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“He just left you there?” Elliott’s mouth was agape. “No. Surely not even he would abandon you somewhere strange at eleven o’clock at night?”
I sighed, rubbing a hand over my face. “It was my fault in a way.”
“Your fault?” Now Elliott just looked angry. “Oh please, Shiloh, explain to me how your boyfriend leaving you stranded at night somewhere you’ve never been before is your fault?”
I winced at the harshness of his words and saw his face soften.
He ran a hand through his hair. “Sorry. I just don’t get it.”
I pressed my lips together. “It wasn’t like it was a rough part of town. Probably as upmarket as you get in Sydney.”
“That makes absolutely no difference. You were still alone.”
“I told him about the ferry trip tomorrow and he started going on about how he didn’t want me to hang out with Calum. I told him that he had no right to order me about. Which he doesn’t, but I didn’t say it very nicely. I provoked him and he got angry and left. I should’ve expected it. He doesn’t deal with confrontation well.”
“And now you’re making excuses for him?” Elliott let out a shocked laugh. “Wow, Shiloh.”
“I’m not making excuses for him! I just…”
“Telling me all the reasons him abandoning you is your fault.”
I crossed my arms across my chest and stared at the floor.
He sighed, reaching out to hug me tightly to his chest. “I’m sorry, Shiloh.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“And it’s not yours either, ok?” He tilted my chin up to face him. “If he’s going to be a douche, it’s not your fault.”
I smiled at him sadly. “Ok.”
“And about tomorrow...” Elliott hesitated. “Are you sure it’s a good idea?”
“It’s better now it’s not the two of us. I couldn’t have done that, I don’t think.” I hesitated, biting my lip. “El?”
“Yeah?”
“Is this a bad idea?”
Elliot sighed and hugged me close again. I rested my head against his chest, hearing the comforting sound of his heartbeat.
“I don’t know.” He said, honestly. “Being around Cal again, it’s the most mixed up I’ve seen you in twelve months, but it’s also the happiest. You’ve got that spark back.”
“Spark?”
“In your eyes. You lost it, when things…”
“When I broke his heart, you mean.”
“You thought you were doing what was best.”
I pulled away to wipe the moisture from my eyes. “And was that my biggest mistake?”
Elliott watched me sympathetically. “I can’t answer that for you, Shi.”
“I don’t know what to do.” My voice was miserable. “Everything was fine until that stupid, stupid accident.”
“It’s gonna be ok, Shiloh.” Elliott kissed the top of my head gently. “I promise.”
And even though I knew I couldn’t possibly believe him, that even Elliott didn’t have the power to command fate, I took a deep breath and let his words soothe me until my eyelids drooped into sleep.
*
I loved the smell of the sea.
Fresh in the morning, the salty breeze curled off the water of the bay and caressed my face, spiraling the curly strands of my hair around its invisible fingers.
I clutched a cup of hot chocolate in my hands, its warmth slowly leaching out of the flimsy cardboard.
The sun was out, but the breeze was cool.
I was wearing a pair of skinny blue jeans, a tan knit jumper and a white scarf, with a pair of brown ankle boots to finish off the look.
I took deep breaths, simultaneously trying to calm myself and invigorate myself with the scent of the sea.
“Elliott, are you feeling ok?” Jaz asked, leaning against the railing. “You look a bit pale.”
He smiled fondly at her. “I’m fine, Jaz, a little tired. Shiloh kept me up all night worrying about her.”
I frowned at him. “We’ve discussed this. It’s not my fault you’re an insomniac.”
“I’m not an insomniac! But I would be able to sleep better at night if I wasn’t worried about you and your little stunts.”
“You should worry about Jaz too then! She’s a nutter!”
“I always worry about Jaz.” Elliott put his arm protectively across his girlfriend’s shoulders and she smiled up at him lovingly. “But she’s the sensible one. She doesn’t keep me up at night with worry.”
“Just for other things.” I added cheekily.
Jaz’s cheeks burnt red and Elliott threw his head back and laughed.
“Shiloh!” Jaz gaped at me.
Elliott kissed her temple. “You’ve been spending too much time with Michael, Shi.”
I grinned.
Michael was known for his well-timed wise cracks.
“Are they far away?” Jaz asked around her blushing cheeks. “The ferry’s about to leave.”
“We’re right here at your service, ma’am.” Ashton’s familiar teasing voice shot through the briny air and the three of us turned in sync.
Ashton dropped Sandy’s hand and moved forwards, collecting me in a bear hug.
I squeaked in surprise.
“I know there’s no such person as Sharon.” He muttered, so only I could hear. “But I’m glad you’re ok.”
I gave him a sheepish smile as I pulled away. “Thanks, Ash.”
Sandy was next, her soft white turtleneck making her hug warm and welcoming.
I made my way down the line, Jaz and Elliott following my example, hugging Delaney and Luke and Michael.
Then there was Calum.
I hesitated slightly, and I could tell he noticed, from the hurt that passed over his expressive eyes.
Damn it.
Then he was in my arms and it took every ounce of determination in me not to let myself relax in their familiar strength and comfort.
I pulled away too soon, with a tight smile. “Hi.”
“Hi.” He replied, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck.
A few seconds of silence passed, where we watched each other cautiously, unsure what to say or do.
I cleared my throat and with forced brightness, clapped my hands. “I think we should get on the ferry, yeah? It’s about to leave.”
There was a chorus of agreement and a scurry of feet as we hurried onto the big seafarer before it took off into the Harbour.
To my surprise, the trip was fun.
We cruised around Sydney Harbour for an hour, switching between the warmth of the cabin and the feel of the wind in our hair on the deck.
Elliott and Jaz attempted a Titanic moment, much to our raucous delight, but it ended abruptly when she nearly toppled overboard in her fit of laughter.
Our friends were perceptive, and Calum and I were never left alone. As the minutes ticked by, I felt any remaining tension fade away and allowed myself to enjoy this time.
We were loud, we were happy.
I felt free, just my friends and I on grey harbour at a single-digit hour of the morning.
When we finally docked, the deck was starting to move with a pack of tourists trying to catch a morning ferry before the noon rush, and as we hopped off, waving at the captain, we were immediately submerged in a swarm of bodies trying to squash on.
I bit down on the inside of my lip; I wasn’t a fan of crowds.
I started to push my way forwards, my eyes darting about for my friends’ faces, but I couldn’t see them.
I wasn’t panicking, this rush was nothing compared to the 5SOS concerts I’d attended in the past, but I was getting twitchy.
Lots of people packed together like sardines made me nervous.
Whatever happened to personal space?
Then I stumbled on my own feet and ended up with my jean-clad bum hitting the chilly concrete.
I glanced up at the people passing by me, no one stopping to offer a hand and a memory hit me, so strongly that I almost gasped.
The concert hall was packed, full of excited fans: girls screaming the boys’ names and chanting their song lyrics.
I was getting twitchy in this crowd by myself, Jaz was supposed to come with me, but her parents had called her away to her cousin’s engagement party, and Elliott was going to the rugby with his dad.
I chewed on the inside of my lip, my nervous habit.
Calum had told me I didn’t have to be in the crowd, (he knew how I felt about them) saying I could wait backstage.
I’d managed a grin and said I’d wanted the “full concert experience”.
I guess I hadn’t prepared myself for the full on concert experience.
Cal had asked the security guard to keep an eye on me as I stood at the front of the mosh pit, and for a while it’d been alright, I’d hung at the front and danced to the familiar songs, grinning up at the boy glowing with happiness in front of me and blushing whenever he caught my eye and winked.
But then the boys ran offstage with a nonchalant wave, and everyone went mental.
I knew they were just headed side stage for a quick drink of water and they’d be back on for the encore in a minute, but apparently not everyone was so clued in.
The girl beside me flung out her arms as she screamed for the boys to come back, her pitch right at the top of her lungs, and her elbow knocked me in the face, sending me toppling to the ground.
No one even looked at me as I landed in an ungraceful heap on the grotty floor.
Instead, the screams intensified and then I was being crowded, the girls surrounding me were closing in, almost stepping on me and I was starting to freak out a little, if I put my hand on the ground to push myself up, they’d step on it!
The screams above me pushed to the point of a siren and as I looked up, baffled, I saw a familiar face and a large hand being held out to me.
I blinked at him and Calum rolled his eyes with a grin, saying: “You’re supposed…”
“…To take it.”
“Huh?” I shook my head back into the present and focused on the tanned hand stretched out to me, and the face, as familiar to me as my own, watching me with the ever-ready grin. My heartbeat picked up, the almost identical nature of the situation would almost have been funny if it wasn’t for the fact that it was Calum and I was on the floor in a crowd.
“You’re supposed to take it.” Cal chuckled, waggling his hand. “To help you get up?”
Dumbly, I took his proffered hand and let him pull me to my feet.
The crowd had all but vanished and as soon as I was upright, I caught sight of the rest of our friends standing to the side, regarding me with a mixture of concerned and amused facial expressions.
Cal led me over to the group and I realised belatedly that I was still clinging to his hand like a lost child.
Almost guiltily, I pulled my hand out of his grip under the guise of dusting off my pants.
Thankfully, Sandy saved the awkward situation with her usual grace and tact. “How does breakfast sound?”
“Sounds perfect!” Delaney jumped in, with a smile. “I don’t know about you lot, but I am starving!”
And so we let Delaney lead the way, claiming she knew the “perfect place”.
Luke walked beside her, their hands entwined, and a small smile crossed my lips as I watched her tilt her head back to accommodate his height as she talked to him, her eyes lit up as she animatedly explained something or other.
“They’re cute, aren’t they?” Calum’s voice at my ear made me jump, but I scrambled for composure.
“Yeah.” I agreed, turning my smile to him. “I always knew it would happen. She was crazy about him for ages.”
“I know.” Cal chuckled. “He had a thing for her as well, just never had the balls to do anything.”
I rolled my eyes good-naturedly. “Sounds like the awkward boy we all know and love.”
We walked in silence for a few moments peacefully, side by side.
“I love your smile.” Cal said, randomly. “I always have. You used to smile all the time.”
I chewed the inside of my lip. “Cal…”
“You don’t have to say anything.” Cal sighed. “I just wanted to tell you. I’m not trying to pull anything, Shi. I mean, apparently we’re both in relationships, just not with each other. And I’m not that guy, you know that. I just wanted you to know.”
I smiled at him, feeling the familiar burn of a blush in my cheeks, which only threatened when Calum was around. “Thanks, Calum.”
“My pleasure.”
Another few minutes of silence followed, but they were less peaceful, as I hesitated over my next words.
I was going to refuse to say them, but then I somehow managed to blurt them out ungracefully. “I’ve missed this.”
Cal looked puzzled. “What?”
“All of it. The gang. Hanging out.”
You.
He didn’t need to hear it; he could read me better than one of his songs.
His warm eyes softened. “I’ve missed it too.”