Chapter One
I tend to wake up in a hot sweaty mess about three times a night. I can't exactly explain why. To anyone actually. Except to the people who know me which would be two, my mom and my best friend. You see my therapist said I needed to live a little. And I mean, that's a lot coming from a forty year old women who spent her days listening to depressing monologues by slightly over dramatic patients who just wanted some attention. If anyone needed a life she did. You could say she at least had great stories to tell over dinner to her superficial friends, joking about client confidentiality.
It's been 2,6067 days since he's died. Believe it or not I have tally marks lining my bedpost counting each day I don't see him. Each day I have to see my mother tear up when doing laundry and each day I feel guilty. I still think it's my fault. Even though doctors and specialist told me even if I had called sooner he was already a goner. But everyday I still run down this plan that I could have done instead. Maybe if I had called 911 right when I saw he was having trouble breathing. Or if I had just pumped his heart a few times more or faster. But they all say shit would have stayed the same.
To make it worse we still live in the same house. Stupid, huh? The thing is mom couldn't afford to buy a new house and she honestly didn't want to give up. And the truth is I didn't either. We lived on the giant hill, and when I say giant I mean giant. It was a beautiful home. Being the person my father was we all knew he'd pick a place like this. He could see the world and he wanted his girls to be the top of it. The house embodied him. Of course she locked up the attic with all his gear. But I still snuck up there at night and looked at all the pictures and articles of him on the walls. I made a fort up there. It was my own little place. I liked it like that. When I was twelve I would even bring Kai up there and we'd pretend that it was our little home. I fell in love with him that day, Kai. He was my only friend and like any stupid, cliche, teen love story I was the best friend that was secretly in love with him. But unlike the story, I wouldn't tell him one day how I would feel and he wouldn't do the same. It wouldn't end in a passionate kiss and rolling credits. Life didn't work like that and you had to be caution. You don't take risks for the hell of it. You take them because you have too.
I go to West Hill High School, I know real original, and I pretty much hate everyone. My only friend is Kai and occasionally a teacher who doesn't present themselves' as the "best friend". I hate high school and not like the dramatic teenage girls who get dumped and can't "show their faces" in school anymore. I really hate school. With a fiery passion that I couldn't ever explain. I do love learning but when you put learning and hormonal horny teenagers in the same equation it doesn't turn out good. There is a reason girls call each other bitches and boys call each other dicks. It's high school. We are forced to fit these social norms to be 'somebody". Whatever the hell that means. How can somebody tell me that even though I exist, breathe, speak, and feel, I am still not a "somebody". It was a stupid concept made by the hippies and the rich. I know that that's too different sides of the spectrum but hear me out. The hippies did it because it made sense with their spirituality. And the rich did it because they needed a brand that could make them money. So you see it was bad and good to begin with. And now I believe everything at some moment becomes corrupted. That idea was just born corrupted.
I'm trying to say I shouldn't have to be anything. A lot of people have a problem with this. They think if I don't define myself then I don't know myself so they've done it for me. I'm like that "Plain Jane", they think my lack of a social life means I have no life. But what these assholes don't realize is that I don't like them. Therefore I will not talk to them. I'm not boring, I think they are. So why should I have to waste time on them. Kai doesn't agree with me. He thinks I should at least try. He doesn't understand though. See Kai he's like me he doesn't take part in high school drama but the only difference is he participates in school athletics."You have to make allies", he always says. He thinks we can't go through high school alone. But all I need is him. Kai, he is cool but not too cool. Girls love him of course. I mean who wouldn't, he could be that model on page two of the latest teen vogue magazine. He was a Costa Rican god.Tan skin that glistened, he blew Edward out of the water. The boys on the other hand kind of hate him and it isn't because he is gorgeous it was because he is too real. He isn't mindless and "having fun" like them. He asks too many questions and gives too many looks for their liking. So he is ultimately stuck with me, while girls throw themselves at him.
It's Sunday. I sit on the couch watching the twilight zone. The perfect amount of thrill and horror. It was classic stuff that was worth watching. Mom's in the kitchen on another business call. It sounds good. Her voice always gets high when she's excited even when she is trying to be professional. My mother is in environmental science she works on making the world a 'better place'. I mean I live in Washington for god sakes of course I would expect her to do something like this. But you know at least I can count on someone making my future better, even if I do end up living in an obese society at least the air will be clean.
"Hey, Sea. Honey? Can you come in here please?" I can hear my mother's voice call me to the kitchen.
"What's up ma?" I look at her with a raised eyebrow, ready for any kind of news.
"Ah, hon. I just got off the phone with Mr. Everglade and he's sending me to the national convention in California to present our 2015 environmental proposal.
"That's great ma." I smile. "So what's the problem" I continue.
"I have to go tomorrow morning." She sighs, twisting the corner of her shirt.
"I still don't see the problem mother." I laugh, swatting her hand away.
"Seattle, I just don't want to have to go. I would have to take you out of school, you'd miss your weekend, and you'd probably be stuck in the hotel room all day. And I certainly don't want you staying here by yourself. What would happen if yo-"
"Ma," I interrupt. "Calm down. I don't have to go. I can easily stay by myself. If it gets bad I can just have Kai stay with me if that makes you feel better." I grab my mother and wrap my arms around her. She tends to overreact and I understand. I'm all she has left.
"I suppose that's fine." She sighs. "Just make sure you guys behave." She grabs my face and kisses my cheek. "I love ya Sea."
"Ditto, ma"
"Ditto?" She rolls her eyes. "really? That's all I get?"
I laugh. "I love you too mother."
She smiles.
"Happy now?"
"Yes," she whispers. "Very."
***
I wrap my neck up with a scarf and jam my feet in some ankle boots my mother bought me for my seventeenth birthday last week. Let's just say it was very uneventful. I didn't throw a major "rager", and people don't like me enough to come anyway even if I had free booze. I shove my heels in my bag having to take out a few books which I really didn't mind and give a quick kiss to my mother making sure to hug her extra tight. She gives me a run down on the house if there is an emergency; how to start up the generator and find the canned food.
I shake her. "Ma! The apocalypse will not come in the three days you are gone! I will be fine!"
She pats my cheek. "Sea, you never know what could happen. You of all people should know that."
It gets quiet and I have to turn my head down so my mother doesn't see my eyes.
I turn and head to the door. "Okay Ma I'm going to head out now. I'll see ya Monday."
I hurry out the door before she tries to talk about what happened. I now I make her feel bad but I don't want to revisit that. I already have to for stupid therapy. I shouldn't have to do it at home too. The cold air hits my face and my eyes begin to water. A mixture of annoyance and heart break fall from my face. I wipe my eyes trying to make the long trek down the hill as fast as possible. As I approach the corner I can see the bus and Kai's big head sticking out of the back window.
"Seaweed! Get your ass on this bus before we leave you in the dust!"
I start to blush and wonder how many of the kids heard that. I was guessing all of them but at least I can thank god barely anyone rode my bus anyway. I climb the steps and pass the few kids who have to sit up front while carrying my huge bag over the rest of the empty seats. I finally reach the back and plop down besides Kai his goofy smile making me laugh.
"Howdy Cowboy," I say in the best country accent I can muster up. "How's your day young buckaroo?"
"Howdy ma'am. I'm doin' dandy well."
"I'm pretty sure 'dandy well' is not a real saying," I say with a raised eyebrow.
"Your questioning my acting skills," he says sarcastically. "Puh-lease like you would know any better. I was being authentic in the moment."
Right before I manage to hit him with a witty comeback the speakers start blasting country music. Kai and I turn to each other and burst into laughter, barely being able to stay in the seat. The bus drivers gives us a mean look from the front and tells us to keep our arms and legs out of the isle.
Kai common, why do we keep riding the bus? You have a freaking car. We have no excuse."
"I told you Seaweed we only get to be kids for a while and once that's gone it's gone forever. I want to be kid for as long as I can."
I stare at him wondering what goes on in his head half the time.
"You're weird." I finally explain.
"That's what makes me charming babe."
"Now you're going a little too far my friend."
"You're right," he similes. "I can't put it all on that. My wonderful good looks also have a part in that."
I laugh, wondering if he actually knows how much truth is in that. Zealand got lucky. Pruberty treated him well. A little too well, if you ask me. In all honesty Zealand got hot the last month of Junior year. Now he had always had his boyish charm but that summer he became a man and everyone noticed.
"What's up with you Seaweed?"
"I'll tell you if you stop calling me Seaweed." I try to bargain with me.
"But it's genius!"
"Sorry to crash your float babe but it's not. I've heard it thousands of times before meeting you."
"Well it's never gonna happen."
"We'll see about that."
"Anyway," I say trying to to get back to our original conversation. "I wanted to know if you wanted to stay over this weekend? Mom's going out of town on business."
"So wait. We are going to be there all by ourselves? No parent supervision?"
"Yeah." I say with caution.
"I'm going to have you all to myself is that right. Oh goody." He says with a mischievous smile.
I start to get uncomfortable and warm. What was this boy saying? I could no longer make eye contact with his handsome face.
"You know what this means?"
"What" I say uneasily.
"PARTY!"
I laugh, my face revealing relief and maybe even disappointment. I realized Kai and I were best friends but it honestly didn't stop me from loving him in a different way. I mean half the school thought we were dating and even Kai's mom made awkward comments when I would come over for dinner. But I think we both stood on this common ground that all we needed right now was a good friend and that was it. Why ruin this amazing relationship with romance?
I take Kais shoulders and try to calm him down from his non stop party planning mumbling.
"Dude I'm not having a party!"
"Seattle! Why not? Common live a little!"
"No way!"
"Please"
"No"
"Pleeease!"
"No, Kai."
"Pretty pleeeeease!"
"Kai I said no!" I say raising my voice becoming a little annoyed.
"Come on Seattle you need other friends besides me."
"I have already tried! They just don't like me." I say defensively.
"That's bullshit, you barely try and you know it. You don't even go to the school parties. You could at least do that!"
"Well I'm sorry I'm some socialite Mr. Social Butterfly." I start to get angry and I can see this conversation is turning kind of serious.
"Sea you know you could at least talk to people!" He's voice begins to get louder but the bus driver throws another death look and he begins to whisper.
"Seattle you need to get your life together we are going to be seniors next year and as bad as you don't want to hear it I'm leaving and going far away. I want be able to see as much so you need someone else to be there for you when I'm gone!" I can see he is trying hard not to yell.
"Just stop. I don't want to talk about this right now."
"No Seattle, the problem is you never want to talk about it. You know its been seven years I think it's time you-"
"You what!" I yell. "start living? Is that what you want? You want me to be a teenager? Well you know what I'm sorry that something awful happened to me as child and I didn't entirely turn out sane and all right. Okay? Nothing I can do about it now!"
The kids up front turn their heads to the back before the bus driver yells to face forward. Kai and I are both quiet. Kai is the first to speak up.
"I'm sorry Seaweed. You know I love you and all I want is the best for you. I don't want to leave and wonder if you are going to be all right."
My insides turn when he says 'I love you' and feel bad for lashing out like that.
"I'm sorry too. I can see where you're coming from and understand that's all for good. Just be patient with me. It will happen when it happens."
Kai's arm suddenly wrap around me and pull me close.
"Seaweed everything is going to be fine. We'll be okay."
I smile and get in closer, my nose pressed up against his shirt. I begin to wonder what it will actually be like with him gone. Will I be able to handle it all? I love Kai and I don't think I can let him go. For the rest of the bus ride I contemplate whether I should just tell him how I feel and wonder if things would still be that same. I look up at his face, my eyes tracing his jaw line.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Nothing." I say looking down.
"Okay Seaweed, what are the plans for this weekend then?"
"How about a movie and some popcorn?"
"Sounds good to me Seaweed."
"If it has to involve food then it always sounds good to you." I laugh.
"You got that right babe." He pulls me close and plants a sloppy kiss on my cheek.
"Kai! That's disgusting! I try to pull away but he pulls me closer.
We start laughing fighting in the back of the bus something that was never new.
"Hey" I angry voice yells from the front, "I told you to calm down!"
Kai and I immediately sit up and fold our hands in our laps. If anyone had been looking at us they'd think we were plain crazy. Our faces were bright red and we were trying desperately not to laugh, biting our lips. We were inseparable.