel the slight tremor of his voice and, for some reason, this annoys him to no end.
He didn't come here specifically to stop Yamada, the situation is surreal enough to make him feel dazed and he only wanted to make sure Yamada was sure of the decision he was making, because the reality of the whole thing hadn't sunk in yet. But, somehow, the small hesitation in Yamada makes it all hit home in a really ugly way.
Because maybe Yamada does want this, and maybe Yuto himself wants it too, and this situation is so messed up he just doesn't know how to react.
"I never figured you were the kind of guy that gives up so easily." It slips past Yuto's lips, almost without his permission, but it is what he feels, even if he knows it's not what Yamada needs to hear right now.
"Easily?" Yamada snaps, and his eyes harden. "Do you really think any of this is easy?"
"You aren't even putting up a fight!" Yuto yells back, incapable of containing his anger.
"And do what, Yuto, for fuck's sake? Do what? Give up on the group we all fought hard to save?" Yamada takes a couple of steps closer, and their height difference still favors Yuto, but Yamada feels menacing enough, like a trapped animal, unpredictable. "Not giving a fuck and doing as I please, and being a selfish bastard like you were back then?"
"That is not fair!" Yuto forces out, almost out of breath. Low blow.
"You left and never looked back! How was that fair, uh?" Yamada hisses, so much venom dripping from his words he doesn't even need to yell.
"I was fifteen!"
"You broke my heart, okay?!" Yamada's voice cracks and Yuto's soul hurts. "I loved you and you fucking left!"
"That was ten years ago!" Yuto retorts and tries to get closer to Yamada, because he needs to touch him, to embrace him, he needs to make everything all right.
"Yes, it was." Yamada backs away, adds distance to the infinity between them. "And you have no right to barge into my life now, ten years later and make a mess out of it, or question what I plan to do, when all you have ever done is running away."
Yuto takes two long steps forward and traps Yamada against the wall, and maybe Yamada expects that Yuto yells at him, maybe he even expects a slap, an attempt at punching his face. But he clearly doesn't expect Yuto's hand gently cupping his face; Yuto's thumb softly tracing his cheekbones.
"I am sorry," Yuto whispers, his voice wavering and every feeling in his heart tearing him apart. "I am so sorry about the past." Yuto kisses Yamada's forehead, and lets himself have a little bit of faith when he feels Yamada's body trembling at the gesture. "Please let me try to fix this."
"I don't want to," Yamada protests, but his words are feeble, and he is clinging to Yuto's back. "You already messed me up once; I don't want to give you the chance to do it again."
"The last time it wasn't me who ran away," Yuto says, his voice soft against Yamada's temple.
"I was scared. I am scared," Yamada sighs, giving up. "I thought that terminating the pregnancy was the best option but... is it too weird that I want it? Because I do. And I don't know what to do..."
"I want it too," Yuto sighs, and it feels so good to finally be able to say this, to finally have Yamada listen to these words. "I want you, and the baby, and everything. The good and the bad, Ryosuke, I want to have it all with you."
"Yuto..."
They make it to Yamada's bed before they start kissing, and Yuto doesn't realize he is crying until he tastes the salt in their kiss. He laughs, and cries, and the way Yamada clings to his body is a promise, and Yuto wasn't joking when he said he wanted it all.
Yuto is tired afterwards, and he knows Yamada is too, too many words and heavy feelings, enough to render them exhausted, but, for some reason, neither of them can sleep. So he sits on the bed, and Yamada sits between Yuto's legs, leans back to rest his back on Yuto's naked chest.
They fit, they always did.
They talk, in whispers amidst the darkness, about ancient hatred and ancient love, and all the misunderstandings that drove them apart for far too long; they talk about fear, and forgiveness and they talk about the future.
"Move in with me," Yuto says, his voice all air and muffled by Yamada's hair. Yuto always loved the smell of Yamada's shampoo. "Let me take care of you, of both of you."
"Isn't that going too fast?"
"This is ten years due; we are the slowest progressing couple in the whole history of mankind."
"I don't need someone to take care of me," Yamada argues, but he tilts his head in order to kiss Yuto's cheek anyway. "I am not weak."
"No, you aren't. You are one of the strongest persons I've met." Yuto nuzzles Yamada's neck and Yamada smiles soundly. "But, let me? Please?"
Yamada doesn't say a word, but Yuto can feel him wiggling closer into his embrace. And he has his answer.
The first beams of the sun are painting the sky in the warm colors of sunrise, igniting the world and filling it with light and warmth. Spring is near, the winter almost over.
Yuto places one of his hands over Yamada's belly. It is still flat, all hard defined muscles and no sign of the life growing up inside, but it doesn't matter.
"You can't feel it yet; it is still too little," Yamada says, trying to mock Yuto, but his words are drenched in overflowing affection.
"I can feel it," Yuto answers, stubbornly; and it's true. Maybe he can't feel volume or movement or anything palpable. But he feels it anyway.
So, Yuto closes his eyes and lets the rising sunlight bathe him, bathe them, and he smiles, saluting his new life and looking forward to it.
***
Tokyo City, 2023
"And then what happened?" The little girl asks, as she burrows into her bed, her eyes so bright Yuto can't help but smile wide.
"Come on, Yume-chan," Yamada's voice, trying to be stern, reaches them both from the doorway of the bedroom. Yumeka mock cringes and Yuto chuckles, the high pitched chuckle that he knows his daughter loves. "You have heard that story a hundredth times and it's past your bedtime!"
"Please, Ryo-papa." Yumeka raises her head to look at Yamada, and pleads. "Yuto-papa is almost finishing. Just five more minutes."
Yuto hears Yamada's sigh and knows their daughter has won. Again.
"I don't want to hear you whining about being sleepy tomorrow morning," Yamada says anyway, but Yuto can tell it's shallow and just for show. And he stays right there, posed against the doorframe, Yuto can feel him, there is no need for him to look back.
"Well... where were we?" Yuto asks.
"You and Ryo-papa went to live together into a shitty apartment..."
"YUTO!" Yamada's outraged voice makes Yuto cringe this time.
"Sorry!" Yuto says, looking at Yamada at his back and trying not to laugh, because an irritated Yamada has always been hysterical for him. "Yume-chan, don't say that word in front of other people, okay?" Yuto tells his daughter, in the mildest admonishing voice he can find.
Yumeka nods, but Yuto just knows Yamada is rolling his eyes.
"So..." Yuto continues, after a deep breath. "We went to live into a tiny apartment, and Ryo-papa took a long vacation." Almost one year, Yuto remembers, but there's no need to tell Yumeka neither about that nor about the crazy reaction of some of the fans to the news of Yamada's hiatus and how difficult those times were. "And then you came along, and you were the prettiest baby in the entire world."
"Uncle Chinen always says he was cuter when he was a baby," Yumeka interrupts with a pout.
Yamada snorts. "Don't mind uncle Chinen, he is full of it," he says, dismissively.
"Full of what?" Yumeka asks, and they hear Yamada choke.
"If Ryo-papa keeps interrupting this will take longer..." Yuto singsongs.
"Full of what?" Yumeka insists.
"Rainbows and colors," Yuto says. "But you were still the prettiest baby ever." And she was, in Yuto's opinion anyway.
Yumeka seems to accept this. "And then?" She asks and smiles prettily at Yuto, making him melt.
"And then Ryo-papa went back to work with all your uncles and Yuya-chan." Who, at 33 years old, still deems himself too young for having nieces or nephews, in spite of his siblings providing him of some of those too. "And I took care of you, because I could work from home most of the time."
"And Uncle Keito babysat me when you couldn't do it..." Yumeka yawns and rubs her eyes. She is four years old now, but Yuto still can't look at her as anything older than a baby.
"And that's why you have such a big family, Princess," Yamada says, suddenly beside Yuto, as he bents down to plant a kiss on Yumeka's forehead. "Now sleep."
"Goodnight, Yume-chan," Yuto whispers, tucking Yumeka in, and turning off the bedside lamp.
She's out before they can exit the bedroom with blue walls –blue, because that's their daughter favorite color. Yuto closes the door and can't help but chuckle at Yamada's aggravated grimace.
"You spoil her way too much," Yamada reprimands him, but Yuto just pokes Yamada's nose.
"She reminds me too much of you, I can't say no to her either..." Yuto sighs, circling Yamada's shoulders, and Yamada only gives a token protest before holding onto Yuto's waist.
"But then I always have to be the bad parent and she will end up hating me!" Yamada's pout is only half joke, but Yuto kisses it away anyway.
Yamada clings to him, deepens the kiss and backs Yuto against the wall. He's been a little stressed lately, busy with the filming of his latest movie and two days away from a countrywide promotion tour that will take him away from home for almost a month. Yamada always gets anxious when he is apart from Yumeka and Yuto.
"Don't worry. We will be here, waiting for you," Yuto whispers quietly into Yamada's ear, because there is no way this is about anything else, and the way Yamada relaxes against him validates his assessment. "I will always be here for you."
No more running away. Never again. And five years later Yamada should know it, but Yuto is happy to remind him of that as many times as it takes. Maybe forever.
"I love you," Yamada murmurs, so softly against Yuto's chest that he could have imagined it, but he feels Yamada's body heat and knows he is blushing. They don't say the words too often; they prefer showing their affection with deeds.
"I love you too," Yuto says, clear and loud, backing down enough to see Yamada's face. "And maybe we should consider giving Yume-chan a little sister... or brother... don't you think?" Yuto whispers, in a low, low tone, wiggling his eyebrows and pointedly parting Yamada's thighs with one of his.
"No way in hell, Nakajima!" Yamada wheezes, but he is laughing now, and Yuto's work is done for now.
They kiss again, then, and again as they make their clumsy way to their bedroom, and once more when they fall into the bed. And hundreds of times until the morning comes.