We've been sitting on the couch, in silence, for the past few minutes.
When I stopped crying, I moved away from Avery and she got up to refill both our mugs with warmed tea.
I'm sitting with legs crossed and resting my back on the left armrest, with both hands grabbing the mug and staring at the tea but not really seeing it.
I feel Avery gazing me. She's sitting facing me, with her arm stretched over the back of the couch. Her hand is close to me and she sometimes moves it slightly as if wanting to touch me, but afraid to do so.
My phone starts buzzing and I get up to find it. I hear Avery groaning in frustration.
-"Hi Sarah." I answer the call. "I'm good. Yes, we did. I'll call you later, okay? I'm fine. Thanks for calling. Bye."
I return to the couch, and glance briefly at Avery finding her in the same position, biting her lips.
-"Do you want me to leave, Emma?" She says barely above a whisper with a trembling voice.
I meet her eyes and the painful look she has makes my chest heavier than it was. I can see that she's trying hard to speak without falling apart but her glossy eyes betray her.
I shake my head, not able to muster a word, but that is enough to make her release the breath she was holding.
-"What do you want me to do?" She asks and I shrug. "What can I say to make you feel better?"
I shrug again, almost unnoticeably. I'm out of energy to speak, to argue, to answer simple 'yes or no' questions.
I know she's tired too. It's late. She looks like she's been having as much sleep as I have, if not less.
-"Are you hungry? There's probably something in the fridge." I tell her and she shakes her head. "Tired?"
-"I'm fine. I don't want to leave, Ems." She looks at me with pleading eyes.
-"Okay." I nod. "Well, I'm going to lay down. I'm exhausted, my head is throbbing, I need to close my eyes."
She nods.
I go to the bathroom first, to clean up my face and brush my teeth. Then, I move to my bedroom and after dressing my pajama, I lay under the sheets. Soon after, I feel the tears forming in my eyes again, and it almost makes me groan in frustration.
After a while, I hear movements so I look over to see if she's leaving. I'm relieved to find her going to the kitchen with both our mugs and then going to the bathroom.
I hear the water running for a while and then stop. Then I see her going back to the couch and laying there.
I'm glad she didn't leave but my heart still hurts knowing that my girlfriend is a few meters away from me, sleeping on the couch. Yet, I can't find the strength or the will to call her.
I'm hurt. She's hurt. I need space and at the same time I don't. I want her here with me, hugging my pain away, but I also don't want to feel her touch when the thoughts of her with Sophia still run through my mind.
What if she's not certain of how she'll feel when she meets her, and that's why she didn't tell me about it? What if she's not certain that she loves me, and only me?
I fall in and out of a light sleep with these thoughts in my head. All through the night, I often propped myself on my elbows to glance over to the couch, making sure Avery was still there.
I couldn't see if she was sleeping, but I hoped she was.
When the sun was rising, I found it harder to get back to sleep but I didn't get up. It took me more than an hour to leave the bed.
Once I did, I went first to the bathroom, tiptoeing. I spent a couple minutes there, avoiding going to the kitchen too soon and waking Avery up.
As I'm passing the couch, I glance over and see that Avery is awake already. Anxiety swirls through me.
-"Good morning." I say in a hoarse voice.
-"Good morning." She says, staring at me with lifeless eyes. "What time is it?"
-"Almost 10." I move to the kitchen and start making coffee. All the while, my heart is pounding.
Once the coffee is ready, I fill two mugs and bring them to the coffee table, along with some cookies.
Avery already lifted herself up, leaving room for me to sit next to her.
She's leaning against the armrest, hugging both legs, with her chin resting on her knees.
-"Did you sleep anything?" I ask, concerned about her.
-"More than I had these past few nights, that's for sure." Her voice is still hoarse. "You?"
-"I slept and woke up in a weird pattern. Can't really say if I spent most of the night asleep or awake." I say and she nods, also taking a sip from her coffee.
-"When will you meet her?" I ask her.
-"Around 2 pm."
-"What about classes? You're here now, and later you'll be...wherever..."
-"I'm not going." She says, matter-of-factly.
I want to argue with her, but we've had enough of that. I don't really want her to go to classes anyway. Maybe around 2 pm, but not now.
Silence fills the room. She stares at me and tears start filling her eyes.
Pain grips my chest at the sight.
-"Ave, come here." I move close to her, put both our mugs in the coffee table, and pull her into a hug. She lets her body fall into mine and starts crying heavily.
With each hitching breath she takes, I feel a strong and painful pinch in my stomach.
-"Sorry. I'm exhausted and scared. I can't stop crying. It's annoying." She says between sobs, griping the hem of my hoodie.
-"I know, love. I'm sorry too." Guilt washes over me once again, remembering when she told me that this was also hard for her. "We can take care of the exhaustion part first and the fear and pain later, okay? You need to rest. I hate to see you like this."
-"I can't. Not until we're good. Or at least okay. Not until I'm sure you won't leave me." Once again, her voice cracks and I feel tears falling from my eyes too.
-"I love you, Avery. How could I leave you?" I cup her face and make her look at me through her watery eyes. "Remember months ago, when I told you I would fight for us? That was a lifetime promise. I know it doesn't look like it right now, but it's true."
I take my necklace out, the one she gave me, and hold it in my hands for her to see. I've put it on since Saturday.
-"I'm not angry at you Avery. I'm hurt, yes. A lot."
-"I'm sorry." She interrupts me and lowers her head.
-"Ave, I'm hurt but that doesn't mean I love you any less. I needed space to think, and it probably took me too long, but I needed it. And it wasn't to get away from you, it was merely to process all that new information. I talked about this with Sarah, Richard, Alessa, and even my parents, and not once I told them that I wanted to leave you. Not once I told them that I thought you wanted to leave me. But I'm still scared that you will. And I can't find the confidence to be okay with this, and that hurts me. It hurts because I feel like you're uncertain about your feelings for her..."
-"Emma..." She interrupts again but I stop her by raising one hand.
-"...even though you're certain about your feelings for me. So, I'm scared. I'm afraid that you'll realize you still love her. I'm afraid that she'll tell you she loves you and that will change things. I'm afraid that when I come back..." My voice breaks and I can't finish the sentence.
-"Emma, I promise you I will be here. I promise you, like I did before, that I won't do anything that will hurt you...more than I already did."
-"Don't make promises that you may not keep, Ave."
-"I'm not. I will fulfill that promise. Please, trust that. Trust me." She grabs my hands, with the necklace between them. "If I seem uncertain is because a lot of feelings resurface when she's around and my head is a mess right now. But not all of them are good. And not a single one can even compare to what I feel for you."
-"Then why are you scared? Why did you look so guilty?" I ask, not giving her time to answer each question separately.
-"I'm not scared that I'll realize I still love her. I know I love her but it's not like I did before. It's not romantically. I don't want her. I want you! I'm scared that this will affect us, even if we say we won't let it. I'm scared you'll doubt me from now on. I'm scared I've broken your trust and I'm scared I won't win it back. That's what scares me." She yells and sighs in exasperation.
-"Don't yell at me, Avery. You can't blame for feeling this way." I say, speaking in a low voice now, and calming myself. She takes a deep breath, too.
-"I didn't mean to look or sound guilty. I felt trapped. Like I couldn't win in this situation and I panicked because you would always end up hurt and upset. I was so afraid you wouldn't trust me, I started acting as if I was guilty. I think I started to overthink. I see that now. I'm sorry."
-"Okay." I pause. "I forgive you...for overthinking."
She closes her eyes.
-"Emma, pleeease." She begs, this time whining almost like a child that hasn't slept for hours. "Trust me. Forgive me and trust me. I haven't slept since Saturday and I'm starting to lose my mind. I'm meeting her today, and I need to know we're okay."
-"We're okay, Ave." I give her a weak smile. "We're not great, but we're okay."
-"Okay..." She looks at me hesitantly.
-"Do you trust that I won't leave you because of this?" I ask and she nods. "Good. I trust you too. Please, don't break my trust."
-"I won't."
-"Come here." I shift on the couch and pat a pillow I just put above my legs.
She lays down, resting her head on it and I start stroking her hair. I hear her taking a deep breath and feel her body starting to relax.
-"I love you, Emma."
-"I know, Avery. I love you too."
I kiss her forehead and watch her drifting into a restless sleep, but a sleep nonetheless.
I smile, although I can still feel the pain in my chest.