Unedited.
Chapter 19 - Pacify
Sorry didn't have the desired effect. Usually the word was enough to pacify people, or at least defuse a situation somewhat and this was the perfect time for it to work. That, or a bomb disposal squad to handle the tempers that were about to blow.
I fought in the pits of my self-loathing, trying to keep back the tide of pure emotional shite that had been collecting inside of me with no way of escaping. Keeping a secret had been rotting my insides and now that rot had been exposed for all of them to see.
While the others were struggling to comprehend what the feck was going on, Abner had settled on one feeling. One comfortable for him.
Anger.
"What did they do to you?" He snarled.
Nikki's tear-filled eyes flicked towards her partner, the corners of her normally smiling mouth curling down into a grimace. She settled a hand down on his arm softly.
"Abner, please..."
He shook her hand off in his rage, his neck a chord of muscle while red swept up his neck in a path of rage. "No! I want to know what the fuck has happened to my daughter!"
I managed a wane smile. 'Parental concern...so strange.' If this had been my mother, she would have scolded me for becoming so ugly, so deformed when I already had so little going for me. I cupped my elbows, locking my arms to my chest and watched them argue.
His tone had dropped, thankfully and he had pivoted towards Nikki as if trying to shield from me the fact that he was arguing with her. Her hand had settled on his arm again, holding that burn-scarred limb without disgust. She whispered something to him, eyes darting back and forth between the both of us.
It seemed to be a long moment before he gave a terse nod and turned back to me. I could see the lingering anger in his aged face, stuck in the crevices of frown lines and the hard set of his mouth.
"Do not apologise to us." The viciousness had seeped from his voice.
I barely had time to reach up and grab his wrists in panic before he was clumsily brushing the tears from my cheeks – like I had just scrapped a knee after falling off my bike. It made my smile flicker, and I wondered if my father still thought of me as the tiny child he remembered before fire had destroyed his life.
Eyes, just like mine, pitched while he looked over me. "You're not weak, so I do not want you to say it or even think it again."
I wanted to wholly believe in the authority of his tone. I wanted to trust in Abner's word like I had last year because he was my trainer and he knew things I didn't but now doubt lingered and was strengthened by memories of times that I could have done more and should have done more.
I had stood up to Amon and to Acheron many times, but there were other times when I cowered from a blow, or begged to be left alone, to be let free. I did stupid things - I wasn't a brave woman who stood defiant in the face of adversity. I wanted comfort and warmth; safety and joy. I was just a girl who was thrust into something dark and dangerous and that refused to let go of me.
I was always afraid and I hated myself for it.
"Life isn't like that, human." Nethore said solemnly. "Everybody gets afraid."
Abner pressed his thumb against my chin affectionately for a moment. "Let's get you inside and cleaned up. How does that sound?"
"You know I like anything involving the word 'clean'. You're already setting me up for agreement."
He gave a very brief warm smile. "Off you go then."
I knew what he was doing and what Nikki had calmed him down to do. He was angry, furious even but not at me. He was giving me an out from this and to come back to it when the shock wasn't as strong. We would have to talk about this, but he was giving me time.
I nodded at him before turning to Nethore.
"Will you be alright, Nethore?"
Great eyes of blue, sharp and intense, but remarkably cold now, stared down at me. Like Abner, his patience was hanging by a thread. I feared telling him the most because people could only imagine when I told them, but he would see the memories and feel everything. That would be so much worse for him.
"Later."
A promise.
He rose, extending long wings and I eased back as he took off, powerful back legs sinking into the ground before he pushed into the ground to soar up into the air. I kept my eyes on him, watching him circle the castle and sweep low over the maze again until he settled, finally, on the roof beside Turana.
He turned his solemn gaze towards the maze again. The bond was open, but he was hurt. By what had happened in the maze and knowing that I had kept much more from him than he had ever suspected.
I'm sorry, Ne.
Dem settled a hand on my shoulder, giving me a soft smile. We said nothing, but as I turned on my heel, I spotted a statue-stiff figure standing right at the entrance of the maze, staring hard at the gloom. Thick shoulders were banded tight, his chin held- high but I slowed when I saw what shone through in burning eyes of nephrite green.
Fear.
He didn't stir, didn't even flinch as Elser nudged his shoulder with a worried whine. That single eye flashed to us, and Elser's muzzle pulled back into a warning snarl before he shuffled closer to his frozen Rider, ears perked towards the maze, but his eye was riveted on us.
The other Ithrall Riders were waiting for us inside, completely clueless of what had unfolded, but honestly and equally worried for Jamie and I. Colette had enveloped Jamie in a hug once she entered, oblivious to Jamie's lack of love for affection but the girl rattled on, switching languages rapidly. Odette simply gave me a look, the meaning conveyed in the silent arch of her brow.
Are you alright?
I nodded and the young woman simply narrowed her eyes, before she told her sister to leave Jamie be. We padded along the empty halls and the silence seemed to echo on for the ages. Dem kept his hand on my shoulder, a comfort in his touch instead of a command.
"You don't need to stay with me, Dem." I blew out a sigh.
"We are not repeating what happened in Ashbourne." He said resolutely.
When we got to the room I was sleeping in, the mirrors in the en-suite were steamy. Someone had already drawn a bath and filled with what I guessed were relaxing oils. A jar of Tar had been left at the side of the bath, along with bandages and a fresh pair of clothes. Dem stopped in the middle of the room, rubbing a hand along the back of his neck.
This room was big. It had only four corners, but they were shadowed corners and I could feel eyes watching me, waiting. Paranoia was creating monsters in the dark. "Please stay close."
His expression softened. "Of course."
"Thanks Dem." I left the bathroom door open just a crack; I didn't mind Dem being in the next room while I showered. Just as I began to strip, the bond flared again, and a heavy body settled on the roof above my room, guarding the balcony entrance.
"Thanks Ne."
Long mirrors – a ridiculous amount for one bathroom, if you asked me – were mounted all around me. First, I wondered about how long it took to clean to remove every single smudge before I caught the panic still lingering in the knot of my brows. I smoothed it out, working on softening my face to reflect someone my age should be. Worry free. Safe.
My clothes were stained and covered in holes where fire had torn at it and where claws had hooked. I tossed them in the bin before hooking a leg over the rim of the bath. The cogs of my mind worked furiously, so much so that I expected smoke to billow out from my ears.
I had done it again. Emotion had built up so quickly inside of me, that it was unstoppable. My only comfort was that I hadn't done exactly what I had done in the mountain. If I had, all my friends would have been flesh bags of contorted bones and runaway blood.
I tossed the image from my mind, half successfully and downed a measured portion of Tar, my limbs spasming at how vile it tasted.
Then my mind turned to how Acheron and Amon had managed to sneak into the home of the illustrious Valacari family, especially after the long-lost prince had returned after decades of imprisonment. The dragons here would have been enough to scent them from miles off, but even a cluster of them had sensed nothing.
It was the same thing that happened at Ashbourne. Dem and Abner had hinted at the infamous Seal being involved; an organisation of witches and wizards who had moved to Lynch's side during the Great War.
Something cold gripped my chest tight. Something bigger was going on here – bigger than the cells. Bigger than Acheron and I.
"Dem?"
"Yes?" He hummed.
"What's wrong with me?"
Dem didn't answer for a moment, but I could hear the step of his boots softly on the carpet. I softly scrubbed the remnants of Amon's touch from my skin. All of it couldn't be stripped away; the dirt and rot ran far deeper and it made me feel off. I hated dirt.
"Are you talking about your...back, or what you did to the maze?"
I clambered out of the bed, shivering as goose-bumps rose up along my skin. The pacing in the bedroom stopped when the sound of water trickling down from my body into the bath rang out. "The maze."
I knotted a towel around me – it was one of those ridiculously long and fluffy ones that fell well below my knees. I brushed back my hair, pulling the loose pale strands into the world's tiniest pony-tail.
"You've done this before." Dem noted quietly. "When the boys were fighting - and when you sent Gabriel across the room."
I cracked the bathroom door open to peer out at him. "I did."
Denim blue eyes flashed towards me momentarily, before he gestured for me to go and get dressed. I eased into my clothes, careful not to brush against irritated skin. The secret was just bursting to get out – and I trusted Dem but I still didn't want him to hate me.
"I did it in the cells." I told him quietly as I left the bathroom. He was standing by the porch-doors, watching the thick smoke churning distantly in the sky. "It's how Hale and I escaped."
He turned towards me, the half-profile of his handsome face illuminated by the glowing light of the moon. "You can tell me."
Death had been nothing there, but even Hale had been shocked at the amount of people I had killed in one go.
"They had Vidalin scales in a bag. Collected maybe from Ashbourne, or relics but I thought that they had killed Nethore." I made myself look at him. "I was so angry, Dem. Like I could burn Valaxia to the ground and anyone who got in my way just to find those who had killed Ne. It was only a moment of energy, but when the dust settled, and I opened my eyes, everyone in the room was dead. Except Hale."
I gave a humourless laugh. "No broken bones of his managed to pierce through his heart. When we got to the pens, there were bodies in there too. Some people had survived. Only some."
The troubled look on Dem's face made my insides sink, like an anchor powering straight for the sea-bed. "You haven't even hit the Change yet."
"Does that matter?"
Dem held out his hand, his fingers unfurling. A single perfect ball of water, churning and living hovered above his palm, half and inch from his Rider's mark. "Cassare Riders have an infinity for water. I could only begin this after I began the Change."
"How come I wasn't told about this?"
"Because you haven't gone through the Change." Dem closed his fist and that globe of water disappeared. "The Change signals...well, change. Your body gets stronger, your senses keener and the bond between your dragon while become finalised. I mean, its solid before the change, but its ...purer after. I can't explain it. Riders gain infinities – nothing like the magic witches wield."
"So, you're water?"
"...Yes. I don't think I have time to explain it exactly. Since his Change, Gabriel's temper is shorter. More inflammatory. Peter has become cool. Unmoveable." He was visibly frustrated and I fought a sudden smile. Nothing irritated him quicker than something he couldn't figure out - and yet, he loved for puzzles.
" His is earth. Which is strange, considering Beau is of the Yesan breed and they're commonly associated with air infinities." Dem got that little 'new theory knot' between his brows. "I think that maybe in Beau had a strong Dreliv ancestor. If I could just convince Beau and Terra to let me take a sample from them, I could match their ...."
"You know you lost me at Yesan breed. He's silver..."
"Neely," Dem whined. "He's Yesan."
"Alright Dem." I pressed my fingers into the outer corners of my eyes, blowing out a long sigh. "Will you help me figure this out?"
He smiled, slow and lazy; one that was all teeth and confidence. "I would never deny myself the opportunity to learn and impose that knowledge on others. Now come on – if there's anything I've learned from you, it's that a strong mug of tea can fix almost anything."
∑
Dem was right about me being right. A mug of tea could fix almost anything. It was the first thing offered when visitors came around, drank on warm and cold days and the panic when the teabags or milk ran out could dismantle the flow of an entire household.
But even miraculous tea couldn't fix this.
There was one soul that had to be told everything before the others. It was only right, especially now that everything was out in the open. After a calming mug of tea, and treats stolen naturally by Peter, I had indulged on them before going out in search of Nethore.
The good thing about living in a castle was that the gardens were massive and even though the smouldering maze was something to be awed at, there were other expansive nooks and crannies where beauty unfolded in beautiful and rare flowers whose colours were so brilliant that my search was hindered.
No paint could replicate nature's colours, no matter how much I mixed. It would come close, but never perfect enough. How these flowers survived so late was a mystery, but I'd put that down to magic.
I would have to answer the Queen's questions later – an emergency meeting had been called, with a close friend of the Valacari family coming in to consult with the royals about what had happened, and I was requested to be there. Fun.
I found him at the lapping edges of the lake. It was a small one; I could easily swim to the other side. The evening's light was fast fading to darkness, shadowy strokes of night reaching across the mirror-still surface of the lake. Ancient tress loomed over the shore from the safety of harder, more secure earth. Their rough bark had been stripped clean by the careless need to satisfy a scaly scratch.
The birds who had gone silent when Acheron had appeared so suddenly were now chirping merrily from the safety of their perches, while a low and thick fog rolled in. It coiled around Nethore's forlorn figure lying by the lake-side, while massive eyes tracked the dark surface.
He knew I was coming the second I decided to go and search for him, but he simply stayed still, watching the water like they did months ago, when he was one of only two secrets, and he lived in the safety of the Blood-Nest. Nethore would watch and wait for hours – a stark contrast to his old abrupt and almost impatient manner with me.
A long ear swept up towards me when I shucked off my boots and socks, curling my bare toes into the sand. I approached him silently, letting the bond open painfully wide. Large eyes flickered up towards me momentarily as I sat down beside him, tucking my legs to my chest.
"Human."
"Nethore."
The water in the lake rippled as fish darted across the surface. It was peaceful; everything was calm – but I could feel the turmoil coming like clouds of emotion broiling in the distance. There was nothing to be said. Nethore was hurt. I was ashamed and guilty.
So, I let the bond open completely – felt his tentative, terrified need to know. I couldn't see exactly what he saw. I just felt him in my mind, the smooth touch of his presence flipping through memories like pages in a picture book.
The tentative, fearful curiosity sparked with shocked, furious embers and lit into an inferno as he moved faster, his presence in my skull pulsing with rage. I saw glimpses of my memories, reflected through him. Tainted by time and my own emotions. Dark, suffocating walls. Whipping poles. Horrible crushing fear and loneliness.
How utterly I had missed him.
And in return, I saw his struggles. It wasn't whipping poles or starvation, but it was a self-loathing for not being able to do what a dragon should; protect his Rider. When the demons attacked Ashbourne, they had gorged on what animals they could find and decimated half of the Pegusi herd that had cared for Nethore when he was a hatchling and had taught him how to fly. In turn, he had protected them as well as he could before moving on to become my dragon.
And how utterly he had missed me.
"What are we going to do, Ne? There's so much wrong."
Nethore shifted, curling his massive body around me like a giant scaled furnace. "We'll figure this out, human. We have to."
∑
Yes, I was late. You can blame the terrible internet in the Irish countryside, but really I should have accounted for that since I've known what the internet in winter is like for however long I've been addicted to this bottom-less pit for.
Anyway - a slow chapter. Like magma churning under the earth's surface, sliding up through cracks in the earth and...boom.
Tell me what you thought - but please, no spoilers. There are still some of us who are reading this for the first time. Ye can gush and theorise together, but if I see a spoiler, I'll be mad - ish. I'm usually too lazy to get really mad, but 'BE WARNED'
I'm making this sound like the book is v-popular and its not but I still want those who do read it to enjoy it.
Grand, so...
Until next time - Saoigreen.