"You are my life."
12.
3 days. 3 days have past since I lost the baby. 3 days of gut wrenching pain not only emotionally but physically as well seeing a my body is adjusting to the removal from 2 days ago. Bellamy is hurting so much and I hate seeing him in this state. He hides his emotions well but I see it in his face. I blame myself for all of this. Everyone always warned me to be careful and told me not to do certain things because of the baby but I'm stubborn and thought I could do everything I use to. But of course that wasn't the case. I was reckless when I decided to get into a fight with Illian. I don't really fault him, he didn't know I was pregnant. He was just trying to defend himself and although he did harm me a little more than what was necessary to defend himself, I don't blame him. It was all my fault.
I've been avoiding Bellamy, we still sleep in the same bed but sometimes I go to sleep early and he gets in late or vice versa. Our conversations are mostly that of things that need to be done around the ship. I hate it and I know it is my fault too but I just feel as if he blames me too. Which of course I can't blame him either, he was the main one telling me not to do things because of the baby. I never fucking listen though. I know he doesn't hate me, but I hate myself enough for the both of us. I don't know what to do with myself. My thoughts corner me every moment I'm alone and I now think that maybe it was better this way because I would've been a terrible mother. This itself proves it. But Bellamy, Bellamy would've been the best father and I took that from him. I love him more than anything and the fact that I hurt him makes all of this so much harder. Sometimes I think he's probably better off without me because I don't deserve his love. I don't know what I did to have it.
"Taylor, are you in there?" I hear a knock on the door and what seems to be Kanes voice. It was midday and I had just finished taking a quick nap on the couch. I came in here to rest a little because of cramping but I ended up falling asleep. Not that I was complaining, sleep means I don't have to deal with my thoughts for awhile. I clear my throat and sit up.
"Come in." I say. Kane opens the door and closes it behind him.
He takes a seat right by me. I'm a little confused as to why he's here. Maybe to tell me to get back to work.
"How are you feeling?" He asks. I'm tired of this question. Everyone knows so that's all anyone has asked me these past few days. How do they think I'm doing?
"I'm fucking perfect." He flinches at my tone and I sigh.
"I'm sorry. It's just that everyone keeps asking me that. I just lost my baby, I'm not doing okay." I say. This is more than I've talked in the past few days. Kane just has this calming and fatherly vibe about him that it's so easy to just talk to him. My dad tried to talk to me but he's been pretty busy with Abby and Jackson in the medical unit.
"Sorry, I just wanted to check on you. I know you're in pain now but give it time. You won't feel like this forever." He rubs my back.
"Feels like it." I run my hands over my face. I know I look a mess, I never care what I look like but recently my appearance has reached its lowest. My hair is always in my face and such an oily mess. I've seen the dark bags under my eyes too. I guess my appearance is fitting for how I feel.
"I know but it won't be like this forever. I promise. How's Bellamy?"
"He's hurting but he's so good at hiding it. I've been avoiding him."
"Why?"
"Because I don't want him to hate me. I'm giving him his space."
"Taylor, you both lost this baby. He doesn't hate you, you both need each other because only you guys know how this feels. He's in love with you, that ring on your finger proves it."
I toy with the ring as he mentions it.
"Guess I should thank you for giving it to Bellamy to give to me." I smile lightly at him. He smiles back.
"No need to thank me. There was no use for me to keep it. I do love you both as if you were my children, I hope you know that." I smile sincerely at that and lean on his shoulder as he puts his arm around me.
"I do, I love you too, Kane. Thanks for the talk. I just...I don't know how to handle all of this. I don't know what's next."
"You know you're handling this like anyone would. Now you just have to go back to what you were always doing."
"Preparing for primfaya?" I question. He smiles.
"I was thinking more along the lines of being a leader, but yeah." I smile at his words.
"Guess I should get back out there." I say.
"Yeah, but maybe you want to do something with this first." He points at my face. I scoff and shove him as I let out a laugh something I haven't done in what seems like weeks.
I did as instructed by Kane and washed my hair and braided it. I also changed into some different clothes. Something about doing these small things made me feel a little better to get back out there an start helping again. When I walked down the halls people gave me strange looks, probably because I have looked a mess and they know what happened. Word travels fast around here. I walk through the halls until I've finally reached outside.
"Hey, Taylor, you look good." Jack pulls me in for a hug and I squeeze back until he let's me go.
"Thanks, I figured people would start getting scared if I didn't do something."
"Oh and she's joking!" He smiles. I roll my eyes but can't help but smile a little. Jack was the only one who hadn't been walking on egg shells around me these past few days and I was thankful for it. The more people who treated me as if I was broken made me really think I was. In a way I knew I was but I didn't want the reminder all the time. Jack would just talk about random stuff or bring up things we use to do back up in space and it was kind of refreshing talking to him.
"Jack, we need you over here!" Another member of the guard shouts to Jack.
"Duty calls." He tells me before running off to help. I walk further until I can walk outside the gates. I keep walking until I'm around the big pong and then I walk further into the woods. Maybe a walk would help, the air feels cool on my skin and I bask in the smell of the pine trees as I walk. I decide to sit down against a tree and face the way I came from, I can still see Arcadia from here so I rest my head back against the tree.
My mind didn't drift to the miscarriage like it always does. Instead, I remember the time when we were setting up camp around the drop ship. Everyone was so eager and excited to explore earth, we were just a bunch of kids without adults around to tell us what to do or not to do. We were innocent, well as innocent as 100 juveniles could be. We had no idea what this world would become to us, no idea the hardships we would face, the lives we would lose. Earth has made me both strong and weak, sometimes I let my weaknesses over power my strengths and everything crashes down around me.
Losing this baby was my weakness, but the old me would want me to turn it into a strength, something I can learn from and grow from. I lost my baby but that doesn't mean I have to lose myself. And yeah, maybe it was my fault and maybe I could have done things differently but it happened and the more I ponder over what could have been the more I will be hurting myself. I use to be a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, I guess I still am. Maybe something bigger than me, bigger than all of us is the reason why I lost my child. Maybe I just have to let nature take its course because me sitting here thinking about things I could've done different is not going to help me and it sure as hell is not gonna help Bellamy.
As I start to get up figuring someone might wonder where I went, a crack of thunder rings through the sky. Before I know it, a rain drop hits my head as I look up and I feel the sting immediately. Black rain.
I look around to see if there's something I can use as shelter here but there's nothing. I look to Arcadia as the rain starts to pick up burning me but not drenching me because of the trees.
Everything happens for a reason.
-
"Black rain! Everyone inside!" I yell. Everyone starts to panic but they all rush to the ship. I look around making sure everyone is getting inside alright and then me and Kane run inside.
"Where's Octavia?"I ask Kane as I pour water on my neck trying to rid my skin of the burn.
"She's not here. She took off hours ago." He says.
"I gotta find her." I start walking to the entrance again but Kane pulls me back.
"We don't know where she went. But she's smart, she'll find somewhere to hide out."
I swallow hard but listen to him. He's right, Octavia is smart and if she left hours ago she had to of had somewhere in mind, maybe she's already there.
"Has anyone seen Taylor?" I whip my head around to see Jack asking people. I quickly walk up to him.
"Taylor?" I question him. He nods.
"She had came outside awhile ago and I was talking to her and then I saw her walking through the gates." He explains. My heart starts to beat faster and my mind spins.
"How long ago?" I yell.
"Maybe like thirty minutes." He tells me frantically. I try to make my way out again but Kane pushes me back.
"Taylor couldn't have gotten far! She's out there without protection and I'm not gonna sit here and hope for the best. Not a chance!" I yell at him and he sighs.
Before he can say anything we hear something from outside. We both look and see nothing at first but then I see someone running through the gates, it's Taylor.
-
As I take off running the rain starts to pour down harder. My skin burns so bad to the point where I think I might just fall and let the rain take me. But I'll be damned if I let a little rain stop me, I've been through too much to die like this, to die at all.
I'm almost at the gates as the pain become unbearable but I push myself to run faster. Once I'm through the gates I run faster towards the ship where I see Bellamy, Kane, and Jack looking out and now yelling at me to run as if I'm not already. I use what's last of my energy to get there and when I do I almost fall to the floor once I'm inside. Bellamy takes off my jacket and has me take off my shirt. He lets me lean on him as Jack and Kane starting throwing water on me. The water cools my skin a little but the sting is still there. Bellamy rubs water on my face and neck.
"I'm fine, I'm fine." I say as I take in deep breaths. At this point I can barely feel the sting but my lungs were on fire after pushing myself so hard.
"What were you doing out there?" Bellamy questions.
"Getting some air."
He doesn't say anything and instead leads me past everyone cooling themselves down with the water. I knew we were going to our room after we turned down the halls to get there. Once were inside Bellamy leads me to the bed and has me sit down as he goes into one our drawers and pulls his tan shirt out and passes it to me. I take off my bra and put the shirt over me. I also take off my shoes and pull down my pants. I look down at my hands and start twiddling my thumbs. Bellamy kneels in front of me and I look up to see his eyes watery.
"What..." I shake my head and put my hands on his face.
"I could've lost you. We already lost the baby and if I would've lost you..." He shakes his head as a single tear flows down his right cheek. I place my head on his and then wrap my arms around his neck and I lean back on the bed. He follows, hovering over me.
"I know, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Bell. I'm sorry for pushing you away these past few days, you're going through this too. I love you, I love you so much." He leans his head on my collarbone and I run my hand through his hair while rubbing his back with my other.
"I can't lose you. If I lose you, I lose everything." He says lifting up his head to look into my eyes.
"You won't lose me, okay? I'm right here. Always."
A/N:
It has been forever since I posted! I'm so sorry about that but a lot of things have been going on and I started second semester too so I was trying to navigate through that.
But here's the chapter! Bonus part, we get a little bit of Bellamy's point of view, not much but still! I hope you guys liked this chapter! Taylor really wants to get better and part of her is getting better and allowing herself to heal but another part is still upset which is reasonable of course. In this chapter I wanted to showcase Bellamy's emotions a little more because he's upset too and when he thinks about Taylor dying he can't handle it.
Thanks so much for the support on all the books, and especially this one even though I take forever to update most of the time! It honestly means a lot that you guys still enjoy this book and comment on it so thank you times a million!
Much love, xoxo