Dear Merlin! I thought I was missing out on life last week, what can I say about tonight? I am not yet 40 and realize how much I haven't had in my life.
I actually, for the first time, truly made love to a man. And it was more than satisfying. I now understand the many levels of lovemaking - desirous need and craving to slow delicate and sensual.
We decided to talk much of the rest of the night, or early morning since it was half past 2.
"Draco, tell me something. Something that I would never have guessed about you."
"Ah hell, you know everything about me."
"Probably not. I mean when we were kids it was trying to figure out what you were doing, trying to avoid your rude comments, and that. What were you like? What was it like being Draco Malfoy?"
"Shit. Well most of the time. My home life was dictated to me early on. Then school where as you so kindly reminded me, I was number 2. Like you, the whole Dark Lord reign was hard on me, I lost friends and loved ones. And ones that were related but not really loved by me. But the friends were the hardest."
"Same. I mean most of those friends I lost, I loved them as family. Since I didn't have any family that are magical, all my magical friends were my family here. What was your favorite class in school?"
"Potions of course. Snape wanted me to take over for him one day, so he worked and worked with me. But it wasn't going to happen and I knew it. No matter how much I wanted it, and one day I would love to go back and teach, it probably won't ever happen."
"I never pictured you as a professor. You'd be good at it."
"I pictured you taking after McGonagall one day. Or Flitwick. I could always see you teaching and enjoying it."
"Maybe. It did cross my mind at one point, but then I started moving up in the Ministry. Now I'm here and... maybe." I haven't thought about it in probably 10 years or so. I remember thinking when Rose was a toddler that it would be nice teacher her and her cousins all the spells and enchantments that I learned. Be the professor that they came to when they needed a parent figure - like McGonagall or Lupin was.
"Tell me something I wouldn't know about you?"
"Ugh, you want to talk about someone who's life is plastered on the pages of the Prophet?" I laugh. No matter how hard I try, I'm always in the paper for something. Since fourth year. "Let me think. You probably would never have guessed that Viktor Krum and I still talk regularly. He sends the kids Christmas presents and me a card for my birthday each year. He calls me the one that got away."
"Great, now I have to keep him away from you too," he says with a smirk but I can only shake my head. "So you're the one that got away? How much really happened that year?"
"We kissed after the ball and that was it. He was somewhat creepy when he'd watch me study, but we'd talk and write during the summer and such. Totally innocent."
"Uh huh."
"Don't 'uh huh' me. You had a reputation at school, if I remember correctly. Something like the 'Slytherin Sex God'."
"Complete hype. Zabini, Goyle, and Crabbe began that rumor in 3rd year because I was dating a 5th year. In reality she pretty much had her way with me in the prefect's bathroom and I was nearly scarred. Later Pansy took advantage of the reputation and blew it out of proportion. There were only a few girls I was ever with in school - including the virtual molestation."
"Uh huh."
"Great now you're 'uh huh' - ing me. What do you want to say? I had half the school? That was Pansy. Later years, between the upcoming war and everything, you could say I was off the market. Mother was the one who made the arrangement between Astoria and I. And that's pretty much what it was, an arrangement. What about you and Ronald? How did you two start out? I think there are about 30 versions of the story floating around."
"Only 30?" I question snarkily. "Every time Skeeter works us into a story, there is a new 'how they met' story along with it. But it was something that just happened. We were close before the war, I mean you know he was one of my best friends since first year. But living with him and Harry, we just became close. And then he kissed me in the middle of the actual battle. From there it progressed. We were expected. The Weasley's were my second family and I really felt that we were meant to be. It was comfortable, like an old worn in pair of jeans. But then we weren't. Somewhere we just stopped. Harry's still helping me figure out where and when we went wrong, but it was very early on."
"Tell me about your sleeping problems love. I want to know."
I sigh and lean back into him, not wanting to face him right at the beginning. It's not something I deal with still, but it haunts me to this day. He should know. He should be the person I can go to with problems like that. Ron should have been first, but he wasn't at his own choosing.
"It was after I finished that last year with Ginny, our eighth year. I was out of school, living on my own, I had a good job, and Ron. But Ron was here and there, always busy between work and helping coach Ginny. I didn't really see him that often, but I thought everything was good.
"Shortly after moving in by myself, I was getting nightmares. Bad ones. I was reliving everything from first year on. The battle was the worst. I saw everyone's eyes - living or dead. It didn't matter, they all had the same dead eyes in my nightmares. The worst were the ones that are still here - like Mrs Weasley and even Professor McGonagall. I saw their eyes blank and dead. I saw everyone around me dead. The Great Hall was full, and I was the only one left. There was nothing left of anything or anyone and all I could do was see their eyes.
"I saw the giants attacking, the spiders, the basilisk like it was still alive, Greyback, everything all over." I was cringing and I felt my eyes well up with tears again. Every time I talk about it, no matter how long it has been since they disappeared, I still feel like it was yesterday when I had them. "I felt like I had watched Harry die every night, and he never woke up.
"I finally gave up on sleeping. It was just too much for me to take. I was waking up every 15 minutes or so even if I did sleep, but I was more tired and stressed. I would scream, fight, I blew up a couple of pieces of furniture in my sleep. It was bad." I my hands start shaking slightly, and the only reason I notice is because Draco took ahold of them and held them in his. "So I just slowly stopped sleeping. I can't tell you exactly when I stopped, but I had just realized that I couldn't do it anymore.
"Then I was having problems staying awake. But I couldn't sleep, so I would drink lots of fizzy pops and coffee and anything else. I was introduced to this one Muggle drink - Jolt. That would keep anyone awake.
"But at some point that didn't help either. Every time I closed my eyes, still I would see somebody's face. It felt if I would blink I would lose it.
"In reality I was losing my grip on reality.
"I turned to other stimulants." My heart rate is increasing, just at the thought of it. Part of my body still craves these drugs and it shows every time I bring it up. "I found some diet pills that worked better than any coffee or even Jolt. I would take those daily just to function. When they would wear off, I paired them with coffee again and it had the same effect. Looking back, I was probably one step away from becoming a drug addict on speed or something.
"No one noticed these changes in me, probably because they were so slight and over about eighteen months or so. I finally bottomed out when I collapsed at work and Harry had to rush me to St. Mungo's.
"I wasn't eating. I couldn't tell the healers the last meal I ate, because I honestly didn't know. I wasn't sleeping. I couldn't tell them when I last slept, because I knew it was over a year - probably two years - before." Tears were flowing again, and it was like I didn't even notice. That was the norm when I thought back to those days; and each time I do, I wonder where all my strength really went. Who was this girl I became? All these years later, and I still feel ashamed. I take one last deep breath before I tell Draco the hardest sentence I will ever have to say: "I ended up being diagnosed with severe depression with suicidal tendencies.
"I had to learn to eat again. When I came into St Mungo's I was so tiny Harry said. He didn't even know how little I was weighing. But the lack of food was shutting down my body. I hadn't had a regular menstrual cycle, and if it weren't for the fact that Ron was away all the time, I would think I was pregnant because it had been months." Part of me worries what Draco will think if I say the next few words, but he needs to hear it. He needs to know. So with a deep breath of courage: "I was dying. I was killing myself very slowly.
"The first couple of days I was angry at Harry. I was angry at everyone. I didn't want to live. I didn't want to see their faces every night in my sleep. I wanted to give up." I can only hope not to be given up on now. "The healers poured potions down me involuntarily, so that I would sleep, but then the dreams came back.
"Harry wouldn't let me give up though. He came by first thing in the morning, bringing flowers and decaf coffee. And he came after work every day. On the weekends he never left my bedside. And he never told any of the Weasleys, which I am still grateful for.
"I spent a month and a half in the hospital. I had to gain some weight back. I had to work on eating. I had to regain a sleep pattern without the use of any potions. I had to talk about my fears, my nightmares, my experiences.
"By this time I wanted to kill someone. Me. Harry for bringing me to this place. The healers for putting me through hell again. Anybody. Somebody. I didn't care.
"But I learned to cope slowly." I finally can look him in the eye and he has yet to let go of my hands. I see pain in them, and I see support. "I learned to care and ultimately I thanked the healers and Harry for saving me. It was a hard time for me and Harry is still worried that something will trigger me to relapse and he'll lose me for good this time.
"So when I wasn't sleeping well, and it was starting to show in my nervousness; he got concerned. But..." I feel a new wave of warm tears falling down my cheek, as Draco tries to wipe them away. "Draco, know that I am not proud of this. You, Harry, and the healers that took care of me are the only ones that know everything. Ron never listened. He never came to the hospital. Please, don't let this out."
"Darling, I could never." He brought me into his chest and kissed my forehead over and over. "Please, let me know if you have anything like the nightmares. I know I still have them sometimes, but I was never as bad as that. Please, I want to be here for you. Always."
Those simple words, the idea that he will be here for me in the worst of times when my husband couldn't be there for the 'for better or worse' like we stated in our vows. This man, he's not my husband, but he will. There's a fundamental difference that should be the other way around, but at least now that Draco's in my life I will have that person.
The next big thing to talk about is what happened at his home. But that I will do another day.
Now all I can muster, is just close my tear filled eyes as I'm held by my person.
Hello again! Sorry for the utter depression/suicide issue, but she suffered from severe PTSD, which is devastating. I have seen too many good souls lost to this... I needed this 'filler' chapter for later on in the story.
I wanted to give a quick shout out to two loyal readers: Zincarla and @user69880009. Thank you both for the love and support.
A quick reminder - no updates next week. I found out some good news though, it will be a smaller cooking ordeal than I thought since we are down 2 people. So only 6 are coming and one is wanting KFC.
For those who celebrate - Happy Thanksgiving. For those who don't, remember to give thanks for all the little and large blessings in your life. This week's for me is that I turned a corner just before a fatal shooting took place on that corner. We luckily missed it by less than 5 minutes. It is those times when you know there is a reason for you to be here.
Blessings to all.