AN: I'm sorry if this chapter is a little filler-ish, but ty for reading :)
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"So wait..." Michael's voice trailed off and he looked down to the floor of Calum's bedroom. "You appologized to her?"
It was Sunday afternoon, and I was with Michael, Calum, and Luke, trying to write another orginal song for our band. We have been a little innactive with this for quite sometime, and now all we were trying to do was get back on track. Well...at least I was trying to work on it, while the rest of the boys were pestering me with countless questions. They were all about the same things, and they were the things that I didn't want to talk about right now.
"Yes," I nodded slowly, still looking down at the almost blank sheet of paper I held in my lap. It only had one line so far, which I came up with. Everyone else, was talking of different subjects, all involving Brooke.
"But why?" Luke asked. I glanced up at him for a second, feeling my jaw tighten with uneasiness.
"What rhymes with grade?" I said to the group, dismissing Luke's previous question.
"Trade, made, layed, fade..." Calum looked up at the ceiling in thought. "Fade?"
"How the fuck can I use 'fade' in this?" I asked, growing frustrated. I am shit at writing songs, it feels like. I usually enjoy doing it, but for some reason today I felt no inspiration or motives to write anything whatsoever. I looked at Calum for an answer, but he glanced over to Michael for a few moments.
"What do we have so far?" He asked me.
"She's dropping out of school cause she don't need the grades," I replied. "Would it kill you to pay attention?"
"Sorry," Calum answered. "Uh...I don't know, actually. Let me think about it for a moment."
"He'll get back to you," Michael added to the conversation. "In the mean time, can you answer Luke's question?"
I slumped my back against the wall, glaring down to the floor. I didn't want to answer their qustions right now. I didn't want to talk about anything except the song that we met up to write today. "What was the question again?" I asked sarcastically. Michael scoffed and crossed his arms over his chest, sitting against the opposite wall as me.
"He asked why you appologized to your girlfriend," he repeated Luke's question that I want to avoid. I didn't know what my answer would be, because my reason would probably be ridiculous to them. "So why did you?"
"Because I wanted to." was all I said, looking down again. I didn't just want to appologize, I had to. If I hadn't, she would have gotten even more angry with me.
"Well that's a shitty reason to apologize to her." Michael said bluntly. I rolled my eyes, and picked my pencil up again. I wonder what the next line could be. I ignored the stares they all gave me, as if they were trying to egg me on to explain even further... but I didn't want to.
"Why don't you help?" I snapped, glaring up at Michael. "This band was your idea too."
Michael narrowed his eyes at me, looking at me with an annoyed expression on his face. "How can I concentrate when it's really obiovus that you're pissed off?" he asked me.
"I'm not pissed off," I said truthfully. Honestly, I wasn't mad at anything. I was tired, frustrated with their questions, and sad if anything. My sleep last night was better because Brooke was there, but even that wasn't enough. "I'm fine."
"Doesn't seem like it," Michael shrugged. "But whatever."
"Thank you." I mumbled, happy to drop the subject. The room went quiet once again, and now I couldn't concentrate either. I sighed, crumpled up the sheet of paper, and tossed it into the trashcan.
"That song wasn't going anywhere anyways." I said.
"Maybe we can revisit it," Luke said nicely, getting up and taking it out. He unfolded it and smoothened the wrinkles out. "I like it."
"There's one line." Michael muttered.
"Well maybe one day there will be two." Luke said back. I sighed again, and hugged my knees to my chest. I glanced up at Calum who sat on his bed, opening something on his lap. My eyes grew wide at the site of a fresh cigarette in his hands. I watched in alarm as he reached under his bed, pulled out a lighter, and lit the thing that was now inside his mouth. He handed the pack over to Michael, and Michael did the same. They both simulateously blew out faded clouds of smoke, before Luke asked for one as well. The air in the room grew thick with the chemicals being pushed around, and as soon as the stench filled my nose I had to hold my breath so I wouldn't choke.
"That stuff is bad for you," I pointed out. Calum looked down at me and chuckled like I made absolutely no sense.
"I'm serious," I kept talking. "It's deadly."
"I can open a window if you want." Michael said cautiously.
"Or you can take it out of your mouth." I replied with a harsh tone... I don't know why, though. All three of them exchanged glances with one another, but didn't say anything back to me.
"So uh..." Michael broke the silence, breathing out more antoxication and staring at his feet. "Are pissed at us?"
"I'm not pissed," I said back. "I'm not mad."
"Then what are you, Ashton?" Michael snapped.
"I don't know what I am." I replied.
Yeah...what am I?
"Well you're obviously feeling some other emotion than happiness," Calum added to the conversation. "Why?"
"We had to follow her," Luke sad quietly.
"No you didn't..." my voice trailed off and I mentally slapped myself in the face.
Yes they did.
No, they didn't.
Yes, Ashton. They did.
"Of course we did!" Michael said loudly. "She fucking ditched you!"
"I don't c-care," I stuttered awkwardly. "She's fine."
"Can you please just answer my original question?" Luke asked me. "Why did you appologize to her?"
I was quiet, very very quiet. I didn't know how to say it without seeming ridculous and stupid.
But I'm not stupid, right?
"Because I got mad at her," I said quietly. "And I shouldn't have yelled at her."
"Why did you yell? Did you guys fight?"
"Not really," I replied. "I over reacted, I guess... I'm sorry."
"I doubt you over reacted." Michael said.
"Yeah, Michael?" I looked at him angrily. Brooke's words pounded in my mind, and my head began to hurt. "Well as everyone fucking knows, I overthink everything."
With that, I hopped up and said a quiet and lonely goodbye before exiting Calum's house.
...
The next morning, I still wasn't angry. Michael had sent me a shit ton of texts last night, saying that I was obviously mad at someone. But the thing is, I'm not mad. Why can't they see that? Why can't they leave me alone?
If anything, I was just still tired and sad. Sadness and anger are two totally different emotions, so why does everyone think I'm mad? Is it because my former-last-two-years self would have gotten mad? Well I'm not that person anymore; if I ever was, I would continue to be haunted by guilt and fear. Come to think of it, I still am hautned by guilt and fear. No matter how hard I try to forget about the wrongs I have done, I'm still haunted every night.
I have a reason to appologize to Brooke, and its simple. From the past few weeks I have grown a little scared of her words. And, if I say something stupid, then there will only be more of those words to come out of her mouth. I can't be a jerk if that means she's gonna leave me. I can't be a mean person anymore; I hate the fact that I once was. Maybe I did over react, and maybe that's something I need to stop doing. Of course its something I need to stop doing, but I can't help it. And I can't stand to see her upset with me, I feel bad. If she's mad at me, then that means I screwed something up again, right? Doesn't it?
It was monday, and I was already done with the week. I was tired, and not in the mood to talk to anyone. I don't know why anyone except my girlfriend and my friends that are probably annoyed with me would talk to me. I stuffed my hands in the front pocket of my grey hoodie, ignoring how hot it's going to be this afternoon. I don't really mind the heat, it's whatever.
I walked alone, towards where I usually sit and wait for someone else to show up. I looked down at my feet, ignoring every other voice I heard around me. There was a decent amount of people here, but there was no one that I wanted to converse with. I pushed my glasses back up against my eyes. I lost my contacts again. Damn, I really stop doing that, shouldn't I?
I looked to the right of me at the sound of a familiar and heart-sinking laugh, to see Leila and her usual big group of friends with her. They talked obnoxiously, and I could hear them from where I walked 20 feet away. I used to be friends with all of them, but I haven't said a word to them in a really long time. Leila glanced my way, and our eyes met. I stopped in my tracks, and Leila's mouth shut. Everyone else looked at me, and I felt my hands start to sweat.
She waved, but I didn't do anything in return. I felt a tad bit of anger bubble in my stomach for the first time in a while, and I surprisingly picked my feet up and walked over to her. I told myself to not be a wuss, and go say something.
"Ashton!" she said lightly. "It's been a while, yeah?"
"Can I talk to you?" I ignored her fake smile. Leila glanced around, before sighing and nodding. I backed up from everyone else that stared at us, and waited for her to follow.
"Whats up?" she asked as soon as we were out of ear shot from anyone else.
"Really?" I replied, raising my eyebrows at her.
"Is this about Brooke?" Leila asked me with a sigh.
"Wow you're so smart." I said sarcastically.
"Look, Ashton," Leila said quietly. "I'm sorry if it bugs you if she hangs out with me. I get it-"
"I just want to know why you're trying to fuck with her," I said harshly.
Don't you care that she is hanging out with these types of people? I thought to myself.
No, I don't. If I do, then Brooke will get mad at me again.
Yes, you do care.
No, I don't.
"Fuck with her? What, you mean mess with her head?" Leila looked astonished. "Are you kidding me?"
"What?" I asked. "That's exactly what you're doing! You're trying to.. to manipulate her and it's really obvious!"
"Oh my god are you serious?" Leila snapped, stepping closer to me. "Is that what you think I'm doing? Trying to ruin your relationship with her?"
"Yes," I said bluntly. "I do."
Leila backed up from me and closed her eyes, sighing. "Ashton," she said. "Why the fuck would I do that?"
"Because you're mean to me," I shrugged.
"Oh, well I'm so fucking sorry for giving Brooke a chance to be a friend, instead of automatically listening to what people say about her."
Leila's statement caught me off guard. My eyes widened at the now lilac-haired girl, feeling my pulse pick up. Did I hear what she just said? Did I hear her wrong? What does she mean by that?
"Huh?" I asked with my voice more weak than before. "What do you mean?"
"I heard a lot of shit about this 'Brooke Anderson' chick," Leila replied. "Heard she's a bitch, so I decided to actually talk to her and not listen to people's assumptions. Turns out she's just fine, and now I consider her a friend of mine."
"People... people talk about her?" I squeaked.
"Looks like its starting up," She shrugged, looking around the courtyard. She then looked back at me, and glared. "But you thought I wanted to get in between you guys, didn't you?"
"Well you hate me," I said, now starting to shake at the thought of what Leila was saying. "So why wouldn't you?"
"...You know what, Ashton?" Leila said coldly, narrowing her eyes at me. "You're really fucking ignorant."
"W-what?" I stuttered, shrinking back.
"No wonder everyone thinks you're a freak." She spat, before turning on he heels and walking off.
She left me dumbfounded and absolutely silent. I stared after her, actually wanting her to elaborate on what she was saying about Brooke. But at the same time, I wanted to run away and cry. She said that word. Freak.
Freak,
Freak,
Freak.
I looked back down to the ground in shame, and walked away too.
...
*Brooke's POV*
I walked up the steps to Palo Verde on Monday morning with my eyes glued to my phone. I wasn't in the mood at all to go to school, but I highly doubt my mother would let me stay home. I could skip, but I also doubt Ashton would want to do that. I sighed at the sight of a courtyard full of people, and walked to find either Leila or Ashton.
As I did so, I could feel eyes on me. It's that weird feeling I seem to always get; the one that makes me think that literally every single person in the entire universe ws watching me. I thought it was just my mind playing tricks of me, but as I glanced around I was surprised to see there were a couple people staring at me. I have never seen them before, and it made me slow my walking down a little so I could stare back at them in confusion. I felt awkward in an instant, and I think they did too. They glanced away quickly, and walked off.
"Okay then," I scoffed to myself. Why do I sometimes see people literally staring at me? And they stare at me like I don't even notice. It's quite pathetic, in my opinion. I rolled my eyes to myself, and I spotted Ashton sitting at the bench...with Michael. They both looked uncomfrotable, sitting with a decent amount of space between them. I wondered why, but more importantly I didn't even want to go over there and ask.
"Fuck." I muttered, not in the mood to talk to Michael. He's pissing me off, obviously. I've always noticed about him that he literally says whatever the fuck he wants, with out taking anyone's feelings into consideration. And he's really obnoxious about it, too. So with that in mind, I walked over to Leila and everyone she was with.
"Brooke!" she said happily. She had a somewhat uneasy look in her eyes as she gave me a quick hug. I talked with all of them about nothing important, until the bell rang. I turned and looked in Ashton's direction after everyone I was with dispersed, and luckily for me Michael wasn't there. I hurried over to him, calling out his name as I did so.
"Lovey," he smiled tiredly at me, holding his hand out or me to grab. I gladly took it, pecking his cheek before we both walked to art class. Ashton's grip on my hand was tight, and I glanced up at him breifly to see his narrowed green eyes darting around the area. It was as if he was watching out for something, but I wasn't sure. But I shrugged, and kept quiet until we got to our classroom.
...
*Ashton's POV*
"So how much longer are you going to ignore me?" Michael said behind me as I walked alone. I had my hands back in my pockets, with my head down and my eyes staring at the ground. I sulked through the crowds of people heading home for the day, and all I wanted to do was get to my car and go home myself. Brooke told me she couldn't come over to day, and it was for a reason I did not know.
"I'm not ignoring you, Michael." I sighed, only glancing back at him for a second. I didn't stop walking, because I didn't want to be here. What Leila had told me this morning was on my mind for the past 6 or so hours. The way she said it made it sound so truthful, and I had a sickly feeling in my stomach that she actually was saying the truth. People can't talk about Brooke...they just can't. That's not fair..there's nothing wrong with her; she's fine.
"Well it really seems like it," Michael's scoffed right behind me. "Oh look, I'm Ashton Irwin and my girlfriend is so much more important to me than everyone else, even though she's been a bitch to me for the past two weeks!"
"Will you quit it?" I spat, turning on my heels to glare at him. Michael stopped walking when I did, widening his eyes in what looked like both amuzement and surprise. "Just shut up, honestly. Please."
"Can you just hear me out for once?" Michael asked. Niether of us were paying attention to the fact that there were dozens of people walking and pushing past us.
"For once? What do you mean for once?" I snapped. I didn't mean to sound so hostile, but in the back of my mind all I could think about were Leila's words:
"I heard a lot of shit about this 'Brooke Anderson' chick."
"Heard she was a bitch."
I can't have that happen. That would literally suck, and I don't want people to just make up shit and talk about her like that. I don't know...it was only two sentences out of Leila's mouth, but I take no hesitaton to treat it like it's a huge deal. Because what if it is? I don't want people to look at and a think about Brooke the way they look and think about...well, me.
Stop freaking out. What if Leila is just fucking with you?
But what if she's not?
Stop being such a jerk to your best friend, Ashton. Don't be such a jerk.
"I'm the only one who fucking 'hears you out'." I kept talking. Michael stared at me, with his eyebrows etched together in annoyance.
"I know you are," he muttered. "But you're not seeing what I'm saying-"
"I don't care what you have to say!" I yelled. "I'm not mad at her, alright? And if you want me to be mad about something so simple that I'm trying to move past it, then that's not..." my voice trailed off as I realized how loud I was getting. And us being in public doesn't help either. People were staring at me, like I was crazy. I felt my nerves kick in, and my conscience yelling at me for drawing attention to myself. I nervously clasped my hands together behind my back, and looked down at the ground.
"When's the last time we were both genuinely mad at each other?" I laughed a little.
"...Genuinely mad at each other?" Michael was quiet for a couple seconds, then he chuckled. "When you fucking broke my skateboard in half on that rail in ninth grade."
I looked back up at him, and we both smiled and shrugged. "Sorry," he said. "I'll stop bugging you about it."
"Thank you," I sighed a sigh of relief. I appreciate if he's caring about me, but I just don't want to talk about it right now. If I do talk about it, then every other fear and worry I have comes flooding into my mind. I don't really want that either, to be honest. "Hey, um...you can come over, if you want. My grandmother bought groceries yesterday."
Michael sighed a quiet sigh of relief as well. "Really?" he asked.
"Yeah of course," I nodded. "Come on." I started waking back to my car, with Michael walking beside me.
"Thanks." he said quietly, nervously and awkwardly looking down at the ground. I don't know what he has to sound so quiet and ashamed about; There's nothing wrong with him, or the situation that he's in.
There's nothing wrong with anyone, except maybe myself.