it's about to get really intense. like really intense.
there is a trigger warning near the end, I will denote it with bolded words.
I would like to apologize in advance for what's going to happen.
Summary: The one with the slip up
TWENTY-SIX
October and November passed quickly, and the bitter cold of winter set in. While world outside was slowly dying and giving way to the harsh winter weather, Violet and I were flourishing. I felt the happiest I had been in a long time. The threat of Violet leaving hadn't crossed my mind in a long time, and for that I was thankful. I spent more time staying in the present with her than worrying about when she could potentially leave me. The past couple months, even though they were filled with stress from academic work, have been bliss. We hadn't talked about labels on what we were, but I knew we were together.
At school, we walked hand-in-hand. She sat with my friends and I during lunch. We walked each other to class and kissed before parting ways. By all definitions, we were a couple. But, it was never something we felt the need to discuss. I was happy, and I believed she was too. So, as we sat across from each other in The Lost Book Shop, I felt an overwhelming feeling stir within me. She was just sitting there, her fiery hair braided over her shoulder showing the features of her face clearly. The freckles that littered her face were fading as the weather got colder and the sun disappeared behind the everlasting grey sky. Her green eyes stayed vibrant, much like her hair, in this dull monochrome world. She was the one pocket of color that I looked forward to seeing everyday.
"What?" Violet tilted her head to the side in question, a ghost of a smile on her lips.
"Nothing," I responded, a grin spread across my face.
"You've been staring at me for the past ten minutes, Em."
"Are you saying I can't admire your beauty?"
"No," She laughed, shaking her head at my antics. "I just wanted to know what you were thinking." I stared at her taking in all that was in front of me, and all that we have experienced together. She was a work in progress, and so was I, but we were working together. She filled my previously mediocre days with a bright light that consumed my whole being. For the past couple weeks, I have felt an overwhelming wave of warmth that crashed through my body whenever I thought of her.
"I was thinking that you are so beautiful," I started. The bell above the entrance door chimed signalling a customer walked in. "And that I have been so indescribably happy with you these past couple months. I never would have thought we'd be here now considering how closed off you used to be with me. Yet, here I am, completely falling in love with you." Violet's eyes went wide and I realized what had just slipped out of my mouth. I cringed. She looked petrified, as if she was too afraid to move or speak. I felt my heart break just a little at the sight before me. No longer was the red head joking or laughing. There wasn't a glint of humor in her eyes or even a tiny smile on her face. No. It was pure shock. Horror. Fear.
"Thank you," A deep voice behind us said followed by the sound of the cashier closing the register. Heavy footsteps faded as they presumably moved toward the door. The bell chimed with the person's exit.
"Violet, please...say something," I pleaded, her silence having gone on for far too long. Her expression shifted from terrified to stoic. My heart sank. "Please, don't." I begged knowing full well that I pushed her too far. "I didn't...It just slipped out, I'm sorry. Just, please, don't retreat from me, Vi." It had been so long since I had seen this side of Violet. We had gone weeks without her retreating, and it was foolish of me to think that it would never happen again.
"I have to go," Violet said abruptly standing. Her chair clattered to the ground causing people around us to stare.
"You don't have to," I muttered helplessly. She was going to run regardless of what I said - it was written plainly in her tormented green eyes. The ones that had been shining so brightly a few moments ago. The ones that had gazed at me so softly. "We can forget it happened. We can just pretend." My voice was breaking, every part of me was aching as I watched her slowly shake her head dismissing the idea as a whole.
"I can't, I'm sorry, I need space," She was gone before I could even stop her. The bell above the door swung slowly without making a sound. I wanted to believe her; to believe that she would undoubtedly come back to me. But, so often had she done this, I knew better than to hope.
***
Three days.
I thought the first was painful.
The Second was worse.
By the third, I wasn't hurt as much as I was pissed off. The singular four letter word royally messed this up for me. I couldn't help but think in those three days about what would it be like if I had never let that word roll off my tongue. Would Violet still be here? Would we still be happy? I made the decision that after work, I was going to Violet's house to talk to her. Three days is three too long without having a conversation about this.
I had woken up that morning to the sound of Charlie storming up the stairs and slamming her door, our mother calling after her, reprimanding her for supposedly failing a couple tests. I wasn't sure what was more shocking: Charlie failing not just one test, but a couple, or our mother being home on a Saturday morning. Normally, she was long gone, saving the lives of strangers.
When I went downstairs, I was prepared to have a conversation with my mother, only to find that was nowhere to be found. Which I was thankful for, I wanted nothing to do with family drama today.
A short while later I ended up at Barks N' Recreation's. Most of the PODS were empty due to the lowered holiday adoption fees that Mrs. Briggs offers at the beginning of November. She always wanted to clear out the PODS in hopes of getting the dogs homes for the holidays. It worked, at least in the two holiday seasons - now three - that I had been here. There wasn't much for me to do at work now other than keep things tidy and reorganize the storage rooms.
Mrs. Briggs had cut back on the part-time staffs hours due to the lack of animals and work to be done. So it was no surprise that Violet wasn't here today. Since Violet started at Barks N' Recreation's, there was rarely a shift we didn't work together. It felt odd to be there without her. There was no laughter or broody presence beside me that I had grown so used to. I was left with my thoughts and the silence of the empty space surrounding me
My body went to autopilot. I counted how many of each item we had, jotted it down, rearranged them on the shelves, and moved onto the next. For what felt like hours, I continued the same monotonous task. My mind swirling with thoughts of Violet while simultaneously kicking myself for letting that dreaded "L" word slip out. The word had taken even me by surprise. It wasn't until the aftertaste of the word was lingering on my tongue did I realize it was true. I was falling hopelessly in love with Violet. Despite her brooding and her stoney nature, there was a beautiful, kind, and sensitive girl under that mask she so often wore. There was so much more to her than she was willing to let other people see, and I felt honored to be apart of that select few. She trusted me, and I, her. In the short time I had known her, I knew she was special. And in the even shorter time that I had considered us to be together, I knew we could have something incredible, if she would just let me in more; if I could just know the whole truth.
"If you hold that box of treats any tighter you're going to break the box," A sassy voice spoke from behind me. And, even though it didn't sound anything like her, for a split second, I thought it was Violet. I spun around so fast I got light headed only to come face to face with a smirking blonde.
"Oh, it's just you, Eliza."
"Wow, don't sound too disappointed, Emery," She rolled her eyes before snagging the box of treats out of my hands and placing them onto the shelf along with the others. "Why are you hiding away in the storage closet?"
"There's nothing else to do," I shrugged turning back to organizing and taking inventory of the items we have. Eliza stepped in front of me. "Move, Eliza"
"What are you doing, Em?"
"My job, what does it look like I'm doing?" I snapped.
"It seems like you're taking your frustrations out on me," Eliza pointed out. I rolled my eyes and sidestepped her and continued to do my job.
"I'd appreciate it if you stopped pretending like you know me so well," I said to her as I counted the treat boxes we had. "We had sex once, that doesn't mean you know me."
"You're right," Eliza said. "But, I do know you. You wear your emotions on your sleeves, Emery. You're not some complex puzzle. As much as you want to be some huge mystery that no one can solve, you aren't. Stop trying to pretend like you're fine all the time and talk to someone." I calmly jotted down the count before turning toward Eliza.
"What makes you think that I'm pretending?"
"Because, I have seen how happy you have been recently," Eliza said stepping closer toward me. "You and Violet have been attached at the hip at work, and don't think I haven't noticed you two sneaking off all the time. But, out of the blue, you're suddenly hiding away and retreating into yourself? Even before Violet, that was uncharacteristic of you." I flinched thinking about Violet. "I just wanted to check on you, that's what friends do, Emmie."
"Well, I appreciate that, but I'm fine," I stated monotonously. She regarded me carefully, taking in every inch of my face. "Stop looking at me like that."
"Like what?"
"Like you're waiting for me to fall apart, because I'm not, Eliza. I already told you I'm fine."
"Is that why you're gripping that clipboard with white knuckles? I don't think Mrs. Briggs would be too happy if you broke that," Eliza moved closer to me and pried the clipboard from my hands. "What's wrong, Emmie?" I sighed heavily and massaged my temples anxiously. My mind was telling me to keep my mouth shut, that it was between Violet and I and no one else. But my mouth disobeyed and the words came spewing out faster than I could stop them. Everything I've felt and experienced with Violet to the moment she left me in the book store.
"I didn't mean to say it, I think a part of me knew that if I did it would be too much for her to handle," I confessed quietly as we sat with our backs against the stone wall of the storage room.
"Because she doesn't do attachments?" I nodded solemnly. "Is it worth it then, Emmie? I mean, you said yourself that she is always leaving you, and she is constantly moving too. Do you really want to fall in love with someone who could one day just vanish from your life?"
"I already am falling in love with her," I said nervously running my fingers through my hair. "It wasn't intentional, I didn't expect it to happen, but it did, and I can't take it back now that I've said it. I love her, Eliza. I just don't think she feels the same."
"You'll never know until you ask her."
"Trust me, you should have seen her face. I seriously thought she was going to vomit when I said it," I shook my head incredulously, a bitter chuckle slipped out of my mouth. My brain was unable to fully comprehend why she would react that way, I really believed that we were on the same page in their relationship. I may not have said that I loved her intentionally, but no part of me would have guessed that she would react so negatively. Maybe Violet wouldn't have said it back, but I didn't think she would leave me there like that. "I am so sick of playing this game with her, Eliza. I thought she was past running away from me - from her problems."
"I think you need to go talk to her right now, you can't let this go on anymore," Eliza faced me seriously. "Go. Forget about work. Go to her, Emery."
"What if it's useless?"
"Then you know, and you don't have to question it anymore," She stood up and I followed suit.
"You're right," I nodded in determination before bolting out the door, once again, going to find Violet.
***
When I pulled up to Violet's house, she was running around the front yard with her little brother. They were both laughing happily, toothy grins taking up their faces. I was struck by how carefree she looked in that moment. My chest ached knowing that she wasn't nearly as broken up about what happened as I was. Anger boiled up inside me as I climbed out of my car slamming the door shut. Violet's head shot up at the noise and panic filled those green orbs. I stood on the sidewalk in front of her house and watched as she leaned down to talk to Tyler. He nodded and ran inside and shut the door. Slowly, Violet approached me, staying on the other side of the fence of her yard.
"Em," She said softly her hand outstretching to me.
"Oh please, don't act all sweet with me, Violet," I scowled.
"What do you mean?" She replied.
"You know exactly what. You can't keep leaving me and expecting it to be fine when you come back."
"I wasn't expecting that," She answered quietly.
"Then what did you want to happen? I told you I loved you and you just left me there. I haven't heard from you in days, where have you been?" I demanded, my temper rising. Violet's expression rapidly changed from warm and soft to cold as ice.
"We're not dating, Emery, you don't have to constantly know where I am," She snapped immediately, every word felt like a knife through my chest.
"Then what do you consider the past couple months, Violet? Has the time we spent together meant so little to you that you can't even call it dating?" I stepped toward her willing her to talk to me, to tell me what was really going on. She stayed silent for a moment, those green eyes that used to look at me with so many emotions now stared at me completely void. My heart was aching and my mind was filled with many horrible outcomes that could ensue. Yet, still, I was hoping against all better judgement, against the bad feeling in my gut, against all signs that were pointing toward disaster, that Violet would take it all back.
"You're not my girlfriend, Emery. I don't know what you thought was going on between us, but it was nothing but fun for me," She said bluntly.
"You're lying," I whispered in disbelief, tears threatening to spill. For the second time this year, I felt betrayed by someone I loved.
"I told you, I don't do attachments, you should have known better."
"Liar!" I screamed, my voice cracking. "You promised me! You promised you were going to be open and honest with me! This is such bullshit, Violet! What changed?" She stood there looking at me without even a hint of emotion.
"Nothing's changed. I didn't want a relationship before, and I don't want one now, I'm not sure where you got any other ideas," She shrugged nonchalantly as if this conversation was unnecessary and pointless.
"Are you serious right now?" I growled. "You know where I got the idea from, Violet? I got it from the countless hours we've spent together cuddling on my bed. Or the numerous kisses we shared both in and out of school. Or the handful of dates we've gone on, and don't even try telling me those weren't dates, because you know damn well that they were. Or, how about when we had sex and you told me you had never been happier? Are you really trying to tell me that all meant nothing, that it was all a lie?"
"I'm not, I don't love you, Emery. I don't feel anything for you," She responded calmly. "You were just something to keep me preoccupied. I didn't think you'd be foolish enough to fall in love with me." A cruel laugh tumbled from the very lips I had dreamt about every night. I felt like I was in a nightmare; as if at any moment, I would wake up and things would be normal again. I wanted to turn back time and erase Violet from my life; to tell my past self that she wasn't worth all the trouble I went through.
"Screw you," I spat at her, venom lacing each syllable. "I never want to see you again." We stared at each other; Violet, statuesque and cold; Me, stormy and disastrous. I should have known better than to get involved with a girl who didn't want anything to do with people. I thought I could be the exception to her one rule, but I was dead wrong. Before Violet could say anything else and break me even further, I left. I got in my car and I drove off. As I got further away, I dared a glance in the rearview mirror and I could still see Violet standing in her front yard. A bitter laugh bubbled up at the thought that, for the first time since we met, I'm the one leaving her behind.
My music blared through the speakers angrily begging to be heard. With every mile that I put between us my heart weighed heavier. My mind kept bringing me back to her standing there stoically. That was what bothered me most; that she could turn her emotions off like that and become so apathetic. The happiness I experienced mere days ago was gone, and I was left standing amongst a sea of pain and misery. Just as the singer in the song screamed, as did I.
I trusted her. I believed she could have loved me. I wanted nothing more than to be with her, but she wanted nothing to do with me. I really should've known better. She was cold and distant in the beginning, and I'm not sure when I stopped seeing that she still was.
My vision blurred as I drove through town. I kept wiping at my face trying to rid my eyes of tears, but it didn't work. Trails of tears poured down my face as each moment I had spent with Violet flashed through my mind. I was a fool to think she could have felt for me what I did for her. She was quite the actress; I never even had a clue. What kind of sick and twisted person played with someone feelings like that? I didn't have an inkling of an idea.
By the time I pulled into my driveway, my anger had simmered to a dull frustration and an aching in my chest. My body was on autopilot as I made my way into the house. I dropped my work bag by the front door and closed the door behind me. The empty feeling that had settled into my chest was weighing on me. I didn't want to be alone. It hurt too much. So, as I went upstairs, I made the decision to go talk to Charlie like I had been meaning to. She had become an apparition in the house. Rarely ever did I see her and, when I did, she immediately disappeared. I knew she was struggling with something, and I was too. It seemed like the perfect time to be there for each other.
Trigger warning: skip to the bottom
I knocked on Charlie's door. No answer. I knocked again, but a little louder. Still nothing. I knew she was home, she never went anywhere. Truthfully, I didn't think she had even gone to work in weeks. I forgoed the knock this time and pushed into her room instead. Immediately, I knew something was wrong. While her room had recently been a mess, it was something entirely different.
The body length mirror next to the door was shattered, pieces of glass littered the floor. Her textbooks and notebooks were lying haphazardly on the floor with pages ripped out and crumpled up by the trashcan. In the far corner of the room, her lamp lit up the desk which had nothing on it except a singular piece of paper with words written on it. I stepped carefully into the room trying to figure out where Charlie was. Scanning the room slowly, I saw little white pills scattered across the floor near the bathroom we share. Gingerly, I moved toward the bathroom, following the trail of pills. A scream ripped out of my body.
"Charlie!"
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If you skipped to this point, I'll just say that Charlie attempted to kill herself. the next chapter picks up at the hospital.
DONT HATE ME OKAY.
I'M SORRY.