I heard people around me screaming and yelling, but I couldn't place what they were saying. Everything around me seemed to turn into slow motion. I felt my body going weak beneath me, and I fell to the ground. "I'm just dreaming," I told myself over and over again like this was just some stupid nightmare, but it wasn't. It was reality, and it was literally tearing my heart apart piece by piece.
It's my fault. I could have prevented it if I'd just known. It was like a burning knife had been stabbed right into my heart and all I'd done was let it. I was tormented and in that moment I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up again. I couldn't feel my body anymore, and I felt the air like a grid trying to suffocate me. My whole life seemed to be flashing in front of my eyes and no matter what I had changed or done differently everything seemed to lead me right back to this place. To this moment.
I could see shadows move, but they were no longer nothing but a blur to my eyes. No sound was any longer audible, and I just wanted to disappear along with my hearing and my sight. I wanted the pain to stop, and I wanted not to feel again.
A pair of arms grabbed me from the ground and pulled me back to my feet, but I didn't want this. I wanted to be left alone and escape into the darkness and not once look back to this life.
"It'll be okay," I heard his voice whisper into my ear, but I shook my head frantically not believing him.
"Leave me alone!" I yelled or so I thought I did, but I wasn't sure anymore. "Leave me alone," I said again while hitting his chest repeatedly. "Leave!" I demanded, but he didn't budge. He just stood still, and I wondered if I my actions had all been in my head.
"Leave," I tried again, and continued to hit while tears streamed down my face, but it wasn't because I actually wanted him to go. It was just my way to get rid of my anger because of everything that had happened.
"It'll be okay," he said again and wrapped his arms around me as I cried into his chest and as I smelled his familiar cologne my words changed taken me by surprise.
"Don't leave me," I sobbed like a child afraid to say goodbye to their parents on the first day of school. It was foreign territory -something new and something completely scary and I knew then that I would no longer be the same person. I needed him now more than ever.
Harry placed a hand on my nape and pulled me tighter trying to hush me, but it didn't work. When I looked up after some time and directed my gaze away from Harry's warm jacket I noticed the stretcher, and I literally felt my soul tear up in two by the sight. On top were a black plastic back wrapped around the body - her body. I quickly buried my face in Harry's jacket again trying to let go of the reality happening around me. "I'm not leaving you," Harry promised, and though I wanted to smile at the fact that we were actually talking again and that he was being the Harry I had come to like so much, I couldn't. Maya was gone and I couldn't help but wonder if a smile would ever fall upon my lips again.
"Trinity Roberts?" I heard a man's voice behind me, and I quickly pulled away from Harry's comfortable embrace, missing him instantly.
"Y-yes," I mumbled trying to pull myself together.
"Hi. I'm William Abraham," he showed me his badge letting me know he was from the police. I gulped. I didn't want to have to be interrogated, but I knew it was probably necessary.
"So you were Miss Evans roommate?" He asked, and I nodded. It felt odd to me to speak about her in past tense and even more odd to talk about her as Miss Evans.
"Can't this fucking wait? Her roommate just died for fuck sake!" Harry yelled taken me aback by his use of words.
Died.
I knew that was exactly what had happened, but the fact that he had just used the word so normally startled me.
"Sir, I need you to calm down. I understand that you're upset."
"Don't fucking tell me to do anything! Can't you see she's shaken up?" Harry yelled, and if I wasn't mistaken I saw water in his eyes.
"Sir this is serious. We need this information for the investigation."
"What investigation! This isn't a fucking crime scene," Harry was furious, and I couldn't blame him, but I got a feeling his anger wasn't due to the police officer.
"Harry, it's okay," I told him and gave his hand a small squeeze though I knew my words weren't convincing since my tears never stopped from falling.
"You were the one who found her?" Mr. Abraham asked continuing with his interrogation.
"Y-yes," I stuttered as I saw the scene replaying in my mind and a gasp left my mouth.
"Can't you see this isn't helping her?" Harry asked, and I wanted to thank him for thinking of me, but I just wanted this over with.
"Sir, it'll only take a few more minutes," his eyes diverted from Harry back to me, "and you found her unconscious?"
I nodded again.
"Can you describe the scene for me?" He asked, and not until then did I notice the recorder in his left hand.
"Uhm-," I started, feeling uncomfortable having to relive the moment, but if they needed this to make sure Maya hadn't been killed I needed to give them the information.
"This is paining her!" Harry stated, and the officer shot him a glare.
"She was lying on her back and there was a vodka bottle. It was half empty or half full depending on how you look at it," I blurted out . "There was a bottle of pills. I'm not sure which ones but I know we had Advils in the cabinet," I ran my tongue over my lips and continued hesitantly. "And then there was the blood that had been coming out of her nose."
"Was it normal for Ms. Evans to take drugs?"
I was startled by his words and I wasn't sure how to answer his question. "I-I don't know, maybe. She was out a lot," I spoke truthfully and tried to prevent new tears from falling but couldn't.
"And you didn't find anything out of place or got the impression that someone might have wanted to hurt her?" I shook my head, trying to erase the thought of something like what he was insinuating might actually have taken place.
"Thank you. I think we're done for now," he said with a small smile, and a nod and when he left I buried by head into the warmth of Harry's jacket once more.
Tears cascaded down my cheeks as I thought the possibility of someone actually hurting Maya through. "She's not gone. She's not gone," I cried continuously, while Harry once again tried to calm me. Though I wanted to be mad at him for how he had treated me recently I wasn't and I thanked God for actually having him with me right now. If he wasn't, I knew I would have done something irrational and being close to him felt surprisingly good.
People began to leave the scene and I wondered how so many people from uni had even found out about this in such a short amount of time. "How'd you know?" I mumbled, and Harry brushed a string of hair behind my ear.
"Know what?" He spoke softly, yet I couldn't help but notice the resemblance between his voice and a young boy's.
"What had happened?" I asked trying to put Maya's passing in a nice way.
"Word spread. Someone must have seen the ambulance and started scattering around putting it on social media. It started a chain reaction," Harry mumbled into my hair, and I hated the fact that Maya had just been the latest gossip around campus. This shouldn't have happened. None of it should.
"Miss Roberts?" A female voice asked, and I wiped away my tears and looked at her.
"Yes," I whispered, but it was loud enough for her to hear.
"It's all clear. We cleaned everything up in the bathroom," she explained to me as if she was a cleaning lady, and I had shivers running down my spine at her use of words because what she really meant was that they had removed the body and checked it for any signs of homicide, and I wondered how much time had actually passed since the paramedics had come.
I didn't reply, I just fell to the ground when I watched her walk away and reality started to sink in again. "She's gone," I mumbled on the ground between my sobs. "She's gone, and it's all my fault."
"It isn't your fault," I heard Harry say, and he placed his hands on my waist and pulled me back up. His touch sent tingles through my body, and I hated myself for thinking of that in this situation.
"It is. Everything is my fault," I spoke into his chest with my quivering body. "I should have known. I knew she wasn't okay and- and I could have prevented this."
Harry's hand ran up and down my back trying to soothe me, but I remained in the same mess. "Listen to me, this isn't your fault. Don't you dare say this is your fault," he said, and he sounded frustrated, angry perhaps even.
I pulled back and looked him in the eyes and noticed the tears and whether or not he was crying because of Maya I didn't know but it hurt me nonetheless. His hurting gaze was paining me, and I couldn't bare staring into his eyes that were now nothing but a cold, grey color. "But it is. I knew she wasn't okay. I knew it!" I fought back crying.
Harry gave me a small smile and wiped away my tears with his thumb. "It's not. You couldn't have known this would happen," he spoke and pulled me closer as goose bumps arose all over my body. It's all my fault. A voice inside my head kept repeating itself and the more times it did, I started to believe it was actually true. "You are freezing," Harry stated, and I shook my head. I didn't want him to have to care for me. I was fine, and he didn't need to worry, but the look on his face told me that he most definitely did.
"Cmon, let's get you inside," he told me and without getting a reply he started to lead me inside the building with a hand still placed on my waist. I noticed the woman from earlier leave in a car and that people were staring at us, but I couldn't care less about the outside world in that moment. I just wanted to disappear into nothing and forget all of it ever happened.
When we both stepped inside the apartment, I felt everything hit me like a brick wall, as I remembered how I had rapidly walked to the bathroom last time I stepped into that hallway only to find my worst nightmare. I couldn't stop my crying and old nightmares from my past resurfaced in my mind. She was gone and so were so many other people in my life. Harry wrapped his arms around me once again, and I was really thankful he was here. "You hungry? I could go buy some food? Would you like pizza or do you prefer something else?" He mumbled, and I could tell everything was affecting him as well.
I shook my head and gave him a small, heartbroken smile that didn't reach my eyes. "I'm not hungry." I spoke honestly though I hadn't eaten since this morning and I was sure it was around 6m. But just the thought of food gave me the urge to throw up and in all honesty, I couldn't imagine having Harry leave me here alone. Getting back outside into the cold didn't seem appealing either. But honestly neither did staying here where everything reminded me of her.
"Should I call someone for you? I'm sure you'd prefer having someone else here instead of me," he spoke rapidly and placed a hand on his nape. He was nervous I could tell, and I wondered whether or not I should tell him that there really wasn't anyone I could call. I knew Niall would come right away, but it wasn't fair on him to keep calling whenever I had a problem. And I also knew that right now I really wanted Harry here.
"No, it's okay," I told him and headed for the kitchen to grab a glass of water.
"Do you want anything?" I asked trying not to sound weak as I filled the glass. I was trying to be polite but I never got my question answered since I couldn't prevent the glass from falling out of my hand and the water from splashing all over my shirt.
Harry noticed this and placed his hands on my shoulders. It was strange to think that having him here could feel so strange, yet so good at the same time. "It'll be okay," he spoke softly into my ear, and a shiver ran down my spine as I tried to prevent new tears from falling. I desperately wanted to believe what he was saying was true, but I was afraid it wouldn't be.
"Please don't leave me," I said before turning around to bury my head in the crook of his neck. His cologne was comforting, and I knew how pathetic I must have sounded, but I didn't care. I needed him and if he could make me feel just the slightest bit better I needed to let him despite everything that had happened between us.
"I'm not," he promised and for some reason it was like that was all it took for a stone to be lifted off my chest.