Chapter Five (Rylan's POV)
Why did he have to ask that?
I hated it when people asked stupid things! And with that look on his face like I had just shattered every dream he'd had... I felt like some kind of villian out of a cheap Spanish soap opera and it made my stomach clench so tightly, I felt like I was going to puke.
I couldn't be around him right now. Or anyone else.
I just wanted to be alone.
When you were alone, no one could hurt you. No one could use you. You didn't have to worry about being betrayed or abandoned.
You only had yourself.
The only one in the world you could trust.
That's what I've been telling myself for years and it had gotten me through life pretty swiftly. I tried hard not to get attached to Aidan or Raven or my adoptive parents, not even Cal was on the list of people I was attached to.
At least, that's what I had been trying for. The moment Cal hit puberty and he could become human, I felt like he'd just set up a battlefront at the gates of the wall I had worked so hard to build. It was built on distrust, suspicion, anger, hatred, and strength. All of it bundled together in stones that I was sure no one could penetrate.
All it took was one blue-eyed, innocent look from Cal and the first stone fell.
He confessed his feelings for me and down came another. When Scythe informed us of our being mates, another stone followed the first two. One by one, they began to crumble and fall down on top of me.
And I hated it.
Who did he think he was?
My mate, duh, I thought bitterly at myself as I bolted through the woods, just running around the borders to exercise and cool off. I had almost slapped Cal when I realized the thoughts running through my brain.
Hit Cal?
I couldn't do it. Not when he was looking at me like that.
I tried to stay rough, tried to stay strict and merciless, but when it came to Cal, I couldn't do it. I took it out on him during sex because the adrenaline of it all was controlling me and mixing that with anger led to the pain.
It didn't help that he kept reminding me of it.
I know I was hurting him.
I know it was wrong.
Don't get attached, I told myself, but it was too late.
Cal was latched onto me like a leech and he wasn't letting go any time soon. Or so it seemed.
But Cal wasn't special.
He was like everyone else.
He'd suck the blood right out of me until he realized I was unlovable, then he'd take off. It was just the way things went. I didn't like that outcome, it was why I tried to stop the attachment in the first place, but I had stupidly let it happen.
Now, I didn't want to let him go. I had to fight to urge to grab him and never let go. Fight the urge to cradle him. Part of me longed so much to do what a normal couple would do. I wanted to know everything about Cal. His favorite color, favorite food, all of his hobbies and thoughts. I wanted to take him out to eat. I wanted to buy him gifts. I wanted to lavish him with all of my attention.
But the rational part of me knew that it would only make my grave deeper. I would be signing my own death warrant by caving into all those wants.
I couldn't let Cal get past whatever was left of my wall.
If I did, he'd only crush me, just like everyone else.
I slowed to a trot as I neared the house again, peering past the trees at the house. They probably already finished dinner by now. I knew Cal was upset with me. He'd try to talk to me again, rip another stone off the wall, but I wasn't going to let him.
I'd have to ignore him now.
I was in the danger zone.
I'd slipped up almost three times today. Cal saw the openings and he was trying to get inside, but I wasn't going to let him. It would kill me.
My soul died once.
It wasn't going to die again.
I kept that in mind as I changed into a human and slipped in through the front door, heading upstairs. I started to head to my room, but slowed to a stop when I heard Cal's voice. I frowned and tilted my head, pressing myself against the wall near the door.
I wasn't normally an eavesdropper, but when it came to Cal, I had to know. I had to know what he was planning next. Whether he was going to flat out leave me or attack me again.
"It's just not fair," Cal was saying, sounding so heartbroken it made my chest ache involuntarily, "I love him, Aidan. I really honestly do, but he won't let me. I asked him earlier if he loved me back, but he didn't answer me. I don't think we're mates, Aidan. I really don't and if we are, it's one-sided. Rylan only feeds on me for strength and that's it."
"Don't say that," Aidan tried, the sound of his footsteps moving away from the doorway, "He... He's just rough around the edges. Raven... tried to explain to me that Rylan's just scared of losing you."
"He has a crappy way of showing it." Cal managed. I swore I heard the tears in his voice and I winced as if he had kicked me. I sank low to the floor, crouching and pressing my hand over my forehead, my other resting on my knee as I listened.
"Did you try talking to him?" Aidan asked.
"Yea, but it doesn't last long. For a second, I think I have his attention and honesty, then he suddenly freaks out on me and takes off. It's like he thinks he's weak by doing so." Cal explained painfully. He hit the nail on the head, I thought bitterly.
I was smart in my methods.
I was weak when I opened myself up to people. Why the fuck do you think I built the wall in the first place?
"Maybe he's bipolar." Aidan suggested. I heard Cal give a half-hearted laugh and I rolled my eyes, then paused to stare down the hallway with a scowl. I wasn't bipolar. I was just cautious, unlike everyone else.
Well, at least, I tried to be. It was hard being the bad guy.
Like the saying goes, "nice guys finish last".
I stood up as they continued talking, then pretended that I had just gotten there and walked in. Aidan almost leapt through the room when he saw me walk in, stark naked. He bleghed.
"Eugh! Where are you clothes? Don't flaunt your dong!" He complained, covering his eyes and looking at Cal from behind them. Cal gave him an obviously fake smile, then got up and went to the wardrobe, fetching me my clothes. Aidan got off the bed, still shielding his eyes.
"Nice talkin' with you, Cal. Good luck." He snorted.
"Hope Skye feels better." Cal called back and Aidan said his thanks before vanishing out the door, speeding down the hallway to his room. My eyes followed him for a second before I turned back to Cal, who handed me my clothes all folded up.
He wasn't looking at me.
He was avoiding my eyes, looking down at the clothes. I frowned, taking them from him and using my foot to shut the door before I locked it. I dropped my clothes on the bed, studying them for a moment before looking at Cal, who was looking through the wardrobe.
"I want to bathe." I stated. Cal blinked, then looked up with a frown.
"So take one."
"I want you to take one with me." I responded. Cal looked peeved now.
"What're you gonna do? Wash my back, then drown me?" He asked. I glared at him. I wish he'd stop getting so mad at me. Why couldn't he see that life wasn't just puppies and daises everywhere? No one could be trusted and the fact that he trusted me so easily, pissed me off. Was he really that innocent, even after everything we'd done together?
"I was just asking." I snapped, snatching a towel out of the wardrobe behind him and heading for the bathroom. I ignored his scowl and slammed the door shut behind me as I filled the large tub full of hot water. I listened to it pour in, my eyes closed tightly.
I felt my muscles twitching and my sneer slowly fading. I took a deep breathes, then turned the water off and stepped in. As soon as I did, Cal peeked in.
"What?" I demanded, settling in the hot water comfortably, watching the steam roll off of it. Cal shifted uneasily for a second, then opened the door all the way to reveal he was naked and holding a plush green towel.
Yea, I was hard.
And I hated myself for it.
Cal was gorgeous.
Everything about him was beautiful and it wasn't fair. His hair was a darker shade of brown than Aidan's while his eyes were blue, not green. Despite the fact that his face was shaped like Aidan's, he was beautiful and Aidan was just... Aidan. Something about Cal made me ache and I really wish it wouldn't.
I felt another stone sail off my wall and hit me straight in the head as Cal shut the door behind him, setting his towel on top of mine. He didn't look at me, kept this smug look on his face before he stepped in the tub with me. He settled in front of me, his legs on either side of my waist and my legs underneath.
He was staring at me now, tiredly.
"Rylan. Where did you go?" He asked. I frowned.
"Nowhere."
"You didn't eat dinner."
"Not hungry."
"Are you sure--"
"Positive. Totally, positively fine." I interrupted sharply, glaring at him for a second, but it was too hard. Cal's cheeks were flushed from the heat of the tub and he looked just exhausted from arguing earlier. The guilt came crashing down on me in the form of another stone and I hated it all.
Except Cal.
Because no matter what I did, I couldn't hate the person breaking down my barrier.
In fact, I was starting to hate my barrier. Maybe I could trust Cal. He was my mate after all; the Goddess had chosen us to be together. Surely She wouldn't put me with a backstabber, a smiley face with no soul, another person who would abandon me. Even if Cal abandoned me, and we really were mates, we would both suffer the loss.
Depression, starvation, sapped energy.
Overall misery.
"Let me wash you." Cal said quietly. I didn't argue, just sat there as he grabbed a poof thingy and smeared soap on it, the heavy musky scent of sandalwood piercing the air. I stayed silent and didn't move as Cal started to soap my arms and torso. I watched him intently as he ran thick, soapy trails across my skin.
Cal wasn't trying to hurt me. He hadn't done anything to hurt me.
I was just suspicious.
The way he threatened to leave, he was just angry with me, right? He wouldn't actually leave me alone. He wouldn't be able to. And, his talking with Kasper was just Kasper's fault. I knew Cal wasn't interested. Their positions in a relationship just wouldn't fit.
At the same time, it worried me.
If Cal wanted to get away from me bad enough, he'd do both those things. He'd probably leave with Kyler and Remi, or Kasper and his masters. Thinking about it was making my panic levels rise and I could feel my heart pounding in my throat.
I was cruel, I was mean. Of course Cal would leave me.
Even if I cleaned up my act, there was still the possibility of him leaving me.
Either way, I was screwed.
Nothing I did would keep someone beside me forever.
Nice, bad. Cruel, merciful. Smiles, frowns. Punches, kisses.
I was always alone in the end.
"Rylan." Cal's soft voice ripped through my thoughts like a paper shredder and I felt my muscles immediately go taut, my fists clenching on my knees. Cal was still sitting there, watching me and holding the soapy poof against my shin.
"What?" I demanded coldly. He looked hurt by my tone of voice.
"You looked like you were thinking about something." He answered.
"Exactly. Thinking, not sharing." I responded sharply. Cal let the soapy poof slide off into the water and I was stunned as a thick layer of tears welled in his eyes, but his teeth were gritted before he choked.
"What am I doing that's so wrong? What did I do, Rylan? Please, tell me. Whatever it is, I'm sorry," His voice was trembling and a thin stream of tears broke free past his lashes down his cheek, "I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to make you mad or make you hate me. Please tell me what I can do to make you happy. I'm so tired of hurting you and not knowing what it is that's hurting you. Please, Rylan, just tell me what to do, because I don't know what to do."
I felt like someone had just punched their fist through my chest.
Cal just sat there and cried, the tears streaming down his face and falling into the bath water with gentle little plips. I held my breath as he stifled a sob with gritted teeth. I didn't know what to say.
He was crying because of me.
I hurt him worse.
This wasn't just me making him bleed when we had sex. This wasn't another whimper cry thing he did during sex.
He was falling apart.
And it was all my fault.
This whole time I had been worried, fretting that I might break into pieces because of him. When it was really him slowly crumbling. The last stone in his wall had fallen and it took mine down with it.
I couldn't stop myself.
I reached out and took him into my arms, pulling him close and holding him tightly. His entire body was shaking, even his soul seemed to quiver as I buried my face against his neck. I felt my throat close up and something burn behind my eyes, but I refused to let myself cry.
I may have lost the wall I worked so hard to build, but I wasn't about to let myself hit the ground.
The wall may not be standing, but I was and right now, I had to help Cal stand up again.
"Cal, I'm sorry," I breathed, stunned with how sincere I sounded in person as I did in my mind, "I'm so sorry. Please, don't cry. Please. You didn't do anything wrong. You couldn't possibly. You're perfect and that's what scares me."
The confession came out by accident and saying it made me freeze.
Twenty years of keeping it hidden away and it was finally out, floating in the air around us like an eternal echo before Cal pulled back a little to look at me in confusion.
"I don't understand." He sniffed. I used my thumbs to wipe the tears away from his eyes. I bit into my lip, studying his face.
I had to do this.
I'd already set the coffin in my grave, might as well sit in it.
"You're going to abandon me. You're going to get tired of me. You're going to find someone else. You're going to die on me. I'm going to wake up one day and you won't be there to say good morning." I managed. Cal blinked, staring at me in pained disbelief.
"Rylan, why would you think that?"
"Because it always happens." I seethed past clenched teeth. Cal reached up, placing his hands over mine, then reaching out to take my face in his hands.
"But I won't do that," Cal managed, "Even though you've been so mean to me all this time, even though I put up with all your crap, I'm still here, aren't I? I won't get tired of you, Rylan, because you're so unpredictable. You're so lively. I will never want anyone else. I won't let myself die unless your hand is holding mine and I know we're going together. I'll be there to try and wake you up, even though you're the heaviest sleeper I've ever met. Because I love you, Rylan. I love you more than anything in this world."
I felt my breath hitch as Cal leaned in, kissing me gently on the lips, then hugging me close. I rested my head against his shoulder, staring at nothing in particular.
He was right.
I'd been so cruel, so mean, so nasty.
Yet, despite it all, he was still there.
I was just scared.
Everyone else had left me.
My parents died on me, didn't even bother fighting to see me. The one who gave birth to me just let himself die right there in front of me. I couldn't even remember what he looked like, just that he died knowing he was free. My other father took his own life. He couldn't live without his mate and his pups weren't enough.
I didn't even know my siblings. They died so quickly that I didn't even have the chance to know them.
My friends in the nursery also died. The only one who remained was Raven.
How could I trust anyone if they kept leaving me? They died on me. They left me. They didn't care.
Except Cal.
Cal was here. Cal said he wasn't leaving me. Cal said he cared.
I wanted to believe him, I wanted to trust him. I did. A part of me was scared, but a part of me wanted to test the waters.
I hugged Cal back at last, tightly and held him close to my heart where he belonged.
"I love you too, Cal." I breathed and Cal sighed in bliss, cradling me against him. It was my job to make Cal safe, but he wasn't scared. Cal was never scared.
Not like me.
I was a coward.
And the only place I felt safe was in Cal's arms.