Danny stared out the window of his dad's SUV as it carried him back to Borderton. He and Steve barely had time to say their tearful goodbyes. Danny's father had watched as Steve insisted on hugging Danny. Dad wouldn't scowl, oh no, but that look was colder than ice.
No one spoke. Not Danny, not his tight-lipped mother or his staid father. Mandy stared out the other window, inscrutable. Danny hoped he'd have at least one ally at home, but she wasn't letting anything show. Danny watched the trees go by, and he was out of tears. Damn it, Ben. He said he wouldn't tell. Maybe it just slipped out. He wasn't mad at Ben, just... damn it.
The day before, Steve had gone out for condoms. They'd skipped classes and did it in every way they could imagine. It was desperate, emotional, and maybe a little spiteful. It wasn't fair. They'd only just found one another. The ache lingering in Dan's body brought a small smile to his lips. He would never forget Steve. He knew his parents would be checking his texts, if they let him keep his phone at all, and any mail addressed to him would be opened first, but they couldn't take away the memories of that perfect weekend.
When they got home, nothing went back to normal. There was no normal. His parents didn't speak to him. When he went to his room to unpack, there were brochures on his pillow for anti-gay camps to get him 'cured.' He tossed them in the trash. Not in this lifetime. He stayed in his room the first few days, reading a lot, crying a little. Maybe more than a little. He had no appetite; dinner was a silent, joyless affair, anyway.
When Sunday rolled around, they went to church. Everyone there looked at him, but no one said a word. He sat through the sermon that just happened to be about carnal sin. He was numb. Had his parents told the pastor? Probably. Now everyone knew. Nothing went faster in a small town than the speed of gossip.
On the way out of church, there were more than a few worshippers who came up to Danny's parents to say they would pray for them. For them, not for Danny. For their humiliation, not his salvation.
Back at home, Danny went back to his room and picked up his old Bible. He read the part on Corinthians about love being patient and kind. How it held no record of wrongs. It was a nice thought.
There was a rap on his door, and he called quietly, "Who is it?"
"It's Mandy, can I come in?"
Danny relaxed a little. He set his book aside and sat up. "Yeah, sure."
Many slipped in. Like Danny, she had dark hair. She wore it long, with natural curls giving it body. She was, objectively, a pretty girl. However, she was Danny's sister, and that made her gross, and if any guys so much as looked at her sideways, they were going to get it. He knew it wasn't very enlightened, but the instinct to protect was strong. She had changed from church clothes to jeans and a t-shirt that had a unicorn on the front with rainbow words reading 'I'll cut you.' She smiled a little as she came in, and she closed the door behind her. Gingerly, she sat on the edge of the bed next to Danny and asked, "How are you holding up?"
Danny shrugged and said, "I don't know. About as well as can be expected."
Mandy was quiet a moment, then she threw her arms around Danny. "I'm so sorry!" she said as she buried her face against his shoulder.
Danny hesitated, then wrapped his arms around her. He couldn't remember the last time he'd hugged his sister. Any human contact was a relief from the relentless loneliness, and he hugged her tighter. "Why? You didn't do anything."
Mandy sniffled. "I know, but it sucks so much, the way they're treating you, the way everyone at church is being. I don't care what they say, Danny. I don't care if you like boys. You're my brother, and I hate Mom and Dad for doing this."
Danny sighed, and he said, "Don't hate Mom and Dad. They're doing what they think is right."
Mandy lifted her head, looking at him, her eyes red-rimmed. "How can you forgive them?"
Danny shrugged, choking back the tears he felt coming. "They're my parents."
Mandy swiped her forearm over her eyes and sniffled again. "You've always been the best one of us. I'll be pissed on your behalf, then."
Danny hugged Mandy again. "Thank you, Mandibles. I need a friend right now."
Mandy told him, "You've always got me, big bro."
Danny smiled through his barely withheld tears. "Back at you, little sis."
The days passed more easily with Mandy on his side. They spent a lot of time in the barn with the horses. He helped mucked stalls just to have some kind of labor to take his mind off of how unhappy he was. He wondered how Steve was doing. He'd tried to fish letters from him out of the trash, but his parents made sure they were shredded first. Danny knew it would look like he simply wasn't responding to Steve's letters. As if, eventually Steve would get the hint.
Danny didn't want him to. After slinging filthy straw from the stall of a Quarter Horse named Trixie, he turned to Mandy and said, "Do you want to do something for me?"
"That depends on what it is," Mandy said.
"If I give you a letter to Steve, will you mail it from the post office after school? Mom and Dad will check if I've been there. I just want to let him know I haven't forgotten him." Mom and Dad were watching Danny's every move.
Mandy said, "Sure." There was no hesitation in her, and Danny loved her for that.
Danny found himself spending more and more time at the barn. Even though the horses were Mandy's, Danny had never had any problem with them. There was Trixie, the chestnut sweetheart who loved anyone that had a bit of apple on them. Then there was the roan Appaloosa gelding, creatively named Spot. He was a harder sell, but Danny had known the horse for so long they were buds. The third in their stable was Pandora, a black Welsh Morgan with a white sock on a hind leg and a snippet of white on her nose. She was Mandy's horse all the way, and Mandy was small enough she could still ride her.
"Hey, Mandy, let's go for a ride," Danny said one day after they'd mucked the stalls.
Mandy said, "You want to? That's awesome!" Danny had never wanted to go riding with her before. He had always gone on his own.
She got the tack, and Danny went to the paddock. He whistled and all three trotted up to him. He was wise enough to have brought some carrot stubs, and he distributed them evenly amidst scratching behind their ears and patting their necks. When Mandy came out with her saddle for Pandora, Danny went in to get one for Spot. It was like riding a bicycle, one never forgot how to saddle a horse after doing it enough times.
Once the horses were ready to go, Mandy and Danny set off for the trails that wended through the trees along a creek behind their parents' property. Trixie tagged along and neither of the siblings tried to stop her. It was a familiar trail, and it felt good to just take in the grey hazy day, bundled in warm clothing, along a nice and easy path.
"What do you want for Christmas?" Mandy asked.
"My boyfriend," Danny replied.
Mandy smiled sadly. "I dunno if I can deliver, but who knows, right?"
Danny told her, "It's all right." He was quiet a moment, then added, "He's not going to wait forever. Especially if I'm not writing back. It's kind of cruel to leave him hanging. It's not like Mom and Dad are going to let me go back there."
Mandy said, "You could get scholarships."
Danny replied, "Yeah, maybe for next semester."
"You could get a job, too."
Danny nodded. "Sure. It would be rough, but I could make it. Mom and Dad would disown me, but it's not like they're even talking to me anymore."
Mandy said, "They don't know what to say."
"I'm their son, they should be able to think of something."
"Yeah," Mandy said. "It's not enough to love you if they're not going to act like it."
"Exactly," Danny said. Finally, he could voice the thought with someone who agreed. "It's the same thing with Steve. I can't just sit here wishing I was there. I need to get a job, save my money, and apply next semester, and I need to get a letter to him. He needs to know I'm still thinking about him, Man-hands."
Mandy grinned. "Do you ever get tired of making up nicknames for me?"
Danny shook his head. "Never."
~ ~ ~
Danny got a job at the local grocery store as a bagger. He didn't ask permission. He just went out one day and came home with a job. He informed his parents, and they had nothing to say about it but to acknowledge that it happened. At least it got him out of the house, and they weren't going to yank him away from it. Danny also wrote Steve a letter. It was just a quick one, the sooner to get it to Mandy so she could mail it. It read:
Steve,
My parents are controlling everything that comes into the house. They're shredding your letters before I can read them. I'm not even sure if this will reach you, but I had to try. I can't stop thinking about you, and I'm going to work my way through school if I have to just so we can be together. If you can wait for me til next semester, I'm coming back.
Missing you,
Danny
He passed it to Mandy, who added a letter of her own, on pink and purple kitten stationary, even though Danny begged her not to after he read it. It went:
Steve,
I'm Danny's sister. If you ever hurt him, I'm coming after you. I'm mean, creative, and I hold grudges.
Don't even think about it,
Mandy
Letting her put that in was the price of her sending it, so Danny let it go. He hoped Steve would find it funny. Danny did, a little, what with the pink kittens juxtaposed with the open threats. That was Mandy through and through.
After the letter was sent, Danny relaxed a little. At least Steve would know he hadn't been forgotten, and he might pick up from Mandy's threat that Danny had support at home. Sometimes, Danny would hear Mandy arguing with their parents from upstairs in his room. She called them bigots, close-minded, she even called them terrible people. Danny would sink down in his bed when that happened and cover his head with his pillow til the yelling stopped. He admired his sister's fire, but he knew she'd never change their minds.
Days faded into days. Thanksgiving came and went, and Danny spent as little time with the extended family as possible, preferring his room to the hubbub. Besides, the aunts and uncles were sure to keep his younger cousins away from him. They were all so nice, though, asking him how he was doing, if he was any more resolved following his, uh, affliction. What made it worse is Danny knew they were honestly trying to be kind on one hand while not even trusting him with their kids on the other. He couldn't help but think of Steve's family and how the little kids were all over Steve like it was no big deal.
In the month leading up to Christmas, the family decorated the tree while he was in his room. They decorated around him, celebrating the birth of the Prince of Peace while still maintaining the cold war in their home. They had managed two months so far without a single unnecessary word toward Danny, and they had not once spoken about what happened.
Danny didn't bother with presents for them. What could he get them that they'd want except for a straight son? He didn't have that to offer, so instead, he focused on Mandy. He found some cutesy-yet-threatening shirts she didn't yet own online, knowing they'd be perfect for her. He remained hopeful that Steve had gotten his letter, because he found another shredded one from him in the trash. He'd not been forgotten yet.
It was the middle of December when Steve's brother showed up in his Ford F-150 one afternoon. He pulled right up to the house and got out with Baxter in the cab, pressing a wet nose to the window. Danny was in the living room when he heard the exchange Brad had with his father.
"Is Dan home?"
"Who are you?"
"Oh, I'm Brad. Dan and I are friends from church when he was going to school. I was just wondering if he wanted to go to church with me and my wife. We're doing a Christmas thing over in Pine Ridge." It was a slightly larger small town about an hour's drive from Borderton.
"That's a little further for him to go than his mother and I are comfortable with."
"C'mon, he's a grown man, isn't he?"
"My son... isn't well."
Danny wanted to jump up so badly and snap at his dad. Instead, he said, "Since when do we leave people on the doorstep when it's freezing outside?"
"Hey Dan," Brad called from the doorway.
"Hey Brad," Danny called back.
Danny's dad said stiffly, "Why don't you come in? Tell me about this church function."
Brad stepped in, and Danny grinned at him. He was such a sight to see! Larger than life, bulked out in a red-checkered flannel coat and a ridiculous hat with earflaps on it. "It's a dinner," Brad said. "We serve a meal to the poor while we hand out canned goods for Christmas, and we celebrate our Fellowship. It's really cool."
Danny stared pointedly at the back of his dad's head, trying to beam in the will to say yes. Maybe it worked, who knows, because Danny's father said, "How long would he be gone?"
Brad said, "We got a hotel in town, and it runs pretty late, so overnight. We'll have him back in the morning. It'll be good for him."
Danny's father turned to look at him and he turned to look at the TV. There was a heavy pause in the air, and then Dad said, "Have him home before ten. He has work at noon."
Danny didn't hesitate, he bolted upstairs to throw a bag together, just a change of clothes and some toiletries. Then he came barreling down the stairs, bundled up his warmest coat. He didn't even say goodbye to his dad, he just bolted for the F-150 like his life depended on it.
Brad followed after, and he got in, fastening his seatbelt. "How're you holding up?" he said.
Danny replied, "They want to send me to a gay-curing camp, they haven't spoken to me in two months, and they're shredding all the letters I get from Steve. Everyone in town looks at me like I'm a freak, and there are days I just wish I was already dead, but other than that, I can't complain."
Brad winced. "Well, let's get you a little R&R at least, yeah? Consider it an early Christmas present."
"What are we really going to do?" Danny asked.
Brad grinned. "We're going to go to church and hold a dinner for the poor."
Danny looked at Brad for a moment.
Brad added with a laugh, "Relax. It doesn't run all that late. You and Steve can go see a movie or something."
Danny's heart fluttered. For the first time in months, he felt alive again. "Brad, you have no idea how awesome this is."
Brad shrugged and said, "Hey, anything for my baby brother. He's been a mess without you. I knew you two were more than roomies when we met."
When they got to Pine Ridge, Brad drove straight to the event. The dinner was already underway. One of the grange halls had let them use their building to set out tables and chairs, with tables of food being dished up by members of the local church. "Dive in," Brad said. "I see someone who needs help with the mashed potatoes."
Danny walked over to where a familiar blond was dishing up mashed potatoes, his gorgeous hair flattened by a hairnet. "Hey, Steve," Danny said.
Steve dropped the spoon into the potatoes and wrapped his arms around Danny. For a moment, neither of them spoke. They just held each other, and one of the other volunteers took over at the potato station. Tears rolled down Steve's cheeks and he didn't seem to care who saw. Danny's eyes burned, and when he closed them tightly, a few tears escaped. There were no words, just their bodies clinging to one another. Danny breathed in the scent of him, and it was like the time hadn't passed at all.
"I love you," Steve whispered to Danny.
Danny held him more tightly still. "I love you," he replied.
"Okay, lovebirds," Brad said as he passed by the pair. "Danny, you wash up and get a hairnet. Steve, you show him how it's done." He grinned despite his chiding, and he went off to find his wife and kids, who were handing out corn muffins and dinner rolls.
Steve sniffled, and he dabbed at his eyes with his sleeve. "Sorry, I must look like a mess."
"You're the most gorgeous sight I've ever seen," Danny said.
They stole a quick kiss, then Danny went to wash up. He wondered if anyone had seen it, or if they'd care. No one gave him any odd looks, which was the first time in a long time. He snapped on a hairnet, then went back to where Danny had once more taken over the potatoes.
Through the serving hours, Steve was in charge of potatoes, and Danny was on gravy. They made a quick and efficient team. When it was time for the volunteers to eat, they went around and fixed plates piled high, then found a place to sit in the grange hall.
Brad had already snagged a table, and the whole family was there. The kids chimed Danny's name with their hellos, and Brenda even hugged him. Danny tried not to shed tears, but one escaped. Stephanie hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Hey there, sweetheart," she murmured, and she scooted aside so he could sit next to Steve.
They ate, and they laughed, and Brad complained to Stephanie about the way Danny's family was treating him. Though Danny did feel a reflexive need to defend his people, in this case, he didn't. Nothing Brad said wasn't true, and they earned the dismayed looks Stephanie made and the murmured 'that's terribles.' Danny mostly paid attention to Steve, though, who couldn't take his eyes off him. Eventually, all the food they were going to eat was eaten, and Brad stood up. "Kids, gather up the plates, let's go to the kitchen. Hey, you guys take it easy. We'll be ready to go in about ten, so hang out or take a walk or something."
For that precious ten minutes, Danny and Steve walked around outside while the family helped clean up. "This was a lot of fun," Danny said as he took Steve's hand.
Steve led Danny along a little path beside the grange hall. "Yeah, Brad went looking for events near your town that your dad might let you come to, where we could still get home in time for Christmas with the folks, and he found this one. He called them, and they were happy for another couple volunteers, so..."
"Your brother is amazing."
"Hey, your little sister's not bad either. Tell her I feel put in my place."
Danny laughed. "Yeah, Mandy's a force of nature."
"I'm glad you have her," Steve said. "I can't imagine surviving that nightmare."
"It's only until next semester," Danny said, "Maybe the semester after. I don't have enough money yet to be ready after the new year, but..."
"What if you didn't have to wait that long?" Steve said.
Danny tilted his head. "What do you mean?"
"What if we moved into a place off campus," Steve said. "If you're going to be working, you can work up there, and I'll go to classes. I already asked Mom and Dad about it, and they're a little iffy about me moving in with someone I've only been with a few months, but they understand the situation and are still willing to float my part of the rent."
"We could be together," Danny said.
"We could be together."
Danny threw his arms around Steve and said, "We could be together!"
Steve laughed and hugged Danny back. "I take it that's a yes?"
Danny said, "Yes!" Then he kissed Steve with all the oomph he could muster.
Brad's voice came from the grange parking lot, "Come on, guys! We're heading back to the hotel!"
Steve murmured, "Back to the madhouse."
Danny walked hand and hand with him back to the parking lot. It was a glorious madhouse, and he was happy to be in it.
Brad had told Danny he could see a movie with Steve, but when Steve and Danny got back to the hotel, it was the furthest thing from Danny's mind. Steve and Danny had a room together, and once they checked in, they didn't want to leave.
They turned the TV on to hide any sounds they might make, and they were careful to be as quiet as possible, but they spent hours into the night doing anything but sleeping. Danny's body cried out for touch, and Steve was more than happy to deliver. The clock had turned to one in the morning before they collapsed together in the king-sized bed, panting, then kissing one another.
"Soon, this will be us every night," Steve said, "though maybe the bed won't be so big."
"I can't wait," Danny said, and he fell asleep with Steve in his arms.