Jayden:
I walked out of school avoiding all signs of Deja. I didn't want to see her, maybe I did, but I just wasn't ready to see her. I got into my car and banged my head on the steering wheel. I had a whole bunch of messages from her and missed calls. I just turned off my phone and tossed it in the glove compartment.
I turned the radio on, but all the songs they were playing reminded me a Deja. They reminded me of her voice, her smile, her contagious laugh that always gives me weird feelings in my stomach when I hear it. I turned off the radio and sat there in silence. I saw Deja walk out of the school. For the first time in forever, she walked home. The last time she was home was before I officially asked her out and I started picking her up for school.
I started the car and drove up to the spot. I shared lots of moments here with Deja, but I had moments of my own here way before that. I parked my car and got out. I sat on the hood of my car and just stared at the buildings that were like little ants. I liked being able to sit here and only hear the wind whistling through leaves in the trees.
I sat there for about 10 minutes before another car pulled up and parked next to mine. Tony got out and smiled.
"What's up?" I asked.
"Nothing just came to enjoy the view," He said standing next to me. "You?"
"I need to think."
"About what?"
"Deja," I said. He laughed a little. "I'm always thinking about her, but this time, it's different. I want to be more to her than just a boyfriend. I want to increase the things I do for her."
"Is this about the locker?" He asked.
"Yes, it is."
"She gave Chloe all the stuff in the locker and told her she didn't want anything to do with any of it. She loves you, dude. And she wouldn't trade you for anything expensive. You're lucky to have someone love you like that."
"I just feel like I'm not doing enough," I said.
"Look, in all of my failed relationships... It's not that the guy isn't doing enough, it's the girl doesn't appreciate the fact that he's trying. And if Deja accepts you and loves you even though what you do may not be enough, it's enough for her."
"I shouldn't have yelled at her..."
"Why did you?"
"She thinks I'm jealous that someone else is making her happy. It's partially true, but I'm more jealous because I'm not in her memory box."
"Memory box?"
"Yeah, she has a little box of things she wants to keep and remember for the rest of her life. And I'm not in it. It makes me jealous. She has a whole bunch of other things from guys in it, but there's nothing of me in it and I feel like she doesn't love me or doesn't want to remember me because I'm not in it."
"Deja's a really deep person and I know for a fact that you're somewhere else. Somewhere more important than her memory box. Trust me."
"What if she doesn't love me?" I asked.
"She loves you, trust me."
"It's a lot deeper than just the memory box."
I looked down at my hands and thought about what I wanted to tell Deja last night, but I got interrupted by the pizza delivery.
"Does she know?" He asked.
"Know what?"
"That you have-"
"No," I said. "Not yet."
I just sat and thought about all the things Tony was telling me and wondered if they were true.
...
I sat at the dinner table with my parents, my sister, her husband, and Noah.
My older brother, Aaron, who just graduated college was also there. We never really got along at all. He was always pointing out the fact that I wasn't as great as he was. He always put me down and shoved me to the ground just to make sure I was always beneath him. He was always rude to me and he never really understood me. He called me names and trash talked me before any event of mine. When I became super popular at school for playing football, he ran for SBO and joined the swim team just to beat whatever I was doing. If I got good grades, he'd get good grades, a better citizenship and got a job to top me. He crushed my spirit all the time and I became so used to it that it's easy for me to take the pain now. Well, up until I met Deja.
Deja made me feel things all over again. I was no longer immune to pain. She made the numbness in my life go away and she brought me cheer and joy. I honestly love her with everything I've got. But she deserves a lot better than me.
"Jayden, how was your day at school?" My sister asked.
"It was alright," I said. My brother laughed a little. "What?"
"Nothing," he said. "Oh, guess what mom?"
"What?" My mom asked.
"I proposed to Angelica yesterday and she said yes!"
"Yay!" My mom squealed.
Angelica was my brother's obnoxious girlfriend. In my opinion, she's only dating him for his money and he's only dating her for her looks. But I could care less about what he does with his life.
"Jayden has a girlfriend," My mom said looking at me. I looked up from my plate.
"Really? Is she imaginary?" Aaron asked.
"Shut up," Naomi said. Her husband, Cole chuckled quietly beside her. "Leave baby alone."
"Wow, you have a child now, but you still call our 18-year-old little brother baby?" Aaron laughed a little.
"I'm 17," I said. "You'd know that if you weren't such a stuck-up jerk."
"And you wouldn't be such a sensitive loser if your girlfriend didn't leave you for another guy in 8th grade."
"You're an assh-"
"Jayden, watch your language," my dad said.
I scrunched up my fists in tight little balls and stared at Aaron who was doing the same.
"Baby," he mumbled.
"Momma's boy," I said rolling my eyes.
"Anyways," my mom said clearing her throat. "Why don't you call Angelica and Jayden call Deja and see if they want to come over for dinner. Like right now."
"I'll text her," Aaron said pulling out his phone.
"Deja's busy," I said continuing to play with my food. I wasn't hungry.
"School work?" She asked.
"I don't know," I said.
"C'mon Jayden, I'd sure love to meet your girlfriend," Aaron said.
"She's super nice and pretty," Naomi said smiling. "Noah loves her."
"Sounds like a great girl..."
"She really is. He's always with her-" I cut off my mom.
"Can we not talk about Deja right now?" They all stared at me.
"Aw, did she dump you too?" Aaron asked.
"No, she didn't. We're perfectly fine right now," I lied.
"Then call her and ask if she can come over for dinner," Aaron said with a smirk.
"I told you, she's busy!" I yelled. The room fell silent.
I stood up and tried to leave, but my dad grabbed my arm and made me sit down.
"Eat your food," He said.
"I'm not hungry," I said rolling my eyes and sitting back in my chair.
"Eat it and appreciate it."
"I'm not hungry!"
"Jayden..."
"Dad..."
"Jayden..."
"I'm not in the mood dad."
"Fine, but you still have to sit and enjoy this family dinner. It's been a long time since we had all 3 of you in the house at the same time. Including, Cole and baby Noah."
"I'd rather be eating dinner with a dog than eat dinner with him," I said looking at Aaron.
"I don't understand," My mom said. "You guys have been like this since you guys were little kids. You guys have never gotten along! What is up with you two?"
"He thinks he's better than everyone else!" I yelled.
"I am better than everyone else!"
"No, you're not!"
"You're just jealous!"
"Of what?!"
"Enough!" My dad yelled. "Both of you go sit in the corner and think about how stupid you guys sound!"
"Really, dad... I'm 22, I don't need timeouts," Aaron said crossing his arms and staying seated.
I stood up and walked over to the corner. I didn't wanna piss my dad off anymore tonight. He's already had enough from me and Aaron.
"If 22-year-olds act like 5-year-olds, they get timeouts. Now get to your corner." Aaron rolled his eyes and got up standing in the corner opposite from me.
We stood there for about 5 minutes. Naomi couldn't help but laugh from her seat as she watched us. Naomi was the oldest of us three and she was always the nicest to me in the family. She was the only one who really understood me. My parents were always so obsessed with Naomi and Aaron that it made me feel excluded at times. I became a shy kid at a young age because I didn't even fit in with my own family. They were all smart brainiacs with dreams of becoming doctors and lawyers or the first female president of the United States of America. I wanted to be a football player or something a lot cooler than what they wanted. They were always so professional and clean with whatever they did. They took things so easily and things didn't get to them like I did. Being pushed away my whole life and being rejected, I let things get to me even though they shouldn't. It hurts.
The only reason Aaron pushed me away though was because I was different. I didn't like the same things as him ever. We were so opposite. And he never tried to understand me, ever. But the main reason was because I wasn't as smart as him. Or he thought I wasn't as smart as him because I was born with dyslexia.
Dys·lex·i·a /dəsˈleksēə/: a general term for disorders that involve difficulty in learning to read or interpret words, letters, and other symbols, but that do not affect general intelligence.
Even though dyslexia doesn't affect the way I act or my general intelligence, it affected the way Aaron treated me. He made me feel like I was stupid for years just because I had some stupid disorder that made it hard for me to read, write and spell things.
He made me feel like I was less than everyone else. Not just him. He did it at school too. He would do things to embarrass me and make me feel like I was nothing. Everyone made fun of me and bullied me up until my sophomore year. That was the year he graduated from high school and moved out and I was finally ready to live my life the way I wanted to.
He's the reason why I let Deja's secret admirer get to me. Someone making Deja feel more special than I did, made me think about all the times I cried to Naomi because Aaron would do something to make me feel like I was stupid and useless and nothing.
I was going to tell Deja last night that I had dyslexia, but I got interrupted by the guy who delivered the pizza. I was also going to tell her this morning when she got into the car, but she told me about the roses. I even tried starting a conversation about Halloween and basketball so that I could ease my way into telling her, but I was interrupted by her locker. All things that made me feel even more like a nothing.
Aaron's right. I am a sensitive loser, but he doesn't realize that it was him who made me like that. He's the one who pushed me away and made me feel useless and unloved. He's the one who makes me question myself when I'm around Deja.
I ask if I'm even worth her time or if I'm even the right person for her.
But I can't help but stay away from her because she makes me a better person or she makes me want to be a better person. She makes me want to show Aaron and the rest of the people who put me down that I'm more than what they say about me.
And that I define myself...
A/N: YOU DEFINE YOURSELF! LIVE YOUR LIFE THE WAY YOU WANT TO LIVE IT! :)