[Italic(?) in this chapter is not for the diary]
Where am i?
Why am i here?
Shouldn't i be in the operation room right now?
What is this white dress?
Shouldn't i be wearing a hospital gown?
"Minari!!!!"
Did someone called out my name from behind?
Should it turn and see who?
*hug*
Did someone just give me a backhug?
This hands...
The warmth...
This good smell...
I know who you are...
"Chae-Chaeyoung?" I ask.
The person released the backhug and show herself in front of me.
"Yes, Minari. It's me!!!!" She said happily, throw me her ear to ear smile. This cute tiger cub...
But not like her. I can't form a smile on my face...
"Can i touch you?" I asked.
"Of-of course you c-can. Why n-not?"
"Can i reach for you this time?" I am scared.
"You can..."
"Can i walk closer to you this time? Won't you disappear again?" I am scared. I am scared. I am scared. Yes, i am scared. I am scared once i walk closer to her, try to reach for her, she will disappear again..
"Mina. You can feel me. You can touch me. You can walk closer to me. I won't disappear. Didn't i just gave you the backhug? You can feel it right? And now look. I am still here," she said.
But i am scared.
I want to touch your face. I want to hug you. But i am scared it's a lie.
"Mina-ya... why don't you response? You are not happy to see me? To meet me?" She said. Cracked voice could be heard.
It's not like that, Chaeyoung-ah..
"Is my confession from the last letter make you feel awkward with me?" Her face changed red. She's.... she's angry...
Damn it mouth! Say something! Say that it's not true!
"I knew it..." she said as she turned around. Now her back is facing me. "I.... i knew it... i knew it... i knew it," she blame herself as she start punching her own chest.
"I knew it... she doesn't have the same feeling like you have towards her, Chaeyoung. Stop dreaming. Myself just make her feel awkward to be around me. I knew it. What's wrong with me.. didn't i said that i love her? Not like but love. Why am i expecting her to love me back? Stop. This is my fault. Idiot me..." she said to herself as her voice getting ticker and ticker.
Now, Chaeyoung is on the floor hugging her legs and crying out loud.
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, MOUTH! SAY SOMETHING!
"Chaeyoung..."
"STAY AWAY FROM ME!"
"Chaeyoung-ah... it's not like-"
"SHUT UP! LEAVE ME ALONE! GO AWAY!"
Now, not only Chaeyoung who's crying, but also me...
Oh, heart. Please, stay strong for this time. It is my own fault she's like this! Convince her before she vanish!
"Please... Chaeyoung-ah.."
"WHAT?!" Suddenly she stand up angrily and face me with her red crying + angry face. "DIDN'T I TOLD YOU TO GO AWAY?!"
Nooooo, Chaeyoung. I won't!
"WHY ARE YOU STAY QUITE? GO!" She shout angrily as she point to somewhere where i don't know where it will lead to. Everything is white here.
I shook my head. "I don't want..."
"What? You... don't want?...." she's not shouting now. Her voice changed into the soft one. Should i say, the sarcastic one? "Okay, fine. If you don't want, then i will."
Oh shit.
Before she started running away, i grab her hand tightly.
It feels real... i am holding her hand.. i can feel it...
And there's Chaeyoung start to be aggressive, pulling her hand from me.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHAT DO YOU WANT?! WHY ARE YOU HOLDING MY HAND?!" She shout.
It's a lie if i say I'm okay. I'm not okay. Why is she like this? Why she doesn't want to give me chance to say?
She start to run away from me. Shit this whole thing! I can't let her go! I don't want to let go this chance! I must not! I don't want to regret it!
I open my legs and start to run chasing her. Gladly, i got her. I quickly give her a very tight backhug so she can't run away from me again.
"LET. GO. OF. ME!" She shout as she struggle a lot in ny hug.
"NO!" I finally shout at her, releasing my anger. Sorry... i didn't mean too... but i have too...
She stop from doing any action. There was a silent moment when a sobbing sound could be heard.
"I love you too, Chaeyoung-ah.." i finally said it. "My tears... i let out thousands litre of tears for you... why don't you give me chance to speak before you run away?"
I joined her crying.
"Let me go Minari... i know you are lying.. just let go of me.. I'll be okay... don't comfort me with lies.."
"What if i said i am not lying?" I asked.
No response from her.
"I really meant it. I love you. You don't know how lonely i am when you not there, right beside me. Right beside us. You don't know how broke my heart was when you gave us the very last smile. You don't know how high my love towards you. You-"
"Please.... please stop this lies, Mina. I don't want to hear to it!"
I couldn't hold it anymore. I release the hug but i still won't let go of her. I hold her shoulder and make her turn to face me. I hold her shoulder tightly and shaking it to make her wake up. "I AM NOT LYING! I AM BEING HONEST! I AM TELLING THE TRUTH! WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?! Please.... listen to me first, can you?"
"But Mina-"
"SHUT! UP! I AM HURTING TOO! YOU SAID TO US TO SHED OUR TEARS AND SMILE ALWAYS. BE HAPPY. BUT TELL ME HOW CAN I BE HAPPY NOW?! HOW CAN I SMILE RIGHT NOW WHEN PERSON I LOVE DIDN'T WANT TO BELIVE IN ME? DIDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE MY FEELINGS TOWARDS HER? DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR ME OUT? TELL ME! TELL ME HOW CAN I SMILE?! HOW CAN I BE HAPPY AFTER THIS?!"
I know my face is red and ugly right now from crying too much but i don't care. I'm not old yet but i feel like both my knees are weakened and make me knelt on the floor.
"I don't want to live anymore. Let the operation fail..." i said in a very low voice because I'm not dedicating it for Chaeyoung. It's up to her if she heard it or not. I better go now.
Where?
Myself don't know. But i don't want to be around Chaeyoung anymore. I don't want her to be in my sight anymore. Why did she came to me? Being around her didn't make my heart better anymore when she is acting like this. It's worsening. At first, i am so happy that i can finally meet her. I can finally touch, feel and talk to her but what i got for reply?
Chaeyoung knelt down in front of me. She held up my cheeks and make me look into her watery eyes.
Damn it.
"Minari... i am so sorry..." she said.
Hearing that, i closed my eyes, letting go my tears even more. The next thing i know, she hug me tightly.
"I am so sorry, Minariiii. I am so sorry...."
I bring up my hands and wrap it around her small body. Aww she is still small..
"I am so sorry too, Chaeyoung-ah... let's forgive each other..." i said. She cried even louder as a response. Just same like me.
None of us want to break the hug. None of us want to talk, to stop crying.
I don't know for how long we been like that until Chaeyoung calm herself down and started to say something that's break my heart. That I'm really scared for.
"I have to go now... it's time.."
No... no... no... not this! I knew what she meant. She tried to break the hug but every movements she made just make me hug her tighter. No! I won't let her go!
"Minari... don't be like this..."
"No, Chaeyoung! I won't let you go this time!"
"So, are you trying to say that you want to give up from fighting on your disease?"
I couldn't say any words. What am i actually thinking? I don't know...
"Do you really want to go with me?"
Am i really should stop fighting and go with Chaeyoung? Should i? Is it the best? Or the opposite?
"Minari... you can't be like this.. you still have your family. You still have Momo and Dahyun. They love you so much. You shold not stop fighting..."
"But Chaeyoung-"
"Don't you have a diary called let my heart speaks?"
"H-how did you know?"
She didn't answer me but instead she hold my shoulder and push me softly away from her body. I don't know why but this time my hands gave up and let go the hug.
Chaeyoung bring both her hands to my cheeks. She smiled. But i couldn't reply that smile. She use her thumbs to shed my tears that still flowing down my cheeks.
"Of course i knew... but i don't know what's inside that book. What i knew is that the book is about four of us but you and me is the main character in it. Right?"
I just nod.
"What's inside the book? What you wrote?"
"Things that i should have done for you. How i feelings towards you. What i should have said to you when you were still alive but i only said it in my heart. And how i regret it that i didn't be brave to do all all of that."
Tears start to rolling down Chaeyoung's cheeks again.
"Minari..."
The only word that came out from her mouth.
"Chaeyoung-ah... even tho we are in different world, i still and will always put you in my heart. Special place in my heart. I will always remember you. I will take care those things that you gave to me. I love you. I miss you.. we love you.. we miss you.."
"Minari...." again. She pull me into a hug once again.
"Will you wait for me to come to you, Chaeyoung-ah? Will you be lonely?"
"I will always wait for you.. and others.. i am not lonely here... i finally can meet my mom.. but Minari.."
She once again break the hug and hold my shoulder.
"Yes, Chaeyoungie?"
"Please don't stop fighting. Please don't give up. You and others always said this to me and i really fight to the very end. It's not over until it really is. So should you. You should keep on fighting for your life. Fight until the very end."
Should i? Or shouldn't i? But i really want to go with Chaeyoung.
"Should i?" I asked her. She nod without hesitantly. "But i don't want to let you go once again."
"Think about your parents, Dahyun and Momo. What about them? They really put high hope on you. They really believe that you are fighting. I've done fighting on my own battlefield. And now, it's your own battlefield. Fight! Don't lose hope! There are many people who still loves you. Who don't want to lose you. I believe, Momo and Dahyun will be even more sad if they lose you with this short gap when i left you guys."
What she said was true... but i really don't want to let her go this time...
"Chaeyoung..."
"I know it's hard. I know it's really painful. But Mina, believe me, they still want you. They still need you. They are waiting for you. I love you too but i can't see you give up like this just for me... i said, i can wait. I've fought with my own disease until the very end and why can't you? I've fought it for years for you guys and my parents but you? It's not even reach a week yet you say you want to give up? This is your own battlefield. You can't give up!"
Her words.... why it must be hard like this? This wouldn't be happen if the disease chose her!
"Go, Mina. Fight. Fight on your own battlefield until the very end. Don't worry, you'll always be in my heart. I love you guys so much. I am so sorry about everything. I love you.."
But her words were all true. She struggled more than i am right now yet she didn't give up. Me?
Yeah, i should continue fighting.
"I believe in you, Son Chaeyoung. Thank you so much to come into me even for just a short time. Finally i can hear to your lovely voice after a very long time since you couldn't speak. I love you so much.. i will keep on fighting on my own battlefield.."
My vision is blur. I wipe it off to make the vision clear. To see Chaeyoung for the last time before we go apart.
She smiled. I smiled back. Finally...
"Finally, you smiled."
"Thank you so much Chaeyoung..."
"Me too... thank you so much Mina..."
She then hold my chin and get closer to me. She kissed me on my forehead for few seconds. In the meant time, i close my eyes to enjoy it for my very first and very last time. I'm going to miss this...
She pulled herself back and lock her eyes into mine. I couldn't help but to smile at her. She smile at me back. I took this moment to capture every inch of her face in my head. I want to keep this forever.
"One last hug?" She asked and open her arms widely. Of course i want it.
I burst my body into her make her losing her balance and was about to stumble to the floor but she got her balance back and wrap her arms around me tightly for the last time.
How i wish Momo and Dahyun were here too so we can have a group hug...
"I am going to deliver this very warm hug to Dahyun and Momo!" I said excitedly.
"So that you must keep on fighting!" She encourage me.
We stayed like that for a minute. No one is talking but the atmosphere is not awkward at all. We enjoy this for the very last time.
"It's time, Mina-ya.. i don't want your parents, Momo and Dahyun wait for you for too long..."
I release the hug. I accept this.
I look into her eyes for the last time. "Thank you so much Chaeyoung-ah.. forgive me for everything... i will always be loving you and i will always be missing you.." i said as i wave my hand and took steps backward. She did the same.
We are start to growing apart and tears start to filling in my eyes but i wipe it. I don't want my vision to be blur for my last time seeing Chaeyoung. I want to see Chaeyoung with the highest quality for the last time before i go.
"Me too! I am sorry for everything! Say to other that i love them so much!! I will always be loving you, i will always be missing you!!! I will wait for you but you must fight until the very end, okay???~~"
I nod. "Okay!!! BYEE SON CHAEYOUNG!!"
The gap between us already far away making us have to shout.
"BYE MYOUI MINA!! NOW, TURN TO YOUR BACK, CLOSE YOUR EYES, RUN AND NEVER LOOK BACK!! HANG IN THERE!! SEE YOU LATER!!"
I stop taking steps backwards. I want to use this chance wisely to look at her figure for the last time. I nod my head and do as what she told me.
It's time...
I'm going to miss you, Son Chaeyoung...
My very last goodbye and see you later...
"WE NEED MORE BLOOD! THE BLOOD IS NOT ENOUGH!! GO FASTER AND TAKE A NEW ONE!!" Shout someone.
Urghh.. am i in the operation room?
Urghh... I'm in pain... my vision is blur... how long until it's going to end???
"OH! THE PATIENT IS AWAKE!" Shout the same voice. Gosh, i guess he/she no need to shout because i am sure all the nurses/doctors in this room can heard it well. My head hurts..
Ohh? What is this? Why my vision became black?
I guess they put more doses to make me fall asleep..
Yeah... i should fight this pain. I should not give up. I must stay strong.
Thank you very much to my dearest Son Chaeyoung.