12/25/16
I UNTANGLE MYSELF from Clayton's body putting the necessary space between us. My body no longer running heated. Instead a cold wave has washed up upon me completely sobering me of all the emotions that filled me at Clayton's touch and kiss. I push him out of the way to chase down my best friend who's almost all the way down the hall.
"Chase!" I shout after him. My heels clash loudly with the hardwood flooring as I run. "Stop!" I yell as my hand lands on his shoulder and yanks his body backwards so he doesn't fully leave the long hallway. He can't leave like this, he has to know I would never hurt him like this for nothing. He has to know the truth that runs though my veins. The feelings that fill my heart.
"Leave me alone Hayley," he groans heatedly. He flips on his heal so he's facing me now. His face is hard, his jaw locked, and his once friendly eyes are the source of an emotion I've never seen from him. At least directed at me. Anger, hurt, confusion mixes within in his hazel eyes that are placed on me.
He attempts to take a few steps away from me, but I latch onto his arm and pull him back to me. "No!" I fight back. "We need to talk," I tell him forcefully. I can't lose my best friend, after everything. After every secret encounter to make sure I don't hurt him, I can't lose him from one weak moment. I can't lose him at all.
He rips his arm out of my grip as if he can't even stand to feel me touch him, and the simple action breaks my heart more than anything else said so far. "Talk about what?" he questions seething. "Talk about how you're hooking up with my brother behind my back," he says his words breaking off at the end with a small crack. Showing the true sadness that seeps throughout him, following the anger that costs every visible emotion.
"It isn't just a hook up," I say defensively. I honestly wish it was, wish Clayton was just another guy to help drown out the feelings. But he does the exact opposite. He amplifies everything within me. He pushes me in ways that are helping me become a better person. I wish he meant nothing to me, but he means everything. My heart clenches at the thought of how much I love him and he doesn't even know.
"I told you about Scarlett," Chase says shaking his head. "You took advantage," he says disgusted at the idea that me of all people is with his brother. His brother who had the fairytale life and girlfriend, and then fate took it all away. I can see it in his eyes; even my friend doesn't think I deserve his brother, and my heart begins to fall apart.
But first anger races through me at his judgment. "He isn't a frail little puppy Chase," I respond pushing away the hurt that fills me. "Yes, he's broken but so am I. We understand each other...." I trail breathing heavily. Tears gather in my eyes as I open my heart and say the words I know won't fix what's happened but feel like they need to be spoken. "I love him," I whisper.
Chase's face morphs into complete shock at my confession. Then his eyebrows draw together as rage once again muddles his feelings. "You don't know what love is Hayley," he says. "Because sleeping with him behind my back isn't love," he spits before his eyes lock on a form behind me.
I turn slowly to take in Clayton's ridged body. His eyes swirl with so many questions but as they lock on mine I can see he's stuck on the words I muttered. "You love me?" he breathes out.
But before I can respond Chase yells at him from behind me. "How could you sleep with my girlfriend?" Chase questions his brother.
"Shut up Chase!" I shout at him. He isn't really my boyfriend and he doesn't need to keep this whole facade on. He can tell everyone right here and right now and be done with it. He can grow and move on from the lie he's lived his whole entire life.
But I can see it as my eyes hold his hazel ones. I can tell he won't tell the truth. Because he's so stuck in this lie, wrapped up in what he thinks everyone wants from him. Expects from him. He can't see the truth because he's so blinded by the warped lie that's tangled its way into our friendship and my heart. He can't even see how madly in love I really am.
"Chase—" Clayton's deep voice tries to start but my best friend isn't having any part of it.
"I always stood up for you and had your back," Chase states. "Even when you were an ass and drinking more than ever I defended you, but you couldn't see it because I wasn't your favorite. I wasn't Cale. I was just your brother, but in your alcoholic head I was no one," he growls shoving at his older brother's chest letting the rage that fills him manifest into something greater. Scarier.
"I'm sorry," Clayton breaks with a cracked voice. He never wanted to hurt his brother. He wanted to stay far away from me, but I ruined everything just like the mess I am. No matter where I go trouble follows.
"That's not enough," Chase shrugs before shoving at his brother once again. His hands harshly colliding with Clayton's chest showing how at the edge my friend is in this moment. Showing how he's about to crack.
Fear races through me that he's going to punch Clayton and a fight is going to break out. I run the few paces forward and place myself between the two brothers fearing one will strike and ruin a relationship that's already so damaged. So frayed and slowly pulling at the edges.
"Stop it," I shout at Chase placing a calming hand against his warm chest.
"Stay out of this," Chase growls back. "Oh right, you couldn't you just had to make everything about you and sleep with my brother," he snaps at me making my body shiver with the menacing tone that coats his words. He's never once spoken to me this way and it scares me to the core.
"Don't talk to her like that," Clayton quietly stands up for me.
"Why?" Chase questions. "It's the damn truth," he pushes once again attempting to come forward at his older brother.
"No it's not and you know it," I fight back letting the anger build deep within me. I don't want to battle with my friend, but I also won't let everything go down like this either.
"Hayley," Chase battles, his voice gravelly and broken just like his exterior. He's on the verge of being outted and he knows it, he hates it. He's trying with everything to fight against it. He may accept who he is, but he's still so afraid of letting the world know. Letting the world see the true Chase that lies underneath.
"Just tell them," I urge him quietly with a small whisper. His family loves him, they would never judge or persecute him. They may have questions, but in the end I know they wouldn't let him go. They would hold him tight and proclaim their unconditional love for him and every son they have.
"No," he says simply with a small broken shake of his head. "Because we had a deal and you only had to do one thing and you couldn't even do that without fucking up, but I should've expected that," he tells me with a faint murmur and shattered words. A shattered heart.
"Chase—" I try and begin but he won't let me get past that.
"No!" he shouts back furiously. "This is so messed up," he states raising his hands in the air frantically as if he can't even fully process what is happening.
"What's going on?" a voice inquires in the darkness. All three of our heads snap to take in a slim figure in the darkness. Mrs. Hasting. The last person I want to see right now. My stomach plummets and I feel bile rise in the back of my throat at the idea that someone I truly love and respect could hate me. She made me crave my mother once again. This whole family made me take the steps to mend my relationship with my mother, and not let it fall to the wayside like I have in the past.
"Ask the two love birds," Chase scoffs before stalking off. His loud steps echoing through the hall that surrounds us.
Her once kind eyes mix with confusion as they dart between Clayton and myself trying to piece together her youngest sons words. "What is he talking about?"
"Nothing," I say hastily.
But as I speak so does Clayton. "I'm so sorry," he admits just as my words rush out.
Mrs. Hasting's shoulder fall as her eyes flit between us connecting the dots. Connecting her youngest son's broken words, my torn heart, and Clayton's damaged exterior.
"You didn't," she gasps accusingly as a hand flies to her chest. Her words are aimed at Clayton but her eyes continuously fall to me raking over my body with pure disgust. As if she can't believe she let someone like me into her household, someone like me be with her son.
"I didn't mean for it to happen," Clayton says defensively.
I open my mouth to continue his words and add my response when his words cut me off.
"It meant nothing." My head twists to Clayton at those three words. Those three words have the power to break me in half and tear my heart out of my chest. Tears fill my eyes, because he doesn't mean nothing. He means everything and more. I wouldn't have hurt my best friend for a fleeting feeling. I chased after the truth my heart needed, my heart ached for. True love.
"I can't believe this," Mrs. Hasting shakes her head as she lets her hands smooth over her perfect chignon and then her worried and anxious face. She has no words to aid this moment as pure unadulterated shock fills her every bone.
I want to be able to say the words that echo in my heart, but I know they won't fix this moment. I know they won't change the way my friends mother views me. I am a slut, a harlot, someone who will never be accepted by this family. I am nothing.
And as Mrs. Hasting clasps on Clayton's arm and pulls him down the hall, far away from me, as if I'm a leper, tears spring from my eyes.
They fall down in small rivulets, streaking my makeup, ruining my mascara. Ruining everything, because that's what I do. I ruin, I crash, I burn. I let trouble follow me, and let the mess I create ruin everyone else around me.
I stand in the dark empty hallway for what feels like hours letting sobs wreck my body, and tears escape their captivity. I let emotions overwhelm me, and love break me.
"Hayley?" a small familiar voice fills the voice behind me. I slowly rotate to face my best friend. Her blue eyes filled with worry as they take in my frazzled and broken appearance.
A cry falls from my lips unable to speak any actual words in this moment. Because not only does my friend hate me, but the man I love does now, and so does his mother. This family who taught me love is breaking me into tiny little pieces. Pieces I feel as if I might not be able to ever refill because the pain runs so deep. So harsh.
"What's wrong?" Grayson questions running over to me. Her eyes filled with concern as my shoulders shake with fear and heartbreaking sadness. "Hayley, please are you okay? What's wrong?" she asks pushing for me to provide with an answer for why I'm standing in this hallway completely and utterly broken.
"Everything." This is the only word I'm able to breathe out before loud cries take over my whole body and break me down to a level I haven't felt since my father died.
Pain. Sadness. Anger. Every emotion fills me and pulls me apart until all that is left is a crying mess in my best friends arms.
And as I fall apart Grayson keeps whispering, "It's going to be okay," her soft words assure me though not quite positive why I'm so broken. So lost.
But I'm not sure if she's right in this moment.
Because I think I may be lost beyond repair.
Broken beyond reasoning.
Falling apart without anyone to catch me.