Song of the Chapter: Patience
"Tell me that you're willing / Then you say you won't./ Can you make your mind up? / Please, I'm losing my patience..."
- x -
The weather was beautiful. A soft and gentle breeze of the warm wind danced around our bodies and hugged our skin in a way of saying, 'Welcome to the beach.'
Shawn and I both carried two empty mason jars in our hands. But seeing as how gigantic his hands were, he managed to carry both in one hand. We walked a couple feet apart before growing closer at the shore.
"I forgot how much I missed this." Shawn says as he sets one jar down in the sand. I gently toss it down and carry the other in my hand. "I never knew collecting seashells could be so...calming."
"Yeah, it is." I say to him. "Why do you think I have so many of these and empty fish bowl filled?"
"How did you come to love this, anyways?" Shawn asks me.
I shrug my shoulders and look around for something to collect. "I dunno, really. It was just something of insomnia one night when I was, I think twelve? I really can't remember. But one night I couldn't sleep and the moon kept peeking through my window and it was the summer my fish died, so I had this big bowl, and I grabbed it, snuck out the house, and started collecting."
"Have you collected any at Chicago?"
"Eh, not much. We have to take a cab or something to the beach, depending on which one we're going to. But there's just those tiny ones that crack under your fingers." I say.
We're quiet as we collect more seashells and sea glass. The waves form music of the night as he and I are the audience. Shawn hums a tune to himself and matches the harmony of the water.
"Does anyone else besides me know you sing?" I ask. "Like Nora or Mia? Or, anyone?"
"No, Nora doesn't know." Shawn says with a nervous chuckle. "But I sing to Mia. And no, no one in the media knows I can sing."
"When was the last time you sang?"
"In the shower."
"Can I put in the interview that you sing? It's okay if you don't want me to."
"I don't know if I want that just yet."
"How come?"
"What would people think if they knew I sang?"
"They'd think, Wow he can sing and kick my ass."
Shawn laughs and nods his head. "I never thought of it that way."
"Well now you can think of it that way." I tell him.
The conversation grows quiet again as we don't know what to say. I think back to what Chloe asked of me. Do you want him to love you? Do I want him to love me?
"I don't know." I whisper aloud.
"Huh?" Shawn asks me.
"Oh, nothing. I was thinking about something."
"What is it?"
"Well...a friend of mine at the office has this..this problem. This guy keeps on sending her these mixed signals." I begin.
"Like what kind? Have you seen these signals?"
"Plenty of times. She and I are absolute best friends. But anyways, back to the signs. He'll drop these hints that he wants to be with her, like, Hey, I missed you so much, and he'll talk about her like if they're meant to be; he even talks to her like that. And when she confronts him about it, he doesn't own up to it."
"Own up to it?"
"Maybe that's not the right wording, but it's like he's saying he doesn't mean any of this. So she keeps coming to me and I don't know what to do."
"It sounds like he's confused. He should make up his mind." Shawn says.
Maybe you should make up your mind, Shawn! Do you like me? Do you love me? Can you make your mind up? Please?
"Well how does your friend feel? Is she giving off hints towards how she feels?" He asks.
"I don't love you anymore." I nod my head. "She's been crystal clear."
"Are you sure? Do you know how she feels inside? Because sometimes we don't always say what we mean, or what we feel, for that matter."
"Sh..She hasn't told me in depth what she feels. I asked her, you know, do you want him to love you? And she hasn't answered back."
"What makes her so sure that he wants to love her?" He asks me.
"It's these hints he always drops."
"Well maybe he's just dropping hints because he doesn't know what she feels. Did you guys think about that?"
Okay, so what you're telling me is you don't know how I feel? Which is why I don't know what you feel? Hm. Noted!
"Ugh, this is so middle school." I say.
"Don't stress her problem. It's not like it's happening with you."
I carefully set my jar down in the sand and sit down, simply giving up and instead watching the moon reflect against the water. Shawn now grabs small stones and smooth sea glass and begins to skip them across the water. I listen to the waves crashing and the stones skipping. The water touches my toes and I continue to look at Shawn while thinking of Chloe's question.
"How do you skip rocks?" I ask him.
"You don't know how to skip?" He replies. I shake my head. "Stand up, I'll show you."
Shawn steps closer to me and takes my hand in his as he helps me up. His hand remains on my hand as he now stands behind me. Shawn let's go of my hand before placing his left hand at my shoulder and holds my right hand in his right hand.
"Okay, so grab the rock." He tells me. "And let your wrist loose, but not too loose."
"This okay?" I ask.
"Mm, like this."
Shawn loosens his grip at my wrist and my wrist becomes loose. "Perfect," he mumbled in my ear.
"Alright, now lean your shoulders back just a bit. Riiiiighhhht there! Okay, now swing your arm back with mine. And, skip." Shawn says.
The smooth rock glides over the water three times before sinking under. "I did it!"
Shawn wraps his arms around me from behind in a hug and spins me around before setting me down on my feet. Woah. His chin rests in the crook of my neck before he lets me go.
"Alright, now you try it all by yourself. I promise I won't make it into a competition." Shawn says.
"Why don't I believe you?" I ask as I squint my eyes at him.
"Damn...you know me far too well."
"Not as much as I used to."
I let out a chuckle and glance at Shawn; the pebble in his hand slips between his fingerprints and lands on the sand beneath us with the softest thud. He looks at me before cocking his head to the side and slightly narrowing his eyes at me.
Uh oh, maybe I shouldn't have said that... Maybe he took offense to it. Great thinking, Jasmine.
"What time does Simone land tomorrow?" He asks me.
"Eleven in the morning." I reply.
"Let's go somewhere, come on, I know just the place."
Before I can reply, Shawn takes my hand in his and begins leading me away from the shore.
= =
"Please don't crash the car." I say to Shawn for the umpteenth time as he switches lanes on the highway. We've - I mean, he's - been driving for about an hour and a half from the Hampton's to the city. Usually it takes about two hours to arrive, but surprisingly more people were coming than going.
"Jeez, Callaghan, how many times are you gonna warn me?" Shawn asks as he turns his blinker off.
"Every time you switch lanes, make a turn, or just, y'know, remain behind the steering wheel of my dads classic car." I reply.
"Alright, well who did he give the keys to?"
"Me! He thought I was gonna drive!"
Shawn glanced at me before looking back at the road. He removes a hand from the steering wheel and wags his finger at me. "Alright you got me there."
"Ten and two!!" I shout at him. I grab his hand and place it back on the steering wheel while he laughs at my panicking.
"Jasmine, I know what I'm doing." Shawn says in a slightly irritated voice.
"Do you? Mr. I Snapchat While I Drive?" I reply.
"For the record, I don't do that anymore." He says.
I let go of his hand and sit back in my seat. The stars shone brightly above and I let the warm wind hug my skin. "Where you taking us?"
"Do you want to be surprised? Or should I ruin it?" He replies.
"I'm very intrigued, but I also love the mystery." I reply while gnawing on my lip.
"Mystery it is." Shawn says. I take my phone from between my thighs and check any emails I have. There's one from Cosmo Anonymous, wanting to talk more about the abortion. I click on it, read the message, and ignore the question: If by any chance you do tell the father, you have twenty days to do so before the deadline.
"Do I get a hint?" I ask.
"What happened to loving the mystery?" Shawn asks me.
"Alright, you got me there." I say.
"Okay so maybe three stops. That's your only hint."
"Three stops?"
"Did I stutter?"
"Relax, Stanley." I say.
"Who?" He replies.
"The Office? You know what, I don't think I want to be with someone who doesn't understand any references from my favorite tv shows."
"Alright, if you so desperately want to get back together, I'll watch The Office and How I Met Your Mother for you." Shawn chuckles and glances at me before looking at the road.
How did he remember I mentioned that show to him?
"Why are you taking me to these three stops? What's the point?" I ask him.
He looks caught off guard; good. I watch as he reaches at the back of his neck and scratches. Usually when he's off guard his eyes try not to go wide but his eyebrows raise up in surprise. My jaw tightened as I wait for his answer, but he stumbles over his words and simply just nervously chuckles.
"Because when are we ever going to be in New York together?" Shawn replies as he places his hand back on the steering wheel. Smart answer...but not smart enough.
"If I guess correctly, we turn back around." I say.
"Now that's not fair." Shawn says as he switched lanes to exit off the highway.
"How come? It it because I'll win?" I reply.
"No, it's because you're gonna lose." He confidently says. "And besides, we're already here."
"Where? We're still on the road... Oh!" I say.
Shawn pulls the car to the side of the road as a few cars continue to pass us. "Four years ago, you threatened to tuck and roll out the car because of a condom I had."
"God, I was such a bitch." I say.
"What? No. I would have done the same thing if I were in your shoes." Shawn tells me.
"I remember I punched the shit out of the dashboard." Shawn says. "I genuinely felt like an asshole for letting you leave so angry like that."
"Is this the first spot?" I ask.
"No. This was just on the way to the first spot." He gets back on the road and continues to drive down the streets that were once familiar to me.
I look at him in genuine confusion. Luckily my stares go unnoticed by him as he continues to drive. Why is he literally taking us down memory lane? He drops hints that he wants me, like the night at the cafe. What did he mean by saying he could love me better now?
"Do you believe in the saying right person, wrong time?" I ask him.
Shawn nods his head. "Definitely."
"Why?" I ask.
"Why?"
"Yes. Why do you believe that?"
He remains in thought before slowing down behind a car at a red light. "You can love a person and think you're meant to be together forever, and I believe that, but I believe the forever part is a little ways down the road, you know what I mean?"
"Elaborate."
"Wait, are you doing your secret interview with me?" Shawn asks.
"No. I'm just curious, and I'm also thinking about my coworker with her guy problem." I lie. "Maybe he's dropping these hints because he wants her for later."
"That's stupid." He says. "If you want someone, you should want them in that moment - in the Now, not the Later."
"Do you want anyone in the Now? Or the Later?" I ask him.
"Is Jeremy Fenn a now or later?" He rebuttals.
Slow down, buddy.
"I'm asking you." I switch.
"And now I'm asking you." He replies.
"Now. Jeremy is a Now." I say. Am I being completely honest with myself here? Let's find out.
"I probably have someone, but I don't know if I want them for now or later." He says.
"Don't you think that's playing with their emotions?" I ask.
"Not if you tell them, or imply." He replies.
Now I got him where I want him - he's right under my thumb. "Have you told this person that?"
Shawn is quiet. He's never been this quiet. Ever. I'm truly puzzled him and he can't detect a reply. Good; it's what he deserves.
"By your silence, I suppose you haven't." He scratched at his tattoo and kept his eyes on the road even thought we were at a red light. "You should probably tell that person. You never know what they could be feeling."
"Why are you asking me this?" Shawn turns to me. The red light glows upon his face and he stares deeply at me. "Why am I the guinea pig?"
"Guinea pig?" I ask, dumbfounded he would even think of himself in that way.
"Yeah. Is this for an article of column or whatever? If it is, leave me out of it. Don't you have any other guy friends you can ask?" He replies. Shawn bites at his nails as he turns his attention back to the road, just in time to catch the light turn green.
I slowly nod my head before noting how he slowed down to make a turn. As the car stops, I swing the door open and get out of the car. Shawn hits the brakes, but the car behind him honks and he's left with no choice but to make the turn and drive down the block.
I take out my phone as I walk across the street and down the block. I dial Chloe, praying she would have something to tell me as I asked for help.
"Hey, where are you guys at?" She answers.
"We're in the city. Listen, is it bad if I can't answer what you asked me on the beach?" I say. "Because he keeps dropping these hints and he won't make up his mind and he's taking me - literally taking me down memory lane!"
"You think he's trying to win you back all over again?" Chloe asks me.
I place a hand at my forehead. "I don't know."
There's a honk behind me and I recognize the sound of it. "Get in the car!"
"Hold on Chloe, he wants me to get back in the car." I say into the line. I place the phone by my side and turn to Shawn. He's driving close to the curb and watching me. "I'm not getting back until you apologize."
"Apologize for what?" He asks me. "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, get in the car."
I narrow my eyes and shake my head at him, "You son of a... you're annoying."
"Jasmine just get in the car! I have some place I want to take you." He says. "Either get in or I'm gonna crash your dads car."
"Crash my dads car and I'll tell him how we really broke up." I reply.
"Son of a ... Fuck, just get in the car! Why do you have to be so stubborn?" He asks me.
"Me? What about you? You completely flipped out on me for simply asking why you haven't told whoever it is that you want for later the truth! Admit it - I'm right." I say. I place the phone by my ear and tell Chloe I have to go and then hang up.
"You're right about what?" Shawn asks me. A car in front of him moves out the way and Shawn parks the car. He gets out and walks over to where I stand. "What are you right about?"
"That you're toying with this persons emotions."
"In what way? Tell me, since you seem to know so much about me."
"I don't know you anymore. I used to, but not no more." I say.
"Oh my god here we go..." he says with a huff.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Listen, I know I broke your heart, stop slapping that in my face."
"I'm not slapping anything in your face. I'm just saying that I don't know you the way I used to."
"Do you want to know me?" He asks.
"I don't know."
"What do you mean by that?"
"I mean I am unsure of what I want."
"Oh, that's so funny! You seem to know what you want about me, but can't know what you want." Shawn fake laughs as he nods his head.
"Oh, I take it by that utterly fake laugh know what you want? Or am I just assuming that I want to know about you again?" I ask.
"No, I know what I want." He nods his head. At this point, we both go back and forth with our words almost as if we've rehearsed this never before done argument plenty of times. We go back and forth like tennis players; neither wants to drop the ball.
"Then tell me Mr. Know-It-All. What do you want? Because you don't know if you want that person now or later, nor do you know if you want to tell them. So" - I place my hands at my hips - "What do you want? Look me in the eyes and tell me what you want because you always seem so sure of yourself. So tell me: what do you want?"
Shawn steps forward and I have never seen him so serious. It send an unnerving feeling inside me and I don't know what to think or even feel.
"I'm here right now and I can look you in the eyes and say to you that I desire you, that I want you again, and that I won't rest until you're mine again. And that's a promise."
Ball dropped.