Chapter 8
AN: Mild swearing. ; )
Also, you may notice I don't mention the name of PP's girlfriend. I respect her real-life relationship with PP and she seems like a really nice girl. In my fic though, she's of course anti-Jessica and I hate her in my fic. So it's probably best not to use a name. Just explaining. : )
And yes. Again. This story is written merely to satisfy PhilJess shipper hearts. No influence whatsoever to their real-life relationships.
Phillip woke up with a pounding headache, sore eyes, and runny nose.
"Damn. This shit hurts," he muttered, trying to stand up. He had a long night.
"Good morning, numskull," a voice whispered, which made Phillip jump.
"What the 'effin fuck-Heejun, you moron!" Phillip exclaimed as he lost his balance and fell back on the bed out of surprise. Heejun was sitting on his bed, watching him. He did not even budge. He's just looking at Phillip with a stoic expression on his face.
Phillip sighed and sat back down properly. "Look, bro, I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry for breaking down last night. It just hurt so much I couldn't bear it," he muttered, a little embarrassed.
"Do you think it's about that?" Heejun asked while shaking his head. "You really are an idiot. And no, stupid, it's not about that. After all, I was the one who asked you to break down. So fooey on me for doing that."
"Then why are you looking at me like that?" Phillip asked with a tired voice, his hands on his face.
"Cause I am scared for you." Heejun simply answered.
"Scared? For me?" Phillip asked as he removed his hands off his face to look at Heejun. "Why?"
"Cause your girlfriend is right outside this door and wants to talk to you," Heejun answered.
"What?" Phillip asked, clearly surprised.
"You heard me."
"When is she still here?" Phillip asked while standing up again.
"About an hour ago," Heejun answered while inspecting his nails. "I wouldn't let her in."
"You made her stay there outside for an hour?" Phillip asked, incredulous, as he rushed to the door to open it for his girlfriend. Heejun was hot on his heels. Phillip's hand was already on the doorknob when Heejun stopped him.
"What are you doing?" Phillip asked him, trying to remove Heejun's hand off his.
"You needed rest so I didn't wake you up," Heejun answered. "Plus you're not ready to face her."
Phillip's hand dropped from the door. His face softened. His friend is just looking out for him. "Thanks bro, but I think I am ready. We need to get this over with. I need to talk to her. We need to settle things between us."
Heejun was shaking his head. "You're not ready, bro. Give yourself at least a few minutes."
"I am ready," Phillip insisted. "Believe me."
"No you're not,' Heejun said firmly. "You have snotty nose, Panda eyes, and a very bad breath. At least make yourself presentable. You need to settle things with her, not hurt her more by letting her see you looking so gloomy and... yucky... and utterly disgusting ... because you spent the whole night crying over another girl who isn't her. Damn you even have... is that drool right there in your chin? Uggh!"
"But---"
"She is not an idiot, you idiot," Heejun says. "And you've been together for the past three years. She wouldn't even mistake those tear stains in your cheek for another. She will know it's not for her, you dolt."
Phillip nodded, finally understanding what Heejun is saying.
"You never know, Phillip," Heejun said while patting his friend's shoulders. "Shit, I didn't imagine myself talking love at this stage in my life... I mean I'm not even falling in love until 40... Uh... shit, am rambling... what I mean is, your talk with her might finally clear your mind and it might finally help you make a decision."
Then Heejun sighed. "Man, I love you, you know that? But this is so fucked up. Man, you have to choose okay? You already talked to Jessica. Now talk to your girlfriend. And then decide, okay? But talk to her later, cause seriously, you smell."
Phillip gave him a small smile and nodded. "Thanks, man. Will you tell her to meet me at the hotel later after rehearsals?"
Heejun nodded. "I will. Now go, take a bath and brush your teeth."
"Yes, Dad," Phillip answered.
Heejun rolled his eyes. He watched Phillip get a clean towel from his bag and went inside the bathroom to take a bath. He waited five more minutes before he opened the door and went out, immediately closing the door.
Phillip's girlfriend, who was leaning on the wall, immediately stood up straight when she noticed Heejun coming out from the room.
"Hey, Heejun!" she called. "Is he awake now? Can I talk to him now?" She looked a little excited and a little nervous.
Heejun shook his head. "Still asleep. Why don't you come visit him later after the rehearsals so you can talk properly? After all, we need to go to rehearsals this morning."
Phillip's girlfriend sighed. "All right. I thought so. I'll come back." She looked so dejected that Heejun felt guilty.
"You go try to talk about it later, okay?" he said while smiling at her. Phillip's girlfriend nodded and embraced Heejun, which made the latter guiltier so he immediately got out of her hug.
"Uh... yeah," he said somewhat awkwardly. "See you around."
Phillip's girlfriend gave him a small smile and walked away. He watched as she disappeared from his sight.
"Oh the things I do for you, Phillips," Heejun muttered.
---
Jessica just finished drying her hair when a knock on their door was heard. Hollie, her roommate, jumped up from the bed to open it.
"Must be Josh," says Hollie excitedly. Jessica, who's still preoccupied by last day's events, didn't even hear Hollie. She just continued to stare into space while combing her hair.
Hollie disturbed her thoughts. "Hey, Jess!"
Jessica jumped, surprised. "Y..yeah?"
Hollie rolled her eyes. "You are so not yourself today. Anyway, you have a visitor. Your knight in shining armor is here," she said, winking. Before Jessica can even say anything, Colton appeared right behind Hollie.
"Hey, Minnie," he said, winking. Jessica just had to smile. Colton never fails to make her smile.
"Hello, my skinny mini Mickey," Jessica answered. "What are you doing here? I thought we'll meet at the lobby?"
Colton grinned and sat beside her on the bed to hold her hands.
"Can't wait to see my Minnie," he said, looking right into her eyes. "And can't wait to see her happy," he finished, to which Jessica blushed.
"Er...am still here," came an amused voice.
Jessica blushed more. Colton laughed.
"Sorry, Hollie," he apologized and turned his attention back to Jessica. "Ready to go now?" he said while standing up and offering his hand to Jessica.
Jessica nodded. "Let's go," she said, giving Colton her best smile. Her heart might be having a difficult time at the moment, but she has to admit that Colton never fails to make her heart feel lighter.
He can really be the one to fix her.
---
Phillip felt refreshed after his bath. It cleared his head a little and somewhat soothed the pain he's feeling.
But it still damn hurts. He knows, once he sees her again, all the pain will come crashing back. Worse, all feelings he has for her will come crashing back.
It is dangerous for him.
Heejun is right. Again. Talking to his girlfriend before seeing Jessica again won't do them any good. He has to have a clear mind when he talks to her.
Phillip found the others at the lobby. Most of them are already there, waiting for the cars to take them to the studio. Everyone greeted him as if yesterday didn't happen.
Except for Deandre, who gave him a look of scrutiny, but not judgment. Phillip gave him a small nod, which Deandre returned, before he sat beside Heejun.
His friend, as usual, was quiet. But he knows Heejun's mind processes a lot of information. His brain is like a microprocessor. Seriously.
"Man," Heejun said after a minute of silence, "just so you know, Colton has leveled up. Please control whatever emotion you will feel, okay? I don't want a part two of yesterday. You will lose fan girls if your face continues to look like a punching bag." Heejun pointed at black spot in his jaw.
Phillip nodded in understanding. "I'll try, man," he said sincerely. Heejun has been a very good friend. It's hard not to grant him a simple wish.
But fate has always been cruel to Phillip--- it wants to immediately test him.
He saw them immediately because he seemed to feel her presence even before he sees her.
Colton just got off the elevator with Jessica. His arms were around her shoulders; her arms were around his waist.
Phillip almost forgot his promise to Heejun. Because when he saw them, he forgot everything but the surge of pain that rushed through him.
It was killing him inside.
When his eyes met hers, he almost broke down. There was pity in her eyes and so much tenderness that it took all of his patience not to get up, grab her, and run away with her somewhere where there is no complication to face.
Phillip gave her a small smile, before averting his gaze.
He tried not to look at her for the rest of the waiting even though his heart is bursting of longing.
----
Jessica's heart ached at the sight of Phillip. She doesn't know if he had gone through the same night, but she had a rough night.
She wasn't able to sleep a wink.
She didn't exactly say goodbye to Phillip. She couldn't. Not yet. The confrontation that happened between them yesterday was not a 'goodbye' for her.
But she couldn't help but feel it was 'goodbye' for Phillip with the way he's acting towards her.
Jessica looked at the guy seated beside her. Colton.
Jessica feels it is unfair for him when she still thinks a lot about Phillip, but she's been honest with Colton too. She hasn't said yes to anything. She hasn't even said I love you back. But yes, she's giving him a chance. She's an idiot if she won't give a special person like him a chance.
But she still can't stop herself from thinking about Phillip. It was clear he was avoiding her. Heejun was prepared to enter this van a while ago, but Phillip had pulled him towards the next van without any word. Heejun, being the nice guy that he is, followed his friend with a goodbye, flying kiss to Colton.
Jessica sighed. She automatically reached for Colton's hand, which made the latter stop talking to Joshua and look at her. Jessica shook her head and laid it on his shoulders. Colton kissed her hand and then squeezed it before turning his attention back to Joshua.
Jessica's heart fluttered a little. Colton's such a naturally sweet guy. She's genuinely wishing that she can give her heart to Colton. She thinks he deserves it better.
Oh what is she even thinking? She knows who owns her heart. Deserving or not. She just wished she knows what Phillip is thinking.
Whether he's doing this to save her heart or to save his.
__
This love story is ridiculous.
Heejun couldn't help but shake his head as he observed the interaction of his three friends. The Idols are at the second day of rehearsals and the top 12 are having the time of their lives watching the performances....
.... Of Jessica, Colton, and Phillip.
I am betting this will be more intense than a possible Pacquiao-Mayweather fight.
Heejun was sitting between Deandre and Joshua at the audience seat at the very back of the theatre, watching the duet happening between Colton and Jessica. He can also see Phillip standing at the foot of the stage, waiting for his turn with Jessica.
Now I am 100% sure that Jimmy suffers from brain damage. Heejun thought. It was him who decided the songs, the order of the performances, the duets, and the group performances.
So when they saw the list this morning, all of their gazes landed on Phillip, Colton, and Jessica. Jessica was blushing, Colton was smiling, Phillip was expressionless.
Colton and Jessica have a duet. Once. Jessica and Phillip have a duet. Twice, them being the winner and the runner up. Phillip and Colton have a duet. And they have a group performance.
Very intelligent, Jimmy. Heejun thought sarcastically. It's not awkward at all.
Heejun looked around to see his idol family in the audience. The girls were gushing at the chemistry between Colton and Jessica. Jeremy was fangirling even though he's a boy. Joshua looked absorbed in the music.
Only he and Deandre were absorbed in three particular people. Deandre because he is Jessica's bestfriend and is really just genuinely concerned with her. While he, Heejun, other than being a loyal friend to Phillip, he's just naturally nosy. So he opened his ears to listen to the girls, who were seated in front of the guys.
"Damn, will you look at that chemistry? Looks like they are so in love!" gushed Erika.
Are you kidding me? It looks like Colton's in love, but Jessica looks like a teen girl meeting her first prom date. She looks nervous for some reason. Well, for a reason. Heejun thought as he gazed at his 'White Guy With A Guitar Friend', who was starting intensely at the two people on the stage.
"If a gaze can bore a hole, Colton would have one in his head right now," Skylar said to Hollie. "Look at the way Phillip is staring at the two of them? Jess looks fidgety and nervous."
Heejun nodded in agreement, even though Skylar isn't really talking to him.
Hollie answered. "It's so sad for PP, Sky. I feel so sad for him. People think Colton's the best for Jessica because PP has a girlfriend, but I don't think so."
Heejun sat up straight to listen more carefully. The music might not be 'LIVE' loud, but it still is loud.
This is Hollie, one of the top four. She was left in the mansion with Phillip and Jessica. And if Joshua seemed oblivious of anything, Hollie seemed different.
"Why do you say that?" Skylar asked, a little too carefully. But Heejun can detect a hint of excitement and relief in her voice. After all, she has a huge crush on Colton.
"You haven't seen them, Sky," says Hollie. "They've become really close during the top 4. I can see them always together-- singing together, laughing together, eating together, and even keeping quiet together. You know, they just sit there together, quiet and all, it's a crazy friendship."
"But that's friendship," Skylar said.
Exactly. Heejun thought.
"At first I thought it was that," Hollie admitted. "I even thought it was a brother-sister thing. But as time passes by, it isn't. You know what, Sky? I even get giddy just seeing the two of them stand beside each other!"
Heejun raised a brow.
Skylar was giggling now and isn't even paying attention to the performance. Her body was completely turned towards Hollie. "Why?"
Hollie answered her, also giggling. "PP seemed really touchy and so overly protective of Jess. He answers for her when they have interviews together. He protects her from overly enthusiastic paparazzi. He makes sure she eats, makes sure she sleeps, makes sure she is smiling all the time. PP is so sweet to her behind the cameras!"
Oh? Phillip hasn't mentioned those 'behind the scenes', that big Ape. Heejun thought.
"People think Colton makes her happy," Hollie said. "Well he does, but Colton is trying. Really trying hard to make her happy. PP isn't even trying. Jess is naturally happy being with him. You should see them, Sky. It's like they have their own world and couldn't really care about anything."
Skylar frowned. "But Phillip loves his girlfriend, right?"
Hollie nodded. "He does. PP is a one-woman man. I think what happened here, however, is that PP never even realized he's falling. He didn't mean to fall. Just like Jessica. She didn't mean to fall too. It was all accidental."
Skylar looked thoughtful. "That's a big possibility, Hollie girl. I just feel so bad for Jessica. Those are two amazing man."
Hollie smiled. "I know, right? Our baby girl will have a hard time choosing!"
They both laughed. Heejun ignored them now. Because he needs to see what Hollie saw. And right now, Colton went down from the stage and replaced by Phillip.
There were only two chairs and PP has his guitar (secretly named Jay) with him. Jessica sat down on the other chair and PP started adjusting the tune of his guitar. They weren't looking at each other. Colton, who was now standing at the foot of the stage, was looking at the two of them with something akin to jealousy in his eyes, though it is not as intense as Phillip's stare.
Then suddenly, the musical director gave them the thumbs up. Phillip started strumming his guitar and Jessica belted out the first lines:
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Heejun was at the edge of his seat. This is what he needs to see.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Jessica finally made eye contact with Phillip. And they both got lost in the meaning song. It was one of the most intense duets he has ever watched.
Heejun got goosies just hearing the perfect blending of their voices and seeing the synchronicity of their movements. And damn that chemistry-- It was exploding from the stage.
And that's when Heejun finally saw it.
---
Colton caught Heejun looking at him and Jessica again. He sighed for the umpteenth time. The man wouldn't just give up. He doesn't know if Heejun's really trying to intimidate him or is just doing this to annoy him. But then, this is Heejun. He isn't just a stubborn guy. He is a loyal friend. Colton is certain he is doing this because he wants to do this and without Phillip knowing.
Speaking of Phillip, he was a tough one to understand. He can feel the longing the guy feels for Jessica and he isn't even Jessica, but still Phillip did not even attempt to go near her. Except for the duets, of course.
And then there was his girlfriend. Right after they arrived, just about five minutes ago, he saw her waiting for Phillip at the lobby. Phillip had immediately gone to her and led her to the elevators.
It's time for them to talk. He knows Phillip's girlfriend personally and she doesn't deserve what is happening either.
He glanced at Jessica, who was talking to Skylar about something. He saw her glance at Phillip and his girlfriend. When he caught her eyes, she smiled at him and shook her head.
But he knows better. Her eyes say it all.
She is worried. She is jealous. She felt dejected.
And most of all... she's in love with Phillip.
Shaking his thoughts and the hurt away, Colton met Heejun's eyes and gave him a small nod, before asking Jessica if he can talk to her. Jessica nodded and said goodnight to the other contestants. Colton led her towards the elevator.
This is his chance and he won't let it go.
---
Phillip let her enter his and Heejun's room first. She obliged. He closed the door softly behind him and followed her to his bed. She sat on it. He sat down beside her.
There was a three feet distance between them.
It was Phillip who broke the silence.
"I'm sorry, babe," he said sadly. He heard her gasp when the endearment left his lips. Phillip ignored it. He needs to say this while he still has the courage.
"I never meant for this to happen," he continued. "I never expected this. We were happy. I had you. You had me. It was perfect for me. It was perfect for us...."
"Then she came," she answered quietly. Phillip did not answer her.
"You know, PP," she said, trying to sound casual although her heart is breaking. "I had wished you did not pass the elimination. I wished that you failed. I wished the judges didn't love you. I wished you didn't make it to the top 2."
"I didn't--"
"Please, PP," she pleaded with desperation. "Listen to me first."
Phillip closed his mouth.
"You know when I met you, I immediately liked you," she said, a little smile on her face. "My friends thought I was crazy cause they said you looked like a geek who doesn't know how to dance and who's more at ease with his guitar than a girl. But I didn't listen to them, PP. I got to know you and I fell in love with you. It wasn't hard, you know."
"It was three years of heaven for me, Phil," she said sadly. "Can you let go of that easily? Cause I can't," she admitted.
Phillip looked at her sadly.
Can I let go of her? Can I let go of everything we had together? Phillip had to ask himself. She has been his strength. His friend. His fan. She even became a nurse just for him. She's given her everything to him. For three years.
Phillip remembered the first time she'd talked to him. He was nervous as hell. She was so beautiful and so intelligent. He was whipped.
He couldn't forget that smile.
When they met again, he swallowed his shyness and asked for her number. They went out a few times, got to know each other.... By the end of the 3rd date, he fell so hard it was hard to get up.
Could he throw those away?
His girlfriend interrupted his thoughts. "Phillip, please, let's start again. I am willing to forget what happened. Just, please, let's start again? Give us another chance. We can do this, Phil. We've done this for three years."
Phillip looked at her and cupped her face between his hands to wipe away the tears that had finally fallen. He gazed on her beautiful eyes. Beautiful eyes that he love so much.
"Don't cry, please," he told her softly. "I don't like seeing you cry."
His girlfriend shook her head. "I can't stop crying, Phil. Not until you tell me you'll give us another chance. You still love me, don't you?"
And that's when his heart decided it should answer for him.
"Yes," Phillip answered honestly. "I still love you... but ... I don't think it's still... it's... it's just not the same anymore," he finally admitted. "I... I don't feel the same anymore. I--"
His girlfriend immediately got his hands off her face as if they burned her.
"What do you mean, Phillip?" The tone of her voice suddenly changed. It suddenly became cold. Freezing. That Phillip had to shudder.
Phillip looked at her and tried to be really honest with her.
"I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore," he whispered.
"So you're breaking up with me," she said. "You're throwing away three years."
Phillip nodded sadly. Yes, he is finally letting her go. It is the right thing to do.
"I felt that way for a quite a long time, now," he said sadly.
"So it's over." It was a statement.
"Yes," Phillip answered. He hated to say this, but he has too. He finally admitted he doesn't love her that way anymore. It made him sad, but he didn't regret saying it. She needs to know. He doesn't want to leave her hanging. It's the least thing he could do to show her respect.
After all, she has once been his everything.
She was quiet for a few minutes. Her tears had stopped. Phillip didn't say anything either. He wanted to give her time.
His ex-girlfriend stood up after awhile, her back to him.
"Do you love her?" she asked so softly that Phillip had thought he imagined it.
"What?" he asked, just in case he misheard. He doesn't want to hurt her further.
"Do you love her?" she asked again, more firmly this time. There was pain in her voice, but there was also determination.
"Yes." It was a simple answer. But it was the most heartfelt 'yes' he has ever given his entire life. "Yes," he repeated. "I am in love with her."
He saw her nod and walked towards his door. But before she went out, she turned to face him again. Phillip was surprised at the look on her face. It was so cold it could freeze a fire.
"Don't think for once that I'll let go of you this easily," she said. "I'm not yet done fighting for you."
And she closed the door with a loud thud.
---
Jessica shrugged the jealousy she felt when she saw Phillip led his girlfriend to his room. She tried to ignore the hurt she felt when she realized that they are probably fixing their relationship for the best.
Stop thinking about him, Jessica! She chastised herself.
Jessica glanced at the man beside her at the elevator. Colton. She really needs to pay more attention to him now. And whatever it is that is happening between them.
They arrived on their floor. Colton held her hand as they walked silently towards her and Hollie's room. When they turned a corner, she thought she saw Phillip's girlfriend, but she shook her head.
Now I'm starting to see things.
When they arrived in front of her door, she turned around to face Colton. She smiled when she saw the gorgeous grin he's sporting.
"So my Mickey," she started, "what do you want to talk about?"
Colton held both of her hands now. Jessica's heart skipped a bit.
"I just want to say goodnight," he says, blushing a little. Jessica thinks he looked cute when he's being all shy.
"And?" she joked.
Colton let out a big sigh. "I don't want to keep this long. I'll get straight to the point, Jess."
And she is suddenly nervous. Well Jess, you asked for it. Here it goes...
Colton squeezed her hands. "Jess, I love you," he says. Jessica's heart did that flutter thing again. "Will you finally give me the chance to make you happy?"
Those words instantly melted her heart. She badly wants to say yes, but---
Colton interrupted her thoughts. "No, if you're not yet ready to answer it, don't yet. But please, think about us. Please?' His voice was pleading, but it was a request, not a demand. His sincerity touched her heart.
So Jessica finally nodded, smiling at the guy who makes her smile.
"I promise to think about us, Colton."
And he let out a sigh of relief before he pulled her and embraced her. "That's my girl." Jessica giggled, but she too tightened her arms around him.
Colton released his hold on her after a while, but only to cup her face between his hands.
"I love you, Jess," he said with so much tenderness that Jessica's heart warmed just by hearing it. "And may I kiss you goodnight?" he added softly.
Jessica smiled and nodded. "Yes, Colton, you may."
Colton gave her the most gorgeous smile she's ever seen on him. He tenderly touched her cheeks before he finally reached down to capture her lips in a sweet kiss.
----
Jessica is still blushing when she closed her door. Her cheeks felt so warm.
And she was smiling.
It's a good thing no one followed us upstairs. Jessica told herself, still feeling the effect of Colton's kiss.
I didn't expect the kiss to feel that... nice. Jessica thought. And her heart's still dancing at the thought of his lips on hers. She sighed.
She was just about to walk away from the door when she heard the doorbell.
Jessica blushed again. It must be Colton. She thought.
She composed herself and plastered a smile on her face, before she opened it:
"Hey, Colt---"
Her voice died on her throat. It wasn't Colton. It was Phillip.
---
"Phillip?" she asked, clearly shocked. "Why are you here?"
Phillip looked so dejected and so heartbroken that Jessica just had to embrace him. She pulled him inside the room, closed the door behind him, then wrapped her arms around his waist.
"PP?" she asked as she felt him slowly return her hug. "PP, are you all right? What happened?"
"I just broke up with her," he whispered.
Jessica was shocked by the news. This is not what she expected. Her heart went to Phillip.
"PP, why?" she asked, concern etched in her voice. "Why did you break up with her?"
Phillip tightened his embrace on her. "Because I don't love her like that anymore, Jess. I felt that way for a very long time already."
Jessica released him from her arms so she can look at him.
"And I saw you and Colton," he said, smiling a little.
Jessica doesn't know what to say.
"So you finally gave him a chance," he said, still smiling at her. For some reason, that smile is penetrating the deepest veins of her heart.
"PP," she said softly, "Colton makes me happy. He'll never hurt me. His feelings are true for me and he's never afraid to show it. Those were enough reasons for me to give him, us, a chance."
Phillip nodded, understanding in his eyes. He is too late after all.
"I wish you and him happiness, Jess," he sincerely said, trying to mask the pain that is suddenly suffocating him again. "So... I.. I need to go," he said, avoiding her eyes. He needs to be away from her. Without waiting for her answer, he turned around to go so she wouldn't see him cry.
Heejun will have to endure another night of devastated Phillip.
He had just opened the door when he heard her:
"PP, why are you really here?"
Her voice was trembling, soft, and pleading. It was the voice that he will never get tired of hearing.
Phillip closed his eyes. This is his last chance to say everything to her. He already lost everything. He already lost her. He has nothing to lose anymore.
So he decided to finally bare what is on his heart.
Without turning to face her, he whispered: "I'm here because I finally realized I'm ready to fight for what I feel for you. I'm here because I want to say I love you. But then... I guess it's already too late."
With those last words, he exited her door. And her life.
He didn't see the tears that finally fell from her eyes.