Jefferson
I watch him as he flips through the pages of a novel that he found in my library. His eyes scan over the words with such speed that I find it difficult to comprehend how he is gaining anything intelligible from his rapid scanning. Perhaps he has me fooled and he isn't even reading, or perhaps he is just as extraordinary as I always thought he was. His fingers hold onto the edges of the cover tightly, almost as if he were holding onto something truly precious. I lean my cheek onto my knuckles as I watch him continue to read, sinking further and further into the settee as his body continues to relax.
My computer remains forgotten as I simply indulge myself in watching him. I know that I should try and cut down on this habit of observing him in his natural state, but it is so difficult now for me to fight against the temptation. There seems to be this sudden shift on the ground beneath me, as if the axis of my world has been tilted in a different direction. My reality being tilted in such a way that no matter how hard I try I keep falling into his path. I continue to be pulled into his gravity.
He doesn't share in my affections, that particular truth has made itself painfully evident. He did not experience the same emotional discovery as I. The more I think about it the more I begin to feel ridiculous for watching him the way I do. He doesn't notice as I look away from him and find my eyes drifting to the section of the bookshelf that I had gifted to Martha when she had graced these walls with her presence. My eyes begin to water slightly as the memories of her begin to resurface, but they suddenly vanish back underneath the veil of my mind as the sound of a book closing greets the silent air.
Our eyes meet and for the first time today he holds my gaze. My chest tightens slightly as I find myself drowning in the colors of his iris. I can't bring myself to look away from them now that he is allowing me to stare at them openly. His eyes don't glance away or shift in any measurable way. If I didn't know any better I would allow myself to believe that he is studying me. His brows furrow slightly as he continues to stare, his eyes remaining fixated on mine as he sets his novel aside.
"Is there something bothering you Alexander?"
"I'm just thinking." He murmurs, suddenly breaking the spell and averting his gaze. I try to conceal my disappointment as I school my expression and lean back in my chair.
"About?"
He remains silent for several seconds as he looks out the window beside him. I stare at his profile and I find myself beginning to notice the most minute of details about this man. The way that he interlaces his fingers when he thinks deeply about something, or the way that he straightens his posture when he finally makes up his mind. There are so many details that I hadn't noticed about him until this very moment. I feel almost guilty for not paying close enough attention until now.
"Why did you bring me here?"
"To my library?" I ask confusedly.
"No," He looks at me head on. "Why did you invite me to come and stay with you? There was no reason for you of all people to take me in, yet you did it anyway. I want to know why."
"Would you have preferred if I had just left you in that gas station after hearing about your situation?" I ask in challenge. "If our roles were reversed would you have done the same, or would you have left me to my own devices?" His eyes narrow slightly as he struggles to answer my questions. I can tell from his expression that he wasn't expecting me to launch any questions his way, this was meant to be a one-sided assault and I have thwarted his plan. "I'm interested to hear how you will choose to respond to your own questions."
"You have neglected to give my questions any sort of fitting response."
"I want to hear your response before I give you mine."
"I don't know." I tilt my head to the side slightly as I watch his expression. "I don't know if I would invite you back to my home with me."
"That's pretty cold Hamilton." I reply with a faint smirk, concealing the sharp sting that is striking inside of my chest. The tremor resonating in my ribs causing my chest to ache dully.
"I don't know if I would invite you back with me, because you would never find yourself in such a situation as I did."
"You can't be certain of that."
"You were born into money, and you earned even more for yourself." I leaned forward in interest as he continues to respond. "Even if you had found yourself in a similar situation and I had happened upon you, there would have been no need for me to offer my assistance. You would have had the assets to acquire an hotel for the night or even a new apartment, you would have been able to care for myself and probably would have completely ignored my offer. It is with that knowledge that makes me uncertain on how I would respond."
"You really do think in paragraphs, don't you?" I find myself smiling as his face colors in indignation. His eyes avert away from mine as he struggles to find a way to respond to my statement simply, he is attempting to fight against his own nature to try and prove me wrong. It is strangely endearing. "I may have the assets as you say, but if you had offered me a place to stay I would not have declined you." He glances at me out of the corner of his eye and I smile at him as he leans back against the settee. "Does that surprise you?"
"Confuse would be the more precise term." he mumbles as he crosses his arms across his chest. "I don't understand it."
"What don't you understand?" I murmur with a slight smile.
"What would motivate you to accept such an offer. It would surely be a downgrade from the lifestyle you have lavished in your whole life. Wouldn't you find the experience to be degrading to live in such squalor when you are privileged enough to live with such wealth and other privileges?"
"They are just things Alexander." I reply softly. "Things can be replaced, they do not define me."
"If you are able to simply ignore the privileges that have been granted to you then explain to me why you would still choose to accept the invitation of a poor man."
"You want to know why I would accept your invitation?" I laugh lightly as he glares at me in confusion. "I would accept your offer simply because you had the kindness to offer. We are all human Alexander, wealth and status mean nothing when we break down our existence to the basics. I do not determine the worth of someone's kindness based off of their wealth or their belongings, I judge on their heart and their sincerity. If our roles were reversed, and I was the one in need of a place to stay, I would have gladly and gratefully accepted your offer."
We sit in silence and I watch as he interlaces his fingers and stares directly at me. His expression is unreadable and I am unsure as to what I can assume from such an expression.
"I invited you here because I would not be able to live with myself knowing that I had left you alone in that gas station knowing what I know." I confess. "Even if I had somehow found the indecency to leave you there I would have come back to retrieve you, and if you had left I would have looked for you."
"Why?" He murmurs.
"No one deserves to feel alone and afraid. To worry about your options and what you will do to grant yourself shelter or feed yourself. I didn't want that for you."
"I don't understand you." He whispers. "I don't understand your actions. How can you be the way you are in the office and then be completely different outside of that space? You cannot be two people, you are only one man."
"Who said anything about being two people? I simply am as I am. The way you choose to view me is dependent upon your own perception and your narrow scope of my actions." He stares at me keenly as he grips onto his hands tightly. "I am sorry that you believe me to be so cold and unfeeling."
"That wasn't what I was implying."
"It is alright. Perceptions and understandings of people change over time. I hope that one day I will be able to change your perception of me." I smile. Perhaps when that day comes, even your stubborn heart will change how it views me.
"I apologize for seeming ungrateful."
"I didn't view it that way."
"I struggle to understand the generosity of those who have been graced with so many gifts. I had to fight my whole life to get where I am, so seeing someone opening their home and their many assets to someone who doesn't possess them confuses me."
"Life is short. It is true that we have to sometimes fight like hell to get what we want, but if we are unable to spread the wealth that we possess then perhaps we never deserved it." He offers me a slight smile as he leans his head back and closes his eyes. He seems to have run out of questions, or perhaps I have answered them to his satisfaction. Either way he appears satisfied, and for the first time since he has arrived here he looks completely relaxed. His muscles have gone slack and his eyes remain blissfully closed. He looks like he belongs here with me. I want to keep him looking this way, for as long as I am able to make it last.