Had she really just said that? How could she be so stupid? Remo could not have power over her anymore. His kisses shouldn't have her melting at his feet, willing to do anything to keep him kissing her. She was over him.
"I'm hanging by a thread, Jordyn. Please don't tempt me." He blew out a breath. "Well, I guess we know the chemistry between us hasn't changed, even if everything else has."
"Yeah, well, you tempted me first and my resistance is nil. Hardly seems fair. The least you could do is finish what you started."
"What, so you can answer all the questions you have from the past?"
"It's the only one left now. But I guess it's fair that I answer any unanswered questions you might have of me."
"You think I never realized what I meant to you? You told me everything, Jordyn. Everything that popped in your head, frivolous or otherwise. It ripped my heart out to leave you because you had your hands on my heart so tight, the only way I could go was to leave my heart behind. But that's neither here nor there. I can never be the kind of man you need, you deserve. So, now that you know why I left, my only desire is for you move on, to find someone who deserves you and truly appreciates what they have."
How did he even know what kind of man she needed? Wanted? And why the hell did he think he didn't measure up? Did he have her on some kind of pedestal that put her out of his reach? Or had more happened the night he left that made him feel he wasn't worthy of her? Whichever one it was, it didn't matter to her. So what if she was raised with money and he wasn't? So what if he couldn't provide the standard of living her father had.
"In case you're operating under the delusion that I was young and had no idea what life was really like, I still believe people are more important than things. I don't need to have the same standard of living my father provided for me to be happy. Who I'm with is more important than what I have."
"I know you believe that Jordyn, and that material things aren't important to you, but try living the way I grew up, never having enough money to pay the bills, so tired from trying to make ends meet all your frustrations get taken out on the person you're supposed to love more than anyone. You try living with nothing and see how much more important money and things become."
"What are you saying, Remo? That once I've lived the way you did, you'll consider a relationship with me? Once I know what it's like to have nothing, to see things from your perspective, you'll believe me when I say people are what matter? That being with you is what I wanted more than anything my father could buy me?"
"Hell, Jordyn, when did this become a discussion about us being together?"
"When you kissed me and we both knew our hearts' desire hadn't changed the whole time we've been apart."
"You're one sexy lady, Jordyn, and I am a man, after all. Just because I'm hot for you like I was then, doesn't mean I'm still in love with you."
"Liar."
Her eyes burned and her chest bubbled with all the emotions swirling inside her, including fear that he no longer cared, but it wasn't going to stop her from taking the opportunity to fight for what they'd had. To at least give these feelings a chance to be explored as adults. The chance to fight for their relationship which she'd been denied because he left and took the decision out of her hands. When he ran a hand around the back of his neck and looked down at his feet for a moment before looking at her, she knew she was right. He did still care.
"Okay, so what if I am lying? It doesn't change the fact I'm not the man for you. I'm not long-term-relationship material. I may be making good money right now, but this job is not the kind of job a man can do for a lifetime. Max isn't going to be a famous musician forever and he's not offering me a retirement plan. I'm not always going to be in the kind of physical shape it takes to be a bodyguard. And this kind of work certainly isn't a job someone who wants a family does. What happens when, fifteen years from now we have children depending on us and I have no marketable skills to provide for my family. The stress of that kind of responsibility, and all the unknowns, changes how you see people. Besides, I don't want that kind of life for you. I want you to have better. Better materially and certainly a better man than me."
"How dare you decide what is the best life for me? It's my life and I sure as hell don't want to spend it living like my parents do. If I wanted that, I wouldn't have given up the piano. I'm sick to death of all the fake people obsessed with things. I don't want to be around people day in and day out who act like what you wear, what you eat, what you drive, where you shop, the house you have, or how famous you are, are the be-all and end-all of everything."
"Not everyone who makes a good living is like that Jordyn and you know it. I know it. I went to the same school you did, and yeah, a lot of them were like that, but not all of them."
"Just like not all poor people are miserable. It's obvious there's something here you're not telling me. A bigger reason why you think we shouldn't be together, or at least give a relationship between us a try as adults and see where it leads. What is it you're afraid of?"
Finally. She'd prodded him to the point he was angry enough to tell her the rest of the story. He took a step forward and stopped, his eyes flashing sparks, his hands balled into fists at his sides and his cheeks flushed. God he looked amazing. The fact all that fire, all that emotion, was directed at her made her feel alive, and not for a moment did it enter her head he might do something to hurt her.
"You want to know what happened that night? Why we had to leave town? What kind of man I really am? I'm just like my father and that night I'd had enough. I wasn't going to sit there and let my mother take his abuse anymore, so I stood up to him. I'll give you one guess what I did."
"You fought back. That doesn't make you a bad person, Remo."
"I did more than that. I beat him unconscious. If my mother hadn't stopped me, I probably would've killed him. He certainly deserved it for the way he treated my mother for years, the coward. That stubborn woman wanted to stay with him and try to convince him not to have me arrested because she didn't want to ruin my promising future. No way in hell I was letting her. Things had escalated way beyond that. The next time my father lashed out someone would get killed, and it wasn't going to be my mother. I couldn't stay because of what I'd done, and I wasn't going to leave her there with him. I promised her I'd provide for her, that if we left and went somewhere he couldn't find us, she didn't have to worry about being illegal or how she'd support herself. My education wasn't worth the price."
He swiped a hand across his eyes, then flung himself into the leather chair that sat opposite the couch.
"For what it's worth, I'm glad you stood up to your father. And I don't believe you would've killed him if your mother wasn't there. You care too much about others. You're not selfish like your father and it takes a selfish person to physically abuse someone because they're angry and unhappy themselves."
"Don't spout psycho-babble to me, Jordyn. I know what I was feeling inside that night. You've heard the term murderous rage? That's what it felt like. All I could think about was paying him back for every time he struck Mama."
Her heart pounded in her chest and sweat broke out on her brow. Not because of what he'd done to his father, but because of what he believed about himself. She was afraid she wouldn't be able to convince him he wasn't like his father in any way, shape, or form. Afraid she didn't have the right words or the time needed to help him see the kind of person he really was.
She got up and went to kneel at his feet, taking one of his hands in both of hers.
"Remo—"
He shook his head and tried to pull his hand away but she wouldn't let him. "No Jordyn. I know who I am, what I've done, you don't. Remember, I beat people up to get them off of Max. I would've been arrested for physical assault if it wasn't for Max. And that's not the only time I've had to get physical with someone as part of my job. And it doesn't bother me. You understand me? It doesn't bother me. Just like it didn't bother my father to beat up my mother. Oh, he said he was sorry when he was sober and saw the wounds he'd inflicted on her. But it didn't stop him from doing it over and over again, so obviously it didn't really bother him or he would've done something to stop it from happening."
"Remo, just shut up a minute and let me talk. You think I'm some kind of princess in an ivory tower, shielded from the harsh realities of the world just because my father is rich. Well, guess what? I've been on my own for years now and yes, I may have lived in a nice apartment in Manhattan, paid for by my father but that doesn't mean I haven't seen things. I didn't surround myself with rich, privileged people in New York City. I have friends there whose lives growing up sucked just like yours. I've tried to give back by doing volunteer work, donating my time and my heart to help people who are so defeated by their environment they've given up. I've taken psychology classes in school and even considered being a social worker. I know stuff. I know that children raised in abusive homes are filled with anger. Anger that often times doesn't get released in a constructive way and ends up causing more harm. Anger is a normal response to growing up with abuse. Do you understand what I'm saying Remo? It's normal. And yours was bottled up even longer than most kids'. I'm guessing it's because your mother was able to meet a lot of your emotional needs, unlike most kids in the same circumstance."
"Even if what I did to my father was justifiable, and I'm not saying it is, it doesn't excuse all the other times, now, does it?"
"God, you're so stubborn. You realize, don't you, that every time you used your physical strength on someone, it was in defense of someone weaker? Not because you were mad, or wanted to prove you were more of a man because you could beat them up. Or does it give you a thrill when you physically dominate someone?"
She looked him straight in the eye and dared him to be anything but honest with her. If he really was that kind of a man, she needed to know that too. So she could move on.
"Jordyn, I—" He sighed and this time he did yank his hand out of hers. He swiped it down his face and leaned his head back against the chair to look at the ceiling for a moment before returning his attention to her. "Yes, I was defending someone who couldn't defend themselves, but that is neither here nor there. The fact is, I'm capable of doing it and have done it. I can't take the risk of some day lashing out at someone who really does matter to me. I want you to get married, have a family, like you told me when we were in high school that you wanted. I am not the man for the job. If we get involved with each other knowing there's no future in it, feeling the way we do about each other, it can only end in heartache. We're better off not starting something that will go nowhere."
She stood up and took a step back from him, then another. She'd done what she could. At least she had that. And there was no sense flogging a dead horse. She couldn't make him want to have a relationship with her. Maybe he was right. Maybe they were better off moving on now, before their hearts became more involved and made it even harder to get over.
"Well, at least there are no more 'what-ifs' hanging over us, right?"
"Exactly. Closure. If there really is such a thing. Let me show you your room for the night. I'm guessing you can use some time alone to process this whole evening."
At the mention of having time alone weariness washed over her, leaving her feeling emotionally and mentally drained. Suddenly she wanted nothing more than to be by herself.
"Please. I'm done in."
She was so glad Remo had two bedrooms, that she didn't have to take his from him or sleep in the living room where she had no privacy, no door to close everyone and everything out. When she shut the door to the room behind her, she leaned against it wearily for a long while, lacking the energy to do anything else. She didn't even have what it took to cross the room and collapse on the bed, and it was several minutes before she had the strength for it. She'd lost her family and Remo—for the second time—all in the space of a few hours and she felt numb. She had no idea how long she laid on the bed staring at the ceiling, her mind a blank, before she fell asleep.
* * * * *
Remo suspected a stiff drink would serve him well right now, but as he never had the desire to see how much more like his father he was, he hadn't touched a drop of alcohol in his life. Still, he was in desperate need of something to take the edge off, so he headed to the gym in Max's house. Another perk of the job. And as a bodyguard he needed to stay physically fit, so he'd spent plenty of time there. The need to pound something consumed him after having it out with Jordyn and slamming around some weights was the perfect solution.
How could she still believe he was a good person? That he wasn't cut from the same cloth as his father, after he'd told her the things he'd done? The image of his father lying bloody and unconscious rose up from the past to haunt him. Curled up in the fetal position, blood oozing from his nose, mouth and head. His desire to keep on kicking him, even though he was down and could no longer fight back. His mother grabbing him by the waist, trying to hold him back. Collapsing into her arms and crying like a baby rather than the newly-turned eighteen-year-old he was. Catapulting into action when he realized the predicament they were in, grabbing everything they could fit into two suitcases and getting out of the apartment before his father regained consciousness. Trying to be the man his mother needed him to be because of the situation he'd created. And why in the hell had he cried when a couple years later he learned his father had died from alcohol poisoning? He hated his father.
He set the weight machine, sat down and started pounding them up and down, over and over. Clank, clank. Like the noise could obliterate his thoughts, his feelings. Until he realized Max was standing in the doorway with his arms crossed, a scowl on his face. The silence when he stopped was deafening.
"I don't know if I should be mad at you for all that racket this time of night or join you. Does it help?"
"I'm not sure yet. Join me and we'll find out together."
He shrugged and pulled off his t-shirt as he made his way to another weight machine. "Jordyn got you all tied up in knots?"
"And then some. Nothing like your past coming back to haunt you."
"God, women are a pain in the ass. I'm over this whole relationship business. Who needs it?"
"Misery loves company, right? Relationships. Who needs 'em?"
"Not me. Not ever again."
"Let's start a club."