"Where have you been all day?" My dad asked as soon as I walked through the door. I tucked my hand in my sleeve slyly, hiding the number George had written on it.
"Psychologists." I answered, eager to get to my bedroom.
"Until nearly night? It's pouring outside I started to get worried." He said, crouched over and looking through a pile of junk mail.
I supposed he had lost something. I didn't ask, otherwise he'd probably tell me he needed help. Helping him was the last thing I felt like doing...too much had happened in my day for me to not want to just go lay on my bed and reflect on it, and write in my journal.
"Oh. I met some friends." I said slowly.
He looked up at me, putting the envelopes in his hand down.
"Friends?" He asked.
I just nodded, I knew he was surprised, but he didn't even seem happy for me...he'd always wanted me to make friends and be more social, what was the big deal? I could see the stress in his eyes.
"Listen, Katie, don't go around calling everyone your...friends...friends are people you--"
"Spend a lot of time with and know everything about," I recited, "I know, dad. I meant I met...new people." I sighed.
He laughed, a false and sarcastic laugh, "look I'm not trying to bring you down I just--"
"I know, dad, it's fine. May I go to my room now?" I asked, growing frustrated with him.
"Well, you're an adult, do what you want." He shrugged, going back to his papers.
I stared at him for a moment, I felt embarrassed all of a sudden. In front of my own father. I felt stupid to have told him I had made...friends today. I felt stupid to have asked to go to my room.
My dad and I were pretty distant from one another. We had an okay relationship, I'm not exactly a daddy's girl or anything close. We have our laughs, our ups, our downs...he's pretty much just whatever. I do love him though.
He looked up at me, wondering why I was still standing there, obviously.
I walked away, finally. Heading upstairs and opening my bedroom door. I had seen all of my school books stacked on my desk.
Sweet! He ordered them already.
Usually my dad was slow at everything, leaving it to him to order my university text books I feared I might not have gotten them at all.I figured my mom had probably called him up and nagged him enough about it. I walked over to the window, watching the rain. London was strange. It was beautiful, probably the most beautiful place I had ever seen...but...I hadn't been many places in my lifetime.
I still couldn't understand why my dad moved so far away...we had nothing here. No family, no friends...and he was so far away from mother...
I took my jacket off and pulled out a hanger from the closet, hanging it on my doorknob to dry off. Then took out my phone, recording George's number to it. I wanted so badly to text him, but it seemed so juvenile. Only in high school was it okay to text so much...I noticed as high school was over, most people only text each other if they needed something, or had something to say really fast...
"It's me Katie." I sent, just so he'd take down my number also. I set down my phone and stood up. I turned back around and stuck it under my pillow. I don't care when he replies. I lied to myself.
I went to the drawer and pulled out some leggings and a comfy t-shirt. I wished I had a pair of sweats...they would have been the most comfortable bit of clothing to own and wear as of now. I didn't have clothes like that...I only even had one pair of leggings. I dressed up a lot, just because I loved to mimic the old time actresses of the late fifties and early sixties...and if I wasn't doing that, I was in jeans. I owned tons and tons of jeans.
Sometimes I don't even know who I am. I'm all kinds of people .One day I'm Marilyn Monroe, the next Joan Jett. How do you just go from that to...that?! I confused even my own self. My style was all over the place.
My notification tone went off.
I turned and looked at my pillow.
I'll change my clothes first, then answer. That way, it seems like I'm a busy person. Not waiting for his reply at all...I started changing, quickly without noticing. "K," I bet that's what he said. What is he supposed to say, "oh hey you're so beautiful I love you let's get married and die together?"
I laughed at my thoughts, you're so stupid.
Oh no...why are you caring so much, you can't like George, you don't even know him. All he did was give you a ride home. Matty was the one you had your eye on, right? Yes. Correct. Stop thinking so much about George.
I sighed and walked over to the bed, plopping down and grabbing my phone from under my pillow.
"Hey, you're actually in your own house now right? Ha."
I smiled right away, he actually asked me a question...he didn't just say..."K."
I sighed and responded, "Yesss...thanks again :)"
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I'd never been so excited for psychology. I had spent all morning changing outfits, I ended up wearing all black...with dark lipstick...MAC's Film Noir. it seemed smart at the time, but now I hoped that when I saw Matty he wouldn't notice that I'd decided to dress like him to get his attention or something. I sat in the same seat as yesterday.
I didn't have to wait, I knew Elaine had no one in her office the moment. But I hoped to see Matty again. Maybe he'll be late...he came in a few minutes after you last time...remember...
I looked at the entrance, feeling like a creep I finally stopped staring at it and looked somewhere else. Elaine came out, looking at me and smiling.
"You're welcome to come in now if you'd like?" She said, her shirt lower cut that even last week. I tried my hardest not to look at her breasts, it's not that I wanted to, they were just there. You couldn't help but to look at them. Maybe she was waiting for Matty too, the way she was dressed.
I smirked at my stupidity.
Why would she be waiting on him anyway? She probably had a husband or something. I wished I could turn my mind off momentarily, but that of course is not possible.
I took a seat, she shut the door and grabbed her clipboard, sitting down also.
"How are you today?" She asked.
"Great." I smiled.
She raised her eyebrows, "well that is an improvement since last week. What's gotten you so up?"
I looked around, smiling still, "I've met people. I usually feel alone all the time, and I am. But I actually met people, and one of those people have been talking to me quite often."
Elaine smiled, "and how does that make you feel?"
I didn't really feel anything except...great..."great." I said.
She positioned herself more in her seat, looking at me, "try to find a deeper explanation of your feelings, a deeper connection with them...than just great."
I closed my eyes for a second, trying to really get in touch with how I felt, "I guess..." I thought a little longer, "...important..." I opened my eyes, Elaine nodded, watching me.
"Like...I actually matter in the world. I'm part of the universe...not just watching it." I said.
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Matty hadn't shown up that day.
I wondered if he'd quit or thought it was stupid...maybe he didn't need it...I didn't need it...my stupid dad just thought I ought to have it with the stress load of university piling on my back that it would blow off the internal steam...he said I bottled myself up too much...and I guess he was right. But that's what I had my journal for, as well as my sketchbook. That's where I released everything.
Every pain and every ache. Every thought in my brain, or illusion of my mind.
Well, at least I wouldn't have to face the embarrassment of him seeing me in all black. Or maybe it wasn't as big a deal as I thought, I mean hey he's not the only person on earth who was allowed to wear the color, right?
I walked out of the entrance door, just as, bumping into someone and falling right onto my ass. My purse fell off my shoulders, all of it's contents spilling onto the floor as I hadn't zipped it before I left Elaine's office.
"I'm so sorry, excuse me," the voice. I looked up, it was Matty.
I quickly tried to put my self together, fixing my hair and grabbing my purse, hurrying to get everything back inside, especially my lady products, even though it was perfectly normal to have them, I still didn't want him to see them. He helped, handing me my California ID card and driver's licenses, while sneaking glances at the photos as he did so.
"Katie," he smiled.
"Hi, Matty, I didn't know it was you." I smiled.
"I didn't know it was...you," he shrugged, "hey look I'm really late, I'm really sorry." He said, walking backwards slowly, "I'll see you later?" He asked.
"I...guess so." I shrugged, I didn't know if he really meant it or if he was just saying it casually...casually of course. Stop over thinking everything.
"Alright, see ya." I waved, smiling as I watched him hurry into Elaine's office.