Keira's POV - 5 months before Hawaii, Riley's house
I stared at Riley with disbelieving eyes and a dropped jaw. I wondered why I was acting so surprised when in reality, I had seen this news coming from a mile away (Riley, after all, was not the furtive type. When something notable happened concerning her, everyone knew). I didn't have an answer for myself though. Maybe part of me hoped she would see the threat I'd woven into my narrowed eyes and take it to heart – that she'd put our friendship first. Maybe I hoped that if I acted shocked enough, I would somehow actually convince myself that all of this had come as a surprise. That I had no personal interests at stake here.
Riley knew better than to fall for any bluff of mine. Narrowed eyes and all I could never intimidate her, we both knew this. If I wanted her not to go through with this I would have to say the words out loud, but to say them would mean she had won. That I had admitted she had the ability to take anything I wanted straight from my palms. I didn't know if it was worth it, because there was also the possibility that I would tell her how I felt and she would just laugh and dismiss me. I didn't know how to proceed in situations such as this.
The two of us were never like this with each other – hostile and calculating. We were best friends! I had shared all my funniest laughs and most heartbreaking cries with her. What was happening right now was new territory for me and it only seemed to happen whenever our conversations wandered to the topic of Ash. That didn't use to be the case, but about two months ago, when they started talking, the hostility began. Ash had approached Riley out of nowhere, and even though she knew how I felt about him, she took the bait. I knew that Ash and I hadn't spoken in years but that didn't make my feelings invalid. She had absolutely no prior connections to him. In fact, the only things she knew about him were things she'd learned through me! All because I had never been able to keep my mouth shut regarding how I felt about him, and part of me wondered if that was what had made all of this so appealing to Riley. Was she really that manipulative? Even if I'd never revealed the real reason as to why I felt how I did, she still knew that my feelings were strong, and far from dead.
Two months ago in mid-November, when I'd first learned something was going on between them, was when I began to hold my tongue. I'd learnt the news right in the very place I sat now – on Riley's bed. We were having a sleepover, just like today, and I did some snooping while she was gone to the bathroom. It wasn't on purpose, but the two of us had been stalking various people's Facebook profiles when the message popped up out of nowhere. Riley and I didn't really hide things from each other (or so I thought), and so I wasn't really interested in seeing her messages. The only reason I opened this one was because Ash had sent it.
I hadn't known that the two of them talked and wondered what he could have possibly been contacting her for. I thought this was a random message, but when I opened the chat, I saw that there were many messages above it. They'd been speaking for quite some time by then – almost two weeks. And not only had they been speaking, they had been hanging out as well! His message confirmed all of that, and I wondered why Riley would hide something like that from me. Or more importantly, why she would even do something like that in the first place! She wasn't dumb and I knew she hadn't just 'forgotten' how I felt. No, she had known. She had been well aware and just not cared enough to hold herself back.
And I could have said something that day. I could have let her known what I'd seen and maybe stopped it before it went too far, but I hated confrontation. Even with my best friend, I couldn't handle it. I knew that Riley could out-talk me any day. She had a way with words and I feared she could turn the situation around and turn me into believing I was the one in the wrong there. I also knew that she was aware of what I'd done though, that I'd read their messages. When I ran out of the room I had left the chat open after all, but when I came back she didn't mention it. She wasn't going to mention it because then that may have meant she'd have to give him up. She was waiting for me to speak, and we both knew I didn't have the heart to.
To this very day, I regret not speaking my mind. I could have said something and changed the situation's outcome, but I didn't, and now it was too late.
By now I knew Riley had more reasoning to back herself up. As far as she knew, Ash and I had spoken once in passing and now I was in love. As far as she was concerned, this was an infant infatuation that needed to finally be put to rest. She had real evidence to back her claim of him now. Real dates, real texts, real eyes that had seen them together, and what could I do? No eyes had seen us together. It wasn't my fault that the place in which he'd changed my life just happened to be a secret. It wasn't my fault that it had been at night, under the moon and stars rather than in the cafeteria, under the blinding stares of onlookers.
I looked up at her with my dropped jaw and narrowed eyes, and didn't know what to say. She had told me the news with such confidence. 'Keira, you'll never guess what happened today! ... Wha – No, you're not actually supposed to guess! I was just going to tell you ... Okay, well Ash and I are officially dating now.' She'd said it, and I'd nearly shit myself. I had thought that when this day finally came she'd at least have the decency to let me learn the news from someone else rather than tell me herself and watch as I squirmed under her stare and struggled to keep it together. I was sure she knew how I would react. This was the first time either of us had mentioned Ash in two months. Ever since that discovery I'd made on Facebook, I'd kept his name off my tongue. I wouldn't talk to her about a boy I imagined she just thought about kissing and making out with while I spoke. I wouldn't let her embarrass me like that.
"Riley...wh – why?"
That was all I could choke out, and once I had said it I wished I'd just kept quiet. That had just made me sound all the more pathetic.
And when Riley saw the look on my face – the way I faltered after hearing how desperate my voice sounded, she furrowed her brows. "Oh – Keira, you don't still...have a crush on him, do you?"
She knew I did! She asked that question knowing damn well that I still did but there was only one way I could answer now. Only one way that wouldn't result in her ending things out of "the goodness of her heart" and making me forever indebted to her for it. I didn't recognize the girl that stood before me. This was the Riley that everyone else knew, but I never once thought she would bring her out on me. We were sisters. I'd known her longer than I'd known my brother and her family was my family too. This didn't make any sense.
"No," I said, clenching my jaw as I lowered my gaze to the ground. "No, I don't. I was just – actually, never mind."
Riley made a face, "Um, okay...?"
My head snapped up to look at her and she held her hands up innocently, looking down at me like I was a wild animal she needed to placate. I didn't like this – the way she was acting like I was the one being weird. She was the one being weird! It wasn't normal to date the boy your best friend has been enamored by for years. That wasn't normal!
"I'm sorry, Keira, I'm just trying to make sure there aren't any hard feelings here," she said, sitting down beside me on the bed. She placed a hand on my back and rubbed it gently as she spoke, "Tell me what's on your mind, Keir Bear."
Tell her what was on my mind?
What was on my mind was that she was the only person I trusted with everything on this entire fucked up world! What was on my mind was that she was the only person I could talk about cute boys or my day to day struggles with. She was the only person who could understand my problems and give me the kind of advice that I wanted to hear. What was on my mind was that she had listened to me talk about this boy for over two years, and even though I hadn't told her every single detail about our history, at this point she knew enough. She knew enough that when Ash had approached her she should have immediately redirected him my way or just ended things there and then!
What was on my mind was that it was the first week of January in Baltimore, Maryland, and it was cold. Winter was in full gear now, and it looked as though I would be spending it alone. What was on my mind was that Riley would be cozying up to Ash's body that I knew from personal experience was very warm, while I would be left by myself in the cold orphanage room I called home. And while they cuddled, she would know she was leaning up against the boy I'd wanted for years. She would know that I was cold and alone and thinking about her leaning against the warm chest of aforementioned boy. And what was on my mind was that I knew she wouldn't care.
What was on my mind was how I had started my period six years ago – when I was only eleven. What was on my mind was how when I told Riley about it, she'd locked me in the bathroom and walked to a convenience store all by herself, using the allowance she'd been saving for a new bike to buy me all the different types of pads and tampons they had, not knowing which kind I would need. And when she'd gotten back to the house and we'd cleaned up my mess and got me situated with my pads, she made me promise not to tell anybody else about it. What was on my mind was how even though she clearly cared about me, she didn't want me to have anything before she could have it. She didn't want anybody else outside of our friendship to know I had done something before her. What was on my mind was how I'd had to suffer in silence, never asking for a spare pad from a classmate when I needed it and not even telling my own mother that I'd started my period! Not until two years later when Riley turned fourteen and started her own period. That was when we told people – together. And what was on my mind was how in the dark of her 2 AM bathroom, we had stuck our thumbs into the dark red of our cloth pads and then pressed our thumbs together, swearing on our own blood that we would always be there for each other. That we would always be sisters.
And today, I thought about how despite all of that, we were now here. I wondered if maybe Riley didn't remember the blood promise. She was the one who had forced me to do it. I hadn't wanted to touch the inside of my used pad but she told me that if there was no blood on our hands, then the promise wasn't real – that it would break over time. And so I had done what she'd asked, and now here she was, behaving like none of that had ever happened.
I thought about how none of that must have mattered to her. She was in a separate league from me – a league I could never be a part of. Guys like Ash wanted girls like her, and she didn't have to keep a stupid blood promise when the both of us knew that. She was all the things I wasn't: tall, slim, funny, memorable. Riley's face wasn't one you could ever forget. Her presence wasn't one that would ever leave your life once it had touched you, and in that way, we were very different for I was utterly forgettable, but I'd been fine with it. I'd been fine with it up until now. And it didn't matter whether or not she loved me when a guy like Ash wanted to be her boyfriend, because all she needed to do was forget me, and she was good to go.
What was on my mind above all else though, was the fact that all of this was my fault. What was on my mind were all those chances I'd been given to speak my mind and be direct about what I wanted all those years ago. All the times I could have just bit down and swallowed my pride and just let Ash know how I felt. Things between us were already awkward and uneasy and so I couldn't have possibly done any more damage. What was on my mind was how when Ash used to give me all of those frustrating smiles in the hallway, I could have just taken the bait. Even though I knew it was bait I could have just bitten onto it and been direct about what I was thinking. What was on my mind was how if I had known everything I knew now two years ago, today wouldn't be such a confusing day. And that if I had spoken what was on my mind back then, Riley wouldn't be asking me to speak my mind now.
"There's nothing on my mind."
We both knew I was lying, but Riley didn't dwell on it. I didn't think she had actually ever wanted me to tell her what was on my mind. Not about Ash. "Oh, okay," she said. "Well are you happy for us then?"
Keep my thoughts to myself, I could do – I mean, I'd been doing it for almost two months, it had become easy. Lying out loud about the way I actually felt though, that was a bit harder. That, I could not do. And so I sighed, deciding not to answer her question and instead just say, "Riley, I'm tired." And I really was tired, just in more ways than one.
Shrugging her arm off of me, I got up and walked over to the other side of the bed, moving the covers to the side as I laid down the pillow. "I'm going to take a nap," I muttered, climbing into her bed and pulling the covers all the way up to my nose. I had to take shallow breaths because if I breathed too deeply then the sheets would flap against my nostrils and make noise. I didn't want them to make any noise. I didn't want anyone to realize how shallow my lungs had grown and how hard it was becoming to get enough air into them. This was hurting me, but I still wanted to convince Riley I was fine and I didn't even know why! Of course she knew this was hurting me. She knew how I felt even if neither of us admitted it, and so me pretending to be fine was only telling her that she could continue what she was doing. She knew that I was aware she knew how I felt. She knew but she still watched me squirm under her keen gaze, and I wondered what had happened to the fourteen-year-old blood sisters we'd been not too long ago. Were they gone for good?
I drifted off to sleep, still not having spoken my mind, and with that sleep I sealed my fate.
Or so I thought.