I waited until I was outside of the room and halfway down the corridor before I allowed myself a breath. My heart was throbbing and I could still feel his lips on mine. I brought a hesitant hand up to my mouth and traced my bottom lip with a shaking finger. My bag was slipping from my shoulder and I let it drop to the floor so I could pull on my jacket. Even though I was in total denial about what had just happened, I couldn’t ignore the fact that I felt strangely alive, like some part of me buried away deep had been wanting to do that for ages. Kiss him I mean. Not shout my head off at him.
My bag back on my shoulder, I headed for the door. Once outside I picked up my pace. I was suddenly very aware that it would be easy for Aiden to catch up with me if he wanted to. That, and I knew I looked a mess. The cold wind stung my teary eyes and cheeks as I hunched my shoulders and marched home. I took the back streets, deciding I had less chance of being spotted there than if I took the shorter journey along the main roads. All it would take would be for Leanne to drive past and then I didn’t know what I’d do. I started crying again then. I didn’t know if it was the reality of what had just happened setting in, or if it was the fact that I’d never felt so alone. This time last week I’d been naively optimistic about my relationship with Sonny and now, only a short time later, I’d lost any chance of that. My best friend wasn’t speaking to me. I didn’t expect Aiden to speak to me either after what I’d just done. I mean, what girl shouts at a guy, then kisses him and leaves? One who’s not right in the head.
The house was empty when I got home. There was a note of the fridge from Mum, saying that her and Dad had gone out for tea and I assumed that Leanne was somewhere with Roz. Or Sonny. I ignored the ready meal that Mum had left on the kitchen counter for me and headed straight upstairs instead.
Once in my room, I avoided the mirror at all costs. I knew I looked a state. My eyes were bound to be puffy and red and I knew what little make-up I’d been wearing would have run with my tears. My stomach rumbled so I picked at one of my sandwiches that I hadn’t eaten during lunch today. Memories of Lara and the book resurfaced, bringing with them the sensation of Aiden’s lips on mine, and I suddenly didn’t feel hungry any more.
I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. The one thing that had been my escape for so long, had suddenly become the thing that made me want to escape. There was no way I could dance anymore if my mind wasn’t going to clear the way it used to. If my muscles weren’t going to relax and my worries erase themselves. I felt suffocated as I wrapped myself up in my duvet, still wearing my tracksuit and my socks. My phone sounded from my bag but I didn’t move. I couldn’t face reading what Aiden had to say. I couldn’t face Cassie telling me to never speak to her again. I couldn’t face Leanne telling me that she was in love with Sonny and I couldn’t face another apology from him. I didn’t feel like facing anything.
The first thing that made me realise someone was in my room was the sudden blinding light searing through my closed eyelids. I buried my face further into the pillow, only to feel the duvet being peeled out of my balled up fists.
“I knew you wouldn’t have run off. You’re not that dramatic. Mum seriously needs to rein in her imagination.”
Leanne’s voice was full of humour right up until she must have glanced my face. I refused to open my eyes but I could tell that she was standing over me.
“Dude. What happened to your face?”
I could feel hair stuck to my cheeks with dried tears and my eyes stung as I hesitantly peered up at her.
Leanne opened her mouth to speak when her gaze spotted my red eyes.
“Don’t let Mum up here, okay?”
Leanne bit her bottom lip for a moment before nodding. She disappeared out of sight but I heard her shout down the stairs that she’d found me with all my limbs intact before my bedroom door closed softly. I was about to pull the covers back over my face when I saw her standing in front of me again.
“Mum went bananas when she saw the meal still on the counter. She thought you hadn’t come home.”
I shrugged into my mattress. “Wasn’t hungry.” I sounded small and weak, like a little lost child. Only I didn’t want to be found right now.
“What happened?”
“I don’t have a clue,” I replied honestly. “It’s all kind of a blur.”
I saw Leanne widen her eyes as she sunk to her knees so we were at the same level. “You’re not on drugs are you?”
Her accusation made my breath catch in my throat and I shook my head hard to answer her.
She sighed in relief. “Good.” She watched me as I propped myself up on my elbows. “Why so glum then?”
I stared down at my pillow for a moment, taking in the tear stains on the fabric, before I let go of a shaky breath. The truth was, I wanted Leanne to know what was really going on. I wanted to tell her everything, but I knew that telling her everything meant I’d have to tell her about my crush on Sonny. Nothing would make sense if I left that out. I didn’t feel ready though. Something about the way that Leanne was watching me was telling me that she’d come in my room with something to say. What she wanted to tell me, however, seemed to have been put on the backburner thanks to my puffy eyes and snotty nose.
“It’s nothing,” I insisted, twirling a strand of knotted hair around my finger. The action reminded me of Cassie and I felt hollow inside again, Leanne’s presence having filled up the void in my stomach for the briefest of moments, but it had been enough to make me feel like myself again. Now I’d been reminded of everything, the urge to give up and turn away from Leanne was all too strong.
“Are you upset about not being friends with Cassie?”
Leanne’s words were said just as I was about to yank the duvet back over my head. She must have sensed my intentions as she thrust a hand forwards to stroke my fringe back from my face. This action set about stirring the void inside me a little bit more. She smelt of cigarettes. She’d been with Sonny and the thought made chew the inside of my cheek, only stopping when I tasted blood. Telling her the truth was still an option, but I wasn’t in the mood for storytelling. I was up for the easy way out. Whichever would get my head back to my pillow the fastest.
“Yeah.” I nodded. “I guess I didn’t realise how much I’d miss her.”
Leanne let out a sigh that I guessed she’d been holding since seeing my tear stained face. “If she means that much to you, then you should just pin her down somewhere and force her to listen to your apology.”
I must have been wearing an uncertain expression as she continued on, as if to further her point.
“Look. If I know Cassie, and unfortunately I do, then her own apology won’t be far behind. You’ve just got to make her think she’s won. That’s all. If you’re the first to back down, then that’s what she’ll think, and they you two can get on with being best friends again.”
I could feel a smile inching its way onto my face. “You really think?”
Leanne nodded. “Stubbornness is the only thing keeping you from each other.”
I thought her words over for a second before I leaned forward to pull her into a hug. “Thanks,” I whispered into her ear.
She pulled back from me but still kept a grip on my shoulders. “No problem. Now, no more tears, okay?”
I smiled. “Okay.”
“Good.” She stood up slowly and straightened out her shirt before wandering over to the door.
I flipped over onto my back and sat up. “Hey, Leanne.”
She turned to look at me over her shoulder, one hand on the door handle.
“You’re getting better at this sentimental stuff, you know.”
She pulled a face, sticking her tongue out at me. “You look awful.”
Taking that as her attempt to even out the nice with the nasty, I smiled and watched her through the door. When the squeaky floorboard sounded, I let out a laugh and collapsed back against my pillow. I didn’t feel one hundred percent better, but I no longer felt completely alone.
***
Thursdays at college were study days. I entered the library with a slight headache from all the crying I’d done yesterday, but with a grim determination that it wasn’t going to stop me from completing the homework that last night had stopped me from doing.
I sank down into a chair set at a table near the corner of the room. I had no intention of being distracted today. Leanne’s speech about pinning Cassie down to apologise was nestled at the foreground of my mind, but I knew that I wasn’t going to pass the exams after Christmas if I didn’t try my hardest when it came to college work. I’d let my attention slip over the past couple of weeks and now seemed like the perfect time to rectify that. It was also, it seemed, a good way of keeping my mind from wandering onto other topics. Like Aiden, and that fact that I’d kissed him. I could feel my heart beating hard at the memory. I’d shut out the facts of the kiss to keep myself from lingering on it, but it was only now, surrounded by books and other students intent on studying, that I realised something I hadn’t noticed yesterday. He’d kissed me back.
I sat back in my chair and stared at my History text book. I only ended up thinking of Cassie more when I spotted the mustache she’d given a roman back in class a couple of weeks ago. Sighing, I pulled a bag of sweets out of the front pocket of my bag. I ripped them open and popped one into my mouth, relaxing at the taste of strawberry but unable to ignore the memories of the day that I’d stolen a sweet from Aiden, only to find out that they’d been in his pocket for two weeks. I smiled and picked up my pen. I wasn’t going to ignore the thoughts my mind was trying to get me to focus on anymore, but I was going to do some work too. My grades depended on it.
I’d managed to complete both my History and French essays by the time the lunch bell sounded. I wasn’t really hungry, thanks to the now half empty bag of sweets next to my pencil case, but I headed to the canteen none the less.
There wasn’t any chance that I’d run into Aiden there. He didn’t bother coming in on the study days. He’d said that he preferred to study at home, but I knew he just meant that he preferred to play video games on his computer.
I sat alone at a table near the back, chewing half- heartedly on my sandwiches and trying to work out a way that I could get Cassie to listen to me without actually pinning her down. I knew she’d be physically stronger than me and I didn’t fancy getting my eyes scratched out while trying to have a serious conversation with her.
“Do you know your tongue is blue?”
I snapped out of my musings, where I’d been imagining Cassie pulling my hair out, to see Lara standing next to me. She was wearing a friendly smile and part of me warmed to her arrival, but the rest of me wasn’t sure how to react. I’d felt angry towards her last night, when I’d been arguing with Aiden, and a piece of me couldn’t help thinking that if she hadn’t borrowed his book, the fight wouldn’t have happened. But neither would the kiss. My sudden thought decided how this was going to go and I felt myself crack a smile at her.
“No. I didn’t actually.”
“Your lips are too.” She took a seat next to me and smiled again. “What have you been eating?”
I looked down at my ham sandwich before remembering the packet of sweets I’d been nibbling on while studying.
“I may have been snacking in the library,” I confessed. “Sweets mainly.”
“I could use a few e-numbers,” Lara said, pulling at the cuff of her denim shirt.
I frowned when I noticed her smile was faltering. “What’s up?”
She shrugged before letting out a sigh. “It’s Mike. He’s pestering me to get back with him but I’m not sure. I mean, the break-up was so sudden and I’m still not sure why it even happened. I just don’t want to rush back into anything, only to get my heart broken a second time. You know?”
I’d had to try hard to listen to what she’d been saying, my mind desperate to slip into a state of shock. It was fair to say I hadn’t seen that coming. It looked like Lara hadn’t seen it coming either. She was still playing with her sleeve, a downcast expression on her usually cheerful face. The strange look made me feel uneasy. How could I have been angry at someone like Lara? It wasn’t like she’d borrowed Aiden’s book to upset me. I mean, I didn’t even know that I’d react that way to such a simple gesture. It was still freaking me out.
“What do you think I should do, Harriet? I’m so confused right now.”
Me too. I willed myself to think of an answer.
“I think, and I know how cliché it sounds, but you should follow your heart. If you like him that much, then maybe it’s worth getting your heart broken again.”
I’d sounded wistful when I’d been speaking and I shook myself and forced my mind to focus.
Lara looked me in the eyes for a second before she smiled sadly. “I love him, Harriet.”
I reached up to rub her arm in an attempt to comfort her. “I think that’s pretty obvious.”
Her smile reached her eyes then and she clasped her hands in front of herself on the table. “Thank you.”
I pulled my hand back. I wasn’t sure whether I should tell Lara the truth about why Mike broke up with her but when I caught sight of her watching him on the other side of the room, I knew that it didn’t matter because it wasn’t true. The same as it didn’t matter than I had, or have, a crush on Sonny, because he was in love with someone else. Someone who truly, whole-heartedly, deserved to be with him.
“I’m sorry, Harriet.”
Lara was looking at me with a small smile and I grinned back at her.
“It’s fine. I don’t mind helping people out with their problems. It helps keep my mind off my own.”
Lara wrung her hands together. “I know. But I wasn’t apologising for that.”
I could feel a frown pushing on my eyebrows. “Then what are you.”
“I was jealous, Harriet,” Lara interrupted. “I didn’t mean to be horrible.”
“I don’t know what you’re on about.” An uneasy feeling started in my gut again and the void twisted inside me.
“All the questions about Aiden.”
I couldn’t help raising my eyebrows. “What?”
She ran a finger along the table, collecting my crumbs into a small pile. “I shouldn’t have kept on about you and Aiden. It was just that I.” She looked up at me and shrugged. “It just felt strange, knowing that you and Aiden liked each other and I didn’t have anyone anymore. I know it sounds stupid, but I thought that if I knew all I needed to know about how you both felt about each other, then I’d feel better about myself.”
I struggled to find anything to say to Lara’s admission and it took until she placed a comforting hand on my arm that I fully understood what she’d just said. He likes you back.
“It’s okay,” I insisted, still feeling a little puzzled at her confession. “I mean, I understand.”
Lara beamed at me. “I’m so glad. I just, I didn’t want you to think that I was trying to steal him from you, because, you know, it’s obvious that you’re made for each other.”
I couldn’t help smiling back at her. What she’d said was making my insides flop around like I was on some high speed rollercoaster. “Like you and Mike.”
She laughed, a soft breathy sound. “Now isn’t that just lovely.”
***
I felt lightheaded as I walked to my History classroom. It was a study day for the students, but it was still a proper day for the teachers. Mr. Henderson had asked us to drop in our completed assignments before we went home so I made his classroom my destination after I left the lunch room to the sound of the bell. I didn’t have an actual class for another hour, a French lesson that had been scheduled to help better prepare us for the exam, so I had the time to drop my work off.
The door was open when I reached the classroom and I was about to enter when I spotted Cassie sitting across from Mr. Henderson’s desk. He was sitting in his usual seat, flicking through a folder which I recognised as Cassie’s; it was covered in pictures of movie stars she fancied and various things that fitted in with the theme of pink. She spotted me lingering outside the door but before I had a chance to do or say anything Mr. Henderson called me into the room. I handed him my work with a smile before I turned to walk back out to the corridor. I wanted to fix things with Cassie but now wasn’t the time.
We were instructed to sit with our speaking partners when we entered our French classroom for the last period of the day. Brandon was already sitting behind his side of the table and I sank into my chair while releasing a sigh. I hadn’t spoken to him since before the gig. When I’d told him the truth about us. Or the lack of thereof. Even though that had been ages ago now, I still felt bad about it. Even though he’d stalked me in the club. I couldn’t help thinking how things could be different for the second time today. First with Lara borrowing Aiden’s book and now with Brandon. If I hadn’t told him the truth, then he wouldn’t have kept his distance in the club. And then Sonny wouldn’t have kissed me to make him go away.
“Do you want to be the shop keeper or the customer?”
I blinked hard before turning to face Brandon. Apparently I must have zoned out for the first ten minutes of the lesson because it was now time for us to practise the scenario that Mrs. Freeman had written on the board. Luckily it wasn’t anything to do with relationships today.
“Uh, the customer.”
Brandon smiled and it seemed genuine. For some reason, probably something to do with the last time I’d seen him, I thought he’d be a little hostile towards me. But he seemed okay. His voice was as up-beat as usual, anyway.
“Do you want to start?” I asked.
He bit his lip for a moment before picking up his pen. I watched as he twirled it in his fingers before he stopped suddenly and pointed it at me.
“So who was that guy?”
My stomach dropped to my feet. Oh no. I glanced behind myself at Cassie but she was actually doing the work, entertaining the guy she was sitting next to with her limited knowledge of the French language.
“The guy with the lip ring and the tattoos?”
I turned back to Brandon to see that he was now tapping his pen against his lips, waiting for my reply. I didn’t feel like answering.
“It was no-one.”
He bit down hard on the pen and I heard the plastic splinter. “He didn’t look like no-one to me.”
Anger prickled across my skin and I gripped the table with both hands.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means that you two looked pretty close.” His eyes were narrowed and I noticed he was gripping the table too.
“He’s a friend.”
“Friends don’t kiss like you two did,” he said matter of factly, and his simple tone of voice only made my anger increase. “Friends don’t kiss at all.”
One of my fingers dug into a piece of years old chewing gum but I ignored my disgust and carried on with my attempt to stare Brandon down.
“We were drunk.”
“So?”
Something inside me snapped and I pushed back from the table. I could still hear people talking, part in French and part in English, so I knew nobody had noticed my attempt to get away from Brandon’s questioning.
“So it doesn’t matter,” I retorted. “It never will. Don’t you get it, Brandon? We’re never going to be together so it doesn’t matter who I did or didn’t kiss at the club, okay? It’s none of your business.”
He frowned. “It matters to me.” He reached up to rub his temples and the smell of his aftershave itched my nose. It was strong and oppressive.
“Well it shouldn’t,” I hissed. “Just let it go.”
He dropped his pen to the desk and it fell to pieces, leaking ink onto his closed textbook. “I can’t.” He sounded almost pained when he spoke and I knew how he felt. It was how I’d felt when Leanne had told me about her crush on Sonny. It was painful and I’d felt like my life was over, but it wasn’t.
“Just leave it,” I said, a warning edge to my voice. “This won’t change anything.”
Brandon raised a hand towards me and for I second I thought he was going to grab my arm so I retreated backwards once more, slamming my chair into the desk behind. I could only just make out murmurs of annoyance over the sound of blood rushing in my ears. My heart was pounding into my ribs and my palms were covered in a thin layer of sweat. I needed to get out.
I didn’t think twice as I grabbed my bag from my feet and tipped my notebook and pencil case into it.
“Harriet?”
“I said leave it,” I said sharply. “You’ve already done enough.”
I was halfway to the door when I got the overwhelming urge to turn around and seek out Cassie’s face. To my surprise she was watching me with a frown. She looked confused and torn. Like she wanted to leave with me, but she knew she couldn’t. Not when I hadn’t apologised yet. She mouthed something at me but I strode forwards and out of the classroom before Mrs. Freeman could herd me back in.
It was only when I was alone with my thoughts on the way home that I figured out what she’d meant to say.
‘Are you okay?’
***
I opened the front door and was immediately blasted with the sound of rock music coming from the lounge. Guessing that Mum and Dad were out and Leanne was home alone, rocking out by herself, I dropped my bag by my shoes and wandered towards the door. It was only when I got a little closer that I heard giggling. I paused, a frown on my face and my hand on the door handle, before I pushed it open. My eyes widened as took in the scene before me. I still had a hold of the door and I gripped it harder. Leanne and Sonny were sitting on the sofa. I felt my face flushing as I realised they were kissing. Oh God.
I instantly began backing out of the door. I didn’t think they’d seen me, but I wasn’t going to stick around to find out.
“Harri?”
I grimaced as I heard Leanne’s voice. Looking up, I saw her face was almost the same colour as her hair.
“Look. Guys. Can we just pretend that I didn’t walk in here?” I was waving my hands in front of me, still wearing a grimace. “’Cause I’m fine with that. Oh God. I’m so sorry.”
Seeing my discomfort seemed to make Leanne’s disappear. I daren’t look at Sonny, but Leanne looked a lot less relaxed all of a sudden.
“Chill!”
“I didn’t mean to walk in on you two making out.” The words made my stomach twist. I couldn’t tell whether it was from my embarrassment or speaking the truth out-loud. Probably both. “I didn’t know you had company.”
I chanced a glance at Sonny to see him wearing a smirk. Why wasn’t he dying of embarrassment like me?
“Harriet. Shut up, woman!” Leanne laughed, inching closer to Sonny. She had a leg hooked over his and I noticed one of Sonny’s hands on the back of her neck. I swallowed hard.
“I’m sorry,” I said, finally letting my hands fall back to my sides again. “If I’d have known…”
“You were going to find out some way or another.” Leanne shrugged.
I suddenly realised her and Sonny were wearing matching smirks. Did they think it was the kissing that was making me uncomfortable? It wasn’t like I hadn’t kissed anyone before. Besides, this time last week it had been my lips on his. This thought made me grimace again for the third time in a minute, though it felt like I’d been standing half in, half out of the room, for hours.
“Walking in on us kissing was a more colourful way to find out, I admit.” It was the first thing Sonny had said and it didn’t make me feel any less uncomfortable.
“Yeah, well.” I shoved my hands into my pockets to stop myself from waving them about again. “I wouldn’t have picked it.”
Sonny and Leanne laughed then and, despite myself, I started to giggle too.
“God, Harri. You should have seen your face.”
I rolled my eyes at Leanne. “No thank you.”
“It was hilarious.”
“Was not,” I argued back. “You almost gave me a heart attack.”
It was true. My heart was still pounding double time in my chest.
We all laughed again then and I finally stepped back into the room to take a seat in the arm chair.
“So? Since when?”
Leanne beamed and I felt my heart swell at how happy she looked.
“Last night. I wanted to tell you when I got back from band practise but you.” She paused and I was grateful for it. I didn’t want Sonny finding out about my breakdown. “Well, I got distracted. But you know now anyway.”
I nodded. At least I knew why Leanne had looked like she’d wanted to tell me something when she’d found me in my room last night. I smiled.
“I asked him why he hadn’t admitted the truth earlier, but he’d said he had some stuff to work out first.”
Sonny gave me a small smile at Leanne’s words and I suddenly realised I was the ‘something’ he’d had to sort out. He wanted to make sure I was okay about the whole kiss thing before he made it official with Leanne. His likeability went up another notch then and I realised how great it was going to be to have him as a friend. Looking out for me as a friend was way better than nothing.
Sure, it wasn’t like I was totally over him. I wasn’t sure if that was ever going to be one hundred percent possible, but all my thoughts seemed to be about someone else lately anyway. My mind brought up the image of another kiss and my pulse leaped.
“The truth?” Sonny leaned down to kiss Leanne and she giggled against his lips.
“Yeah,” she replied. “The truth being that I’m totally hot and you fancy me to pieces.”
Sonny let her ruffle his hair before diving back down to kiss her again.
I took this as my cue to leave but barely made it to the door before I was stopped.
“Hey! Where do you think you’re going?”
I smiled. “To throw up my lunch.”
Leanne poked her tongue out at me. “Why don’t you come to Keke’s with us instead? I’ll buy you a brownie.”
The brownie sounded tempting but I hesitated.
“You won’t be intruding, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Sonny said, running his fingers through Leanne’s hair. “You’re plenty cool enough to hang out with us.”
I felt myself crack a smile as I saw Leanne nodding. “I’ll get my coat then.”
***
That night, after having eaten three brownies while being told how Sonny had asked Leanne out, I sat alone in my bedroom, trying to finish the book I was reading. I always found it hard to read the last couple of chapters of a book, knowing that it was coming to an end. I hated it when good things stopped. That was why I hadn’t been able to decide whether walking in on Leanne and Sonny had been a good thing or not. Sure, I didn’t ever want to relive the embarrassment, but I couldn’t help feeling that it was better than finding out in a group, like at a band practise or gig.
I would have been able to hide my reaction behind a crowd. Hide how inside I had felt like I was being torn. Part of me happy that they were happy, but the other part of me, be it considerably smaller than the first, finding it hard to watch him kiss someone else.
That being true, I knew being forced to confront how I really felt had helped me to finally squash the part of me that still loved him. With it gone, I could focus on being happy for them. Because I was. I loved nothing more than seeing the people I cared about, smiling and laughing. It made me feel like I was doing something right. And I still loved him, as a friend. The other kind of love I had to give, I’d realised while watching the way Sonny and Leanne were around each other, was for Aiden.
My gut still plummeted to my feet when I thought about it, but I knew it was the truth. Why else would I have cared so much about him hanging out with Lara? Especially since Lara was newly single, and there had been the rumour circulating about them both. That hadn’t eased my doubts.
I closed my book and rubbed my temples. I was going to have to say something to him, if only to keep myself sane.