Song of the Chapter: 1979 - Smashing Pumpkins
"And we don't know just where our bones will rest.."
- x -
I lie on the cold table. There's a bright light directly in front of me that blinds me. My body is cold and I look down and see myself in a navy blue hospital gown and my feet resting on stirrups. Goosebumps rise on my skin and I begin to shake.
"Okay Jasmine," a voice says from the darkness, "you're prepped and ready for the procedure. How are you feeling?"
"Nervous. Is this going to hurt?" I reply.
"You'll feel some discomfort and cramping, but that will go away very soon."
"Okay." I say. The doctor appears and he sits in front of my open legs. A figure from the darkness appears and hands him his tools. The doctor gives me a smile before putting on his mask and begins with the abortion.
I let out a gasp as the medial instrument enters me. Am I alone? A hand holds mine and I see Jack right next to me. He looks at me and his gaze is cold and hard.
I suck on my teeth as I feel a sharp pain. "That hurts!"
"Oh, I'm sorry! I'll be gentle." The doctor says.
"You're doing fine, Jasmine." A voice from the darkness says.
"You're killing it." Paige's voice says.
"Paige?" I ask.
"Murderer!" She shouts.
"Ow! It-it hurts!" I say.
"The baby is really in there." The doctor chuckles. "Nurse? Bring me my tool."
"Does he know what you're doing?" Paige says. She steps from the darkness and her eyes are focused to my right side. I glance over and see Shawn instead of Jack. Shawn holds my hand and smiles at me.
"You're doing great, baby." Shawn says to me. "Our baby is gonna be out any minute."
"Here you are, Doctor." There's the sound of a machine whirring and I feel an increasing amount of pain.
I open my mouth and let out a shout of pain. "Shawn! Make him stop!"
"Oh, but you're almost done!" Shawn says as he smiles at me. "How far along Doctor?"
"Stop!" I yell. There's loud whirring and more chuckling.
"Oh, looks like I'm going to have to use my hands!" He tossed the machine to the side and spreads my legs wider. I feel his hands inside me and I scream out in pain.
"Stop!" I shout. "It hurts! Stop it!"
"Murderer!" Paige yells in my ear.
"Almost done!" The doctor says.
"It hurts! It hurts! Stop!"
"You're doing good, baby!" Shawn says.
"No! Stop it! It hurts!"
"Murderer! Murderer!"
"Almost there!"
"Stop!"
"You're doing good baby!"
"It hurts!"
"Almost there!"
"Killer!"
"Baby, you're doing wonderful!"
There's the sound of a high pitched cry and all the commotion ceases. Shawn let's go of my hand and his eyes go wide. He stands up and moves to the doctors side before placing a hand over his mouth. "Our baby is here!"
"Would you like to show mommy?" The nurse says. She wraps the baby up in a blanket and hands it to Shawn.
Shawn begins to sing an eerie lullaby to it and he walks over to me. "He's our baby, mommy." Shawn shows me the blanket of the discarded baby. The blanket is covered in blood and Shawn smiles at me.
"Stop!" I shout.
"Jasmine!" Shawn says.
"Look at our beautiful baby." He says.
"Murderer!" Paige says.
I hear Shawn's voice trying to wake me up and can feel my body shaking. Shawn looks at me as he holds our baby in his arms. "Don't you wanna hold it?"
= =
"Jasmine, you're having a nightmare! Wake up!"
My eyes shoot open and I find Shawn hovering above me. He has his arms at my shoulders and he has stopped shaking me.
"It's okay." Shawn says. No, it's not okay.
I sit up and he doesn't hesitate as he holds my body close to him. He stokes my hair and kisses the top of my head while comforting me in a soothing voice. I don't even care that he's shirtless, I just want him to hold me and make me feel safe like he would when we were together.
"Shawn?" I ask.
"Yeah?"
"Can...Can you stay with me until I fall asleep?"
"Absolutely."
"Thank you." I say.
Neither one of us moves; I don't lie down on the bed and neither does he. Shawn's arm refuse to let me go and I suddenly begin to wonder if it's due to the fact that I've had a terrible nightmare about what I did, or because maybe, just maybe, he might still feel something for me. Would he still harbor feelings for me? I keep my eyes closed and take in the moment of him holding me in his arms.
The way he holds me reminds me of when I came back to him after his fight. He held me like he didn't want to let me go. Before I can even think, I speak. The words pour out of my mouth like the ocean waves casually and carelessly flow in the shore.
"Please don't let me go, Shawn."
"Trust me," he replies in my ear, "I'm not letting you go."
He doesn't care about you. He doesn't want you back, I tell myself.
"I'm going to lie us down now." Shawn tells me. "But I'm not going to let you go."
"Thank you." I whisper.
My body moves with his and soon enough we're lying down on the bed. I lie on my side, still curled up into his warm body that I never knew I missed until now. Remember - he doesn't love you. He gets under the covers and wraps his right arm around me. Our feet touch and I remember the many giddy nights when we would relax in bed or on the couch and I would laugh at how his feet felt compared to mine.
"You have the biggest but ugliest feet! Get those things away from mine!"
"Hey, big sock, big cock."
My mind is torn between wanting to keep my eyes open or to close them. If I close them, I'll fall asleep surely. When he held me like this, I would always fall asleep. Always. What if I wake up and he's not holding me? Then what? I want to keep them open but if they remain open, what would eye contact lead to?
"Do you want to fall asleep?" Shawn asks me. "I've never seen you have a nightmare, or anyone have one, for that matter. Am I supposed to let you fall asleep? Because I don't wanna hear you screaming like that again."
"I don't know." I reply.
And it's the truth. Do I want to fall asleep? If I fall asleep, I'll fall asleep in his arms and possibly wake up in the morning and find myself alone. How am I to convince him that I don't want him to leave, even after I sleep?
"Do you want me to make you something to eat?" He asks. One thing I want just the same as being in his arms is his cooking. I nod my head. "Alright. I'm gonna let go of you right now so I can stand up." I nod my head again.
Shawn let's go of me as he gets out of the bed and I sit up. I wipe away the leftover tears I had and get out of the bed and begin to walk with him. Shawn takes me by surprise and carries me in his arms out of the room. He then begins to slowly and carefully descend down the steps. With our movement, the lamp in the corner of the living room turns on automatically. I glance up and find him looking directly at me before taking us into the kitchen. He sets me on my feet and I take a seat at the stool behind the counter.
"Are you in the mood for something in particular or do you want me to surprise you?" Shawn asks me.
I shrug my shoulders. "Surprise me."
Shawn turns around and I see his back muscles flex with his movements. "Nora's very lucky to have you."
He stops and turns around before leaning against the cabinets. His arms flex as he crosses his arms under his chest. I take notice of how sleepy he looks and how curly his hair is. "What do you mean?" Shawn asks me.
"That she's lucky." I repeat.
"Why?"
"Cause she has you to cook for her."
"I actually haven't cooked for her." Shawn confesses.
"What?!" I ask. "Have you cooked for anyone?"
"Yeah, my mom. And sometimes when I babysit Michelle's daughter."
"She has a kid?"
"Yeah. Her name's Mia. She's absolutely sweet. She's my god daughter."
"Really?" I ask. "Aw, I bet you make her the best food."
"Sometimes. But Mia makes a mean bowl of cereal."
I let out a laugh and look at Shawn's tattoos. "Would you get a tattoo for her?"
"I want to, but Michelle won't let me." He replies. Shawn walks over to the living room and plops down on the couch.
"What? Why?" I ask as I follow him. I take a seat next to him but keep my distance.
"I don't know. She says that me being her godfather is already a high honor that I shouldn't get a tattoo of her."
"What's Mia like?" I ask.
"Oh, she's the best. She went to one of my fights and that was the first and last time. She got so scared! But to be fair, it was the fight where I knocked that guys teeth out." He shrugs. "But other than that, sometimes I feel like she's my own kid." Oh here comes that feeling from my nightmare again...
"How so?"
"I feel like she couldn't have come at a better time. She was born almost a year after we broke up and when I visited Michelle in the hospital I literally fell in love with that little girl. I gave Owen and Michelle some time to rest and I literally held that girl nonstop. But I got to teach her how to skate and Michelle and Owen agreed that whenever I want to see Mia, I can have her for a week."
"A week? Aren't they going to miss her?"
"They're new parents. Yeah, she's four years old, but they haven't slept. But like I was saying, as soon as I met her, I knew that I just wanted to be in this little girls life forever. It's weird to say, but this little kid changed my life."
"What tattoo would you get for her?" I ask him.
I'm thinking another call to Dr. Jill is in order.
"She drew a picture of us. I'm thinking of getting it here." He places his fingers over to his left inner forearm. The tattoo would mirror his guitar tattoo. "It'd be a cool one to show to her on our date."
"You take her out on dates but not your other god daughter?" I ask.
"Alright first of all, Scott's girl is thirteen months. She can't eat chicken tenders." Shawn tells me. "And second of all, Michelle won't let me. She genuinely refuses."
"So these dates you have with her...does she tap on the table and make you guess the song?" I ask him. He looks at me for a small second before his lips curved up into a smile. His rare dimples popped out and I smiled back at him.
"Talk about memories, huh? Actually, yeah, she does. But it's more of this." Shawn gently but recklessly pats at my thighs with his hands in the tune of a song. The actions make me laugh and Shawn removes his hands from my thighs. "She mainly sings Robin Cooper or Ariana Grande."
"Besides that, what are your dates like?"
"Well, she dresses up like a princess and I make her feel like one. She likes when I go back to New York and take her to the zoo and to see musicals. Those are her favorite dates. And then it ends with a horse drawn carriage ride and she gets the biggest kiss on the cheek."
"No hand shake or a fist bump?"
Shawn laughs and nudges me. "No, she's my best date."
"Wow. I'm hurt. You know, I gave my very best performance when I found that condom in your car." I say.
"You know, I've gone on dates but nothing ever came out of it. And I swear to you, you always popped up in my head with the whole condom thing." Shawn says.
So he's thought about me? How frequent were these thoughts?
"But her favorite spot to go is the forest preserve. She says it makes her feel like a queen for some reason. It's the cutest thing actually; she just looks up at the stars and she dances around and it's just the two of us until she's tired."
"Wait, you take her to our spot?" I ask.
"She's a special person to me, of course I'm taking her there."
I don't even know what to think. Hearing him talk about Mia as if she were his own... It truly hits so close to home. Should I have told him?
"To be honest, she somewhat reminds me of you." He says.
"Me? How?"
"The way she talks and her personality. It's so...you."
"I can't tell if that's a good or bad thing."
"It's good. It's kind of like a little piece of you is still with me."
Did he ever miss me? Does he miss me? Do I miss him?
"Can I ask you something? When we were at the cafe the other night, you said something about you being able to love me better now because you can. I'm probably overthinking it, but, why did you say that?"
Without skipping a beat or stopping to pause, he gives me his answer. "I don't know why I said that, to be honest with you. Sometimes when I talk I don't think, so most likely, that wasn't meant."
I yawn and rub my eye. Do another yawn and excuse yourself to go back to bed. "Thank you for talking and keeping me safe. You really put me back to sleep. I'm gonna go back upstairs. We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow."
I get up from the couch and head for the staircase. I don't look back, but give him a simple, "Goodnight," and continue to make my way into my bedroom. Once inside, I lock the door behind me and head straight for my bed.
"See Jasmine," I begin talking to myself. I lie on my bed and stare through the dark up at the ceiling. "He doesn't care. Besides, tonight was good with Jeremy."
There's a knock on my door and I hesitate on opening it.
"I know you're not asleep yet." Shawn says from the other side of the door. "And I can also break this door down."
Rolling my eyes, I get up from the bed and head over to the door, unlocking it and swinging it open. Shawn stands in the doorway and his head it resting against the door frame.
"You once had a nightmare when we were dating. It wasn't as bad as this, but you woke up sobbing and then you had another one when you went back to bed." Shawn says. "I don't care what you say, I'll sleep on the floor if I have to, but I'm not letting you go back to sleep without me here."
It wouldn't hurt to have him sleeping in the same bed. Just for protection. Besides - you don't even love him anymore.
"Thank you." I say. I step aside and go back to my bed as Shawn closes the door.
Once I'm under the covers, Shawn climbs in with me and I don't know which way to lie. Facing him? Turning away from him? Do I just look up at the ceiling?
"Hey," Shawn says in a low voice, "I never asked, how was your date?"
I face him and am relieved he's not close to me. "It went great. Jeremy is a real gentleman. I think I'm gonna see him again."
"Did you kiss him or shake his hand?" Shawn asks. I chuckle and give him a gentle nudge.
"Oh shut up." I joke.
"So?" He inquires.
"Yeah, I let him kiss me."
You should have lied and said he didn't. For some reason I feel like I hurt him. I can't explain why, I just feel like I do.
"You really have changed within these four years, huh?"
"I guess so. I'm still the shy painter."
"Did you ever show anyone else your art? Like a friend?"
"No. You were the last person I showed my art to."
"Huh."
"Huh, what?"
"Nothing. It's just ironic how an art piece like you would be shy about your art pieces." He says.
"Shawn?"
"Jasmine?"
"Are you hitting on me?"
"Me? Hitting on you? Oh, please."
"If you are I'm gonna have Jeremy kick your ass."
Shawn snorts and then chuckles. "Jeremy Fenn kick my ass? Oh yeah, in his dreams."
"I'll see him in my dreams."
"And where do you see me?"
In my nightmares handing me our dead baby...
"No where." I reply. "Sweet dreams."
"You popped up in my dreams a few times." He confesses.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"What happened in these dreams? I'm very curious now."
"Well, you actually slapped me in these dreams. But most of the time, they were always of you repeating that you hated me."
I don't know how to respond to that. Do I tell him about my nightmare? But how would he respond to it? What would I even say about the nightmare? "Hey Shawn, you were in my nightmare and you handed me our aborted baby."
"Shawn?"
"Jasmine?"
"Thank you for staying with me."
"Thank you for letting me stay."
"Shawn?"
"Jasmine?"
"Good night."
"Sweet dreams."
I wait one more minute.
"Shawn?"
He lets out a playful sigh. "Jasmine?"
"If you still would like, we can be friends." I say. After I say the last word, Shawn spared no hesitation in pulling me closer to him in a tight and warm hug. I didn't protest it, but just let out a laugh.
"How long until we become best friends?" He asks.
"A long way to go."
"Great. I can stay in Chicago forever."
= =
The morning was better mainly because it was the day of the interview. Simone was set to call us later on today with news of the locations and times. While we waited for her call, Shawn cooked breakfast while we talked about Jack and Paige.
"Do you think he proposed already?" I ask him eagerly.
"I don't know. He hasn't said anything to me yet." Shawn replied.
"Has he gotten your texts? Calls? Voicemails?"
"No, I sent him pigeon mail. Should I have called?"
"Do you think they're not replying because they still have engagement sex?"
"They're at the cabin for the whole weekend, right?" He asks me.
"Yeah."
"Then yeah, they're most likely still fucking."
My phone rings just as I reply to Shawn, making me stop mid-thought. I grab it and place the call from Simone on speaker. "Hey, we were just waiting for your call."
"I'm so sorry, I was busy talking with the model. Listen, I have some bad news." Simone begins.
"What is it?" Shawn speaks up.
"I'm afraid I've caught a terrible case of food poisoning! I'm lying in bed sweating and I'm just a terrible, puking mess. You both will have to forgive me, I do apologize. Is there any way we can reschedule for next week?" Simone says through the line.
"I'm available next week, but after that I'm booked almost solid." Shawn says. "Jasmine, can you do it?"
"I'll be in the Hamptons all next week." I say. "Unless you can fly out?"
"Absolutely! I can make it. Let me look in my calendar just a moment..."
There's silence over the line and I look at Shawn. He bites his nail and I look back at the phone. "Alright how about Thursday and Friday? Is that okay for you both?"
"That's fine for me." Shawn and I both say at the same time.
"Perfect! I'll let the model know. Thank you both for understanding. I'll talk to you both on Tuesday."
"Alright. Feel better, Simone." I say.
"Thank you, angel. Good bye!" Simone hangs up.
I lock my phone and let out a long groan. It's only eleven and I need a drink!
"What's wrong?" Shawn asks me. I lift my head up and smile at him.
"Next week is my moms birthday. All my family will be there. And by all my family, I mean mainly my moms side of the family." I say. "Including my Tia's who had a big crush on you."
"Oh." Shawn says. "Do they know how we...?"
"No. But this means I'm honestly going to have to train you again on how to deal with my family."
"Listen, I was able to take them on before, I can take them on again." He says.
We both look at each other before he caves in. Shawn clears his throat and places his hands on the copper counter top between us.
"Alright now who do I need to stay away from again?"