I don't even know what to do at this point. Everything isn't turning out how it should. Maybe that's what's planned. Maybe it's destined for me to go through this struggle to be more appreciative. I guess that's life. I guess this is one of my low times. Nothing seems fun like it used to. I've become a Zombie to time. As the clock ticks, I ponder about my future. I have a lot going on right now and I don't know what to do about it all. Hopefully it gets better. Im sure you would know, wouldn't you?
I like her and she feels mutual but I don't know what to do. She's so beautiful and has the best personality. I'm just afraid of fear and messing everything up, but what's new? I don't want to hurt her like I did with my last lover. I don't want to let her down. I want her to feel loved. I want to love her, but I'm afraid. Im afraid of failing and that's what's holding me back. Whatever is inside me, needs to come out in full force one day, and maybe that will be when I'm truly happy. Not hiding behind the impenetrable wall of fear that is blocking my way. I want to love her. I want to love her. I want to love her, but fear is getting the best of me. That's why I can't pull the trigger. I want to love her without holding anything back. I'm not in it for the sex. I want someone to cuddle. I want someone to kiss. I want some one to love. She's the one, and you know that don't you? I hope you have figured this out by the time you open this. It's important. Love is more important than any stupid job that you can have. Love is what keeps you happy, and maybe that's why I'm not happy.
I'm sorry to my past lover. I'm sorry I let her down. I'm sorry I went by word of mouth instead of listening to her side of the story. Words and envy just got the best of me, and I'm regretful for that. I knew you didn't do those things, but I was just confused. Confused with myself and not her in any way. I guess I should have listened to my soul. Maybe you did do the correct choice, maybe you didn't. You'll never know. You'll never know what could have been, but maybe that's a good thing. Maybe she wasn't good for you. Maybe you two weren't meant to be and that's totally fine. Maybe she was just an introduction to who you love now. Maybe she was a blessing in disguise. I know she hurt you. I definitely still feel it in my heart. It's a longing for her again, but we can't go back. Our heart is with someone else, but I can't decide at this point. Just promise me please. Be friends with her. Don't let what happened in the past push her away. She has a good heart deep down, and you've even seen it. Just promise me this as well. Tell the person we love before it's too late. Don't let procrastination get the best of us. We need to tell her we love her, because I know we do. We've been in love with her ever since you spent your whole Sophomore homecoming night talking to her about her life. You love her. I know you do. Tell her before it is too late, ok? We can't let her go. She is too wonderful to let her go. She is to beautiful to let her go. She is who you love and you don't let your lovers go.
Don't worry about the future or the past. Focus on what's happening now. Trust me. I know that neither looking to the future nor the past help with anything. Doing this is what has influenced me to become depressed. I know that's what is doing it. I'm looking to far ahead, when all you have to do to be happy is to live in the moment. I just have to say this. Live in the moment, live in the moment, and live in the moment. Those are my advice to you. Don't let the past hold you down forever either. Yeah, you will make your mistakes, but who cares. Things happen. Things happen for a reason. Things happen to show you the inner beauty of a moment.
Depression is the one true enemy. It beats you down further, further, further, and even further until you don't want to crawl out of the pit of despair that you are in. Let me ask you this. Are you truly happy with yourself? Are you hiding anything that you don't want to hide but feel obligated to? I know you are. I know you are because I do. I hide my feelings. I hide my thoughts. I hide my opinions. I hide myself. This isn't the way to live. You want to be free. You want to live. You don't want to be held down by these constraints. These constraints of depression. You know that it hurts. It all hurts. It all hurts. You hear it all the time, I know. Men don't get depression. Men don't have feelings. Stop being so feminine. Just be you. Who cares. Being you is what gets rid of this illness. Liberation is key. Liberation is what sets your mind free. Once your mind is free, you can do anything. I know you can do it. I believe in you. I believe in you. I know you don't hear that very often. I believe in you. I believe in you. You can do anything.
Let go of the toxins. The toxins who are holding you back. The toxins who put you down. The toxins that may you feel stupid. The toxins that spread things. The toxins who are fake. The toxins who aren't there for you. They are toxic and you know it. Why not get rid of them. Cut them off. Excommunicate them from your mind. Toxins are what ruin you. They ruin your mind. They ruin your thinking. So, why don't you get rid of them. I'm ignorant. I know. I know I've held on to the toxins. I feel bad for them. They seem helpless. They seem hurt. They seem broken. They aren't. They use you. They use you for themselves. They aren't sick. They are trying to make you sick. They hide behind their shell. They hide from the world. They are fake to draw you in. They are fake to make you pity them. This is what they want. They want to use you. They will let you go eventually. So why not let them go first? You know he's a toxin. He's fake. He wants attention every moment he gets. He says he's broken, but is he? Is he really broken, or is that him hiding behind the shell that toxins do. He is one of them. He isn't with you to benefit you. He's only here to be a parasite. He's trying to infect you. He's trying to bring you down with him. He's an anchor to your ship, and you can't let him sink you. You can't let him ruin all that you have worked for. Let him go. Let him go before he lets you go. If you wait, you'll be the bad guy. You'll be the one who is the pain maker, and you aren't that. Your true friends will know who you are, and they will know that what you are doing is right. They sure do now. Let that toxin go. Let it go. Let it be free from your life. Once it is free, you won't have it holding you back. You won't have it holding you down to its level. You won't have to experience its selfishness. He is a toxin and he needs to be set free. Once you set something free, it is in no way able to hold you back any longer. Forget that they seem broken. They aren't broken. They are trying to make you broken, and you aren't broken yet. You aren't broken. You can rise above this.
Let it heal you. Let it be a main part of your life. Don't listen to what others want you to listen to. You are you, and thats the best thing you can be what. So what if it isn't the type they tell you that you should be listening to. Its not girly, its not annoying, its not abstract, its not bad. Its you. You are who you are and don't let them change that. Stay true to yourself. Listen to whatever pleases your ear. It is what helps you cope with it all. It helps you release all the bad thoughts. It helps you channel your emotions. It was created to heal. It was created to express things that couldn't be expressed just by talking. It feels pain, just like you. It feels broken, just like you. Listen to what heals you. Listen to what helps you cope. Don't be a subject of conformity. Conformity is the enemy. It isn't conforming to anything, so why should you? Let it heal you. Let it liberate you. Let it feel your pain. Feel it's pain. It is what has been around since the beginning of time so shouldn't it be considered a remedy. It is a remedy to a broken heart, a broken mind, a broken soul. This is why they use it in gospel. They use it to express their gratitude. They use it to praise. They let it heal their soul. You must let it heal your soul because when your soul is healed, your mind is clear, and who ever said a clear mind isn't a good thing. Keep your mind open and let it heal you, let it heal your broken and battered soul.
It's a long wait for me. I know you already have it, and you are probably sick of it. I want it so bad. It's what signifies my freedom. It's what signifies that I have enough responsibility. It's what signifies that I'm almost an adult. It means that i'll be leaving soon. It means that i'll need to grow up soon. It means that i'll be on my own soon. It means so many things. Things that are difficult to understand at the moment. I hope you handled the freedom well and didn't let it get the best of you. I want it so bad. I want to be on my own to travel freely. I want to explore new places. I want to work for things. I want to live. I can't live without this. I need it yet I don't. I'm not a kid anymore but I'm not ready to grow up. I'm in this limbo state. I want to be free yet I don't. Maybe that's one of the feelings as a teenager. Maybe its just my mind. Maybe it's just who I am. I need it soon. I need it to be free.
The judge you so much at this time. I thought it would be easy. I thought it would be different. They say its bad and they are right. They are right about the judgement. They are right about the stress. They are right about the death. They are right about the pain. They are right about the happiness. They are right about it all. They are right. It's bad now, but it gets better doesn't it. It improves? I hope you have gotten past this. I hope you have seen the world in a new way. I hope this experience has prepared you. This journey is opening my eye. It's showing me that I'm not perfect. It's showing me that I've made bad decisions. I've learned a lot in these past two years. I have done a lot of growing up, but not enough. I'm in a state in the middle. In a state where you don't know where to go or what to do. You don't know how to go through life. You're lost. You're broken. You want to be found. Maybe you have been found when you are reading this. I'm sure you will. You have them to support you. They will help you along the way. They will mend you when you are broken. They will pull you out of your pit of despair. They will be there. In the end, it will be better won't it? It gets better doesn't it? Please make sure it gets better. For me. I need your help to keep me safe. I need you to be the strong one who pulls through this. Don't end up like one of them. Don't end up on your deathbed. Don't go off the hill. Please, be safe. We have a story to tell. We have a personal legend to fulfill. Please, for me, make sure we are safe. Always be careful and don't let an emotional time get the best of you. Don't make impulsive or hasty decision. It will affect your life and you will let me down. Don't let me down. Don't lose control. Please, be safe.
This letter is to you and only you. Only you will understand who it is about. Only you will understand the feelings you are going through. Only you will know how you felt back at this time. Only you will know what you felt for someone. Only you will understand this. I hope this means a lot to you and you continue this. I hope that you are doing well. I hope that it has gotten easier. I hope that you have achieved your goals. I hope you are found and you are healed. I hope you are you and never want to change that. I hope you feel loved. I want the best for you and so do you. We are the same yet different. You are grown up, I'm not. I hope you find the light in the dark room. I hope you are safe.
- Matthew Irwin
11/29/17 : 12:03 AM
Macbook Air 13 inch (2012)