Her heart, wildly hammering, trapped in her chest, sweat on her forehead, she got up with a fright. So this is why the nightmare filled her with dread, because beyond the closed door was the memory of the man she had fallen in love with and had denied her own feelings, denied his importance to her, because she didn't want to share with him her own past, didn't think there was a future.
Zubiya sat on the bed and tried to rub away his picture away from her eyes, but her brain had its own will that day. It refused to obey her, and kept throwing up his images from that other life she had lived, Asfand, looking at her with curiosity trying to read her expressions that afternoon with Faryal; looking at her on a rainy night, conscious and trying to keep a distance; Asfand, with his eyes fixed on her, deep in love,uncaring of others, in the midst of a sea of people; and, finally Asfand, struggling to understand why she denied she loved him, shell shocked at the way she had just thrown his love back at him.
This is where their story ended because soon after that last meeting, she had pushed a hastily written resignation letter at Dr Shehroze, said her goodbyes hurriedly to Dr Asifa, Dr Haroon and Gaiti. They had all been shocked but there really was nothing she could offer as comforting explanation. Gaiti specially had guessed immediately that it was to do with her brother in law, and had offered her support. In that candid moment, Zubiya had told Gaiti that she didn't think she could be a good enough partner for Dr A, and that her past life was too complicated for them to have any future together.
After leaving Neelum Valley she had taken her Khala Ammi's support and started working in a small hospital. Still the fact that he was in the same country, a few hundred miles away had seemed such a comfort and such a temptation that everyday she would find herself thinking of giving it all up and returning back to Neelum Valley, her pride in shreds. Slowly she realized that she had to be so far away that her treacherous heart could no longer find its way back to him. She started applying for graduate programs in the US and UK, hoping her savings would let her find a good school. She did find an admission in UCSF in their graduate program on Pediatric Surgery, yet even with full ride scholarship, she felt undecided. The decision got made when she happened to meet a nurse from her old workplace who casually informed her that Dr Asfandyar and Dr Gaiti were on leave to prepare for the wedding in the family.
She thought, so he was getting married... And her mind had taunted her... why did she think he would never get married after she rejected him?
Because I am still suffering and how could he forget everything so soon, she answered her mind.........And her mind laughed back in derision...maybe it was to forget her and put a full stop to all the pain she had needlessly caused.
She had suffered the news for days and everyday she would find herself dialing Gaiti to ask her if it was true; she never could dial. But finally one day she had been so restless and upset and had not slept or eaten for days in her tormented agony, she had indeed called up Gaiti, who had picked up after 7-8 rings and had replied in a whisper, " Zubiya?"
Z: Gaiti, yes it is me. How are you?
G: Zubiya, right now the Nikaah ceremony is about to start. Let me call you after 2 days? Okay? Wait for my call?"
Zubiya had put the phone down. She had checked out Faryal's facebook page just to give herself more agony and found it flooded with congratulations on her wedding. She was in shock but her way forward in life was suddenly very clear. She had gone to her hospital, submitted her resignation, booked her flight for San Francisco, which she had been avoiding for weeks and faxed her acceptance to the graduate program starting in a couple of weeks. And that was how Zubiya had thought she had left behind the man she had loved.
Back to the present, Zubiya sighed and stood up, looking out at the wintery dark evening even though it was only 4 pm. Why did she still keep thinking about him? He must be married and who knows may even have a child by now. Just as well, she had walked out when she did. Their relationship would not have survived the day he would have discovered about Rameez. At least one of them was happy this way. She would manage without love, as she always had...She didn't think she deserved love. Not the way he deserved love. She sent a prayer up for his happiness and hoped he was happy with his wife (Faryal?) She decided then she wanted a clean break from her past.
The next weekend Zubiya, egged on by her enthusiastic friends , went in for a beautifully styled haircut, her hair still the same length but cut in waves to frame her petite face. She also got some beautiful trousers, skirts and coats. At least, now, when she went for work she looked really pretty and well turned out and not as if she was pining away for a lost love in her regulation jeans, UCSF sweatshirt and scrunched up plait as before.
But fate, as always, had other plans.
The day dawned cold and wet and windy, the omnipresent San Francisco fog, affectionately named Karl by residents, an annual fixture all winter. Dr Zubiya and her fellow pediatric residents Dr Nicole, Dr Avi, Dr Greg and her friend Dr Xander, were all hurrying back from lunch, up the very steep Parnassus hill, racing to reach the Pediatric ward, as the Chief Surgeon had buzzed their beepers for an emergency meeting. All of them were laughing at Greg's exaggerated story of his last night's date which clearly had not been a success but had given him dramatic material for his very popular mimicry acts for the next month or so. As they all raced in at the entrance to the hospital, glad to be out of the cold wind whipping their hair, they came upon their super sexy boss Dr Linda Wyn and Dr John B, the world famous chief surgeon at the hospital entrance, going in with someone. Dr Wyn, famed for chewing residents up and spitting out their bones, turned towards them and froze their boisterous entrance with her icy stare. All five of them stopped short, their laughs cut off midway, while the two senior doctors and their visitor, a man clad in a sharp navy suit, a blue shirt and a fawn overcoat, turned towards them.
Dr John B: " Oh hello We were just going up to Floor 19. You four have a meeting now with our visitor from Pakistan, Dr Asfandyar Khan, who we are really excited to host. So guys, here is the young doctor we have been hearing about who has a new procedure for pediatric cardiac surgery for the bicuspid and tricuspid valve. And Dr..(stumbling over his name), these are our young surgeons specializing in pediatric surgery.
Dr A: ( smiling at Dr John) Call me Asfand please. I realise my name may be a bit difficult for you.
Dr Linda(taking charge): Thanks, Dr Asfand, let me introduce you. This is Dr Nicole from USA, Dr Greg from Ireland, Dr Avi from India and this, of course, is Dr Zubiya from your own country. They are all doing their graduate degree in pediatric surgery and work in my clinic.
Asfand looked at each of them and his eyes were cold and distant as they stopped on Zubiya. The blood rushed to Zubiya's cheeks and she turned icy cold and white hot at the same time. Her legs gave way and she stumbled a bit.
Dr Greg and Dr Nicole nearest to her caught her "Woah, what's up Zee?'
Asfand still looked at Zubiya fixedly, expressionlessly. He noticed the fifth person in their group, who was standing away, immediately came up as Zubiya stumbled and whom the other doctors immediately gave way to, as if he was a closer friend of the girl. The girl was still staring at Asfand as if she had seen a ghost. The tall good looking boy with his blond hair falling down his forehead, looked down in concern at Zubiya and asked, "What happened Zee. Do you want to sit down?"
Zee finally turned away from looking at Asfand and looked at Xander and said something inaudibly.
Dr Linda, impatient as usual, interrupted this conversation and said," Young man, I don't recall seeing you in Peds"
Xander, straightened up and laughed, "No Dr Wyn, I am from their cohort but a resident in Psychiatry. I am Dr Alexander Graf."
As others talked, Asfand noted that Zubiya looked back at Xander who was walking away, almost as if her security blanket was taken away. He saw Xander look back and signal to Zubiya to talk on phone later and saw Zubiya nod. Asfand's jaw clenched and he felt sheer, murderous rage. He replaced the helplessness he was feeling with an expression of contempt for her and was gratified to see her, looking scared and lost and near tears when she looked at him.
As everyone rode up in the elevator, Zubi, holding on to the lift rails, trying to be as inconspicuous between Greg and Avi, looked at Asfand, hungrily, looking at his straight back resolutely turned away from her, smelled his after shave, which was distinct to her even in the melee of so many people and briefly closed her eyes. Even as she was going crazy just being in his presence, she could clearly feel the waves of hatred and anger emanating from him.
She thought "Why did you have to come? I was just learning to survive without you."
As clearly as if she had spoken those thoughts aloud, he turned and looked at her taking in her pretty white frilly shirt and black trousers, her long coat, her hair messed up by the wind and her beautiful dark eyes. He thought, she looked beautiful and fragile, making men around her want to protect her. But only he knew how much pain she caused to people who loved her. It was all a lie. And he wouldn't let her go away this time without paying a price for destroying his life. He looked at her coldly and looked away as if she had no value or consequence to him.