(By the way I LOVE THIS SONG)
Name- Flame
I recommend changing the name, as Flame is the name of the SkyWing alternative.
Age- About 27 years
I love it. 16+ dragons are always great.
Gender- Female
We gotta have 'em females :D
Sexuality- Straight
Alrighty.
Tribe- RainWing/SkyWing
This is a very... interesting hybrid. It's not the most unlikely, but it's not the most likeliest of hybrids either. I'm quite curious on how her parents came to be — SkyWings and RainWings don't travel outside their kingdom normally, and SkyWings are usually very grumpy and their grumpy personalities don't really match well with the hyperactive and joyful nature of almost all RainWings. I'm very curious indeed.
Abilities- Quite smart and a great Strategist, Can breathe fire, shoot venom, Fly fast, And Camouflage. Doesn't have the Prehensile tail of a RainWing, and the SunShine doesn't effect her.
There are three things I strongly suggest changing.
1 — Breathing Fire. I actually recommend you keep this, but with a heavy drawback, like it's really weak fire AND it burns her throat when she uses it.
2 — Shooting Venom. In your backstory, it says it is powerful enough to kill. A Rain/Sky hybrid probably wouldn't even have venom in the first place, let alone venom strong enough to kill. I strongly recommend completely taking out the venom altogether, or at least making the venom very weak.
3 — Camouflage. A Rain/Sky hybrid probably wouldn't have complete camouflage. I strongly recommend taking the camouflage out as well, or at least making it only patches of her scales can change color (and the rest is a solid color).
This is probably how I would do it if I were you:
"Quite smart and a great Strategist, can breathe fire but the fire is a lot weaker than normal fire, flies faster than normal RainWings but slower than normal SkyWings, has camouflage but it only appears in small patches on her body."
Rank- Is the leader of a rather large group of Hybrids called the Sparks Of Justice who help each other and in unfair wars.
Ooh, interesting. Although, I have seen this quite a few times...
Appearance- has a Quite large RainWing body and a large frame. She also has large wings, a SkyWing tail, horns, And face shape. Has three triangle Tattoos under both eyes. {See my profile pic or OC book for reference} along with a tattoo of a Lightning bolt between her wings. She Has several small scars and one large on on her side. Her scales are usually red, orange, and yellow. Her eyes are a Pale-ish amber color. She usually wears a gold band on her right arm and two small gold hoops in her left ear. Has a few rubies set into her scales along her neck.
I really do love the appearance. But how did she get the tattoos, the gold band and hoops, and rubies? Is she wealthy? I would imagine this would be quite costly.
Personality-
Is very intelligent and loves to read. She is quite grumpy most of the time, but can be very kind and loving. She gets stressed out a lot and when she does she gets horribly mean and sarcastic. She is very untrusting of others, but once she does trust some One she gets very attached. She can get agitated quite easily, but Overall though she is very loyal to her people.
I really like this personality, and it really does fit. I strongly recommend keeping this.
Backstory- Her father Coal raised her alone and away from the other tribes.
I'm assuming Coal is a SkyWing, judging by the name.
He left a lot because of a war between the SkyWings and RainWings. {SkyWings were trying to seize the rainforest}
Maybe you could've gone further into detail about this. Why are they trying to get the rainforest? What happened to their home? Did their home get destroyed or something, or do they need the kingdom for other purposes?
she usually was alone, but didn't explore much because of what her father told her of the world.
What did he tell her?
One day when she was about 7 or 6 a SkyWing discovered her. Flame panicked and shot venom out which killed the SkyWing.
It's very unlikely a Sky/Rain would be able to produce a venom strong enough to kill. I highly recommend you remove that.
She felt so guilty she ran away.
I have seen this cliché MANY times. I highly recommend using something else to get her to leave, because this is so common.
After a few days of trying to find food and shelter she stumbled upon a group of 10 or so hybrids.
Just like that? Where were they? Out and about? Were they in the desert or something? What kind of hybrids? Can you give examples? Did she make friends? If so, what kind of hybrids were they and what were their names?
They took her in and after a few years she started helping more hybrids get away from their tribes and join them. Naturally over time she became their leader and they started calling themselves the Sparks Of Justice.
Did they all the sudden just... decide to name themselves that? Was there a specific reason behind why they chose the name, or was it just to sound really cool?
It's like:
Flame: *sits down* *dramatic pause* .. okay guys, I'm sure you're all wondering why I've gathered you here today
*silence*
Flame: So. I've decided we're gonna be called "Sparks of Justice." Sounds cool doesn't it?
*someone slowly raises their talon*
Flame: Yes?
Random dragon: Um, why Sparks of-
Flame: Because I said so.
Random dragon: ...
Flame: Any more questions?
A SandWing/SkyWing hybrid that she took in one day reported that the war was just going on because the Queen's father supposedly died by a RainWing.
Oh, yes, I can see how this would lead to war. But why are they trying to take the rainforest, if that's the case?
The Sparks of Justice began to fight on the RainWing side and eventually Flame killed the SkyWing queen.
Just... like that? How? What? What happened after? Did she get killed?
Residence- In an area by the desert and mountains. Also close to the RainForest.
It's a nice change from the "always on the move" Ocs.
Family-
Mother, Queen Mangrove {RainWing}
Mangrove is a canon male RainWing in the books. I recommend changing this.
Father, Coal {SkyWing}
Sister, Cosmos {Hybrid also}
You didn't really mention Cosmos in your backstory. What happened to her?
Half Sister, Princess Loris {RainWing}
You never mentioned Loris either.
Possible future mate, Storm {RainWing/IceWing}
Best friend, Bloom {SandWing/SeaWing}
Bloom and Storm — why weren't they in the backstory? They seem like important characters.
Mate- N/A
Nothing wrong with that.
Crush- Storm
Again, I really feel like he should've been mentioned at least once in the backstory. I have seen his name before, though.
Dragonets- N/A wants them
I see.
Other- :b hi
Hello, dear child. *pats*
My Rating:
8/10
Originality: 16/25 (2 points knocked off for Mangrove being canon, 3 points knocked off for Flame being canon, 1 point knocked off for Storm being a common name, 2 points knocked off for the cliché "killed someone, becomes guilty, runs away" scenario)
Realism: 21/25 (3 points knocked off for the unrealistic abilities, 1 point knocked off for magically "running into" the ten hybrids)
Interest: 20/25 (5 points knocked off for such vague backstory; I'm mostly interested in this character)
Uniqueness: 23/25 (2 points knocked off for "being leader of a hybrid organization" not being exactly unique; This character is very unique)
Comments:
Flame is quite... interesting, but as said next to "Interest", the backstory is really vague and it's giving me a hard time trying to understand anything. But, other than that, she's a great OC; patch her up, and you'll be good to go!